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Parenting

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Original poster

Is my step son a bully?

56 replies

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 09:47

My DS gets bullied at school and feels like he has no friends. There has been physical attacks, and ongoing daily targeted name calling, pushing, pulling, tripping etc... We've engaged with the school about the bullying, they've tried to help, but not been successful. To the point where DS doesn't want to report it any more as it makes it worse.
Step son is in the same year group, and is friends with those who do the bullying. I don't believe he is part of the physical bullying, but the verbal stuff he is definitely part of. Mostly only joining in the laughing at DS, but also mocking him directly sometimes too.

They used to be friends, but very rarely talk to each other, even at home anymore.

If he was my biological child, i would 100% be saying cut it out, do not stand by and watch and laugh. Be supportive. Ask if he's ok, tell others to stop. Tell teachers. Tell us. Do something. Be a kind person.
He doesn't currently do any of this. When we've spoken to him, he says its just all banter that's taken the wrong way. He also says it's probably because DS does and says things are strange (in my opinion in an attempt to fit in) and that why it happens, and it would be better if he didn't do or say certain things. Comes across like he considers DS to not be one of the cool kids, and that's why they aren't friends, and that's why he gets bullied and has no friends.

In my step sons own words, he (himself), is very popular, friends with everyone, and no one bullies him because they are scared of him - although not because of physical stuff, just because he's very confident.

I feel like a slight change in step son could make a huge difference to DS at school. Be friends with him. Stick up for him a bit. Be supportive. I think his influence would really go a long way for DS at school. I don't want to burden step son with anything he shouldn't have to do or set unreasonable demands on him. I wouldn't expect him to be glued to each others side, just be supportive in some way.

What do you think? What should i do?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 06/05/2022 11:16

Have you spoken to your wife about all of this and asked her to speak to her son - actually sat down and said how this is affecting him, you your relationship and potentially her son by her failure to handle it.

I think that could give you all the answers you need

Stodge · 06/05/2022 11:20

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 10:36

This may seem a bit OTT but i feel like I'm questioning if staying in this relationship is right or wrong for my DS's sake.

I don't know how to explain what or how i feel.

I'm forcing my DS to live with someone who is adding to making his life a misery. Not the cause, but definitely adding to. And has the biggest opportunity to help stop it. And isn't.

It's not OTT at all

I would be leaving the relationship

Your poor son gets bullied at school and then lives with one of the gang of bullies for part of the time

Home needs to be his safe space and it currently isn't

PeekAtYou · 06/05/2022 11:24

Doesn't it affect your feelings for your wife that she won't intervene?

Asking your ss to get adults involved is social suicide for him and unrealistic but your wife can help matters but clearly doesn't want to.

I would switch schools and have your son start afresh. Splitting up and staying at the school could lead to things escalating as you won't be living with SS.

Clymene · 06/05/2022 11:29

Oh god I would leave. Your son is living in the same house as his bully.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to change schools either. What would be the point of that if he has to come home to the bully?

You are risking your relationship with him for the one with your wife.

Stodge · 06/05/2022 11:33

I'm absolutely sure that if I was in your position my feelings for my wife would change

I could not stay in a relationship with someone who refused to help my deeply unhappy child

Does your son realise his step mother isn't helping him or are you managing to keep if from him?

AndSoFinally · 06/05/2022 11:36

Have you even discussed this with DW? I can't imagine I would ignore it if my DS was bullying my DSS?

lorisparkle · 06/05/2022 11:37

I am afraid to say that if my DH was not doing all he could to support my DS I would have to leave him,

My DS has been on the end of terrible bullying to the point he has talked about suicide, has been too anxious to attend school, too anxious to leave the house, and has dropped his predicted results by two grades. I would never allow him to live in the same house as one of the bullies.

axolotlfloof · 06/05/2022 11:47

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask DSS to help your child.
Obviously it needs to come from his Mum too.
At 13 he is probably worried about the bullies turning on him (even if that's not what he is saying).
I think you need to talk to your DW about asking DSS to be more of an ally, but as they are the same age if he doesn't want to, that should be his choice.

DomPom47 · 06/05/2022 11:49

Tell the head of year to do some social engineering and see if there are any clubs that your son can join and whether teachers can sit him next to a friendly student and this may help him form friendship groups.
your step son doesn’t come across well in all this - bystanders give power to bullies - it is not banter. He needs to walk away when his ‘friends’ are making another human being feel less of themselves. Good luck.

Original poster

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 12:01

Yes my DW and I have discussed it.

My DS has pleaded with me to not cause any trouble with DSS as, in his words "he'll deny it and then it'll make it worse"

Where do i go with that?

So if DW and I talk to DSS about it, and he denys it, then what? DW believes him. DSS is annoyed that he's been accused. How does that help DS?

OP posts:

Stodge · 06/05/2022 12:05

You have to help him

Leave the relationship and then, if necessary, find another school

His life is miserable now both at home and at school

You have no idea the damage this is potentially doing to him

You really really need to put him first

Bunty55 · 06/05/2022 12:06

How can she possibly believe him when she knows it is happening?

