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Parenting

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Is my step son a bully?

56 replies

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 09:47

My DS gets bullied at school and feels like he has no friends. There has been physical attacks, and ongoing daily targeted name calling, pushing, pulling, tripping etc... We've engaged with the school about the bullying, they've tried to help, but not been successful. To the point where DS doesn't want to report it any more as it makes it worse.
Step son is in the same year group, and is friends with those who do the bullying. I don't believe he is part of the physical bullying, but the verbal stuff he is definitely part of. Mostly only joining in the laughing at DS, but also mocking him directly sometimes too.

They used to be friends, but very rarely talk to each other, even at home anymore.

If he was my biological child, i would 100% be saying cut it out, do not stand by and watch and laugh. Be supportive. Ask if he's ok, tell others to stop. Tell teachers. Tell us. Do something. Be a kind person.
He doesn't currently do any of this. When we've spoken to him, he says its just all banter that's taken the wrong way. He also says it's probably because DS does and says things are strange (in my opinion in an attempt to fit in) and that why it happens, and it would be better if he didn't do or say certain things. Comes across like he considers DS to not be one of the cool kids, and that's why they aren't friends, and that's why he gets bullied and has no friends.

In my step sons own words, he (himself), is very popular, friends with everyone, and no one bullies him because they are scared of him - although not because of physical stuff, just because he's very confident.

I feel like a slight change in step son could make a huge difference to DS at school. Be friends with him. Stick up for him a bit. Be supportive. I think his influence would really go a long way for DS at school. I don't want to burden step son with anything he shouldn't have to do or set unreasonable demands on him. I wouldn't expect him to be glued to each others side, just be supportive in some way.

What do you think? What should i do?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 06/05/2022 09:53

How old are they?

But actually take away the fact that your step son is in the same class to begin with - the school are not handling this probably at all.

With your Step son - others are scared of him so its ok that no one bullies him yet he bullies others. Again I think an age for this is needed

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 06/05/2022 09:54

Your dss has the power to 5 change ds's life by being a nice human being towards him. He is choosing not to..
Little shit..
Your dh needs strong words..

tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 09:55

If he was my biological child, i would 100% be saying cut it out, do not stand by and watch and laugh. Be supportive. Ask if he's ok, tell others to stop. Tell teachers. Tell us. Do something. Be a kind person.

why the heck is biology stopping you from doing this?!

tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 09:58

You make no mention at all re what you are going to address physical AND verbal bullying

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2022 10:00

Where’s your DSS’s parent in this? Aren’t they upset at what your son/their DSS is going through?

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 10:19

Age - 13

The biological bit, I don't feel like i'm able/allowed to have that discussion with him. My biological children, obviously no problem, but because i'm only the step parent..that's the way our relationship seems to be, i'm not allowed to get involved with the parenting of step children. We both have 2 each, so 4 in total.

What am i going to do? I have had a weekly meetings with the head of year for the past 2 months to find out exactly what is happening. Why it's being allowed to happen? What steps the school are going to take to stop the bullying? Have taken my DS to counselling. Taken him to boxing classes as he said he wants to be able to defend himself. Put him on the waiting list for another school in preparedness for if this doesn't stop or get worse. Tried to build my DS's self esteem and self confidence. Tried to facilitate him making new friends.

The school have disciplined some of the children, where there witnesses, if there were no witnesses they say they can't do much. They've asked all teachers to keep an eye out. And have given DS a book to keep a log of what happens and when. Which he refuses to fill in, as when things have been reported in the past, it only makes things worse .

I have no crystal ball so i don't know exactly what goes on in school. DS has named others who do, and have done very specific physical things. None of which are dear step son, but DS does say he is part of it, joins in with the laughing and taking the mickey.

Step son says that if anyone calls him names, he's confident enough to give as good as he gets which stops it happening again. Same with any physical stuff.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 10:29

The biological bit, I don't feel like i'm able/allowed to have that discussion with him

bugger biology OP. Your child is being very seriously bullied.

Iwonder08 · 06/05/2022 10:30

This is crazy. What your DH says when you tell him his son is actively participating in bullying your son?! If he doesn't do anything about it then you should. 13yo is old enough. I would tell the little shit in no uncertain terms that hr is a bully and verbal abuse is a from of bullying. I wouldn't expect him to be friends with your DS but you shouldn't tolerate him being a part of the bullying!
Can you imagine how it feels for your child that not only he is tortured at school but his bully is also a family member. Just because he doesn't participate in physical part it doesn't make it excusable. Do something!

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 10:36

This may seem a bit OTT but i feel like I'm questioning if staying in this relationship is right or wrong for my DS's sake.

I don't know how to explain what or how i feel.

I'm forcing my DS to live with someone who is adding to making his life a misery. Not the cause, but definitely adding to. And has the biggest opportunity to help stop it. And isn't.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 06/05/2022 10:40

What is your partner doing.

