Quitting my job due to stress of 7 year old's behaviour

[haventgotabloodyclue]

Our DD is 7 years old. Wonderful in so many ways and deeply loved. But her behaviour has always been quite challenging to put it mildly. Our home life feels unbearably stressful. Husband and I both work, we're both permanently stressed from work and juggling everything. We've no family help. It feels like DD constantly (literally every single day) tests every boundary, so much more than any of her peers and sibling. We always try to be firm but fair, to communicate boundaries etc. Last week my husband was away with work. One morning my DD refused to go to school (as she often does). Usually I can manage the situation and she will go in. But this time she refused to the point where I had to physically carry her to the car in her pyjamas and take her to school. Her teacher had to extract her from the car and get her dressed there. I was in floods of tears. She was screaming. I was 1.5 hours late for work. My DD is so important to me and I feel like I've been selfish putting my job before her emotional well being. I know she would like more time with me and I do try to spend quality time with her, but inevitably it is hard. At the same time it would be a shame to lose my income and career. She's very happy when she is in school, and the teachers say she is great, it's more as though she'd rather be with us than there as opposed to being bullied or hating school. Has anyone else given up their job because it all just feels so unbearably stressful? Were you happy with the decision you made? Any tips for dealing with this sort of conflict with children? I feel like such a failure. So many of my friends seem to have these amazing careers and their children are so happy and love going to school meanwhile I regularly have to deal with 1 - 2 hours of non stop stress, fighting and defiance before I even start my working day. I am often a total wreck by 9am and the day goes on from there until we have more battles over doing homework and at bedtime, by which stage I am completely and utterly shattered, as is my husband.

I personally think you are doing the right thing taking a career break. Children mirror our emotions and behaviour, if you are stressed in the morning she will pick up on that and reflect it back to you. It sounds like you are stressed before you even leave the house. I grew up with a stressed out mum who worked 60+ hour weeks…we don’t speak anymore. They are only little once, and in the grand scheme of things a few years nurturing is nothing, but will have a positive life long impact. Good luck with whatever you decide x

I am not convinced by ‘it’s a phase’ either, my 10yo has been in a phase her whole life. I think I would look at reduced hours as a start though, with my DC although some things do make things better morning solves everything, & quitting work for a partial solution seems radical as a first step.

MaverickSnoopy off topic but if it helps, I got back into work with 2 references from friends I had volunteered with - PTA & a community project.

I would also agree that you should try to see if there are any underlying neurodiverse conditions. Girls on the spectrum often mask it really well. They also tend to hold everything in at school and let it out at home. If this was the case then it would be very unfair for anyone to expect her to behave like a NT child.

The thing that makes me think this is the school refusal. In my family, there is a lot of autism and school refusal is a classic sign tbh.

I would try to rule stuff like this out, first.

Lots of people are saying it’s ‘just a phase’ and while it may be just a phase, it may be just the way your child is. Perhaps a resolution would be in assessment / diagnosis and subsequent coping strategies from a professional.
I’d stay in the job if I was you.
The problem is , If your child is ‘masking’ at school , and all hell breaks loose at home, then by taking time off work and being at home you’re lining yourself up for worse .

As above, my son was exactly the same and we even did the pyjamas thing! He's autistic with a demand avoidant profile. We had to make some changes. I left my career and got a less stressful job, my son moved from prep to state school. We have very few rules in the house now. This way he manages to get to school and do essential things eg wash, clean teeth, come on non stressful days out (of his choice). It's not how I thought it would be. But we all needed peace.

I'm in possession of a highly emotional 7 yo who seems really more work than some of his peers. We're starting to explore neurodiversity. I used to think I was a half decent parent but at this age all the little kid strategies are falling away. I really don't think you should quit your job, since you need something for yourself.

My worry for you is if you quit your job it doesn't necessarily mean her behaviour will improve and you will end in a bad place yourself. Work is your outlet at the moment away from what is happening at home? Have you considered working less hours? What about getting some help you sound like your doing everything you can already. You can call your local social services and they have lower down levels who can support families with needs like yours.

@Morph22010 not unjustified no, but I definitely didn't think I was giving a genius idea. The OP didn't mention what she had tried so I was simply trying to be helpful in case there was something she hadn't tried. Believe it or not I had a friend in a similar situation and I mentioned the above and it worked for them. She'd never heard of a reward chart so it was really helpful to her.

I think if my child was this unhappy I would want to be there more, I understand it is a really hard decision but if you can afford it then it seems sensible to make your life easier and hopefully find out what is at the bottom of this issue.

All behaviour is communciation as the saying goes.

What are school advising you about how things are, about what support might help? Have you sought much help?

I would seek to go part time - how would your work respond to a flexible working request do you think? That way you wouldn't need to quit and it could be temporary (don't say that to your DD) in order to see if it helps.

Your DD sounds very sad

My friend has a DD like this she is 8 years old. She had to physically pick DD up to take her to school as she was working too. She left work but I believe she always blamed dd for not progressing in her career. She did get counselling and therapy as all these issues were aggravated after separating from from dh. She confided in me that she regrets having her and would love to give give her up (like her dad did) as she has ruined her life and even considered smacking her dd. I think things started to change when she started being more of a friend to dd instead of parent eg playing with, asking her opinions, honouring her decisions etc.
I wouldn’t leave my job completely but maybe reduce hours if possible, and more 1-1 time with dd.

