Really struggling with 2.5year old toddler

[goforit99]

i have a beautiful,sweet and kind almost 2.5 year old who I am really struggling with in terms of her not listening to me. I hate planning trips where we have to leave the house because I know how things are going to end, with her screaming and not listening to a word I say. I took her to the park yesterday and I asked her and told her no over 20 times as she wanted to run into a pond and was trying to run into the gents toilets. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried all the “good parenting advice” that seems to be available everywhere , I’ve gone down to her level and tried speaking calmly, I’ve sat with her mid tantrums and hugged and spoke softly I really have tried but she is not listening! She wants to always put dirty stuff in her mouth, she find cigarette butts on the floor and wants that in her mouth, she wants to run into a public toilet and touch stuff, it’s effing disgusting, I don’t see other children her age doing that, everyone seems to have control of their children and they kids listen. I had to just pick her up and strap her into her buggy and go home. I hate planning anything that involves her leaving her buggy. More times than not , I’m in the bathroom crying and screaming into a pillow “shut the fuck up with your fucking whining non stop”. I am a solo parent and don’t have a village/hardly any family around. I have friends but everyone is busy and there is no one else to help. Her dad takes her ever other weekend and she does go to a childminder twice a week, it’s just tiring, im fucking exhausted, I can’t do anything right, I hate that I get angry, I hate that I cry, I hate not having support.

Presumably the play area itself is enclosed and she is safe to run around. Before you leave the area you tell her she has to walk nicely/hold your hand/hold the buggy - whichever you prefer. If she runs off you put her on reins.

If you are walking somewhere less safe - along a road for example, you out the reins on straight away.

@Seeline thanks for your message but I’m not talking about play areas, just the park which is all grass and open, where there are toilets and ponds. She’s always strapped in when anywhere not safe for her to walk.

she won’t listen when I tell her to hold my hands etc, that’s why I wrote the post, She won’t listen.

Tell her your expectations before you set off and say you'll come home if she's naughty? Then you must follow through. They are constantly testing boundaries and need to know where they are. Never threaten anything you're not prepared to follow through. Worked with mine at any rate although sometimes it was a PITA. They definitely learnt from it though. Oh and rewards if they're good, eg an ice cream or something

@CrotchetyQuaver would it be harsh if I actually follow through with coming home if she is naughty Or taking toys away if she doesn’t listen? Do toddlers actually understand this? I can set boundaries but I don’t know if they are yet able to grasp this.

I don't think many two year olds consistently 'obey'. I just say what I want once and then physically 'help' them to do it if they dont or distract. I found once I dropped the expectation of them doing what they were told at that age I was able to enjoy them much more and because we were enjoying each other they were much more inclined to do what I asked.

@3WildOnes we normally have a great time, it’s when she doesn’t listen and goes back to wanting to jump in the pond, put the dirty things on the floor I’m her mouth, wanting to go into a public toilet and touch the urinals. I’m not sure how much more I can help her to stop doing it, I tell her no, I try and explain why, I take her hand and distract, but she just runs back and continues doing it.

Why is it harsh when you've already told her before you go what will happen if she plays up? She'll soon get the idea, if you are calm and consistent and follow through. They understand a lot more than we realise!

Never threaten anything you're not prepared to follow through on. They must always know you say what you mean. But don't beat yourself up. Two and a half can be a horrible age. Most likely she'll calm down and become more civilised naturally. I think parenting advise probably starts becoming useful from now. Under two they can just be wild in my limited knowledge. My kids are quite calm and well behaved but I've seen the wild ones and believe it's usually personality rather than anything the parent is doing wrong. Everything is phase is what i tell myself when we're in a bad bit.

I can remember my oldest just wanting to touch everything and put everything in his mouth. I remember one time just letting him roll around in the dirt at the side of the road like it was a swimming pool. I just really thought carefully about where we went. I lowered my hygiene standards. And I accepted melt downs when I had to drag him away and restrain him in the pram. But it passed and now he doesn't eat mud.

She does listen just fine though.

She just doesn't want to do what you want her to do.

Let's play devil's advocate here, what's the worst thing that will happen if she gets into the urinals? She gets wee on her hands. Yuck, nasty wee. Wash her hands then. Same with the rubbish on the ground. What if she picks is up? Yuck, that's rubbish. Let's put it in the bin. Let's wash our hands. As for the pond, let's pop you in your buggy and go and feed the ducks.