Because your SS isnt coming across well here at 13 and needs I think some proper guidance as to how to handle it. If you arent allowed to get involved in parenting - that is a huge issue. Your SS is at a cross roads as well to either becoming a bully or someone who stands up for it - at the moment he seems to be on the wrong path

Can you move schools with your DS though because this is an awful environment for him to be in

tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 10:43

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 10:36

This may seem a bit OTT but i feel like I'm questioning if staying in this relationship is right or wrong for my DS's sake.

I don't know how to explain what or how i feel.

I'm forcing my DS to live with someone who is adding to making his life a misery. Not the cause, but definitely adding to. And has the biggest opportunity to help stop it. And isn't.

OTT? Quite the opposite

purpleboy · 06/05/2022 10:43

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 10:36

This may seem a bit OTT but i feel like I'm questioning if staying in this relationship is right or wrong for my DS's sake.

I don't know how to explain what or how i feel.

I'm forcing my DS to live with someone who is adding to making his life a misery. Not the cause, but definitely adding to. And has the biggest opportunity to help stop it. And isn't.

It's not OTT at all, you have to put your son first, I can't imagine how hard it is to have to live with someone who bullies you, you son must be in complete turmoil all of the time, he has no safe space.
You haven't mentioned your DH in all of this what os his response and reaction?

tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 10:44

Honestly op
you recognise that your living arrangement is causing your ds deep unhappiness
your partner is also failing you and your ds

personally I’d be out of there asap

hellcatspanglelalala · 06/05/2022 10:44

I can't imagine how awful it must be for your DS to have to live with one of his school bullies.

Despite your DSS not getting involved with the physical side of it, if he's a popular as he says he is, the others are probably doing it to impress him!

Unless your DH is willing to come down hard on his son and put a stop to this, I too would be walking away from the relationship.

Ferngreen · 06/05/2022 10:49

Imagine it wasn't a step child and your DC was in a gang of others bullying another DC. You would definitely act.

Beachsidesunset · 06/05/2022 10:51

Your poor, poor son. No escape. You are his primary advocate OP, get it sorted.

PeekAtYou · 06/05/2022 10:52

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 10:36

This may seem a bit OTT but i feel like I'm questioning if staying in this relationship is right or wrong for my DS's sake.

I don't know how to explain what or how i feel.

I'm forcing my DS to live with someone who is adding to making his life a misery. Not the cause, but definitely adding to. And has the biggest opportunity to help stop it. And isn't.

It's not OTT at all. Your son is forced to live with someone who makes his life miserable and there's plenty that your h could do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2022 10:54

Another saying not OTT. Your son only has you to stick up for him. I can only imagine the agony of being tormented at school all day and coming home to one of the victim blaming arseholes who’s doing it. Just appalling.

I’d split up, move out (or ask DP and nasty kid to do so depending on housing set up) and move DS’s school.

No one else is going to prioritise your child so you have to.

Fearnecuptea · 06/05/2022 10:57

Why tf is your husband not getting involved? I would 100% be looking to separate in those circumstances. That's unbelievable, how is it possible to not be pulling the ss up on this??

By doing nothing, your husband is fully perpetuating this and your ss obvs is following in these footsteps of turning a blind eye / passively letting or encouraging this shit to continue. Stand by and do nothing springs to mind here.

Your poor son. Also I feel real compassion for you as must be bloody shit having this go on.
You need to really stand your ground here.

Catrice · 06/05/2022 10:58

purpleboy · 06/05/2022 10:43

It's not OTT at all, you have to put your son first, I can't imagine how hard it is to have to live with someone who bullies you, you son must be in complete turmoil all of the time, he has no safe space.
You haven't mentioned your DH in all of this what os his response and reaction?

Totally agree with this.

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 10:59

I noticed they boys weren't really talking to each other as much at home anymore about 6 months ago, and have mentioned it to my DW (I'm DH btw). She didn't think it was a big deal but i could see something had changed. But my DW didn't agree.

I'm not allowed to parent step son. I set boundaries for my children, help them understand what's right and wrong, help them understand responsibilities. I'm not allowed to do this with step son. I did once and was told that i had overstepped my role, and i should leave that to my DW. Anyway, that's how we operate as a family, right or wrong. And up till now it's mostly worked fine.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/05/2022 11:05

It’s wrong when one child is suffering and their step parent doesn’t give a shit while their step sibling actively bullies them.

What are you going to do? This is a deal breaker. Does your son live with you full time?

RedRec · 06/05/2022 11:07

Your stepson is a little shit and I wouldn't be able to live with him. Your poor son.

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 11:11

I don't know what to do.

Leaving the relationship is obviously a very big decision to make. Also, for my sons sake, i'm guessing that may potentially make it worse at school. So is moving schools the only real option?

His mum and i have spoken to him about maybe moving school, and he wasn't keen on that either, as not knowing anyone is very daunting.

How do you stop bullies?

OP posts:
Bunty55 · 06/05/2022 11:13

So you all live together, and the boys go to school together, and your wife knows your son is being bullied and knows her son is a part of it and will not step in and stop this from happening and you are not allowed to say a thing ?
WOW.
Why are you still there ? Why are you allowing this to carry on ?