Quartz2208 · 06/05/2022 12:06

Stodge · 06/05/2022 12:05

You have to help him

Leave the relationship and then, if necessary, find another school

His life is miserable now both at home and at school

You have no idea the damage this is potentially doing to him

You really really need to put him first

This

I think your DSS is far more involved that either of the boys are saying

Stodge · 06/05/2022 12:07

"So if DW and I talk to DSS about it, and he denys it, then what? DW believes him. DSS is annoyed that he's been accused. How does that help DS?"

It doesn't. This why you have to leave this relationship. Put your boy's happiness first.

Catrice · 06/05/2022 12:09

If I was in your position I would 100% leave the relationship. I could not bear to see my ds being bullied like that and living with one of the bullies. If dw won't do anything to stop this then please put your son first and leave.

purpleboy · 06/05/2022 12:51

ClassicRed · 06/05/2022 12:01

Yes my DW and I have discussed it.

My DS has pleaded with me to not cause any trouble with DSS as, in his words "he'll deny it and then it'll make it worse"

Where do i go with that?

So if DW and I talk to DSS about it, and he denys it, then what? DW believes him. DSS is annoyed that he's been accused. How does that help DS?

It might not help your son, it might make things worse. But the answer is not to ignore it. If DW is not on the same page as you then I don't see you have any option but to split, mainly for the sake of your son who is not being put first in any of this, but also how can you as a parent who obviously loves his son, be attracted and care for a women that couldn't give a crap about your DS?
I think if you don't change this situation quickly your son will look back on this and resent you for putting your relationship ahead of his well-being.

Notanotherwindow · 06/05/2022 13:02

Ffs! Your poor son is LIVING with his school bully and his mother won't protect him because it isn't her right? Of course its your right! He's bullying YOUR son under YOUR roof! You've every right to tell him to get to fuck! If he's so confident, why isn't he sticking up for his step brother?

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that it stops. Today. And he will be held accountable for his friends actions too. He'd be told his behaviour is disgusting and I am absolutely ashamed to be associated with him or any of the other vile children he calls his friends.

Punishment would be harsh too. Got a games console? Sell it. Phone? Not anymore. Social life? Grounded.

Bullying is one thing I simply can't abide and it's the one thing which would get a ton of bricks response. I tried to kill myself at 14 due to being bullied and no one helping me. At their age they know better and no longer have the excuse of being too young to understand the impact.

DizzySquirrel90 · 06/05/2022 13:08

DW is no good for you if your sons well-being doesn't matter to her. She seems to think the sun shines out her DS arse and unfortunately that is a huge problem now-a-days.

Bunty55 · 06/05/2022 13:09

Notanotherwindow

I am sorry this happened to you and can see why you posted. This whole thread has disturbed me so much because I can see a 13 year old boy who should be enjoying life and having fun with friends at school and out of school having no life at all, and the very people who could be helping to make this all go away are doing nothing, standing by and watching his discomfort.
I hope the OP realises what he is doing by standing by and allowing it to continue is all

MakingNBaking · 06/05/2022 13:11

I too would 100% leave the relationship, and if you think it will make things more difficult for your ds then change his school. Have a whole new life where you can have a future with a woman with a little empathy, morals and ethics.
At the moment, your ds is living in a house where 2/3 of his household don't give a shit about him and will throw him to the wolves in order to continue their self-obsessed, bullying, 'I'm alright fuck everyone else' lifestyle.
Not for my kids, no way.

tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 13:16

I'm not allowed to parent step son.

Fuck. That.

OP you are failing your boy

tomatoandherbs · 06/05/2022 13:17

Harsh. But true.

ancientgran · 06/05/2022 13:18

I think you need to leave and find a new school. Bullying is vile and so many schools fail the child. I don't know how you can live with your wife if she is condoning this, let alone living with a child who is bullying your son.

Shame on you if you let this go on any longer.

TeddybearBaby · 06/05/2022 13:44

I found this really hard to read actually. My son reminds me of yours at that age. Did and said weird things to fit in. It amazed me because he is such a great person and if he would just be himself then he’d have lots of friends etc. It has all turned around for him now thank god and the person I could always see is shining through, it’s so wonderful to see. I could cry!

His cousins were aware that ‘he didn’t help himself’ sometimes but I cannot stress enough how woe betide the kid that tried to belittle him or hurt him. We are a family and we look after each other no matter what. Cheesy I know!! It feels so sad to me that your son doesn’t have that in his step brother and I would really struggle to maintain a relationship under these circumstances.

I hope everything turns around for you all. That feeling of worrying every day and feeling so powerless. I remember it so clearly 💐

YRGAM · 06/05/2022 15:21

I'm very angry on your behalf OP. Your poor son needs a safe space, and he hasn't got one because his bully (and make no mistake, the stepson is a bully even if it's not physical) is there when he comes home. I know it's tough but you need to give your wife a clear ultimatum that either she stops your stepson joining in the bullying or you are both out of there.

If that doesn't help, I would also move schools ASAP. The boxing class is also a good idea - not condoning violence but some bullies only respond to physical retaliation. Good luck, it's a horrible position to be in.

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