Grandparents and childcare - am I right to feel annoyed?

[SDW17]

Am I right to feel, a little annoyed, that my parents will often look after my brother's dog when he and his partner are working, because they haven't trained it to ever be left alone.

But, they seem to be inconvenienced, and not very wanting/willing to look after my little boy their grandson (sometimes twice a week, sometimes never in a week - it's not regular, as it depends on Nursery days and our shifts)

Or do you think the two are totally different levels and I shouldn't compare!?

When my little boy was born, my mum said more than few times "I'll look after him when you need help with work etc" - but it seems now the reality is here, my parents don't seem as wanting/enjoying being looking after grandson occasionally.

My parents are not very easy to talk to. I don't know whether to find a way to stop relying on them altogether, I suppose I just feel a little sad actually... What do you think? (Please no harsh judging/jumping to conclusions... there's alot of family history that would take a lot of time to write and read 😂😂😂) but in summary, my brother has always been the, favourite child, sadly for me 😂

I’d sort yourself out and not ask them.

I agree it's disappointing but obviously not all grandparents are keen on doing childcare. Some people do prefer dogs.

If stopping relying on them helps then I'd do so. I think sometimes a difficult relationship can actually be salvaged by just having really low expectations of them.

You'll get people on here saying you're selfish for expecting anything from GPs but if they said they'd help you out and are then reneging on that, then you're definitely entitled to feel a bit put out.

I expect looking after a dog is easier than a baby and in their mind it's already a responsibility and a tie for them. I can also see if it's not a regular slot they have with you so it seems to change frequency or date, that could appear more difficult for them.

All I think you can do is arrange paid for childcare and not rely on them.

How can you even compare looking after a dog with looking after a child? Dog you walk them a couple of times a day, come home and the dog just does its own thing. Children need constant supervision, conversation, food cooked for them, etc. Completely different. Looking after a dog is far easier and far less stressful.

Been through this. You are not wrong to feel how you do. It’s your son and his grandparents who will miss out on a close relationship but that’s there choice. They have shown you this. Make your own arrangements and don’t bother trying to force the relationship, neither of them will benefit.

It's entirely up to them so Yabu. It also sounds like they look after your child a lot - once a week is a lot I would say.

It sounds like they’re unreliable for childcare despite the promises of help. Once children become reality (and grandparents remember it’s actual hard work looking after a small child) they often change their minds. Honestly I think the worst thing you can do is rely on parents for childcare because they can be flaky and it causes so much tension. I always used nursery or a childminder to avoid situations like that! i know it’s not easy with shift work but my old childminder used to do very early mornings and over nights to accommodate shift workers so it is possible to find someone who can be more flexible

also I expect your parents view looking after a dog as much easier than a child (not disputing he’s the golden child) but I expect that’s the reason they’re happy to do that all the time

I do see the two things very differently. A dog requires very little effort once you've taken it for a walk.

A baby is a little harder.. constant feeding changing jiggling and comforting...

.... a toddler is a huge amount more work. Constant attention and entertainment requires by the care giver .

Very different to a dog.

If I were you I would have a straight talk with your mother. Along these lines .. 'hey mum - when little jimmy was born , you said you wanted to look after him when I work. I have asked a few times and been turned down. Have you changed your mind ? No right or wrong here. You don't HAVE to do it . I just need to know so I can sort something out that I can depend on while I am at work.

Thanks for the quick responses. I will probably leave it there. Yes of course looking after a dog, is totally different to looking after a child - I think the frustration comes where they offered to help with childcare... and if they don't want to, they should just say maybe? Thanks everyone!

I’d stop asking.

There are two things going on, he’s the favourite which will always be hurtful and you can best protect yourself by putting yourself out there to feel rejected as little as possible.

And people talk a lot of shit before the baby arrives. My dad and stepmum were insisting on having DD when I worked from when I was 5 months pregnant but once she was here they weren’t that bothered about her at all and wouldn’t have been seen dead changing a nappy or wiping up sick so I wouldn’t have trusted them to have her alone and they never have.

The rejection from your childhood is being played out in the relationship with your son and it’s not going to change but you’ll continue feeling even worse if you think he’s being hurt by it too.

