Neighbour’s child constantly asking for our DD play out in street.

[Blossom19]

Hi, first time posting so I’ll try and keep to the point.

We moved house at Christmas to our daughter’s school catchment area, which is great for that but that’s about it. We moved to get out financial
hardship, which we were so grateful to be able to do and in a much better place. We actually bought house from an ex landlord who had been trying to sell house for a few years, so when we approached out the blue was excited and really pleased to sell to us (we had been his first tenants when we first married 8 years ago).

So yeah, great home for a young couple/professionals that sort of thing… not so much where you’d raise a family ideally… oh yeah found out in the middle of completion we were expecting baby number 3. So thankful and feel very blessed but totally caught off guard with that one.

Sorry, probably way too much context for point of post🤣 you can tell I’m a bit lonely and preoccupied with pregnancy and my children. Anyway!

So we live in the centre of small town, in a three bedroom terrace. The back of our home has a back lane, some cars can get up it’s very narrow. Then it backs onto a busy car park. Then straight into town. The thought of the back door accidentally being unlocked scares the shit out of me (toddler can open doors) and I just over think the worst where my kids are concerned.

So the neighbours are ok, they’re fine. Children do
live on the street which is nice to know. And some elderly who are very nice and think they’re really chuffed we have our little brood here. But there’s also a lot of houses we haven’t got a clue who lives there. Half the houses probably rent and half probably own, which makes no difference at all. Anyway just trying to paint a picture.

Young couple that live a few doors down with a toddler chatting to my husband one day tell
us about family next door to them (2 doors from us). They have a little girl a year older than our DD, and we met them when we moved in briefly. Little girl asked if our DD could play out and we quickly made an excuse about tea time etc. I know you shouldn’t judge people externally but the couple came across really dodgey to me, not people I felt comfortable around but we were pleasant and have always made an effort to say hello etc whenever we see them or anyone for that matter.

So anyway the other couple told my husband that one night when they were putting their toddler to bed they could hear screaming coming from next door and it was the little girl. So the young woman went over and knocked on the door and little girl came to back door saying her mummy wouldn’t wake up. She was apparently off her face on drugs passed out on the sofa. So young couple had to call police and get the little girl to safety. And so she was put into care temporarily.

This sent chills through me, I know it goes on but it just felt so close to home and I feel so sorry for the little girl, she’s lovely. But i knew there was something not quite right.

Lady who lives next door to us was out the front of house one evening. My husband was outside in front garden clearing stuff. Was chatting to neighbour. Little girl’s mum walks past, absolutely rat arsed drunk. He just says hello, and she stumbles away home. Lady next door tells hubby she’s at the corner shop every morning buying her two huge bottles of cheap cider (you know the one) and the little girl has been taken into care twice. Obviously including the time the other couple had told hubby about.

So I mean little girl’s mum is obviously troubled, and has issues. I get that addiction is illness and I don’t want to be too critical here. I just feel like I want to keep my children away from that exposure. I obviously feel a sense of duty to look out for the poor little girl, as things have obviously been bad enough for her being taken away.

The little girl jumps on us any time she sees us, usually on the way to dance or something. When it’s been the weekend she’s just left to wander around outside the back lane and play on her own. I mean she had dolls out in the street bless her, it’s not right. It’s not safe at all. We always manage to make an excuse, and I’m always really nice and ask if she’s ok and if she might be doing the same thing too soon. Like this evening we just got to the back door and it was quarter to 6 (my kids are normally in the bath half 5). And she said can my DD stay out and play and I said, “Aww I’m sorry it’s bath time for us now, are you having your bath soon too?” And bless her she was like “No I’m not having a bath, will you come and seek me tomorrow?” So I just said “aww thanks for asking, we’ll see you soon”.

I mean what do you do here? I have a toddler I don’t want to hang out in the streets watching them, I’d be keeping my toddler away from the car park or running off down the river. There’s nothing for them to do in this bloody street either. Her parents are nowhere to be seen, our DD is 5 and she is 6. We would NEVER leave her in a back bloody street.

I actually feel like I don’t know why I’ve rambled on here. I’m heavily pregnant, hormonal, frustrated that this is going to be our home for
up to 4 years. I feel for the poor wee girl but I don’t want my daughter to ever go near her house. The woman (not the one my hubby spoke to) but our other neighbour, is also a raging alcoholic. I mean she’s harmless I reckon but she’s off her tits every night.

I just want to keep my kids safe and away from
any sort of threat at their very young ages. They don’t need to be exposed to this shit going on, and I know it goes on everywhere.

