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Original poster

What age would you take children to a funeral?

65 replies

RandomName130 · 02/05/2022 05:43

Just that really? I’m talking the funeral of a very immediate family member heavily involved with your DC.

OP posts:
User12398712 · 02/05/2022 06:55

Depends on the child and the wishes of immediate family. I've taken a just turned one year old to a funeral - they were not very mobile and very placid and I knew they would sit quietly on my lap. I decided not to take a three year old as sitting quietly and behaving reasonably appropriately wasn't in their skillset at the time and they also would not have understood what it was all about. From school age, I have tended to talk to the child about it and give them the decision whether they want to go or not.

Gladioli23 · 02/05/2022 06:55

I think this is very dependent on your family. Some of my earliest memories are of funerals. I have a big family and there were various great great uncles and great grandparents etc. As a child I couldn't really comprehend what they were about - I know people had died but at the time they were just family gatherings. I remember enjoying seeing relations I didn't see very often. I guess in my family the wake is definitely a celebration of life and maybe that helps.

Usou · 02/05/2022 06:58

Any age - particularly if they are grandchildren of the deceased as it changes the vibe of the funeral completely.

Death is part of life: why try to shield children from it?

Bobbybobbins · 02/05/2022 06:58

It's so hard to say as it depends on the child, the family dynamics, the funeral. I would say wake is typically fine most of the time but service very dependent on the above. Both my children have learning disabilities so I would avoid taking them as they wouldn't understand or sit quietly.

findingsomeone · 02/05/2022 07:00

I didn't take my 9 month old to my brother's funeral but I did take her to my grandma's when she was 11 months old.

I couldn't have done the eulogy and coped at my brother's with her there. She would have been so upset because I was upset and my attention would therefore have been on her and not the funeral.

WindyKnickers · 02/05/2022 07:00

As others have said its very personal. I would take my DC at any age. My ex wouldn't allow DD to attend his DF's funeral when she was 5 and she was really upset about it. I personally would have taken her but he and his DM were very clear that they didn't want her there. At the recent funeral of a much younger family member on my side the children were included in the planning and were a big part of the service.

MagicMatilda · 02/05/2022 07:05

I wouldn’t take my children (unless newborn) I think it’s too upsetting for them and not fair on the other people attending.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 02/05/2022 07:13

Wow. The variety of views on this subject always amazes me. My DD first went to her great grandmas funeral aged 5mths. The priest made a specific point in his opening speech about her being there and how important it was and encouraging us not to worry about any noise she might make. Our kids have attended all close family funerals ever since (bar those limited on numbers during the pandemic) so aged 2 & 4, 4 & 6. But then they are used to going to church and we both sides of the family are Irish Catholic, with funerals considered very much an important family affair. As a kid I have happy memories of funerals being fun family get togethers - a chance for everyone to catch up and kids to play - perhaps even more so than weddings.

mrsfoof · 02/05/2022 07:15

It would depend on the child and the mood of the funeral. I took my DC age 6 months and 2.5 years to their great grandparent's funeral (very much a laid-back celebration where child-related noises brought light relief) but didn't take 3 year old DS to their great aunt's very solemn, full-on religious requiem mass funeral.
At either funeral, a toddler having a full-blown tantrum or playing with a noisy toy would have been inappropriate.
I'd say if your child is relatively calm and easily pacified with a quiet toy / book and the mourners are tolerant of occasional raised toddler voices and mildly inappropriate remarks ("is granny REALLY in that box"), go for it.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 02/05/2022 07:23

It totally depends on the age and the relationship with the person. I did not take DD to my uncle's funeral when she was 3 - I thought she would have asked so many questions and needed entertaining that it would have been distracting for his family, and not appropriate for my child to be a focus. I did take DD aged 8 to my mum's funeral last year. She was old enough to understand what was happening, offer comfort to my DDad and to be part of marking the life of someone important to her.