Step back from them and find other support.

They find it harder work than they thought. Kids are hard work. Many grandparents are amazing and help a lot but there are many crap ones who don't help at all

Find somebody reliable. Pay for childcare and perhaps they can he the emergency helpers

Well no, you can't really compare having your brother's dog and looking after your child. The dog won't need constant attention, interaction, running around after, safeguarding etc.

I look after my DGC and it's exhausting. I don't think younger generations quite get how energy levels drop as you age, particularly for women post menopause. Maybe your mum didn't anticipate it being such hard work when she first offered help, I know I didn't.

I can understand you feeling disappointed, but I'd find alternative care if I were you. I always found it less hassle to pay for childcare than be at the mercy of my mother or inlaws who often let me down. Forget about the dog situation though, it's not comparable.

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks yes, I think that's it. And you're right, everyone gets excited about the idea of the new baby/grandchild, but the reality is alot harder work for them too isn't it.

Partner and I have been discussing changing our shifts so that we dont need to rely on parents ever, and I think that's probably for the best, at the least just so there is no unnecessary tension.

I agree with others, sort out an alternative hard as it is. Your parents have let you down, don’t rely on them.
As for the dog of course it’s easier looking after a dog.

I should probably add, just for the giggles, my mum has also told me outright she would not look after my dog, which is alot smaller, and friendlier 🤣 she genuinely prefers to look after my brothers she says. So, I suppose I just accept this is how it goes and pay for other childcare and not rely on family.

Thank you again 😊

And to clarify, never the dog and child together, that was before baby!!

Will reduce my working hours... Or try and earn more for Nursery fees hey 🤣

Maybe theyre not exactly wanting or willing to look after the dog but just do it anyway.
I think if you need help then ask them anyway and dont wait for them to seem enthusiastic. Try and avoid pre-empting what they might feel about it.

I found that my parents were happy to help if it was taking the baby out in the pram for a walk (if they were calm/sleeping/smiling/being cute). My mum liked to show off the baby in the pram to all her friends, so now it’s less appealing with a couple of whiny schoolchildren. She will look after my brother’s cute dog for similar reasons.
We made a decision early on to only use paid childcare, with the occasional bit of babysitting from the GPs. That way it feels like a privilege for us to to have the childcare, and a privilege for the GPs to spend time with the GC. I wouldn’t want to be relying on them for a regular commitment. I know some lovely people who look after their grandchildren regularly and provide excellent care, but even they say how difficult and tiring it is. I think childcare is much more involved these days, it’s no longer a case of sitting there while a baby quietly kicks around on a mat.

Yup it is totally different situations there

Definitely arrange it so you don't need them ever. Sadly some grandparents are like that. They just don't want to do childcare, they want an hour hear and there to do the fun stuff but not any day to day stuff. It's up to them but they can't then moan they never see you because one of you is always working.

It’s your son and his grandparents who will miss out on a close relationship

You can have a close relationship with a child without doing hands on childcare.

To be honest I like to be organised and know exactly what I'm doing so the uncertainty of not knowing If they'd help or not would drive me insane and it's very stressful too worrying about childcare.

Id just organise nursery/childminder for when you work and then if they offer the odd evening/ weekend to go out it's a bonus

Can either of you work compressed hours? Don't just reduce yours if it's avoidable.

I find it odd when people have children then have this animosity towards their parents for not wanting to do childcare. Even if they once offered, they can change their minds. It's your kid, you look after them and find alternative childcare when you can't. I'm a lone parent and pay for childcare 5 days a week. My parents have days off in the week but I don't think they should be used caring for my son. They help out whenever I'm unwell, and occasionally have him over for a sleepover night (once every 2/3 months) but apart from that, no. It works fine.

I think that offering to help with baby and the reality are probably different. For example, my family would offer to help but it would be only if I was in a bind. It has always been fully understood that offering to help is not the same as agreeing to regular childcare.

I obviously don't know your particular situation but 2 times a week is a lot. Also, erratic times is tricky, as it makes it hard to have your own routine and they would have to plan everything around when they will have your ds.