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Original poster

Toddler currently screaming at bedtime

28 replies

RedPandaFluff · 09/05/2022 20:05

DD is 2.5 and was a fantastic sleeper up until a couple of weeks ago. Now she screams at the baby gate at the door. I've been silently taking her back to bed for the last hour. Initially she settles but as soon as I leave the room she becomes hysterical again - screaming that she needs cuddles.

What do I do? Keep up the silently bringing her back to bed? Or let her cry it out? I'm at my wits end. DH is away, I have more work to do, I'm hungry, and I don't see an end in sight

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chickpea95 · 09/05/2022 20:07

I had this with my son. Its so difficult! So I understand your patience is running out. As hard as it is consistency is key! Keep going, putting her back to bed, leavr it a little longer each time. Start with being nice about it, then be a bit firmer, then leaving it a touch longer each time and don't say a word. Keep doing this for approx 4 nights, it will begin to work!

AliceW89 · 09/05/2022 20:08

Does she still nap?

BertieBotts · 09/05/2022 20:09

Sounds like she's not tired. I second the nap question.

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Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 09/05/2022 20:09

She's hysterical tonight. I've never seen her so distraught.

Her naps are hit and miss at the minute - she didn't nap on Saturday, had two hours on Sunday, and one hour at nursery today.

This is hell on Earth. She's screaming herself hoarse.

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Dontax · 09/05/2022 20:12

This does sound extreme. Will she settle if you stay in the room until she falls asleep? In the interest of peace I would try this if possible. You can prep and change back to leaving the room if you'd prefer another time. But for now it sounds like she's having a hard time and needs some extra support.

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 09/05/2022 20:14

She is definitely tired, she was sucking her thumb during her story. But it's like something flips in her mind when I leave the room - she loses it. So I go up and lead her back into bed, she settles, I leave, she loses it, and repeat.

On my bright side, my glutes are getting a workout on the stairs . . .

I KNEW this would happen. Payback for 18 months of peaceful nights!

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Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 09/05/2022 20:15

*on the bright side

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mynameiscalypso · 09/05/2022 20:16

My DS is the same age and similar in terms of naps/bedtimes. I haven't bothered yet tonight because he's just not going to go to sleep without a battle yet. I have no solutions, just a lot of sympathy. DS can't quite climb out of his cot yet and if he's just angrily shouting for me, I tend to firmly tell him to lie down and then just leave the room. He's about a week away from climbing out though and then we'll be in a similar position with a baby gate I think. Bloody nightmare isn't it?

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 09/05/2022 20:17

@Dontax it is totally going against my instincts - everything I've googled says "calmly lead them back to bed no matter how many times it takes" but surely if I cuddle her - which is what she wants - it might settle her?

But then I'm teaching her if she screams and screams, she gets what she wants . . .

This is awful.

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Hugasauras · 09/05/2022 20:23

Honestly I'd just cuddle her and sit with her if she's so upset. This way you are both getting upset and worked up. If she's usually really good then maybe she's going through something, illness, nightmares, a phase, and I don't think there's anything wrong with giving cuddles to a distressed little girl.

Sillystripytail · 09/05/2022 20:27

I'd just cuddle her to sleep. If it becomes a regular thing then address it but it might just be tonight for whatever reason. Though this is coming from a mum who sits with her 3.5 year old til he falls asleep🤷‍♀️🙃

Dontax · 09/05/2022 20:28

You know your kid best so you might be able to tell if it seems like she's going through a leap or processing something or if she really is just trying to see what happens if she cries. Has she been more emotional during the day recently?
I agree you are following the advice I wish I had followed but I now stay in the room with DS until he's asleep and then slip out and bedtime is far less stressful. I do plan on trying to go back to leaving him in the room awake but not there yet. He's 2.5.

Hugasauras · 09/05/2022 20:31

Ha, yes I still cuddle DD3 to sleep but it's my fave part of the day! In bed together with a story and then she snuggles up and drifts off. Doesn't take long and means we pretty much never have any tears at bedtime. I'm all about whatever gets us all the most sleep at any given time!

When she went through a phase of disturbed evenings for some reason, I sometimes would sit beside her in bed on my laptop to get work bits done. It did pass!

tealandteal · 09/05/2022 20:31

Gradual retreat worked for us at that age, or I have seen it called the disappearing chair. Get them settled and then take a step back, wait to settle again if needed, then another. So when you leave the room they are calm. Although bribery also started to work around then.