Do I just keep up with the excuses and avoid? What would you do? I’d love to keep an eye on the little girl but I don’t want to risk forming any sort of close association with her parents. The less I know about them the better for my own mental health.

If you’ve made it this far, well done and thank you 💛

In your shoes, I would let this girl into my house now and then (only downstairs in the kitchen/ living area) and offer her food. I understand that you may not be comfortable doing that, but that is what I would do. Then I would try to work out whether I should be reporting to social services.

If you're not prepared to do this, then report straight to social services and tell them that you think she may be at risk.

What I wouldn't do in your situation is stand by and do nothing. Either help her by having her round and keeping an eye on her or report.

You need to decide what you're willing to give the child, and be consistent.

At the moment the child is not having her needs met, so there's a lot you could potentially do, but you're not really keen on getting more involved. Perhaps you could decide what level of involvement you're happy with:
Saying hello/ being a trusted neighbour /being a helpful, friendly neighbour / encouraging a friendship with your daughter. Whatever you choose, you do need to be clear and consistent.

From what you've said the houses are difficult to sell, and you expect to be there for a few years.

The mother probably had a difficult childhood too.

Given that you don't want to have her round (personally I would, however I do understand your reluctance) could you invite her along with you to the park every so often or something like that?

Oh OP. How sad. But sadly, this is going on all over the country - my eyes were opened when I started working in a school. A surprising number of families are as you describe.

No, I don’t think you should be inviting a small child into your house without the permission of her parents. And I don’t think you should have any contact with them whatsoever, for your own protection. So, no, you can’t look after or help the child.

Report the child to the police every time she is left outside alone. You are pregnant OP, with two young children - your hands are full. Sad as it is, you can’t help this little girl, but the quicker she’s out of her situation and into care, the better. So, report to the police every time she’s alone, and report the parents when they’re drunk/high and in charge of her.

Could you invite the little girl into your house for a play date? She sounds like she's really lonely, bless her. But if you bring her in, you can keep an eye on both children.

I agree with the others though - if you see her unsupervised outside, you should contact police and/or SS.

A play date is different though - you would usually talk to the family, and understand the needs of the child, and the expectations and values of the family. If you don’t like the sound of the family, you absolutely wouldn’t go ahead with the play date - and yes, being drug addicts is perfectly reasonable logic for not wanting any contact with this family.

Without talking to the family, OP could inadvertently give this girl something she’s allergic to, or could be accused of kidnapping/causing harm etc. The family are desperate drug addicts, they are unhinged, they could really make OP’s life hell if they were given half a chance to. Give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. They could make up lies, accusations, allegations, blackmailing etc etc

Stay well away from them and the child.

I absolutely haven’t pretended anything, this puts me off hugely, yes I don’t want to associate myself with people who take drugs. I don’t want to be involved with the family. I feel sorry for the child yes, but other than the stories we’ve heard I have nothing else to base any potential neglect going on here. Some parents are happy to let their kids play outside with little supervision, I’m not one of those parents.
I didn’t post because I thought the child was at risk, I posted because I’m sick of coming up with reasons my daughter isn’t allowed to play out alone in a street and annoys that people do this.
If I witness anything that puts the little girl in danger or hear of anything I will be reporting in a heart beat. It’s half term this week so I’ll keep an extra close eye and ask the wee girl if I do see her if mum or dad knows she’s outside and see what she says, like I said their back door is the kitchen and that could be then sat scrolling or whatever and looking out the window occasionally to see she’s there is enough supervision for some.
I admire those who are saying to make her food and let her in the house etc. But I have a lot going on myself (a lot) before I start taking on more external stresses. I’m a very vigilant person and will always look out for the vulnerable, not ignore. I will choose to go about things subtly.
I also believe the family that lived in the house, their daughter was the same age and attended the same school. Potentially this family didn’t have issues letting kids play out in street either.
So I think I’ll leave it there, I will never stand by and allow child neglect to go on under my nose but I literally can’t report anything here so will do what I’ve always done and look out for the girl when I see her. I’m probably being a snob but if not wanting to knock about with with alcoholics and drug users makes me a snob, I can live with that and will choose to keep my kids away from people like that, illness or not.

Thank you.
You have literally mentioned every insecurity and worry of mine I have regarding this family.
Like just how am I supposed to know? I can’t possibly know what the hell they’re like but it’s been enough for other people to mention it to us as new ones on the street.
I will of course keep an eye out for child, I always have done, it upsets me that she has parents like
this but I can’t change that.
My auntie told me not to get involved with the family but be dutiful to the child and any reason for concern get in touch with social services right away.

