Having an only child by choice?

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Those of you who have only one child by choice (not because you weren't able have more) what were your reasons for this? My partner and I have spoken about having child(ren) in the future and we are leaning towards having just one child due to cost of raising a child, childcare, devoting all our time and attention to one child. I had always imagined having two children so they would grow up together close in age and share memories like my brother and me. When I told my nan we may just have one child in the future she said "oh you can't have just one on their own, they'd be lonely!" (she had 6 children!) but anyone I've known who is an only child has been quite confident and sociable.

I am just curious what other peoples' reasons were for choosing not to have any more children after their first?

Or if you are an only child yourself, what was it like to grow up without siblings? Would you have liked to have siblings or quite liked being the only one?

We had to have IVF to have our DD but we’re likely going to choose not to try again with our frozen embryos so we are one and done by choice. Part of our reasons are not wanting to pay for or go through further treatment, or go through any more miscarriages, and part is that my anxiety during pregnancy is through the roof, I had a hard time in the first 2 trimesters and a traumatic birth but other reasons are:

• Money- Financially although we earn decently and have family help we will already struggle to have a comfortable lifestyle while paying for part time nursery for one child (and me going to 4 days a week). I want to be able to give her certain experiences, not talking being spoilt or private school or anything, just not scrimping and saving to have occasional day trips, going abroad to visit family, doing an after school activity etc also can hopefully retire earlier and afford to get her a bike/ phone/ help with uni etc
• Age- I’m nearly 35 and don’t want to be much older than 50 when any child reaches relative independence. Also could risk second child having disabilities which would likely adversely impact DD
• Health/ Relationship- One child (albeit she is a joy and best thing that’s ever happened to me) is hard work, has taken a toll on our health and relationship and each stage with her is getting better than the last, we don’t want to go back the way. I don’t want to risk further health issues either
• Time- We will both be working full time or near to full time and want to be able to give DD enough of our time in mornings, evenings, weekends and holidays, whilst also having some time as a couple and for ourselves, this would be much harder with a second child
• Environment is a big one, really want to limit our impact even more so now for DD’s future
• Don’t want our lives to be too consumed by drudge work, a second child means more cleaning, tidying, washing etc
• We have enough space for one with our house size and car size, if we had a second we might need bigger sizes of both
• Generally I think I have the energy and patience to be a good mum to one child but I don’t think I’d be as good a mum if I had two

DS is an only - technically he has an older half brother (my exes eldest) who he has a relatively good relationship with (there is a 7 year age gap) and has my exes girlfriends kids as 'step siblings' who he sees whenever he sees his dad.

My ex took away any agency over us having further kids as he had a vasectomy and I wouldn't have challenged it. I'm now 37 and single, and the likelihood is I won't have anymore due to age and the general feeling of being happy with what I've got.

Add into it the mix - financially I don't want to go back to the hefty childcare fees as I'd need to work, in addition to having a really bad experience pre and post natal (made worse by my ex) means I am content with my DS being my only. He will have the benefit of siblings from his fathers side, he has an involved family on my side and I'll foster social interaction.

I have found it hard to reconcile that I won't get the opportunity to be pregnant and experience that joy again, given my experience last time was so problematic and I wish I'd chosen someone better to parent a child with. But I have my wonderful son and that's okay.

These threads are always the same

• deliberately one and done are going to stand by the decision they made (not a choice I would make personally)

• secondary infertile are going to say they'd love to have at least had the choice to give their child a sibling and generally fall in the category of "if I could have more I would"

• those with more than one child will say it's the best decision they made

At the end of the day you are making a decision for your child. So there is always going to be an element of selfishness about it whether it's a choice to have another or not.

deliberately one and done are going to stand by the decision they made

Well... yeah, of course they are. Because they're sharing the reasoning for the decision they made in their personal situation. They aren't pretending it's the right decision for everyone, it was just the right one for them.

I have a couple of close friends who were onlies and they liked it well enough.

Also have a couple of friends that chose to stick to one to make life more manageable.

You will likely have to arrange more play dates, and it might not be ideal.. but it’s no massive deal.

it’s much more common than it used to be, and it’s a lot better for a child than having stressed, overwhelmed parents.

Mine is an only.
We just never had another one and I'm not even sure we discussed it.
I would say 50% of the people I know with children, only have one. It's only on Mumsnet that I've seen it being discussed as an issue.

Ds is nearly 4 and an only, dh and I are 95% sure we are 1 and done.

For us we love being a little trio and being able to afford life's luxuries (holidays etc would still need to be thought about but we can easily pend money on days out etc without thinking). I also enjoy that we are able to give ds our attention as much as he needs. Ds is at a great age where he loves spending time with us but can be left to play for a bit too whilst one of us, for example, jumps on the shower. Selfishly, I've loved the past 4 years but don't really want to go through the toddler tantrum stage etc with anyone that's not ds.

