Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

My son is a bit ungrateful

38 replies

DoItYourselfMum · 11/05/2022 16:15

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 3 yo son. His dad is taking him only about every 2 weeks now, but for 2 years of his life it was exactly 0 physical and financial participation.

But although alone for everything I am taking my child to trips even complete families cannot afford, going to all kind of children groups to make sure he has friends, he has lovely room with amazing toys (not spoiling at all in this way, as I follow Montessori and age appropriate approach), we travel every 6 months to Europe to see my parents, so he experiences things other children could dream of. Going huge fun parks, Zoos and similar around Europe.

But the moment he is with his father even slightest of attention from him and a weekend closed in his dad’s girlfriend council house or a stupid £30 scooter (first gift from he was born) makes him in my son’s eyes a god of everything. Not even mentioning how my child behaves after weekend with him. My ex and his current woman allow him to do everything. And last time my son even came calling that woman a “mum”.

I feel like my heart broke 2nd time. Have no idea how to stop them buying him. Have no idea why my child became resentful towards me the moment his dad is back in his life. I know he uses physical punishments like smacking hands I wouldn’t allow in my home. So why? Like these two broke my family time ago and now are even breaking the relationship between me and my son.

Anyone similar experience?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 11/05/2022 16:21

I don't think its reasonable to call your son ungrateful? He's 3 and knows nothing about gratitude. I have no personal experience but I think its a fairly normal behaviour for a child to try harder for attention and approval from people who a) don't give it reliably and b) can also punish....its one of the ways that people end up as "pleasers" or "appeasers" because they were conditioned to be so in childhood. Its a nasty situation to see your son being damaged in this way and I really feel for you.

Hugasauras · 11/05/2022 16:21

Eh? He's 2 Confused

Original poster
DoItYourselfMum · 11/05/2022 16:22

I would like to also highlight that it doesn’t help that his father started to post pictures of our son with him and his girlfriend from these weekend visits on his social media. Calling themselves a family. And selling it in a way that thanks to him this child is so great. I feel like they are getting the most of the cake I was working on 3 years.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General parenting
Needmorelego · 11/05/2022 16:23

3 year olds don't know the concept of money. He won't know that you are spending lots on experiences to zoos and fun parks. To him they are just a place you take him to the same as if you took him to the local library or Tesco. He won't know that some children don't do that. Going to see grandparents abroad is just how he knows how he sees them the same way it would be to him if you just had to take the Number 3 bus half an hour across town.
He is 3. That's his normality. He is not ungrateful.
A scooter is exciting at age 3 whether it cost £30 or £300 or even free from a neighbour kid who has outgrown it.

PolynesianParadise · 11/05/2022 16:23

Three is so tiny. Most of what they do isn't rational; it's instinct. Your fear that you are losing your son is unfounded. You are everything to him and you always will be. Deal with behaviour consistently and with love. Make sure you consistently make him say thank you and be grateful for gifts, for example. His Dad is the second most important person in his life. Don't ruin that relationship out of jealousy.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 11/05/2022 16:24

He isn’t ungrateful he is 2! My 2 year old is delighted with whatever is there in the moment, an cardbaord box, a biro, a snail. It’s what they do.

AmbushedByCake1 · 11/05/2022 16:24

Your child is two. They don't have the capacity to be 'ungrateful' or 'resentful'.

wonderwoman26 · 11/05/2022 16:24

This isn't about your son, this is about your feelings towards your Ex and the GF.

Your son is 2, he has no idea about being 'grateful'. He suddenly has a new influence in his life, and is probably excited to spend time with this nice stranger who buys him nice things. You however, are around all the time and are his safety blanket. Your not new and exciting, but you are his mum. If he was 13, id understand a bit more. But hes not even 3 and your expecting him to understand complex adult emotions.

He has no idea calling your ex's GF 'mum' is upsetting to you - you need to refocus your energy on learning to accept that his father is now back in his life and be supportive of this.

Hugasauras · 11/05/2022 16:26

This isn't really anything to do with your son being ungrateful though. 3yos aren't capable of complex concepts like being thankful for things. He is at the stage where superficial things are exciting and his dad is a novelty, whereas you are a constant. It's frustrating I'm sure but you are the steady influence and that has deeper meaning than him being excited about a scooter, and in years to come that'll become apparent.

