Reassure me other parents of quiet home loving boys

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I have three boys, years 5, 4 and 2. None are interested in sports, and while they have friends at school between covid and moving schools sleepovers have never been a thing. Year 5 child has had letter re residential this winter doesn’t want to go, its all typical outdoors, swinging from trees, and he is afraid of heights.
Second child is a born cryer, if be is nervous he cries first then shakes it off in his own time and will have a go.
I am feeling the panic that I should force them to do some sport to “man up” a bit, and that maybe having arranged work so we have always been there for the boys, and having no family around for them to go spend time away with has done them a disservice…
Other parents of academic, non sporty, happy at home children, tell me they’ll be fine!!!

They’ll be fine, better than fine. I really recommend this book:

blackwells.co.uk/bookshop/product/9781785923258

It’s hugely reassuring, let your lovely sons be who they are.

That sounds spot on, thank you. Will have a read.

I try to be confident they will be fine, but sometimes its hard when you see all the other boys bashing about and strutting and yours opt out.

My son was never a crier and was always really keen to go on school residentials, but other than that he was always very happy to be at home. He had a very small circle of friends who he saw at school and rarely at evenings or weekends, even when he reached his teens.
He’s always had everything going for him...really clever model pupil and super hard working, and my only worry was that he didn’t have a social life. Fast forward a few years....he’s just turned 18 and has lots of friends, a great social life, a great part time job and is working as hard as ever for his a levels.
My mum always told me not to worry, that he’d come out of himself and he really has. Don’t worry, just enjoy your lovely boys. My son is an amazing young man, I’m so proud of him!

They will be fine.

Mine is similar. He's a teen now... Really into music, swimming and tennis. Still a homebody and gets home at a decent time rather than hanging out with friends for too long. But does have plenty of friends.

Just keep trying different things and you'll find what they enjoy.

They will be fine. My son is similar, he is a teenager now and is starting to enjoy going out and about with his friends. He has found a group of similar boys and they have a great time, often playing on the x box together but they are happy and doing well.

It's so entrenched in society that boys are loud, boisterous etc and are, somehow, lesser for being quiet, studious. All part of toxic masculinity.

I have a quiet Ds who is a home body and embrace it. It's hard when all the boys around them seem more confident but Ds is gaining a quiet confidence at 16 and is a confidante to some of the more popular boys I've noticed. He will never be the life and soul but is a loyal friend, which, as they age, his friends will hopefully appreciate. Plus the nice thing is we don't get too many teen drama's and he still likes to give me a cuddle. His social life is mostly gaming.

Maybe encourage a sport where they don't have to be part of a team like judo, running or tennis but can still participate in competitions if they want to when they're older.

Or build confidence and resilience in other ways; walking holiday as a family, or a hobby like fossil/rock/ stamp collecting.

Ah I understand, I have a non sporty son, who is basically a bit nerdy (as are me and his dad, no surprise!) when he was younger we decided to get him guitar lessons, now he is in secondary he is good, playing guitar is cool and it’s given him something to boost his confidence. He’s made friends with other musical lads too. I would definitely recommend helping them find something in their comfort zone to be successful at.

Both my boys were like this as young children. Eldest is now 18, very academic, still just loves being at home. Not sporty at all but likes hiking and will sometimes go on a long bike ride. He's taught himself loads of DIY skills and just soaks up new things like a sponge.
He's very shy but quietly self confident. He's about to finish college with great results iA and has a holiday job lined up to start after his Alevels.
My ds2 is 14, also the same but just very into books. Still in highschool obviously so I don't push him to find other interests as he barely has time outside of his school and religious activities.

My son is like this too and very young for his age at 12.
But he's recently started going out with pals after school and that's a big thing for him.

He cries if he gets a row and has big emotions.

I do worry about him being bullied etc as he's not like the other kids in his year, but everyone is different I guess. His sister is so the opposite and I can't imagine her ever being bullied. She would stand up for herself.

I have three boys, all totally different personalities. Some quieter , others louder, different interests. I have no idea if it’s because they are male , produce testosterone but they are all very very active , it’s nothing we have done , they just have huge energy levels . They need a lot of exercise a day, I’m always amazed at families that can have chill out home days all day, I would never have screens on all day and if they are at home all day they become agitated.
Two of my three also slept badly for years so we would take them out to burn off that energy and to encourage sleep.
They are all very different , I’m v v into crafts and art and baking so I do loads of that but they are all naturally extremely physical and gravitate towards exercising a lot , they also have no fear towards jumping , climbing and surfing etc but it wasn’t what we did , more their natural way. I have brothers and none were remotely physical like my sons and were far more into home activities. It’s just their way, so I guess when ppl go on about boys being very active, I relate to that because all of ours are and it’s nothing to do with us pushing them into it, since they were babies they have tried to climb and run and even in the womb they never stopped moving… Your children have to find their own way and it’s down to their own personality.

I have three of those, all now in their 20s. They all found their tribes at school and have done just fine.

