Quitting my job due to stress of 7 year old's behaviour

[haventgotabloodyclue]

Our DD is 7 years old. Wonderful in so many ways and deeply loved. But her behaviour has always been quite challenging to put it mildly. Our home life feels unbearably stressful. Husband and I both work, we're both permanently stressed from work and juggling everything. We've no family help. It feels like DD constantly (literally every single day) tests every boundary, so much more than any of her peers and sibling. We always try to be firm but fair, to communicate boundaries etc. Last week my husband was away with work. One morning my DD refused to go to school (as she often does). Usually I can manage the situation and she will go in. But this time she refused to the point where I had to physically carry her to the car in her pyjamas and take her to school. Her teacher had to extract her from the car and get her dressed there. I was in floods of tears. She was screaming. I was 1.5 hours late for work. My DD is so important to me and I feel like I've been selfish putting my job before her emotional well being. I know she would like more time with me and I do try to spend quality time with her, but inevitably it is hard. At the same time it would be a shame to lose my income and career. She's very happy when she is in school, and the teachers say she is great, it's more as though she'd rather be with us than there as opposed to being bullied or hating school. Has anyone else given up their job because it all just feels so unbearably stressful? Were you happy with the decision you made? Any tips for dealing with this sort of conflict with children? I feel like such a failure. So many of my friends seem to have these amazing careers and their children are so happy and love going to school meanwhile I regularly have to deal with 1 - 2 hours of non stop stress, fighting and defiance before I even start my working day. I am often a total wreck by 9am and the day goes on from there until we have more battles over doing homework and at bedtime, by which stage I am completely and utterly shattered, as is my husband.

Do you by chance have a career you can walk away from for a year or two then find a similar job elsewhere when she is a little older?

This is definitely a phase; she'll get through it and there really isn't much you can do other than spend more time with her and give her reasons to find things like school more enjoyable which will increase her willingness to go without fighting you.
You're definitely not a failure in anyway, if anything maybe you have to be a little more strict? Make her sit in a corner for ten minutes- sit with her if she tries to refuse or something after she acts out just so she knows what happens if she does it again.
Children are great about learning from their mistakes as long as you make it clear to them, all of which you can still do while keeping your job but if it's causing you this much stress it's really up to you what your next steps should be.

Would the situation be much better if you left your job? You wouldn't have the stress of getting to work on time, but it won't lessen your daughter's stress at getting to school.
I would agree with the previous poster about being strict. Sometimes you really need to be.

Thanks so much. I can't take a career break as such but I'd be fairly confident someone would eventually hire me again in the future, if I didn't leave it too long. People have been telling us it's a phase pretty much since she was born. We try to be firm but if I ask her to sit in a corner she will say no and then situation spirals and spirals to the point where I am left with a choice of having to physically force her to sit down or having a big long negotiation or fight. None of which are ideal. She couldn't really care less about losing TV time or play time etc and none of those are impactful consequences for her. Also there's the fact that e.g we have to leave the house by a certain time to go to school and work.

I remember going through a clingy phase at 7, I didn't want to be anywhere but with my mum.

Forgive me for asking but when you're not working are you actually present when you're with her? Or do screens get in the way?

Some of my friends with attention seeking children have found just spending a couple of dedicated hours a week with them and no other distractions - actively listening and engaging has made the world of difference to their behaviour.

It's so easy to be constantly multi tasking and thinking of 5 different things at once, we all do it .

Have you asked for an Ed Psyc assessment? I'd be concerned there are additional factors at play, whether it's autism (would need a pediatric referral for that) or anxiety etc.

What's she like in school and after you collect?

I did do this @haventgotabloodyclue but both my dc have asd and it was pre diagnosis, inadequate support.

The fine in school thing - we were always told that, but it's really not normal to have to drag them in screaming and utterly emotionally draining. I used to get to work feeling done in and like I'd lost a boxing match, then worried sick.

I'd ask for a leave of absence and really get into the issues with DD before I quit.

Don’t do it OP, you could end up more stressed, not less.

There are two main ways to avoid conflict we find:

1. set really clear expectations and firm routine
2. let them have some control over the routine and input into the expectations.

And if you get into a conflict, deflate it, get them to do a calming activity, give up on the conflict. It's just traumatic for both of you.

Personally reckon you've got a school problem and the issue may be trying to find a part time opportunity and put more things in place at school to make her tolerate it better.

Giving up altogether is really hard if you
Go from ft to nothing and kids are school age, you go from loving it for a month to feeling invisible with a long line of chores to look forward to.