The physical punishment thing is the thing that would concern me.

Roastonsun8 · 11/05/2022 16:28

Ohh Dear OP. You need to shake this feeling your DC is 3 so perhaps he is spoilt a little but but like the 1st poster said it's unreasonable to say he's ungrateful.

Your feeling resentful it sounds. The cookie often crumbles like this my DS is 7 and dad's house seems wonderful also... the reality is DS goes every 2 weeks and the weekend starts on Sat am and ends on Sun evening! However DS is too young to understand and its his dad... time will tell.

Mumoblue · 11/05/2022 16:28

He’s TWO.
He is only just beginning to understand that other people even have feelings.

”Gratitude” is not an age appropriate expectation.

MissNothing1991 · 11/05/2022 16:29

DoItYourselfMum · 11/05/2022 16:15

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 3 yo son. His dad is taking him only about every 2 weeks now, but for 2 years of his life it was exactly 0 physical and financial participation.

But although alone for everything I am taking my child to trips even complete families cannot afford, going to all kind of children groups to make sure he has friends, he has lovely room with amazing toys (not spoiling at all in this way, as I follow Montessori and age appropriate approach), we travel every 6 months to Europe to see my parents, so he experiences things other children could dream of. Going huge fun parks, Zoos and similar around Europe.

But the moment he is with his father even slightest of attention from him and a weekend closed in his dad’s girlfriend council house or a stupid £30 scooter (first gift from he was born) makes him in my son’s eyes a god of everything. Not even mentioning how my child behaves after weekend with him. My ex and his current woman allow him to do everything. And last time my son even came calling that woman a “mum”.

I feel like my heart broke 2nd time. Have no idea how to stop them buying him. Have no idea why my child became resentful towards me the moment his dad is back in his life. I know he uses physical punishments like smacking hands I wouldn’t allow in my home. So why? Like these two broke my family time ago and now are even breaking the relationship between me and my son.

Anyone similar experience?

As someone who lives in one of the 'council houses' You look down your nose at, and would probably buy my daughter a £30 scooter, maybe you should adjust your snobby attitude and be thankful his dad stepped up in the first place. I'd find you and your self righteousness hard to stomach personally.

sjxoxo · 11/05/2022 16:32

Basically your ex is a s* and your son, who is so little still and does not understand any of this, is desperate for his dad’s attention because it is rare. It’s like a chocolate in his eyes. You know this habit is bad for him. Unfortunately I don’t know if there’s anything you can do… keep in mind as your son grows up he will see what his ‘dad’ is really like, and he will make up his own mind. He is too young to understand the dynamic of this. Don’t take it personally.. he will grow up and see the reality for himself in time. Are there any other male role models In his life?? It’s not good for him to learn that his dad will not always be there when he needs. Is there another male role model who he can also learn from and have a close relationship with? The best you can do is be there for him, like you are xxxx

hamstersarse · 11/05/2022 16:32

Yikes, this is not a good outlook on the situation. You are projecting all sorts of feelings and intentions onto your 2 year old.

You have some 'stuff' to work through but in the meantime, really really try to remember your son is 2 and doesn't have a clue about any of the history to the relationship, he is just dealing with what is infront of him and instinctual

LetitiaLeghorn · 11/05/2022 16:34

Aww, he's only 2. Don't be too judgemental with him. He's with you all the time so knows you'll always be there but this is his dad and he is allowed to love him. In fact that's what you'd want for him, I'd think. If he enjoys himself there, that's a good thing. But he's always going to come home to you and you're always going to be his constant. Over time he might stop enjoying it there or his dad might let him down, but you'll always be there, you'll always be his mum, and he will always love you.

LovelyDaaling · 11/05/2022 16:34

You really should stop following your ex on social media. It's not doing you any good.

sjxoxo · 11/05/2022 16:34

@MissNothing1991 I don’t find op self righteous. Maybe his dads house isn’t in a nice area where she would prefer her son to experience growing up? It’s a fair point and demonstrates how hard it is after a split when it comes to kids. xo

PBJTime · 11/05/2022 16:37

He's two years old....... he doesn't know how to be ungreatful.

Maybe your part of the problem here?