Of course they’ll be fine. And no, you don’t have to force them to do sport.
I would encourage the year 6 residential though as I have seen it make huge differences to children’s confidence to go and find that first independence. School will not force him to do activities he’s not comfortable with and there should be a range of things happening.
I would also start looking for something that the older one can do to increase independence and confidence. Scouts?

Not a parent of one, but I married one.

remember that those non-sporty, quiet homebodies often grow up to be intelligent, thoughtful men with successful careers and healthy egalitarian views towards women.

Thank you everyone. That is very helpful!

They have friends, but are happy having weekends to do their own thing. And they all have their own interests that they spend time on, one very into geography at the minute and challenged himself to learn every country, art and puzzles for the other two.

I think it just that panic of seeing them with a group of peers and feeling they are the odd owns out.

Ironically, I think my cryer will go on the residential next year, he won’t want to be left out and likes to challenge himself, even if he has to have a cry first!

It regularly strikes me as odd that as a society we want sensitive, empathetic men but boys who show those qualities are seen as lacking resilience and being soft.

The way boys are expected to behave at school is very strange to me. I have a 10yr old like yours OP. It is hard when I see so many boys playing football and know that he won’t join it, or when he cries because a bug died, but I comfort myself with the fact that school sports such as football are useless in adult life and it’s the academic sensitive men who ace university, get a highly paid job, and become brilliant fathers.

Hobbies you might want to see if your sons take to:

• guitar / piano


• coding


• art, eg sculpture/modelling


• cricket


• rock climbing / swimming / martial arts - basically things where he’s acting alone rather than as a team


• drama

I have an amazing boy who is a teen now. He doesn't socialise very much outside of school but is happy and relaxed. He has a good group of friends at school and gets on with all his classmates. He enjoys science and technology, isn't into sports, and is quite happy spending time at home with the family and grandparents/relatives.

Mother on home-loving older teen/ early 20s boys. I had the same concerns as you at their age, but honestly, don't worry, all will be fine.

Mine hated rough and tumble stuff, organised and competitive sports, and all the classic 'alpha male' stuff - football, rugby, playground games & groups.
But they did enjoy family bike rides and hikes and skiing and swimming on family holidays.
They excelled at nerdy computer things - coding, gaming, film-making & editing
Loved Lego.
Were both good in arts hobbies - music (cool instruments like guitar/sax) and also drama.

Both did well and are now at uni doing things they enjoy.

I married a sensitive man. He’s musical, has a great sense of humour and super intelligent. What’s not to love?!

I have three boys like yours op - they each take after their Dad, who is quiet, clever, kind and thoughtful (which is why I married him and have enjoyed the last 20 years I've been lucky enough to spend with him).

I am chatty, energetic, impulsive, madly social and love scary, adrenaline type stuff. My kids are sensible, quiet, thoughtful and reserved. I would struggle to parent them if they were more like me. The worry would be awful

Well, I have an alpha son who at that age was a pain in the backside and needed very firm boundaries. He's 27 now and has done OK because he was academic as well. I used to fear he might give more sensitive lads a bit of grief with his alpha mates.

There was a quirky boy at church who was very nerdy, not sporty, very musical, got bullied at school (cpl of years below ds).

Fast forward from 7 to 25. He's still a bit quirky and nerdy but an accomplished musician and training to be an actuary. He speaks three languages fluently. He's dd's boyfriend. She's also quirky and musical. They are rather lovely and ds manages to keep his FFS's to himself.

They all find their groove op. So of the alpha lads have lost their way in their late 20s. It's the sensitive souls who are coming to the fore. No drugs, little sex, moderate rock and roll.

They'll be just fine. I have two DSs 18 and 16, both non-sporty, always read a huge amount, well behaved in school, do well academically. (They're also messy and untidy and frustrating sometimes!)
We're a close family, they like being at home, we enjoy being together, and now they're both finding their way independently.
They have great groups of friends, lovely girlfriends, older son has had p/t jobs. They're both well adjusted, sociable, polite, sensitive people.
They're just naturally introverted and we encourage them to embrace that and understand it.

Please just accept them for who they are.

My Mum always thought I was too quiet and shy. She was always trying to push me forward to do things that I really didn't want to do. It didn't make a jot of difference as I am still the same person I always was. In fact, I resent the fact that she didn't accept me for being who I am. I have lots of positive qualities and talents but she never really saw them and that's had a pretty negative effect on my self esteem.

Don't doubt yourself, they sound like wonderful boys who will grow up happy and confident! Honestly if you just love them and let them be who they want to be, you can't really go wrong. My son wore princess dresses way beyond the toddler stage and although he wears 'boy' clothes now, his favourite colour is still rainbow and he sleeps surrounded by unicorns.

Mine were similar. The eldest is 31 now and a GP, he has a lovely wife and a wonderful son. My youngest is 28 and is getting married next weekend, he’s still a tender soul but is working in the film industry and doing well.
I understand your concerns because we’re taught to expect boys to be tough. Mine weren’t at all and neither of them were sporty. They are both beautiful humans though and I’m incredibly proud of them.