@haventgotabloodyclue look up Pathological Demand Avoidance.

Does it ring any bells for you?

Good luck OP. I’ve been in your shoes carrying the child in screaming it was beyond awful … exhausting. Husband wasn’t sharing the load either!

Tbh I wouldn’t pin a lot of hope on getting any decent help from social services. Their threshold is high so you may not even get any help. I do know of people who’ve had ‘help’ in very similar circumstances, social services will come out, show you what to do, of course they will get the child to school with no issue as thats classic masking behaviour, then when you can’t consistently do the same it’s put down to you doing something wrong. We didn’t have help in circumstances like yours but my own experience of ss was that they had pretty much zero clue about Sen. You do hear some good stories mixed in so maybe some are ok but like I said don’t pin your hopes on that as a solution

OP, it is so stressful, I get that. My DS has barely been to school for two years. He is autistic. I’m not saying your DD is of course, but it’s definitely worth looking into. Or PDA as mentioned above.

Being that upset going into school isn’t normal. She likely isn’t fine in school, but masking.

I did quit my job recently, although that was more due to the stress of the job. At the moment I’m doing odd bits of work, but it is financially stressful. I’m looking for fully remote work with flexible hours. Although my son is 14, I still need to be there for him. The amount of meetings we have, emails, phone calls, form-filling... It’s a full-time job in itself.

I’d look into some assessments first before you quit. If you can afford to, then I wouldn’t worry too much about leaving your job seeing as you think you’d be able to get back into it.

Have a look at the FB page a pp mentioned - Not Fine in School.

Has anyone mentioned unpaid parental leave? You are entitled to a certain number of weeks. My friend did it last summer when her teens needed more of her but she didn’t want to quit her job. Her work were fine with it didn’t cost them anything and was over a quieter period.

Do some reading of asd / pda in girls and masking - look at the environmental and managing techniques they recommend and apply them in your home. As others have said they are often counterintuitive and “normal” parenting are counterproductive.

See if it takes the pressure off for a few weeks rather than waiting for a long time for any diagnosis which will likely only result in you being advised to apply these techniques and parent in another way.

I have been in this situation. The stress from the child feeds into everyone else in the family and then back in the child in a vicious cycle. There is another way to work with this.

I don’t know if you are shocked that others are suggesting ND - I know I was and rejected and denied it at this stage.

I do find it hard to comprehend how someone who had got to the op’s point could possibly never have heard of a reward chart. Did your friend never use the internet at all? it’s one of the most common suggestions thst comes up if you Google for advice do guessing they can’t of.

stephstwogirls.medium.com/strategies-for-pda-pathological-demand-avoidance-c39c12efb6b

yes agree with this. Even if your child ends up not being ND then ND techniques don’t do any harm to NT children whereas it’s not the case the other way round

Sounds exactly like my dd9 who has ASD. Life is incredibly hard but working keeps me sane and awful as it sounds I sometimes would rather be at work than at home. She hates school so every morning is a battle and the senco tells me she's fine in school, mm really??!

I'm really struggling with bedtimes too, she point blank refuses to go and the meltdowns are off the scale. If I don't get a good night sleep I get migraines which can wipe me out for days so this is getting to be a real issue. Has anyone for any tips on managing this ?? Tbh she sounds like she has a pda profile too although this was never diagnosed.

@lollipoprainbow have you got a weighted blanket? They don't help everyone but one of mine really responds to it. The answer is always getting more put in place at school but I know that's virtually impossible for girls who mask.

Sometimes, the best you can do is a few duvet days for yourself and your dd, to help relieve the pressure and the confrontation.

I find lavender baths help them a little bit too, and yoga and other calming activities post school.
it's utterly draining - I've got two, one doesn't sleep til late and gets disregulated easily but has fewer meltdowns and the other one is so on edge most of the time it's like tight rope walking.

You need to get a family therapist and ask them for advice on how to respond to her behaviour.
Don't feel bad as her behaviour is extreme so its not as if you naturally have the skills on how to deal with it. You'll just need to learn these. It sounds like she has demand avoidance - it helps if you give her choices ie do you want to put your uniform on before breakfast or after breakfast.
At some point please google inattentive ADHD as its often associated with girls and often not diagnosed until they are adults.

Ooh and re bedtimes - honestly I surrendered, my dd was massively anxious so I bought a double bed, and I stay with her til she drops off which takes ages. She listens to moshi, she draws if she won't get into bed as this helps calm her and I don't confront her about bed or suggest bedtime, we have a routine that works towards it, and gets her calm (hopefully), and melatonin, if it's really extreme (mine was sleeping 5 hours a night) definitely give that a try, life changing.

So relaxing tv, relaxing yoga, no screens like iPads, draw, read. Melatonin.

Don’t do it OP, you could end up more stressed, not less.

I agree. I think if you quit your job she will still be exactly the same child, but you will be more consumed by it. And she will have even more reason not to go to school, and more scope to successfully break reasonable boundaries.

Some children just are more challenging, and sometimes they will just push every boundary all the time. But it passes if you hold those boundaries, one of which is that she goes to school and you go to work. This is a perfectly normal expectation and I would not be giving up on it in the absence of a diagnosed additional need on her part.

I do agree, but sometimes you yourself just need respite to sort through things but a leave is the way to do that.

For my dc, abandoning any care not by parents outside of school hours was part of the solution.

I suspect we've throughly scared off op now though...hope you're ok op!