My son is a bit ungrateful

[DoItYourselfMum]

Hi everyone,

I have an almost 3 yo son. His dad is taking him only about every 2 weeks now, but for 2 years of his life it was exactly 0 physical and financial participation.

But although alone for everything I am taking my child to trips even complete families cannot afford, going to all kind of children groups to make sure he has friends, he has lovely room with amazing toys (not spoiling at all in this way, as I follow Montessori and age appropriate approach), we travel every 6 months to Europe to see my parents, so he experiences things other children could dream of. Going huge fun parks, Zoos and similar around Europe.

But the moment he is with his father even slightest of attention from him and a weekend closed in his dad’s girlfriend council house or a stupid £30 scooter (first gift from he was born) makes him in my son’s eyes a god of everything. Not even mentioning how my child behaves after weekend with him. My ex and his current woman allow him to do everything. And last time my son even came calling that woman a “mum”.

I feel like my heart broke 2nd time. Have no idea how to stop them buying him. Have no idea why my child became resentful towards me the moment his dad is back in his life. I know he uses physical punishments like smacking hands I wouldn’t allow in my home. So why? Like these two broke my family time ago and now are even breaking the relationship between me and my son.

Anyone similar experience?

@YRGAM Thank you for your point. But I cannot completely agree with this statement. The relationship between him and his dad is not natural at all. If it was he wouldn’t leave us and be here for his son from day 1. How is trying to force my son to call his GF “mum” or their relationship and visits once in 2-3 weeks a “family” a natural thing?

😁. Poor poppet! OP, just let him be 2. 2 year olds have the attention span of a knat and the reasoning ability

Posted too soon! The reasoning ability of your average dog.

Your expectations are way out of whack of what he is capable of. And you'd better get used to feeling unappreciated because you're his safe person and your home his safe place where he can let it all out. It sucks, but there it is.

Just wanted to say I really feel for you, OP, and @Daisiesunderblueskies too. You are both absolute heroes to do all the hard work by yourselves and bite your lip when dad gets the hero worship. I can’t imagine how annoying that must be, especially when dad has time to find a new girlfriend because he’s not home parenting every night like you. You both sound like brilliant mums.

@Daisiesunderblueskies That comment from the health visitor is infuriating! Low expectations indeed. Your kids are so lucky to have you and the love and stability you represent. I promise they will see the situation clearly when they’re bigger.

OP, I agree with others that your little one isn’t ungrateful and you’re projecting. It’s annoying dad is getting all the adoration when you’re the one putting in the hard work but he’ll understand your sacrifice when he’s bigger. It sucks but it’s not his fault.

What do you mean your DS is ungrateful and resentful? He is 3, he doesn’t know how to be any of these things! For his sake, try to be pleased for him that his dad is back in his life, rather than bitter, jealous and snobby about it otherwise he WILL end up rather being with his dad than you.

@PinkSyCo I think the op has already acknowledged her poor wording and retracted that statement. 🙂

He's little OP, it's really easy to feel a bit sad that you can do so much for your child and buy so much and they don't see you in the same way as they do the other parent when you are split up and it's very one sided, my DD was like it, but try to remember that he won't think of all the little things you do and all of the actual 'parenting' you do because he's so small. My DD now is getting older and much more aware. We have moments and I still occasionally get a bit sad but I take myself away from the situation and be a bit sad on my own for a little while and then remind myself it won't last forever. My mum did everything for me, she didn't get maintenance either, my dad would swoop in and drop loads of Xmas presents off and then disappear again for about 6 months, I don't think he's amazing now I'm an adult. I think he's useless.

Unfortunately that’s little kids for you. He thinks he’s part of you and you are always there with him.

When my DS was little he was all for his dad even though I did all the grunt work, fed clothes, read too, etc and it soon changes!

I would try not to react. If your son mentions the girlfriend as mummy I would just casually say do you mean x. Call her by her first name. E.g oh you mean daddy's friend Jane.

Children are fickle beings! His dad and girlfriend are spoiling him and what child doesn't enjoy that? I know it must be very hard to witness, but don't doubt his love for you. You are his constant and you will always hold the most special place in his heart and no social media posts can change that. My mum and dad were divorced and my dad was very disinterested, I only saw him once a year. When I saw him, he's spoil me and let me do what ever I wanted. For years I thought he was great and would feel sad about not seeing him more. But as I grew up, I saw him for what he was - a crappy dad, trying to buy my love. I came to the realisation on my own. It must have been hard for my mum to stand by and hear me rave about my dad when she was the one doing all the hard work, but to her credit she never said a thing against him. I tell her now how grateful I am for her and how grateful for how she handled the situation. I needed to come to the realisation about my dad myself and your son will too as he gets older.

Oh your poor Son, you don't want him loving his Dad and you are raising him to be bigoted. I think you need to have a long hard look at yourself.

❤️ All your comments are actually so helpful. Even those harsh ones. Those actually reminded me that I might be doing unconsciously the same thing - buying or creating unhealthy materialistic competition. Not just age appropriate toys but even activities. Step back. Breath and give ourselves some time, because although I love giving to my son everything I have keeping us active I might be setting myself into the “Look what everything I do for you.” blame hole myself. And also that I didn’t heal from the ache of the relationship yet. Something, I can work on now! Those compassionate and full of tips and stories comments on the other hand are reassuring that keeping on doing what I am doing with my son relationship-wise is right, but allowing his excitement, disappointments even resentment is right too because that’s what builds the loving relationship between me and my son in long term, if not denied or criticised. While I must simply let go of the petty little unfairness which will probably come as his dad and his GF will be now around. Love the SAFETY BLANKIE nickname for MUM 🤗😍😁. I’ll take even greater pride in being that from now.

My son is 2 y 10 m, but physically & speech-wise appears to be more like average 4 yo. Even the nursery got him in pre-school room for that reason, because apparently they found him unsuitable for toddlers. So I feel like everyone has bigger expectations from him then he might be ready for emotionally. Will have a look into that.

I am going to kiss and squeeze him now, so won’t be answering to any more comments. But thank you everyone. 🤗

This is bang out of order.