How to handle this recurring issue

[KnotofAnxiety]

My child is 9
We have a group of friends and children who we see regularly and have days out and meet ups etc.
My child during these times will come and tell me that so and so hasn't let them play or so and so has said they aren't good at something or that they've been pushed or any number of things

I've been saying to my child to just ignore them and play something else but I'm sure not sure that's the right approach?
It's making me feel like my child is the one who has a problem as none of the others ever come and say anything but I also wonder if one of the children isn't acting kindly towards my child and I should try and see this group less and forge new groups.
We've talked alot about it all and all my child says is when one of them does these things it makes him feel sad and angry but I'm also conscious that my child might just be over sensitive and telling tales as it were...

Any help would be appreciated as I'm mulling all this over

Anyone?

Overall does your child enjoy these outings? Does the pushing, being unkind happen every time? Is your child upset or down after meeting this group?

I think some things can be ignored but other things need to be handled. I wouldn't tell him to just ignore pushing. It would be good to learn to be more assertive and how not to put up with others treating you badly.

DD and me often role play through scenarios where I try to suggest words and phrases (or actions) to use but of course it's not so easy in real life. I'll be watching this thread for ideas.

If he is upset and down in general after meeting up with this group (ie as opposed to just being annoyed about a particular incident or child but still in good spirits overall) then I'd consider not meeting up with them. How is he with other kids? How is he in school? Does he have friends in school or does he have similar problems in school?

If this group consists of classmates then you'll have to find a way to deal with it I think but don't ignore it. Neither he nor the other kids should get used to him being someone that can be pushed around.

Is your child an only child?

Not an only child but the youngest.
It seems to be only a problem when there is a group of 3 or more
One to one there are no issues
Has friends at school and and no issues
Has friends outside of school and no issues
They are school friends but don't really play together at school
I always step in and sort out these situations but I just wondered if I'm missing something
We have roleplayed and I've said to try and not be bothered by the little comments but they say it upsets them

Overall he's happy to meet up and has never said otherwise.
The issues are mostly every time when the group is bigger than 2
He is quite sensitive which we're working
on but only in these situations.
Wonder if the group dynamics just aren't right for him

Does he struggle in large groups at school ?

I don't have a nine year old so maybe take this with a grain of salt, but by that age, I think always stepping in to sort it stops being useful. He's getting to the age where he needs to resolve his own minor issues with friends as you can't keep stepping in for him. Maybe he is the only child to have a problem, but maybe the other children have learned this, and you son keeps coming to you because you always step in so it's self perpetuating in a way. But if he is the only child to have a problem with these group meetings and he's always coming out of them feeling bad, maybe it's time to give it a pause.

I agree with this to a point. When I say I step in I never go barging in.. more of a subtle check in

He gets your full attention everytime he tells you something - and then you have a big discussion about it afterwards.

I would shut it down. Just a breezy ‘Ok, bit you need to deal with that yourself’ and move swiftly on!

Our DS is quite sensitive, he is only 4.5 years, we have always told him to tell someone rather than to react himself. We are teaching his resilience which he's now pretty good at being.
We changed that at school, where a child was hitting him, teachers trying but to no real avail, so he needed to hit back. The Problem was then sorted.

BUT, he hates being "unkind" (hitting, kicking back) he still just tells the teacher if the other kids don't do the right thing, he is basically a snitch but that's what school tell him to do.

I do worry though as he gets a bit older, he needs to deal with things himself. It's good that he has proved he can, but he just hates doing it.

I think the other parents should look into why your child is always upset, I know I would if one of our DS friends was always sad on our meet ups. What have the other parents said?

Some parents don't like getting involved, it's a lot easier claiming the more sensitive child needs to change and toughen up rather than the rude or unkind child learn some manners. Although in this situation it may not be the others issue, I suppose until you see or know what happens it's hard to guage.
I wouldn't like my DS confidence constantly knocked by his friends, but resilience is also vital in kids, so work on that as well. At 9 I suppose he knows if he wants to see then or not, and yes, try to cement other friendships he is happier in.

Had forgotten about this thread..
Any other advice would be very welcome

Your ds should tell the child’s parents every time it happens. He should run over and say blah blah is calling me names etc

What have you done when you step in?

I ask because we have a child like this in our circle and it's very much the "reporting" child that has the issue. So I'd be interested to hear what you do, as tbh for the rest of us, who can watch and hear exactly what happens, this child proactively takes on the role of victim and actually ruins it for the other children who are constantly painted as the villains for literally just being children and not doing exactly what this child wants when they want it! Meanwhile the mother panders to it...

There is a kid in my youngests group that did this and to be honest it just ended up being a pain in the arse for everyone. In the end people just stopped inviting her and her mum.to stuff. Sitting down for drinks or BBQ etc and she was over every 5 minutes with some injustice seeking validation. Her mother indulged her and thus rewarded her.

Why not hang out with a group of children he does get along with and see if it makes a difference.

I tend to just say to my child quietly to just ignore whatever it is or play with someone/something else
If I have had to go and say something then I usually do a sweeping statement "is everyone ok.. are we all playing nicely etc"

In this case there are no problems

I think I would help him practise getting his feelings across to the other children, whether he feels something is unfair ie he never gets to go first or wants to be included in something. If this fails then he needs to come to the parent of the child rather than you, if he can. Then he can report what happened, then say I tried X and then ask the parent for help.

I think constantly telling him to ignore it means they get away with it every time. He needs to tell them that they are being unkind. If he is the youngest at 9 then these children are well aware of their actions and are making deliberate choices.

If this just continues then stop socialising with them. Your son needs to know you have his back. If the parent does nothing then I would leave with your son. No need for drama just say I think we will go home now.

Little comments are difficult to deal with, but for actual pushes I really think he should be encouraged to at least speak up and tell (shout?) that they shouldn't push him.

Is it always the same kid? If so, what is your relationship like with their parent?

Would you approach this issue differently if he were a girl?

Check out Dr Becky (she has Instagram and Facebook channels, a newsletter and a podcast etc). She gives great advice on these sorts of scenarios.

Sorry if I am misunderstanding but are you saying that these problems are only with these particular children? And you say your child feels sad and angry when this happens?

I would listen to my child - they are telling me that one group of children makes them feel sad and angry, and other groups of children do not. It sounds like they are being unkindly treated in some way.

I've said to try and not be bothered by the little comments but they say it upsets them This doesn't work - your child is upset, it is better to hear that and give them the option of not playing with these children. At nine I would just dial this group down and dial up an alternative.

He wouldn't want to leave. He wants to be with these friends and wants to be liked so badly. It's the comments that are harder to deal with for us
The rough play isn't the issue really
It's the being left out and the little digs
We are trying to help him feel more confident but when he is left out he's just sad. We explain that the kids don't have to let him play and that we all have a choice but at 9 he just wants to join in
Its very hard

Also I'm aware that him telling tales will be annoying for all concerned
And that I hear just one side to the story

But, what if he is experiencing some low level bullying? Is it always the same child that your son says is being mean?

You need to get to the bottom of what is actually going on. Is your son being over sensitive? Or is he being singled out? Until you know what's actually going on, you can't deal with it, because if it is that your D's is on the receiving end of shitty behaviour, that's what needs dealing with, not your child's reaction to it. If your child is being ott, then that's what needs dealing with.