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Original poster

Is this PND? I don’t like my older child?

45 replies

Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 19:45

I have name changed for this.

im so so devastated about my feelings. Since having my baby 6 months ago I just can’t stand my older child. She’s 8. She’s lovely. Literally the perfect child, never in trouble, she’s loving, affectionate and obedient. She’s beautiful, caring and adores her baby brother.
i obviously love her fiercely, as I cry about this every single day when she’s gone to bed.
But I just don’t feel like I like her. I don’t want her around me, I just want to be on my own with my baby. I even feel the same about my husband.
everything she does irritates me, I don’t want to hug her, I don’t want to spend time with her.
I do still do all these things with her, in fact I probably over compensate by spoiling her now so she knows she’s loved.

i don’t know what to do. My perinatal team and health visitor don’t seem interested. My gp doesn’t seem at all bothered either and I can’t afford private counselling. Is this normal baby protectiveness where I just want to be with my baby? I feel so down about it. I don’t want her to ever feel unwanted.

does anyone else have any experience with this?

Thankyou.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 20/05/2022 19:48

Didn't want to read and run. That is not normal and it must be tremendously difficult for you all. Your health team is not the only health team. If you can't say the words aloud you could show this message. I hope you get the help you need soon. It will get easier.

BertieBotts · 20/05/2022 19:50

It's normal. It's a protective instinct to want to centre the new baby. Your feelings for your older child will also be different now because she is older. Not less, but less physical, at least it is for me.

It passes, keep the connection up with your older DD.

Sleepingsatellite1 · 20/05/2022 19:52

It does sound like a form of pnd to me, my friend was exactly the same but didn’t seek help and her daughter knew how she felt as she treated her awfully. You shouldn’t feel bad as you can’t help it but seek help 💐

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Arthursmom · 20/05/2022 19:58

I hope you are able to find help.

Original poster
Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 19:58

I don’t know where to go for help. GP aren’t I retested because I’m under the care of the perinatal team but they only really care about my bond with the baby, which is great!

can’t believe I spent my whole pregnancy panicking about not bonding with my baby when I should have worried about my bond with my daughter :(

OP posts:
Sleepingsatellite1 · 20/05/2022 20:05

Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 19:58

I don’t know where to go for help. GP aren’t I retested because I’m under the care of the perinatal team but they only really care about my bond with the baby, which is great!

can’t believe I spent my whole pregnancy panicking about not bonding with my baby when I should have worried about my bond with my daughter :(

Can you ask to see another doctor?

Arthursmom · 20/05/2022 20:20

There should be a community mental health team?

LittleAvocet · 20/05/2022 20:23

Can your husband look after your baby for you for a little while so you can spend some quality time with your daughter? Your daughter needs you to like her not just love her. Is there something you both enjoy that you can do together?

Original poster
Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 20:33

The community team won’t see me while I’m still under the care of the perinatal team. I have bipolar and am currently unmedicated due to breastfeeding so I have to stay with the perinatal team.

my husband has been great, and he does often have the baby while I do things with my daughter. I just really struggle with her.

OP posts:
Ameanstreakamilewide · 20/05/2022 20:37

Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 20:33

The community team won’t see me while I’m still under the care of the perinatal team. I have bipolar and am currently unmedicated due to breastfeeding so I have to stay with the perinatal team.

my husband has been great, and he does often have the baby while I do things with my daughter. I just really struggle with her.

Are you taking Lamotrigine?

Mollyplop999 · 20/05/2022 20:37

Although it's a long time ago I remember feeling exactly like this. It was pnd. You need medication for a while and I promise it will pass. Sending hugs.

Original poster
Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 20:40

I’m not taking anything atm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 20:40

My baby won’t take a bottle or formula. It’s a nightmare.

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 20/05/2022 20:43

Op - I felt the same about my eldest when my youngest came . It didn't last . Talk to someone . My eldest has asd and suddenly everything is tolerated before became so annoying ! It didn't last . Talk to someone lovely .

Original poster
Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 20:46

I tried opening up to a family member and they said that I was an abusive parent. Now I just feel too scared to talk to anyone about it.

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 20/05/2022 20:46

Definitely not 'normal' in my experience so I wouldn't just wait for it to pass, I'd take the advice you've been given here and keep pressing for help.

BertieBotts · 20/05/2022 20:48

Interesting Vicar - my eldest has ADHD and the two friends I know who this happened to IRL, their eldest child has ADHD (one ADHD/ASD) as well.

Weirdly it didn't happen when I had DS3, or maybe I just didn't notice because I was expecting it and it happened anyway but I sort of accounted for it?

I'm wondering if it's come as a surprise if you were worrying about bonding with the baby and that's why it seems like such a stark difference?

Original poster
Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 20:57

I was so so worried about bonding with the baby. Maybe that’s triggered something with my daughter? I was in an abusive relationship when she was born and my life was very hard, ending in a suicide attempt when she was a few months old. I couldn’t breastfeed her because she was too poorly.

i think I feel a lot of guilt about how well I’ve bonded with my new baby, how I’ve breastfed him, how my life is so much better now. I think it’s unlocked a lot of past trauma from when she was little.

i really do love her and I really don’t want to feel this way. I’m fucking blessed to have her she’s an angel.

OP posts:
opalescent · 20/05/2022 20:59

Sorry if you've already answered this, but did these feelings only start when your new baby arrived? How was your relationship with your guest daughter before then?

opalescent · 20/05/2022 21:00

*first not guest

Original poster
Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 21:06

my pregnancy was hard, and I wasn’t able to be a very good mum to her as i was so ill. I was in hospital for 3 weeks before baby was born and I cried every time I thought of her or looked at a picture of her. I don’t understand how I can go from that to now not wanting her to touch me or be near me at all. I feel like something in my brain has broken.

OP posts:
IJustAskItAll · 20/05/2022 21:08

I know this might sound like an odd question but can you remember how your parents were with you when you were 8? How your mum was with you?
Do you have a younger sibling?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 20/05/2022 21:09

Hi OP would it help to go back on your medication do you think? Would that help with the way you are feeling about your DD. You are a good parent as you recognise the need to reconnect with your DD and sounds like you are covering your feelings well. Good Luck hope you can get some real life support.

Greensleeves · 20/05/2022 21:12

Babyblooz · 20/05/2022 20:46

I tried opening up to a family member and they said that I was an abusive parent. Now I just feel too scared to talk to anyone about it.

They're not only wrong, but incredibly cruel and irresponsible to say that to you! This is actually more common than people realise. I didn't go through it myself, but I do have friends who did, and you couldn't tell which ones by looking at their relationships now, because it passes. I think it's similar to the changed feelings some women experience towards stepchildren and nephews/nieces when they have a baby. There's a biological imperative to create a bubble around the mother and new baby, and the older child is outside that bubble.

It's upsetting you because you love her so much - you know that, so hold on to it. I would go back to the perinatal team and be more forceful about needing to address the possibility of PND. They should be listening to you, not fobbing you off. I'd also keep trying to get the baby off the breast, personally, because IMO your mental health is more important than breastmilk. That's your call though, of course. If you do want to, I'd suggest trying a cup if she won't take a bottle, or getting DP/other people to try bottle feeding when she's really hungry.

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