Can’t cope with this school mum anymore…

[PaddlingLikeADuck]

There are 4 of us who see each other on the school run each morning, our children are all in the same class and we tend to have general chit chat at drop-off and pick-up times.

Our children are 8 so we’ve known each other for about 4 years and over those
years we’ve done many days out together with the children, but also many nights out with just us as adults.

The hard thing is that one of the mums is near unbearable. She is so boastful, always bragging about what she has, the holidays she takes, the home refurbishments she’s doing, her car, her clothes, her jewellery etc. And no matter what conversation is being had she always manages to bring it back to herself and she has to out-do everyone. It’s so draining.

What she boasts most about though is her daughter who can do absolutely nothing wrong in her mum’s eyes. The mum is always bragging about her daughter’s school achievements, her daughter’s after-school activities, the medals and certificates she won, her daughter’s appearance, what she buys for her daughter etc and she will constantly put other children down (in a variety of subtle ways) to make her daughter seem better than everyone else. It’s really, really unpleasant.

She also loves to pass negative comments about the homes of other parents (if her child has been there) and she’s just so judgemental of how other people live if they don’t have the same £20k conservatory that she has. She has even stopped her daughter going to houses if she doesn’t approve of something, even if it’s as petty as some of the wallpaper coming away from the wall. She purposefully asks the parents of these children if she can use their bathroom so she can go and look upstairs.

Her daughter is incredibly spoilt and I know she’s only 8 but she’s quite unpleasant to be around. She constantly interrupts, pushes other children around, takes things from other children, is always showing off about herself etc and always has to be the best at everything.

The whole thing is so draining and it has gotten so, so much worse over the last year to the point that the other three of us are just done with it. We can’t cope with it anymore. We’ve been tolerating it for sake of the children’s friendships but I’m not sure that’s enough of a motivation anymore.

It is my birthday next week and I want us three (me and the two nice mums) to go out for a meal but I don’t know how to go about it without offending the other mum.

I just really, really don’t want her there because she will ruin the entire evening.

The mum has already been making comments about my birthday and asking how are we all going to celebrate it together and coming up with ideas etc and I feel like dying inside.

I just don’t want her to be part of it.

How do I manage this situation?

My husband thinks I should just be honest with her and tell her that I simply don’t enjoy her company and explain why.

I can’t do that though can I?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and dealt with it in a manner that nobody gets hurt?

Has she disparaged anywhere local for not being clean/fancy enough? Go there, and if she asks, say, 'Oh, Janet really wanted to try La Grotteria but after what you said about the napkins we assumed you wouldn't want to darken its doors again.'

The key thing is do the other two like her? Becayse if they do, then you will kill your social circle dead. You will be th bad guy excluding her. If they don’t like her either, then you’re on safer ground although people tend to bottle it when it comes to conflict and excluding someone like this.

Is she Amanda from 'Motherland'?

It's possible that all the boasting stems from deep insecurity.

If she wasn't spoiled rotten herself growing up and had a deprived childhood it could have led to her developing the obsession with having to be better than everyone else.

I would be honest with her and say to her that the constant boasting and looking down on other people is deeply unpleasant and has alienated her friendship with the three of you to the point where you don't want to meet up with her anymore unless she changes her attitude and is more humble.

She will either get the hump and look for new people to she can boast to and will most likely slag you all off or there is the slight chance she values your friendships and has a cry and works on her humility.

Have you but spoken up and pulled her up on her opinions or poor behaviour - like the wallpaper thing or when she says something unpleasant like that? If not, that was where you needed to start. If you’ve been keeping your moths shut its like you silently approve of her opinions and behaviour - she thinks you think the same. You need to let her know you don’t. That way, you’ll naturally no longer be close friends.

You don’t need to do it in a knock down drag out confrontation way like your DH seems to suggest - but you can’t just keep silent in these situations.

Well by not inviting her you’re going to offend her anyways so may as well be honest with her and tell her why 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you need to own your inferiority with nonchalance!

What I mean by that is - tell her that you and the other two Mums are feeling the pinch this year and have decided on a low key McDonalds (insert alternative modest establishment as required) visit for your birthday. None of you are bothered about the venue but you realise of course that it wouldn’t be her thing at all so you wouldn’t even ask her.

Maybe she would reflect more on the impression she is creating with her superficial values, if you make it clear that you are not interested in playing her oneupmanship game. Let her know plainly, without being rude, that you cherish simple friendship over lifestyle posturing. It might help her to relax and embrace imperfection, which is after all an inevitable consequence of being alive.

I do agree with others that there is probably deep insecurity behind her boasting.

It is my birthday next week and I want us three (me and the two nice mums) to go out for a meal but I don’t know how to go about it without offending the other mum

You can't get rid of people and still have them like you. It doesn't work that way. Make your choice: either go out without her and accept that she will be offended/upset, or don't. It's up to you.

I would go for an after drop off coffee with all the mums as your birthday treat and then go for a low key dinner with the people you like. And keep it quiet.

I would also start phasing her out/calling her out on her shit. It doesn't need to be nasty but just start putting up a boundary that you won't stand for it.

So if she says- "Chloe's mums house is really horrible inside, so naff, I won't have my little XX playing round there"
You say- Oh I didn't even notice that, she's just so nice we like going round there she makes it so fun for the girls"

You don't have to be controversial, but you are taking her to task a bit.

