Grandparents and childcare - am I right to feel annoyed?

[SDW17]

Am I right to feel, a little annoyed, that my parents will often look after my brother's dog when he and his partner are working, because they haven't trained it to ever be left alone.

But, they seem to be inconvenienced, and not very wanting/willing to look after my little boy their grandson (sometimes twice a week, sometimes never in a week - it's not regular, as it depends on Nursery days and our shifts)

Or do you think the two are totally different levels and I shouldn't compare!?

When my little boy was born, my mum said more than few times "I'll look after him when you need help with work etc" - but it seems now the reality is here, my parents don't seem as wanting/enjoying being looking after grandson occasionally.

My parents are not very easy to talk to. I don't know whether to find a way to stop relying on them altogether, I suppose I just feel a little sad actually... What do you think? (Please no harsh judging/jumping to conclusions... there's alot of family history that would take a lot of time to write and read 😂😂😂) but in summary, my brother has always been the, favourite child, sadly for me 😂

This is all obviously indicative of your feelings about being the least popular child. Your parents have made you feel this way. I’d protect myself from that truly awful feeling and stop bothering with them entirely. They will endlessly let you down because they’ve conditioned you to absolutely crave any scrap of anything that makes you feel like they love you as much as the golden child. I wouldn’t want to be there if the favoured brother had children as I suspect that would be very painful indeed.

I find it odd when people have children then have this animosity towards their parents for not wanting to do childcare

There'll be someone along shortly to say that if GPs don't supply childcare, then don't help them out when they're old and need a favour.

Perhaps they find it harder than they expected?

How long is a childcare 'shift'? I know I would find it lots easier and would be more enthusiastic if it were 5 hours or less, not a full on long day.

Its never more than 5 hours, usually 3-4 hours between me starting work and my partner finishing. Thanks for the comment. Its obviously one of those where everyone has their own opinion, but I'm probably on the right lines of just going down paid childcare route to avoid any unnecessary stress on my parents 😊

I think it’s very different looking after a child compared to a dog and ultimately as others have said it’s their prerogative.

My DM said she’d look after my first DC when I went back to work. I actually moved, buying a house nearer to her so this could happen and then she decided she didn’t want to.

it was disappointing because childcare became such an expensive burden and we’d committed to a house we wouldn’t have otherwise done but we got through and almost 20 years late my mother wonders why she doesn’t have much of a relationship with DGC 🤷‍♀️

When people say grandparents plural it' can be just granny tearing around while grandad steps back which makes things that much harder especially if grandad still expects his needs to be met as usual

Mine didn't do childcare either. Even when I broke my leg and was on my own with 2 young kids I just had to get on with it

But don't say you will and then take it back because of dogsitting. Just don't say it in the first place.

This sort of situation is exactly why I'd rather pay for nursery than factor my mother into any ongoing childcare arrangements.

I know I'm lucky financially to be able to say that, but I see how enmeshed my mother and sister's relationship is (she provides a LOT of childcare for single parent Dsis) and I'm so grateful to be able to avoid that. My mother also feels free to comment/judge my sister's parenting approach because of how much childcare she does.

Maybe it's just my toxic family!!

I wonder if what's really upset you is the broken promise?

My own mother (in her mid-fifties, perfect health, and not working) made both of my sisters promises to help with their children, so that they could go back to work.

With my eldest sister, my mum went back on her word at the very last minute, literally a week before my sister had to return from maternity leave.

My eldest sister couldn't return to work as my mum didn't give her enough notice to find replacement childcare. Truly awful. Caused huge issues.

My BIL offered to pay my mum the same amount as a nanny until they could find an alternative, but my mum refused and was incredibly insulted at being offered money to care for GC. She then attacked my sister for being upset that she had to quit her job and said she wasn't the parent and my sister's DC wasn't her responsibility.

Having witnessed our eldest sister being let down, my younger sister refused my mum's offer and has instead been criticised for sending her child to nursery. My sister said she simply can't rely on my parents for childcare and had to make alternative arrangements.

My MIL provides childcare twice a week for my DC and is very caring and reliable. My mum frequently makes digs about how my MIL has nothing better to do than look after DC.

Funnily enough, my grandparents (my mum's parents) did enormous amounts of childcare for us when we were children despite my mum being a SAHM.

My mum claims that my grandparents did this because they were bored and had nothing better to do with their time. A complete lie. My grandparents were very involved in their local community and had a large group of friends. They were very involved in their church, charity and volunteered at a large museum in London.

In contrast, my mum has no hobbies and spends most of her time completing normal household chores and complaining about how busy she is. I think it's simply a matter of priorities.

My mother also feels free to comment/judge my sister's parenting approach because of how much childcare she does
Definitely not jusy you, I see this with mil and bil's kids. Complete lack of boundaries and she has done so much for them for so long it's too late to pull back now. She fancies herself the matriarch of the family. We visit occasionally and I keep her on a strict need to know basis. Which means we all have an excellent relationship with no blurred boundaries.

I think this is maybe quite common as lots of my friends' parents did the same. They said they were keen to look after the kids and then changed their minds when the kids actually came into being!

We all idealise kids a bit if we haven't spent prolonged periods in their company. The reality is that kids are hard and relentless (mine are anyway - haha) It's easy to forget what it's really like if it's been a few decades since parenting a small, demanding child.

I'm not a dog person but imagine they're easier so probably not comparable.

Do your parents work? Mine and dhs do, and I'll be working til my own dc are in their 40s. I could manage a dog laying at my feet (wfh) but certainly couldn't do childcare for small dc while working.

Child care isn't so easy as you get older and especially if you have health issues.
Maybe your parents haven't made it clear enough that they are not as healthy and strong as they used to be.
I can see that many younger people have no idea how tired a body can become after sixty. Just staying alert to a young child is tiring.

Looking after a dog is generally much easier than looking after a child! How old is your DS? I ask because if he’s a toddler your parents may find it hard to keep up with and manage him? Were they happy to have him when he was younger?

You say they sometimes look after GS twice a week but the days are never regular. Are the dog-care days regular?

Your parents have their own lives to fit around requests for dog and baby sitting; and if the times/days vary no wonder they are sometimes unwilling to babysit on a day they had planned to do something else, have friends over etc. It means changing their own activities to suit yours. Yes, that IS inconvenient. Maybe if you talked to them more, you'd know what was in their diary?

I don't think it's your Mum and Dad being selfish in this family.

Looking after a dog and caring for a baby are very different kinds of commitments. However, it’s a shame your mum seems to be less enthusiastic now when she was keen before. Probably best to find alternative care if you can, and don’t rely on your parents.

Yes, I think people get very rose-tinted very quickly about the early years, and it all sort of gets mashed up into one, so they remember the cuteness and biddibility of a one year old but the verbal ability and capacity for independent play of a four year old but forget that you don't get those both at once... People remember it as being far easier than it was and so make big promises but are unprepared for the reality.

I’m not going to be getting any help from my parents and I don’t expect them to.

Looking after a dog is zero effort compared to looking after a child.