Thank you.
This is exactly how I feel. And like you I started doing my teacher training last year and the things I have become exposed to have really questioned if I want to be in the profession, it’s so sad this goes on everywhere never mind on my doorstep.
So will do just as you’ve said, I’ve never felt comfortable with the idea of taking her into my home. Not because of her but because of the family, you don’t know what you’re inviting in.
Thanks again.

Hmm you say there’s nothing to report but if there’s a child out in the street alone then IMO that is something to report. It may seem insignificant to you but may be part of a bigger picture for social services and surely the more people that speak up and raise concerns the better?

you wouldn’t feel comfortable well don’t pretend you give a toss about the little girl because you don’t. You just don’t want at least say it how it is.

*want to

We have kids in our neighbourhood who are constantly knocking on the door for ds to come out and play. He's older than your dd so I'm letting him go out a bit more, but we do seem to have earlier bath and bedtimes than them. I also have stricter limits on how far he's allowed to go without a grown up so the whole thing makes me fe uncomfortable. I often find myself saying no then feeling guilty about it.

That in itself, without all the extras you're facing, is stressful op, I know what you mean. Your dd is still young, I think it's fine to just clearly say "sorry, dd doesn't play out, she's too young" and just repeat every time.

Your house and family are yours, it's fine to draw boundaries round them. And it's understandable to find it stressful/annoying/wearing when people of any age or circumstance are constantly pushing your boundaries.

I’ve always felt really strongly about being viewed as a nice person by the girl, my husband too. So I have always spoken to her, used her name and asked how she is. If it has just been me and my toddler, I’ve encouraged him to wave and “say hello to ” or taking the dog out let him pad over and get a pat from her. I’ve always made the effort with her parents too, so they don’t pick up on any prejudice I have against them, just act like I absolutely non the wiser that people have obviously informed me of the things that have occurred over the years. So that if anything arose they’d not suspect us if we had to report.

I do need to find out for sure if she is actually alone and her parents aren’t just stood half arsed in the doorway of the kitchen or something. So
next time I see her seemingly playing alone or asking my DD to play out I’ll find an excuse for us and ask if mum and dad know she’s out playing. Half my worry is that if they are “keeping an eye” my daughter some how ends up in their house and that’s the last thing I want! But would hate the upset the child by chasing after my DD not to wander in with her!

We’re stuck here because I’m still a student, we found out I was pregnant with number 3 as we had completed and we just can’t afford to sell or even be eligible for a mortgage with me as a student. The area it’s self is popular for younger couples/elderly/families with one child. You get people like this everywhere. It just doesn’t help that it makes us feel completely detached from
a more family friendly/practical living arrangements for a big busy family like ours. But that’s another issue completely, we’re very grateful to own our house and we’re very loving family who’s been through a lot in a very short space of time.

I do care, that’s why I feel like it’s a difficult position to be in. It’s not a nice feeling at all. You do what you can to help others but not at the risk of your own children. That’s what makes me VERY different to this child’s mother, I do care. So kindly, climb out my throat.

Reading this really breaks my heart.
I would invite her in, make sure she gets a proper meal, trying to give her the feeling that at least someone is caring for her. I couldn’t leave her alone on the street like that, not a chance. If you won’t do that at least ring SS/ the police when you see her outside on her own. That poor little thing.

'I’ve spoken to my auntie who is a social worker and she gave me some advice what to do'

Great. What more do you want?

I replied to a few other comments stating that I need to be sure she’s “alone” in terms of what other parents feel comfortable with. Her back door is the kitchen and her parents could be sat and looking up occasionally to see she’s there. So I have said next time I believe she might be alone or asks my DD to play I will ask if mum
and dad know where she is and ask if mum and dad can see her etc.

Sarcastic much? I spoke to her about what I’d been informed by other neighbours and said it upset me… so because it’s upset me I can get anything else done here? No. If I didn’t have my
auntie in the social work I would have just called social services and asked for advice but I know a social worker personally… sarcy little point necessary? Again, no.
We were discussing how children get missed and if could anything else because I felt awful for girl. She said it’s definitely not up to me to be looking after her or getting involved with a family like
this but I needed to look out for the girl and watch out for the parents. Not expose myself and family by having play dates and cooking her tea
or letting her wander into my home alone.
I’m also not stupid and know what to do in a crisis.

How rude. I was not being sarcastic. At all.