OP you do realise that she is chatting about your wallpaper to other people don't you. Just enjoy your birthday however you want with whoever you want, nothing will ever be good enough for this woman anyway so just don't ask her along.

Walk away in tiny steps.

Next time she says something unpleasant, tell her. Keep it short, "that's mean" will suffice. You don't need to explain, just let her know you don't like her behaviour.

Other phrases could be "that would upset x if she knew you thought that".

and "It isn't necessary to update us on dd's achievements".

She will soon gather you are pissed off and yes, she will feel pissed off back and the friendship with disappear but that's a win surely?

Tough it out for two more years so you don't jeopardise your dd's friendship group and then in y6 the kids will all walk to school and you will be free - or close enough!

Tell her you’re just celebrating with family then arrange the meal with the other mums and tell them not to say anything

I would be honest and tell her straight rather than talking behind her back.

But I'd have already been saying things like "Not that you'd like to boast or anything..."

"That's a bit mean..." when she talks about other kids.

She's likely immensely insecure. It's very socially awkward to openly boast.

That only works if the other two dislike her. If the other two like her or even like her more than the op, it does not work at all

Lol at your DHs advice!! I’m betting he doesn’t do the school run much and doesn’t invest as much time as you do into establishing relationships/friendships that benefit your DC. Like it’s that easy to walk up to the school gates and announce you don’t like someone without consequences all round.

But other posters are spot on asking why you haven’t done anything about this behaviour. I could not stand back and listen to someone diss someone else’s home/be a snobby cow, without calling it out.

This is such good advice.

There really is a happy medium between putting up with someone’s bad behaviour and saying nothing, and dumping them from a long-standing friendship group.

Of course you don’t have to invite her to your birthday dinner if you don’t want to - but I assume it would be low-key and you wouldn’t be dropping little hints to her, letting her know she’s missed out.

Like lots of pp have said, she’s obviously very insecure. If the other 3 of you are all on the same page, can’t you just start calling her out on her outrageous comments? If she’s boasting about her child, (or anything) being better, tell her life isn’t a competition, and change the subject. If she’s bitching about someone, tell her it takes all sorts, and change the subject. Tell her she’s being superficial or outrageous. It can be done in an amused, lighthearted (to use a loaded word!) way, rather than a lecture.

Emphasise a laid-back ‘live and let live’ attitude within the group and maybe she’ll get the message. You know you’d probably miss her if she wasn’t there!

She sounds like a right terror, but as you've all already invested four years into the friendship, perhaps the fairest thing to do is to give her the opportunity to pack it in before you cut her out completely.

Maybe next time she says something unkind, you should call her on it. Not in a way that starts a fight but just "Oof! X, that was a bit harsh!" or something like that to send the message that her mean comments are not appreciated.
And perhaps when she is going over the top with bragging about her daughter, you and the other mums could smile and say something neutral, but then move the conversation on to something that doesn't revolve around her and her child.

She might get the message quicker than you think - especially if it all stems from insecurity. Once she can see that you and the group don't approve of her behaviour, she may change it quite quickly.

I have some compassion for her because was a nightmare in my late-teens/early twenties and massively overcompensated for my insecurities by being sooo judgemental of others. Mostly I did it because I thought if I was seen to have immaculate standards, no one would be able to negatively judge me! So silly, I know. Looking back now, I wish someone had sat 20-y/o me down and said: "Hey, calm yourself down and stop being a menace!" I'm sure she is quite a bit older than 20, but the principle is the same.

It sounds like she does care about the friendship if she is already looking forward to your birthday, so you should probably give her the opportunity to remain a part of it. She won't change if she doesn't realise she is annoying you all.

You don’t like her or her daughter
my es she sounds either nasty or with massive insecurities and clueless
if you think it’s insecurities, just call her off every-time she’s being unkind, a simple “ouch, wonder what you’ll say about me?” could work
if she boasting, again a simple “ah, how the other half live…”
if she’s just nasty… why are you so concerned, just distance yourself
would it affect the kids? Maybe… but you don’t even seem to like the kid and if the kid is being raised to be nasty, do you really want to kid to think those are positive traits? Not saying bad mouth the other kid… just gently phase her out of the group

Tell her exactly why she won’t be coming. You can say it in a way that isn’t too rude such as “ Karen I don’t want to offend you But we feel you have a snobby attitude and in the current climate we feel its quite insulting. Maybe you don’t realise you do it but you do and we are tired of it”

Again this only works if the op is the queen bee and the other two mums really do dislike her. If that’s not th case the only person being phased out will be the op.

On the other hand, some people are just insufferable show-offs with an ego the size of a planet.

Start a separate WhatsApp group just the 3 of you and reply less and less to the original. Slowly photo 2 of you separately at social things then eventually just the three of you. Horrible but she sounds horrible to.

Thanks everyone for your replies, they’ve been very helpful.

This woman is hugely insecure for lots of reasons, which is why she’s always boasting and it’s because of her deep rooted poor self esteem that the rest of us haven’t pulled her up on it.

The other two moms find her even more insufferable than I do. I think I tolerate her more because our children are closer friends so I feel like I need to keep the peace.

I have never let the woman into my house because I know that if she’ll bitch about other people’s houses to me, then I know she’ll have no qualms about bitching about my house either.

The fact I have never let her in my house is a MASSIVE issue for her, she’s always passing comments to the other two mothers about it, wondering what I’m trying to hide etc. She has tried to invite herself round my house many, many times but I don’t allow for it.

I think I’m just going to have to seriously distance myself from her.