Having an only child by choice?

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Those of you who have only one child by choice (not because you weren't able have more) what were your reasons for this? My partner and I have spoken about having child(ren) in the future and we are leaning towards having just one child due to cost of raising a child, childcare, devoting all our time and attention to one child. I had always imagined having two children so they would grow up together close in age and share memories like my brother and me. When I told my nan we may just have one child in the future she said "oh you can't have just one on their own, they'd be lonely!" (she had 6 children!) but anyone I've known who is an only child has been quite confident and sociable.

I am just curious what other peoples' reasons were for choosing not to have any more children after their first?

Or if you are an only child yourself, what was it like to grow up without siblings? Would you have liked to have siblings or quite liked being the only one?

Just asked my husband - he's an only, and he said it comes and goes. He was lonely a lot as a child, on holidays etc, and often wanted a sibling then, but once he was a teen and able to go out and about with mates it stopped bothering him. Now though, that his parents are getting older, the entire burden of their care and support is on him, and he's back to sometimes wishing he had a sibling to share it with. But in general he says that being an only child was fine.

My partner is also an only and it never bothered him. My nephew also. He's got loads of friends and has a very close relaxed relationship with his parents.
My daughter is not an only, I also have a son but he is severely disabled so unable to interact and play with her. She would like another sibling to play with but it's not gonna happen. I make sure we invite friends over a lot so she has other kids to play with and I play with her a lot too. I think she's ok!

Because I’m 36 now, and financially it would make sense to wait until our boy at least gets the thirty free hours. But then I’ll be 39, so I don’t know if I want to have another baby at 40.

Because I found pregnancy very long and very boring, even though I was lucky enough for it to be straightforward and have an ELCS.

Because we have no family help at all, both have to work full time, I condense a full time week into 3.5 days do I can have more time with my son and we pay less to the nursery (still £793 a month!!) and honestly it’s fucking tiring.

Because even though I love DH he is not nearly as hands on as a parent as he thinks he is, and it’s caused a lot of arguments.

Because I love DS so much I don’t want to share it with another child 😳

I would have happily had an only child, but my husband is an only and very strongly doesn’t want an only child. His overall experience of being an only child is something he didn’t like and doesn’t want to repeat with his children.

I think so much of it is personal and unpredictable, as it depends on the personality of the child and the family dynamics. I know two only children who are both around 10-11 now. One constantly begs for a sibling and seems unhappy being an only child; the other is very happy how he is and would be devastated with a new sibling.

I am an only and it's never been an issue. Never felt lonely, always played with friends etc, yet always had the comfort of a quiet and tidy house to come back to. My parents have enough savings for care homes and such.
We have just the one child. We were open minded about how many we would have but honestly after having one we decided that was enough for us. More would mean stretching ourselves thin ( mental health, time and money wise ) or making huge compromises we are not willing to take.
Of course it is just one view and others will have found it lonely. I guess you just can't tell how it will work out but you could equally say the same with siblings.

While some people are close to siblings others have far closer relationships with extended family members like cousins. I have seen this with both only children and children with siblings.

In fact many siblings dislike, hate or simply have no interest in each other even if they have have a close age gap.

So your nans reasoning is just to explain why she had six children.

My mum who had lots of siblings (and lots of children) gave a similar excuse when apart from one sister she was far closer to two cousins than the rest of her siblings.

I have one child because I chose to. If I had another pregnancy due to family history and age I have an increased chance of twins. I also have lots of siblings, while due to age gap and sex I got a lot of attention from my siblings, I only really got attention from my parents when my siblings were adults and I was a teen.

My reasons were financial and I had a traumatic birth so I really couldn't do that again.
My dd is a teen now. We are going on holiday for her birthday with her best friend. We wouldn't be able to do that if she had a sibling. Her friend has 3 younger brothers. Her Mum says life can be difficult as they all have different interests.
There are pros and cons to both. There is no perfect answer.

Dd is an only child. She's 29.
Overall she enjoys being an only child and the feels the benefits have outweighed the disadvantages so far.

Remember with siblings that there is no guarantee they will be friends, want to okay together, share nicely, will both take an active part is looking after elderly parents, etc.

Mil had a sibling but all the care of her dad when elderly came down to her. Siblings didn't help in any real way at all.

My dad has several siblings. One sibling hasn't spoken or seen any of them for decades, since meeting his then girlfriend and now wife I'm at about 16y. He moved away as soon as he left school to be with his partner's family instead. Apparently no issues before that and no one really knows what or why it happened.