Original poster
DoItYourselfMum · 11/05/2022 16:49

Yes, I am a bit concerned. Our worlds are like two different planets. While I don’t even touch alcohol in his dad’s place drugs are a norm. He lost his house to debt and gambling. Then found this girlfriend and lost even me, because his excessive spendings dragged me down too. I couldn’t stay I basically became a bank for him and his GF without even me knowing. Social services advised a contact. Same would probably happen if it went to court. So I complied. I believed it was a good thing, as no I don’t have a partner. Although, it would be beautiful to love someone again. Hard to care for kiddo, work and even date! So no other male role model.

And I agree with everyone. The topic name “MY SON IS A BIT UNGRATEFUL” was a bit of a poor words choice from myself. Of course he doesn’t understand this concept. He is tiny. Very ahead of his 2 yo peers but still tiny. Apologies for the misconception, as after this weekend I didn’t sleep much. My nights are a bit sleepless these days.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoItYourselfMum · 11/05/2022 17:08

@LovelyDaaling @LetitiaLeghorn @wonderwoman26
@Hugasauras You all said something that caught my eye. “Being a constant or a safety blanket.” From previous experience his dad takes him only when it is convenient for his GF. You made me realise that the social media appearance is not genuine, because they wouldn’t take the responsibility of him full-time. I might sounded snobby but these people would dispose of my son anytime when it is “their time”. So as much as I am jealous of those “family” comments. As much as, they feel on top of me all the time and break my heart, it seems less of a big deal now. Thank you. xx

OP posts:
Daisiesunderblueskies · 11/05/2022 17:17

I understand your sentiments. Ex of 15 years left me 18 months ago and started dating a new girlfriend within a matter of weeks (I suspect they'd been together much longer but I'll never know and really, who cares at this point). His moving out meant he essentially stopped being a parent and is now a parent when it suits him, one weekend day here and there (no over nights), the occasional day in the holidays. He is, for all intents and purposes, like a friend to the kids really, rather than a parent as he does none of the actual parenting, like arranging Dr's appointments, homework, washing, emotional care-everything that being a parent entails.

But the kids love him and think he is wonderful and a great Dad and it's so hard to bite my tongue and point out everything that I do that isn't appreciated and that my life is dedicated to giving my everything to them when he dips in and out and has spent the past 18 months basically being carefree and cultivating his relationship-of course I have no time to do the same when all my time is dedicated to my children, which I of course do happily.

It's hard to not feel resentful and for a long time I really did feel very angry and bitter that he was essentially 'getting away with it' and the kids thinking he was wonderful but I am past that now and remember that they are so little and will perhaps understand when they are older. It's him that's missing out, not me and I won't need to point that out to them as they get older, it would sour their relationship with their Dad and my biggest concern is for their happiness.

As an aside, I think society in general places very low expectations on Dads. I have had various family members tell me I am lucky that he does any childcare or gives me any maintenance. My HV commented that 'wow, he is really involved, that's great!'...what spending less than 10 hours a week with HIS children...yeah, really bloody involved. Each parent is responsible for 50% of that childs financial and emotional upbringing and ideally it should be shared equally. I get so cross at the praising of men doing the absolute bare minimum of all things child related.

Please try not to get upset about this. Ultimately you want your DC to have a great relationship with both parents, irrespective of how you feel about each other.

MozerellaSalad · 11/05/2022 17:22

Very ahead of his 2 yo peers but still tiny

Only on MN

ldontWanna · 11/05/2022 17:34

1.You need to stop projecting your feelings towards your ex and his gf on your son.

  1. Be happy that he is still too little to fully understand how shit his dad is. That heartbreak will come,his eyes will open , he will be aware of the rejection and lack of real interest and love. It will be a hard time for him and you will have to be there for him,just like you've always been.
YRGAM · 11/05/2022 17:40

Please please please please PLEASE don't project your feelings about your ex onto your son. Don't make him choose. Don't make him feel guilty. The best thing you can do for your boy right now is to make sure he is as happy as possible, and a big part of this is a natural, pressure-free, non-weaponised relationship with both his parents.

PriestessofPing · 11/05/2022 17:50

He’s happy to see his dad and has no concept of what you’ve done for him and won’t for years yet. He will eventually, just keep on parenting him well and being there for him. In the meantime, ignore social media and the bollocks they post on there, YOU are his mummy and nobody else. The girlfriend will be long gone in a year or two if your ex is as bad as you say. Do your best to be amicable with your ex for your son and don’t compete.