I'm an only, never bothered me, never felt lonely etc. It is perfectly normal only to have one child. We also have just one child and are very happy with our family as it is now so won't have any more.

I'm an only myself and was never lonely, I'm very happy in my own company and have never particularly wanted a sibling.

Then when I had a child I had a difficult pregnancy, hated having a newborn and generally find having a child much harder than I expected (although much, much better now he's pre-school age). I can't bear the thought of bickering siblings as I'm used to a quiet house growing up. And if we had another child we'd have to buy a bigger house, which would be a big stretch.

So there were go - one child and very happy about it. A close friend just announced she's pregnant with her second and I felt only relief that I don't have to do it again.

I cant really our into words why I chose to have only one child.

I just didn't want any more.

Even when I was small I'd imagined my adult self with one child... And when DD was born our family was complete. DH would have had another if I'd been keen, but was equally happy to stick with one.

DD would love a sibling, or at least thinks she would, but as one of three I know that siblings aren't all sunshine and laughter.

It's too late now anyway, and I feel a certain sense of relief, I no longer have that nagging question of whether a second child would be the 'right" thing to do.

Having more than one would be hell for me. I cannot understand how people enjoy the chaos of children running about and demanding attention. I also cannot bear the thought of dealing with a newborn and the months of broken sleep and the utter, mind numbing boredom of maternity leave.

Just one makes it easier to tag team with my partner, just one is cheaper and better for the environment.

I'm an only child and always wished I'd had a sibling - but I have a rose tinted view in that I think it would be lovely to have a sister to spend time with, talk to, share things when in reality I'm well aware that many siblings hate each other 🤣
I wouldn't say I felt lonely as an only child at all - it has in a way made me become very happily a 'loner' in that I'm quite happy with my own company, I prefer to go shopping on my own, I prefer to take my baby for walks in my own, and as much as I love my DP I love the fact (due to his work) I have the house to myself a couple of nights a week 🙌🏻
I like to think my child will have a sibling at some point though. But ultimately you need to do what's right for you - don't have another child just because you think it's 'best' for your current child. You being a mummy who is happy with your choices and life will have the biggest impact in your child xx

I will add the thing I HATED about being an only child is other peoples opinions - that I am selfish, spoilt, no social skills ...... 🤬🤬🤬

DP always said he would only have one, we both have siblings and I assumed once I had one I would be able to get him to change his mind.

One came along and I quickly realised I was done, hated pregnancy didn't want to do that again. We both struggled too adjust too our new lives with less money, time and sleep. We love our child so much and have a great life as a family of 3. No plans to change it and even if we did which is extremely unlikely age is now against us.

Basically everything that @DropYourSword said plus I have a sibling and we never got on growing up or have much of a relationship now.

Thank you all so much for sharing your honest experiences. I was feeling bad about only wanting one child and wondering if the child would be lonely or if I would be being selfish but it sounds like a lot of only children are happy enough and you've all helped me remember it is important not to feel pressure and to only do what we can cope with mentally, financially, practically etc. We don't have children yet and I suppose it's too early to know how we would feel after having the first child. And of course, it's never guaranteed that any of us can even have children, it is a blessing to be able to have children and for them to be happy and healthy xx

Just want to add - I didn't mean for it to sound in my previous post that people with only children are selfish, I know people do or don't have children, however many, for many different reasons but I just wondered how it affects someone being an only :)

I'd agree with this.
I'm an only married to an only.

You don't miss what you never had, but yes, I felt it on holidays and now I'm older I feel the weight of responsibility.

BUT if I'd had sibs theres no guarantee we'd get on or that they'd take any responsibility for aging parents - it might even have made it harder knowing someone could help but didn't.
Also I had a huge amount of time & love poured into me. I'm very secure in that way & was well supported financially at every stage

The only thing I would add is try and make an effort to be sociable with other parents - I struggled with shyness and other kids because I grew up surrounded by adults.

I don't think I'd change it.

We have an only by choice and could have easily had another one, health and money were not an issue and did not factor in our choice. We have a lot of time, attention, and resources to give our child.

I love our life and family. Our child get a lot form us and a lot of time with us. He’s getting a great education and we facilitate a lot of play dates, group sports and activities for him. Our house has an open door for his friends.

I know quite a few only children and they all have really strong, lifelong friendships.

We have an only by choice and could have easily had another one, health and money were not an issue and did not factor in our choice. We have a lot of time, attention, and resources to give our child.

I love our life and family. Our child get a lot form us and a lot of time with us. He’s getting a great education and we facilitate a lot of play dates, group sports and activities for him. Our house has an open door for his friends.

I know quite a few only children and they all have really strong, lifelong friendships.

We're exactly the same with DS and we have an open door policy ( within reason) to his friends
His neighbour will hopefully become his best friend and they have already likened themselves to brothers.

I wonder if there'll be a only child revolution. Brothers and sisters don't have to be blood relatives.