That said, I did quit for 1.5 years whilst I sorted things out and was really lucky to get back into it when things had settled.

But quitting of itself wouldn't have solved the issue.

I was going to ask about Ed psyc/other assessments as well. My DD struggles with transitions and we had a nightmare getting her to nursery (not so much with school as its not as changeable as nursery was) and the transition home can also be very trying. She is now on the ASD pathway. She masks very very well and is extremely bright with a well developed vocabulary but it's starting to become noticeable, at a similar age to your DD, that she isn't quite the same as her peers and compared to where she is academically she is quite delayed socially.

I think you need to avoid making unnecessary demands of her - why make her sit in the corner? I'm assuming you mean for time out (but might be wrong) and this is why I never did time out because it can too easily become a battle of wills and with my stubborn child (actually ASD but didn't know at the time) it would have been hell. Punishing with taking stuff away never worked either.

At this age what i did was give £2 pocket money and take 20p away for bad behaviour after I had given a warning. For example, please don't be rude to me, if you are rude again you will lose 20p of your pocket money. If they were rude again then 20p was lost and it was as simple as that. However it is important to take the 20p off next weeks pocket money - never take it from what has already been given. And like any punishment it needs to be used sparingly. If they're getting to the point where they're losing all their pocket money every week then it's not working and you need to look at something else.

Just a thought but is it possible she has ASD and is really struggling with the transition? I would start looking at ways of making going to school easier. Is she is struggling with separating from you then think of what people do with younger children and see if that could work for you - tell her what you'll be doing all day (boring things) and what you will do with her when you see her (try to plan for a story or game or a little something you can do together so she has something to look forward to). Perhaps give her a tissue with your perfume on to smell during the day. Could she go into school a little earlier or a little later if she finds that overwhelming.

I would only do homework (apart from reading) at the weekend - tell the teacher she is overwhelmed by it and this is your plan if that helps. Read every day with her though, if she doesn't like doing it make it fun, take it in turns to read a page, read the book first and then get her to read it, put on funny and silly voices, talk about it and make it a fun thing you do together. Get her to read to you and then let her have a snack while you read to her. Even if you only have 10 minutes a day to spend with her, 5 minutes of her reading and 5 minutes of you reading.

You know she wants your time so use that to your advantage - if we do your reading now for five minutes then I will read to you for afterwards. At the weekend - lets get your homework done together (ie you sit with her and encourage her) and then we can have a game together.

I think it's really hard to work full time and still have the energy that parenting requires. Hats off to those that do - I don't. I can't tell you whether it's good to give up your job or not, but it sounds like she's desperate for your attention so I think it's got to be worth considering.

Just to add the social delay causes a lot of anxiety because she really doesn't understand her friendship group properly at school and therefore we sometimes have issues with getting her out the house in the morning.

Op has anyone suggested autism or pathological demand avoidance syndrome? I have a child with pda and conventional ways of parenting - setting boundaries, being firm, setting expectatIons, time-out, sticker charts cause anxiety and worse behaviour.

Op , sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Have you ever heard of PDA? It’s when a child can have meltdowns over demands or pressure to do something. There’s a lot more to it obviously but worth having a look up. Is it only in relation to school or other areas? I understand the level of stress that behavioural problems can cause and the living on edge all the time , huge sympathy. It might be that you have to phrase things differently, talk around the demand or try different techniques. I also don’t think giving up your job would necessarily solve the issues itself.
I am sure others will have better advice. I have 3 dcs and I know what it’s like to have to deal with above than normal challenging behaviour, you aren’t imagining it and I’ve been told for years this is a phase when dealing with one of ours who’s behaviour has been extremely challenging. We have no family support and of course I love my dcs to the ends of earth but when you have more than one you can clearly see that some kids are far, far more difficult than others and it’s nothing to do with how they are raised.

I have been there, op. My ds, now 17, was exactly like this for years and years. Unbelievably stressful and draining. Nothing seems to work. Nothing.

And people told me, like you, it was just a phase. Can a phase last 15 years?

I don't think stopping work is the answer to improving your dd's behaviour. Unless you simply feel stopping would benefit you, give you space and a rest from the sheer stress of the mornings.

I would seek help. Be persistent with your GP - ours was dismissive but I didn't let it lie. We saw CAMHS counsellor eventually. I can't say it helped but it is so important that you are heard.

Having a child who is defiant and uncooperative over every single thing and who then is distressed to the point of hyperventilating is awful for everyone, not least the child. I'm not surprised you are driven to the point of despair.