FIL was one of three but siblings were so spaced out it was like three only children. None were particularly close.

Dh is a solicitor and deals with probate a lot. His experience through work is that parents should never rely on siblings to always get on and help share the burden when parents are older.

I'm lucky as I had a lovely childhood and get on well with both my siblings, despite a big age gap between me and my youngest sibling.

FwIW Dd has never been unhappy as an only child. She is a well adjusted and incredibly social young woman, independent and makes friends very easily, is generous and caring to others and in no way selfish or any of the other old fashioned stereotypes of an only child. We did put in time and effort to ensure she was able to nurture friendships when younger children which ensured loneliness wasn't an issue when she was small.

I'm an only child and I think there were times I wanted a sibling but they were fleeting phases. I think my mum is more conscious of me being an only as she gets older but for me, it's just how it is - nothing can change that now and I will just have to crack on when the time comes. I'm also not convinced that having a sibling would make looking after elderly parents any easier - my dad has a brother and still the looking after their mum fell to my dad as he was close by. My husband is one of six and they all have a very fraught relationship with each other and I can't imagine what will happen when his parents pass away and having to deal with the fallout of grief and family fractions.

We have DD who is 3 and I'm not sure if we will another but not for any of the above reasons or even financially or logistically. I just feel like we've reached a lovely stage where she is more independent, great company and fun to be with and I'm not sure I could start again with another. Our marriage has also seems to have returned to how it once was after those early years of exhaustion and not being able to get much time for each other.

We have a six year old. We would have another but it's not happening but when you go out and it costs £60 for the family and you realise with another it would cost about £90 you can see how cost comes into it.

I will tell you this; with one things are a LOT easier. I just find it all a breeze when you only have one child to connect with, watch, cater for, etc.

I know that another would actually make my life a lot harder (would be worth it of course)

I think there are benefits to both and one is not better than the other. I am an only child and I have "siblings" people who are like siblings to me, we would do anything for each other. I have a few of these people so I am not missing out on having a sibling. In fact I only get the best parts of siblings because we chose each other.

I do not envy people with siblings. My "fake" siblings are closer to me than their real siblings.

So do whichever feels right for you because honestly being an only child is really great in parts.

I had just the one because I hated every minute of pregnancy due to HG and vowed never to go through it again.

I am an only. I hated it and was lonely.

I was determined if I had children, there would be more than one.
As my remaining parent ages, I am solely responsible for their care.

I’m an only. Never felt it was an issue as a child - but I hate it as an adult! No family to speak of, all the responsibility/hassle for elderly parents.

I have two, who are great pals - and I look at them and wish I had had that. I know there are no guarantees that siblings get on, though!

DS is pretty much an only (DSS is 14 years older and has never lived with us, although he pops in to see DS regularly and is generally lovely) and it was the best decision for us. Age, finances, PND and DS being treated for cancer all made a second virtually impossible.

I am conscious of not wanting DS to be lonely so he has a wide social circle, I make the effort to see his friends every weekend and we go on holiday with friends so he has other children to play with.

I’m an only child and I’ve only had one child myself.
I wasn’t lonely but my parents devoted all their time to me and I had cousins to play with at family events etc.
My child attends classes and so on and gets all our attention. I don’t think she’s lonely… I hope not!

Various reasons for an only. Living a long way from any family support at the time. A difficult birth lead to bad PND so when everyone we knew was having a second (the classic 2 year gap) I still didn't feel recovered enough mentally and then we never felt the same need to try again. He got to about 3 and we just loved it being our little family, it has worked well for us. I didn't want to go back to exhaustion and was worried about the return of PND affecting my relationship with him/them.
Cost was also part of it but not a major deciding factor really. We would have managed 2 financially.
He's sociable, kind and caring. Has never asked for a sibling and seems content. Has a great group of friends and now we are living closer to family too.

Those of you who have only one child by choice (not because you weren't able have more) what were your reasons for this?

1. I hated being pregnant, so wouldn't want to do it again.
2. Ditto caring for a newborn/baby. Life is just starting to get easier now DS is 3 and I genuinely think it would break me if I had to go back to the beginning again.
3. I wanted to be able to give one DC my full attention and the best opportunities/experiences our finances could afford (e.g. private schooling). If we had more DC there would inevitably be compromises somewhere.
4. I'm an only child myself and loved it, would have hated having siblings. Conversely, DH is one of three and is NC with his siblings as an adult.
5. My career is really important to me, as is DH's to him. Our ability to both work full time, juggle childcare/illnesses etc would inevitably be harder with more DC to factor in.

