Is this PND? I don’t like my older child?

[Babyblooz]

I have name changed for this.

im so so devastated about my feelings. Since having my baby 6 months ago I just can’t stand my older child. She’s 8. She’s lovely. Literally the perfect child, never in trouble, she’s loving, affectionate and obedient. She’s beautiful, caring and adores her baby brother.
i obviously love her fiercely, as I cry about this every single day when she’s gone to bed.
But I just don’t feel like I like her. I don’t want her around me, I just want to be on my own with my baby. I even feel the same about my husband.
everything she does irritates me, I don’t want to hug her, I don’t want to spend time with her.
I do still do all these things with her, in fact I probably over compensate by spoiling her now so she knows she’s loved.

i don’t know what to do. My perinatal team and health visitor don’t seem interested. My gp doesn’t seem at all bothered either and I can’t afford private counselling. Is this normal baby protectiveness where I just want to be with my baby? I feel so down about it. I don’t want her to ever feel unwanted.

does anyone else have any experience with this?

Thankyou.

I’ve never felt loved by my parents. My dad left at 7 and married a woman who hates me. They have kids together who they adore.

I want to go back on my meds but am struggling to wean the baby. He’s on solids now but still breastfeeding every few hours. We’ve tried every formula and he just won’t take it.

no sorry that's not normal at all !

It did make me feel like a piece of shit.
my husband has been trying to help with bottles etc but he is only able to help for the morning feed, as he leaves for work at lunch time and doesn’t get home till 10:30-11:00pm.

Contact Dr Wendy Jone's at the breastfeeding network. She specialises in helping breast feeding mum's take the medication they need. They have a lot more information than GPs/ health visitors etc.

I was in a few breastfeeding groups years ago and her everyone is effusive in their praise of her and her service.

Sorry you're being let down by your own care team.

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/dr-wendy-jones-the-breastfeeding-networks-pharmacist-awarded-mbe-in-queens-new-years-honours-list/

I’ve never felt loved by my parents. My dad left at 7 and married a woman who hates me. They have kids together who they adore.

I'm really sorry to hear this.
I know it might sound like a strange thing to hear - but this might have something to do with it.
Sometimes when our child turns a certain age, we are triggered in to feeling feelings / thoughts & behaviours etc that we experienced from our parents when we were that age.
Is there a possibility of you seeing a therapist?

Yes this definitely could be PND.
Please don’t feel guilty, but please seek help.

If GP or HV are not helpful, there’s the PANDAS helpline/email support.

I’m all sorts of fucked up so probably do need a lot of therapy. It’s expensive though. But I’ll try and see what I can do.

It sounds like history repeating itself in a way. You were replaced with your new siblings by your dad at age 7 and now your bond with your 8 year old has broken down following giving her a new sibling. I think you may have a buried core beliefs eg. that parents can't love their 7/8year old and their new baby at the same time, and when the natural protective instinct of your new baby kicked in it uprooted those buried feelings and beliefs and created this problem in your mind.
Yes, you may need therapy to look at all of that, you may also not need therapy. Plenty of people manage to change feelings like this around their children and parenting and past by making a conscious decision to alter their beliefs, thoughts, actions etc. Around something.
Maybe start by spending some time with your eldest not spoiling her, but just getting to know her. Trying to notice all the good things about her, and making a conscious effort to just be in her presence more might help you uncover your uncomfortable feelings in the relationship now. You may find that it is not as hard to connect with her as you realised.
You may just be struggling with holding two people you love that much in your head and heart at the same time, but over time it becomes possible to love both of them at the same time without feeling conflicted. It's ok to love your baby and your older child both completely at the same time. Just because your Dad did not manage that does not mean you cannot. Just because he's at fault does not mean you are faulty. And whatever your mixed feelings on this, you are actively showing great love and commitment to both those children in reaching out for help, searching for answers and not letting your inner turmoil impact on the love you show them.
That makes you a far better parent than many will ever be. Your kids are both lucky to have you

My siblings didn’t come about until I was 16, but do you think that still could be the reason why?

ive sent of an application for some counselling on nhs. Should get back to me in the next 2 weeks.

I’m not a doctor, but this sounds like your bipolar is rearing its ugly head, not PND (although it could be that as well). You mentioned that you’re struggling to wean your baby and bottle feed her. You really need to ask your health visitor for help ie weaning and bottle feeding. Then you need to go back to your dr and discuss re-starting your meds. You still have time to undo the damage done to your relationship with your older Dd. But you need to be quick. At 8 she probably already thinks you hate her, but if you try NOW then you have a chance. Speaking from experience… from the DD’s perspective :(

The health visitor just says “persevere”. “Get husband to do it”.

Husband is only about for 1 feed! I am really trying.

I almost felt the opposite in that once baby’s need were met and they were strapped to me I didn’t want to leave dc1 or dc2 when siblings came along as i felt fiercely protective of them and our established connection…they are all teenagers now and it does seem like a different dimension thinking of those early years

I do feel maybe if she was younger I wouldn’t feel this way as she would still be very dependent on me. But she’s older and very independent and does pretty much everything for herself.

Name changed to comment here. I'm in the same situation with a small baby and a 4 year old. I don't have the same history with family or bipolar but I am also struggling with my feelings around my older child. I also feel fobbed off by my perinatal mental health team, GP, midwife and health visitor. I am scared.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but you're not alone 😔

These sound like immensely difficult feelings to contend with. I hope you are able to get to the bottom of them and accept what you find 💐

You mention not wanting your eldest child to touch you... You haven't breastfed before, but have you heard of feeling 'touched out'? This might not be the whole story, but it could be exasperating your feelings.

You might want to look at this page and discuss with your doctor? Doctors often err on the side of caution with drugs and breastfeeding but this is not always the most beneficial course of action. It's a good source and there is a helpline for professionals to contact if there are any questions.

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/bipolar-disorder/

Sometimes you don't need to wean completely if a baby is feeding less and eating more solids, it isn't considered as risky as it would be with a very young baby.

I never thought about the touched out thing before. I’ve had a Google and that does seem to ring true for me. It’s like a skin crawling sensation when I’m touched by her, especially when she kisses me on the lips.

In terms of meds, I have to stop breastfeeding. I take Lithium which I absolutely can not take while breastfeeding and the other medications do not agree with me at all.

thabkyou all so much for being kind. This is such an awful subject, but seems I’m not alone. I really appreciate it.

I’m so sorry OP. I think your medical team has really let you down by advocating that you stop taking medication in order to breastfeed.

Your mental health and the potential effects on your older child are far more important than ‘breast is best’.

Please keep pushing for help from your perinatal team. You sound like a lovely mum (otherwise you wouldn’t be so upset by your feelings!).

I'm a bit concerned about all these people saying it's not normal - when it is.

Obviously there is an element of mental health within this due to your history - but it's literally primal that all of your energy is to focus on the new baby.

I felt the same. And I have three. And each time the older one would irritate me beyond belief. It does pass.

And best thing about it, you're aware of it. So you're definitely not dreadful or a lost cause or abusive.

Consider when the time is right for you to continue meds, keep checking in with yourself and talk to your DH about how you're feeling and needing support.