Rinatinabina · 09/05/2022 20:32

DD is the same, I’m giving her a cuddle for a bit before bed, putting her in her cot and then sitting in the room till she falls asleep. She tries to keep herself awake with talking and rolly polly’s so she gets one warning and then I leave and come back after a minute (she does cry a lot at this point but it’s the only way to stop her doing rolly pollys) but I either stroke her head or just sit next to her but I don’t say anything (DD will take it as a chance to have a conversation).

She seems scared to fall asleep alone so we’ve just accepted it for the moment. I’m quite strict with it tbh because previous to this she was needing to be rocked to sleep and it was taking an hour and our backs are knackered. It still takes an hour but at least I’m not rocking.

Terriblecreature · 09/05/2022 20:32

Personally I would go in and cuddle her. Let her know you are there for her. My DS went through this phase (coming out the other end now) but honestly I can't listen to my child cry hysterically. It literally gives me heart palpatations

AliceW89 · 09/05/2022 20:36

I use my half an hour of sitting next to DS’ bed in the dark as my MN catch up time we night weaned at 9-10 months and it went so well, I didn’t have the heart to not stay with him as he fell asleep as that distressed him far more than night wake ups. 1 and a bit years on I’m still here 😬

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 09/05/2022 20:40

I did two more calmly-leading-back-to-beds (although she certainly wasn't calm, screaming and clinging to me) and then eventually gave in to my instincts and picked her up and cuddled her. She wrapped her arms and legs around me like a limpet. Then I asked her if she was ready to lie down and go to sleep, and she said yes, and she did.

I don't know if she did just need a cuddle, or whether she's now just exhausted herself into sleep. I guess I'll find out tomorrow night.

This is horrendous. I'm knackered. Ans slightly traumatised

Thank you for all the advice, everyone. It's good to know we're not alone!

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Bornsloppy · 09/05/2022 21:14

We had this - did gradual retreat as some one upthread has suggested, it worked really well and haven't had many problems since tbh. That stage when they're dropping the nap is horrendous.

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 09/05/2022 22:02

@Bornsloppy I honestly didn't expect the toddler stage to be this hard - give me a newborn any day of the week

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Gab88766 · 09/05/2022 22:19

I’d just give her a cuddle she might be going through something developmentally / some change in your life and just need some extra love. There’s a reason the crying is hard to listen to, we’re hardwired to react! It probably is teaching her that if she screams for cuddles she gets cuddles but I don’t personally see a problem with that in a 2.5 year old. A cuddle is a legitimate need at that (any) age I think

BertieBotts · 10/05/2022 08:26

I used to sit with mine at that age. I found 15 minutes sitting down preferable to several hours of stressful battles. They won't always need it. Go with what works.

Topjoe19 · 10/05/2022 13:04

Could it be the back molars coming through? My 2.5 year old is just getting theirs, it's rough!

Beamur · 10/05/2022 13:21

Poor lad.
I never really had to deal with DD upset at bed time, but had 2 strategies for dealing with her being unable to settle.
If I thought she just wasn't tired enough, or had woke herself up, I would get her up out of bed entirely for maybe half an hour. Take her downstairs and do something different, but quiet. So maybe read a book or similar.
She also went through a phase of saying she was hungry. So I would give her an oatcake and a cup of water and sit and chat quietly for maybe 20 minutes or so.
Bottom line was she just needed some time with me. This was usually enough then for her to relax, feel safe and be ready for sleep.
Personally I don't think you do ruin a bedtime routine by changing it sometimes. I never wanted bed to be a place of conflict or distress for her and she wasn't a great sleeper. This worked pretty well for us.

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 10/05/2022 22:20

Okay so that was weird. She went down easily tonight. I'd prepared myself for an epic, soul destroying, emotionally draining saga like last night, but bar asking for some water right before I put her into bed, she settled down straight away. So, so weird.

I think it reinforces what most of you were saying about giving comfort - my instincts were telling me to give her the cuddles she was begging for, but all the guidance I'd read said no-fuss silent back-to-beds. If it happens again - which I'm sure it will - I'm just going to go with my gut feelings and do whatever I think is right/will work.

Thanks everyone . . . until the next parenting conundrum . . . !

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