I think it might help you both if you let her explore within safe reasonable boundaries rather than just expecting her to obey 'no' all of the time.

@CrotchetyQuaver thanks for this, I hope being firm works.

@Franca123 i do follow through with the “threats” it’s daunting though, when you got everything ready for a nice time in the park/going to a friends etc and have to turn around because of their tantrums. I understand it’s their age and I’m hoping by setting firm boundaries she’ll understand that mum means it.

@Ahlola its not no all the time, I let her run, and do mostly all the things she wants provided it’s safe. She can play in mud etc but I draw the line when it comes to having wee on her hands and putting cigarette butts in her mouth, it’s very unhygienic and can make her ill, she needs to learn that!

It's really hard.

My son is autistic and 3.5, he eats sand, picks up dog poo, I can't look away for a second.

All I can do is distraction and focus on taking him places where he can do sensory play. For example I always take him to sand pits, we do loads of water play at home, I would never take him near a pond as he would desperately want to go in. At the moment he doesn't have the comprehension to take on why he can't do things so I try to just not put him in that position.

Do you do sensory type/messy play at home?

Same approach though - tell her to hold your hand, if she starts to run off, out the reins on.

In emergency situations like crossing a road, hold their 'hand' by holding round the wrist - they can't let go then.

But tbh it does sound fairly normal for a 2.5 yo.

Mine is the same age but I'm not sure at this age they listen to reason. DC is similar. The only way I get him to stop doing stuff, is distract distract distract. I'll usually take a back up toy/snack in the bag to distract with when he wants to do something I don't want him to. Or it's always like 'wow look over there! Let's play with the leaves!' Or whatever lol. Doesn't always work but just going with it now until he gets older and understands consequences more.

My 2 year old is very similar.
Problem is she doesn't understand why when I say no, so I just get tears.

Thing is, if it's unsafe I'll physically remove whatever is unsafe, or remove her, or put her on reins or something.
Otherwise I try and choose my battles.

Also I'm a bit sceptical about you saying all other 2 year olds you see her age don't behave that way.
They call it terrible twos for a reason. Nothing you've said surprises me. Seems about right for a 2 year old.

Yea I do very similar. Distraction works very well with mine. She's obsessed with spiders so I just say 'look a spider! Let's go have a look' and that usually steers away from the impending danger.

I really liked the book 'how to talk so little kids will listen'. found it really useful with lots of strategies to try. have you got an alternative park? I generally try and go somewhere fenced so it's a bit easier, set them up for success kind of thing.

Have you actually considered that gentle parenting may not actually be what she needs.

Sometimes a raised voice and a fear of consequences does the trick

She obviously thinks your a push over and she's just going to get gentle no's and a cuddle at the end of it

You only have to be firm a few times, then they learn mummy means business. So yes, - using all your techniques calmly say if you do that, we will have to go straight home.

another thing that works with my son is making him giggle - it distracts him from being stubborn. It depends how close to a tantrum he is, but it often works. So he might try to run into a pond and I would say - “you’re not going to run into the pond and get all cold and wet and muddy like a duck are you? Then you’re going to have to be a duck all morning. Can I be a duck too? I’m going to peck you with my beak!” Then make a duck beak with my hands and chase him off somewhere away from the pond. Being silly works a lot of the time.

The stubborn tantrumming phase doesn’t last too long. Explaining consequences works better when they are a bit older and they understand that being cold and wet and muddy with no clothes to change into will feel horrible and they will have to go home quickly. At 2.5 they cannot really comprehend the causal chain very clearly.

@Seeline ill definitely try the holding hand approach to things. She’s always strapped in when we cross the road/leave the park etc

@Disneyblueeyes Putting the reigns of and picking my battles seems to be common within the comments so I will work on picking my battles, within reason of course. Im relieved to hear that what I’ve mentioned seems common for her age. Thank you

the distraction method does work sometimes, mainly at home, it’s just daunting when we are outside as it sees like she’ll do what I say u til I relax a bit then she goes back to doing what she wants. I took her almost 100 steps away from the pond and toilet and she still ran back there after I let her out of her buggy again lol

@maythe4thbewithme im far from gentle parenting. I just mentioned that I tried most of the advise, including gentle parenting! I have raised my voice, I have said firm no’s and strapped her in her buggy after telling her not to do something yet, it doesn’t seem to work.