Do you feel like you both working full time has led to this behaviour? I mean that she doesn’t feel nurtured? And if so do you think this could help reverse things?

Or is it that her behaviour is so bad you need to go off work to manage it?

If it’s the former maybe it would be a good idea, that’s why SAHM or very part time Mums usually do it and the reason why two parent working families often are bad for kids and stressful for everyone. If it’s the latter and she doesn’t change maybe see what a behaviour specialist says?

For whatever reason this behaviour manifests in girls sometimes and isn’t always just a phase. I think many like this as kids become difficult teenagers. Many are often diagnosed with some personality disorder in adulthood.

It sounds like she may be masking in school, having that much trouble in the morning is definitely not normal or a phase. There are a couple of organisations I’m aware of that advise on this sort of thing. Both have fb pages and webpages, look up “not fine in school” and “define fine”.

also google the “coke bottle effect” for explanation how why kids offen appear to be ok at school then explode at home

So wrong as a society we expect all children to skip merrily off to school, and God help them if they don' t.
School avoidance can be linked to panic , a panic disorder can and does affect young children, not just adults, avoidance is one of the symptons.
I would take a look at Not Fine At School website.
Force only ever works temporarily and to the detriment of your relationship with your daughtet. So easy for parents who have never been in this situation to trot that one out and reason why so many teens faced with school anxiety disorder contemplate suicide.

Have you considered reducing your hours? Maybe and early on a Wednesday and find a dedicated activity for just you and her, even if it just coffee shop / library for you and her? Sorry I have no real lived advice. All the best

Sounds like ds before he got his asd diagnosis.

I wouldn't quit, I think you'd regret it. I didn't go back after my last mat leave (dd is 3.5 now) - did some completely unrelated self employed work, which really didn't work for me. Anyway, all my referees have now moved on and it's impossible to get a reference. I was so good at my job with a lot of experience - applied for an admin job in a school recently and didn't get it, which was soul destroying. They raised that they hadn't been able to get a reference for me.

Re your daughter. What time do you start your day? I would do bed by 7 and up by 6.30. I would support her through every step of the process and get her to help with things like breakfast and packing lunch. I would also do a reward chart (with pictures) for her successes - don't dwell on the negatives. Reward to be an activity of her choice at the weekend. No TV in the mornings until she's fully ready for school and then maybe you can sit and read a book together. I appreciate this may mean you need to get up at the crack of dawn to get you ready. Do as much as you can the night before. Have you had a seperate chat (not in the mornings, maybe at the weekend) with her about how you would like to help he be a bit happier in the mornings? Is it just the mornings? These things can take time but you have serious mum guilt and you have to try to keep that in context.

I might be unjustified here but I’m guessing if op is having so much trouble with her child that is is considering quitting her job then she has probably tried all the traditional approaches already and they haven’t worked. I know you are only trying to be helpful but when we were having major issues with my Ds (who was later on diagnosed with asd) the “have you tried a reward chart” comments and “you just have to percivere” comments were really frustrating, almost as though people thought they were giving us some genius idea that we’d never thought of or tried before.

Can your DH step up at all and help? It sounds like this is all on you.
My youngest will get into battles of will over the smallest things. She is much worse when both parents are present but one is ignoring the situation. The minute the second parent backs up the first in a combined show of unity DC generally gives up fighting whatever we are trying to get her to do.
Also with work you don't have to give up a career to reduce workload. Could you and husband both drop to 4 days a week or shorter hours for a year or two to make a bit of extra space for family?

I hear you, my 9yo is asd and HATES school, I've another younger child who although is much easier to parent, it still feels like a days work getting them up and out the door before my days work has started.

I've decided to go part time, term time. I know I'm lucky to have this opportunity but I feel work keeps me sane, I like my income, my independence and the identity that works gives me.

My eldest has very challenging behaviour and some days I ask myself is it worth the stress of working. It is, as she needs to go to school, I need to keep my sanity!

Is there any way you could reduce your hours or go part time in your role?

Is there a breakfast club at school? Would that take the pressure off for getting to school at a set time and perhaps make the transition a bit easier (depending on the setup?). I'm not sure whether quitting your job would help her going to school but could you request parental leave /sabatical and give it a try for a few weeks/months without giving up your career? Or could you apply for flexible working and drop your hours? Have you seen the GP/CAHMS? Does your work offer any private healthcare support for dependents that you could access. This sounds really tricky and I hope you and your DD get the support you need.