Or if you are an only child yourself, what was it like to grow up without siblings?

Calm and peaceful, which is how I like it. Compared to a lot of my friends I suppose I did grow up quite quickly, preferred adult company to that of other children, etc. I've never felt anything negative about that though.

Would you have liked to have siblings or quite liked being the only one?
As above, I firmly believe I'd have hated having siblings.

Because I love DS so much I don’t want to share it with another child 😳

This is how I feel too! We meant to have two originally but I didn't conceive until I was 40!
I do worry that DS won't have anyone to share memories with when we're gone..that's my biggest worry tbh. He plays constantly with a friend who's the same age and is never lonely. Funnily enough his friend has a sister but spends every minute he can playing with DS! 😆

We have an only. That wasn’t the original plan - I always assumed we would have at least two. However I just never felt the urge to have another. I had PND and don’t cope well with little sleep which I think led to that decision, and DH was a bit of an older dad so happy to stop at one. Our family if three has always just felt right for us. I think DD is generally happy being an only - there are times when she gets a bit lonely or wishes she had someone else to play with but she’s good at entertaining herself and likes the fact that she gets all the attention. It also means she’s been able to have opportunities we might not have been able to afford if we had to pay for two children to do it.

I'm an only child. I can't remember ever being lonely and definitely never wanted any siblings. I remember one of my school friends came from a large family and I hated going to her house. It seemed so noisy and chaotic to me.

My DH is an only and it's very very apparent in the way he behaves and approaches things and his relationships with others

DH only wanted one and I said no when we discussed this pre marriage

My DD begged for siblings so I had them more for her than me I think sometimes - she worships them and it was absolutely the right decision

I think there are so many facets and variables to being a good parent that whether your child is an only or not is massively low down the list of things that actually matter.

FWIW I was a very happy only, not lonely at all. DH was one of three and loves his siblings but admits he would have been perfectly happy as an only. Children are all individuals; some thrive with siblings, others don't; some have good relationships with siblings, others don't.

Having 1 is great. I come from a big family and had fun, but I love what we've got as a family of 3 (plus dog). My dc is very close to her cousin (a year younger). My niece has a sibling but they're 7 years older and a different sex so rarely do anything together. We do try really hard though to organise things/ have people round etc so that my dc has people to be around. She's never said she's lonely but dies say she's bored sometimes- but who isn't! She has a great life- lots of fun trips and holidays. I work term time only and part time and always have at least one child at my home during the summer holidays that I am happy to look after.

I know several people who don't get on with their siblings at all, so it's not a guarantee for having a loving relationship in life snd someone else to share the burden.

I had a tough birth and a traumatic Labour which left me with awful PND

Fretful baby who slept badly and the pre school years were also very tough as he was extremely high energy and demanding!

Very little family help and husband who worked away a lot

Those were the main reasons really. Yes I sometimes feel bad for the lack of sibling but life is pretty great now. It's so manageable just having one child not to mention the financial side of things. Life just seems so easy compared to those I know with 2 or 3 kids.

We feel we have a really nice balance and we also know a lot of people who've stopped at one for similar reasons.

1. Cost! Can comfortably afford one. Two would be a massive push
2. Energy. I freaking LOVE my DS but my god it's exhausting.
3. Inability to multitask. I'm a good mum to 1. I think I wouldn't be able to spread myself out well to 2.
4. Postnatal period. My DS suffered with colic, silent reflux (or potentially undiagnosed CMPA). It was literally hell. I was going absolutely mad from sleep deprivation. I don't think I could ever go through that again.
5. My DS is already pretty full on. If I had another with his temperament it would be a very chaotic household
6. Pregnancy- it absolutely bloody sucked. I suffered quite a few complications and I really don't want to go through that again
7. No real inclination to - it feels like my family is complete (even though I would have liked a daughter initially, I'm so happy with what I have)
8. Fear - so many people sound so unhappy and stressed with multiples. I would be so scared to rock the boat and find myself in a horribly difficult situation
9. No family help nearby - I'm on the other side of the world. I think I might have found things significantly easier if I had had a break occasionally and had a grandparent who could give me a couple of hours respite. This is a big factor!!