Really struggling with 2.5year old toddler

[goforit99]

i have a beautiful,sweet and kind almost 2.5 year old who I am really struggling with in terms of her not listening to me. I hate planning trips where we have to leave the house because I know how things are going to end, with her screaming and not listening to a word I say. I took her to the park yesterday and I asked her and told her no over 20 times as she wanted to run into a pond and was trying to run into the gents toilets. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried all the “good parenting advice” that seems to be available everywhere , I’ve gone down to her level and tried speaking calmly, I’ve sat with her mid tantrums and hugged and spoke softly I really have tried but she is not listening! She wants to always put dirty stuff in her mouth, she find cigarette butts on the floor and wants that in her mouth, she wants to run into a public toilet and touch stuff, it’s effing disgusting, I don’t see other children her age doing that, everyone seems to have control of their children and they kids listen. I had to just pick her up and strap her into her buggy and go home. I hate planning anything that involves her leaving her buggy. More times than not , I’m in the bathroom crying and screaming into a pillow “shut the fuck up with your fucking whining non stop”. I am a solo parent and don’t have a village/hardly any family around. I have friends but everyone is busy and there is no one else to help. Her dad takes her ever other weekend and she does go to a childminder twice a week, it’s just tiring, im fucking exhausted, I can’t do anything right, I hate that I get angry, I hate that I cry, I hate not having support.

She's 2! Of course she's doing this, it's hardly unexpected! It's not naughty, it's learning. Being told something one isn't going to be enough at that age, it's repetition, repetition, repetition! My DD is the same age, some days she's ace and does everything she's told, other days she'll test boundaries and ' not listen' but she's still learning, and that's okay!

@WhatsInAMolatovMocktail That sounds like a fun way to distract them. I will certainly that. She’s trying to go into the pool with her clothes on now so perhaps I can try being a shark 😂

If you read up on child development you might have better expectations of her behaviour and understanding. She sounds completely normal, as do you. All she is focussed on is doing exactly what she wants to do and that includes waiting to be a hundred steps away then running straight back to do it. At that age she will have very little concept of 'later' , it's about 'now' so pointless punishing her when you get home by removing toys/tv etc. Don't compare yourself to others it will only make you feel insecure.
Distraction is key and also allowing her her 'big feelings' of pure frustration that she is not allowed to do exactly what she wants whenever she wants, also known as tantrums. Toddlers are tyrants and brutes in equal measure, also darlings especially when asleep.
My daughter finds Janet Lansbury helpful as my granddaughter is a non stop whirl of 'naughtiness'.

@PerseverancePays thank you for your advise. Whilst I certainly have read about development, it’s a whole heap of surprises actually experiencing it and not being sure if what you’ve read is what you are going through. I will make peace with the fact that this is how they are at this age and deal with it overboard with less expectation to what I want.

@Mommabear20 i have nothing to compare her behaviour against so I wasn’t sure if this behaviour is normal, and when it is, how the hell do you deal with it, it’s beyond me. It’s not easy and even if it is normal, it’s hard to find ways to make it work so you’re both not frustrated.

You need more nursery. This is how 2.5 year olds are and it's brain destroying. My mum can hypnotize ours into being interested and engaged in the loveliest way, but it took 30 years of reception teaching for her to learn and it's beyond us mortals.

If you can afford more half days you'll get the nice tired gentle toddler. Otherwise it is all about exhausting the brain. Libraries, shops, games... anything learning based will have the same effect.

@JennyForeigner your first paragraph made me chuckle! There is no hope for us mere mortals :-).

I am waiting to hear if her childminder can accommodate a few mornings during the week. Hopefully that helps a bit.

Hey @goforit99
just coming to say hi, that you are totally normal, and let us be your village!

I could’ve written a lot of your post myself today - in fact, I came on MN tonight to post something similar.

I’m knackered after a long hard day trying to reason with/distract/acknowledge a 2 year old. I’m totally beat and it takes it out of you.

So I’ll summarise into three quick thoughts

1. you got this
2. agree with a PP that both Janet Lansbury and ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ have great advice on this. When I follow it, it works really well and I feel so pleased with myself. It’s literally a eureka moment the first time you get them to do something using those techniques. But there are days when it’s just too hard to summon the energy and creativity to think a little differently. Cut yourself some slack on those days, you are human. Scream into the pillow, have the chocolate cake, do whatever it takes to get you through the day
3. it sucks not having a village. Not only do you not have anyone to share the load, you also don’t know what is normal and what isn’t. When my toddler did some of the stuff you mentioned above, I was torturing myself that I was a bad mum or that it was all my fault or that there was something wrong with him. I confided in some friends, who were so reassuring and then confided some of their own children’s meltdowns.

Anyway, you got this.

Start with smaller consequences. Like if she puts something dirty in her mouth then you go to a different area / she must come and sit with you etc. does she enjoy going to these places? I went through a rough patch with DD feeling she didn't listen etc but then I realised I was taking her places I enjoyed, and then being surprised she wasn't having as much fun as I expected. Now we spend a lot more time in the park playing in sandpits etc, it's enclosed, there's nothing dirty on the floor, and lots to distract her with in different areas.

I also think your answer is to go out more, not less if you are struggling. You will both get used to the rules and boundaries much quicker if there is more frequent exposure.

As a previous poster said - distraction is absolutely key and you don't really ever get to stop at this age - DD doesn't remember what she can and can't do and I regularly have to redirect her to something before she gets to the 'eating dirt off the floor' otherwise it becomes too enticing. It's hard, but anticipating what she is about to do and heading it off work much better than trying to say no and distracting once her sights are already set on something.

I think this is terrible advice - I highly doubt she thinks you're a 'pushover'. I think she's two and it's very hard to remember and understand why mummy said no when there is something so enticing to her to do right now. It's about impulse control not naughtiness

@Bookishnerd thank you so much for your words of support and solidarity.

@zaffa thank you, I did try the distraction method in the park today and took a different route to allow her more freedom , it worked, we did have a few no’s and screaming but it didn’t “ruin” our walk. I’m looking into local libraries and child friendly coffee shops near us so she can be a part of the experience rather than feel like she just has to be there.

@maythe4thbewithme @zaffa it wasn’t relevant advise but I think the person who responded just didn’t read my post! Can you imagine if 2 year olds could comprehend what a pushover was? 😂

I feel you OP. Its so hard when they don't listen! I have 2.6yo and some days are really tough. If it were me I would try to avoid saying no as much as possible as I've found DD stops listening after the second one. Instead I would say things like "that's dirty, it doesn't go in your mouth. What goes in your mouth?" And then start listing food she likes etc. Could you try listening to the super simple song "walking in the jungle" and make it into a game so that when you say stop she understands to stop ie sing the song and walk around and then shout stop and then you both stop? Does that make sense? I would practice this in the house first.
Another thing is can you go somewhere else outside? It sounds like the park is causing you a lot of stress. I'm all for less battles less stress!
One thing that's really helped me is mum and toddler play groups. You can have a cup tea and a chat while the kids go mad for all the toys and your surrounded by people who completely understand.
It's hard but even the last 2 months for us have got a lot better. repeat - everything is a phase! And then have a glass of wine after they go to bed!x

@Mamabear04 we love the simple songs on YouTube, I’ll try the jingle song route, sounds like fun. I have joined the peanut app to meet some mums with children the same age, hopefully that will get my mind off worrying too much about my little one acting like a toddler lol