Original poster
RandomName130 · 02/05/2022 07:26

Thanks all. My decision had been to attend the service and burial while DH looks after our child (aged under 2). Our only childcare options are in my family and will be at the service themselves. I am immediate family - I have organised the service etc and will be in the family car.
I was then planning on having DH and child join us for the wake.

My thoughts on child not attending the service & burial -


  • never has been around that many people and can get quite overwhelmed in new situations (expecting around 150 in attendance)

  • has never attended anything as noisy - organ, hymns etc and again, can get very overwhelmed in new situations

  • is very loud and chatty and loves to run about and obviously at this age has very little concept of staying quiet/still etc

OP posts:
Neverreturntoathread · 02/05/2022 07:27

10/11

ShadowPuppets · 02/05/2022 07:29

Sorry for your loss OP.

Our policy on funerals is the same as weddings. DC of all ages attend unless expressedly not invited, because as far as we’re concerned they’re part of the family. Whichever person is less close to the person getting married or buried/cremated is in charge of taking them out if they get upset or misbehave, but tbh that’s never needed to happen. DD attended her great grandmothers funeral at 9 months and was a total star, it was DH’s DGM so I was on hand to step out if needed but she was good as gold.

Sniffypete · 02/05/2022 07:32

Any age. My dd has, unfortunately had to attend a few funerals in her little life. And at age 10 actually did a reading at her grandparent funeral (her choice).

As others have said. Sit somewhere you can make a swift exit if need be - although I'd ask a friend or partner to come and they can take them if need be.

intwrferingma · 02/05/2022 07:38

We didn't take DC when then were 5 and 7 to my FiL's funeral. It was 250 miles or so away and didn't feel they'd suffer if they didn't go. They in fact saw him days before he died in the Hospice, and have positive memories of that. We felt that was the important thing. The consequently went to all their other grandparents' funerals, though they were in fairness much older - and even played parts in the services.
So no right or wrong. But my point is that it did them no harm not to go

User12398712 · 02/05/2022 07:39

I think that toddler age is really difficult for funerals. I am generally on the side of death is part of life and children shouldn't be sheltered, but many toddlers just don't have the understanding. I think one of mine would probably have been fine at that age - they are quite placid and compliant and also a lot of (emotional) intelligence. The other one, the one that I didn't take to a funeral at 3 is much more boisterous and didn't really have the same sort of complex understanding and wouldn't have grasped what was going on or that they had to sit quietly for half an hour. It wouldn't have been fair on them or the other mourners. I should have said, he did join us at the wake though.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 02/05/2022 07:45

id Take then

I went to open casket wakes from the age of 3! It’s not a big deal in Ireland - maybe things are different in the uk?

at my grans funereal we had babies and young children at the open casket wake and funeral too it’s very much the done thing and think it’s good for kids to learn about death from a young age tbh.

ChoiceMummy · 02/05/2022 08:30

RandomName130 · 02/05/2022 05:58

@RandomName130 Oh really?! Sorry I’m deliberately trying to keep it relatively vague as it’s outing. I’m talking a child under 2 years old. I have had another immediate family member come at me very very upset after I suggested that my young child would not be attending.
Im not sure how much of the reaction to put down to grief or if I’m being particularly unreasonable to not take a child so young.

Show quote history

I would not be taking a 2yo to a funeral and didn't.
I did, however, bring them to the wake.
I feel that it's inappropriate during the service for them to be able to manage behaviour/noise wise as well as seeing so many upset family members could be very confusing for them.
What do they gain from attending? Imo nothing. However, by the time they're school age things are very different.

20viona · 02/05/2022 08:31

Ideally I'd avoid it until early teens. I never went to any younger than that and it's depressing at the best of times never mind with a bored or upset kid too.

ChoiceMummy · 02/05/2022 08:32

RandomName130 · 02/05/2022 07:26

Thanks all. My decision had been to attend the service and burial while DH looks after our child (aged under 2). Our only childcare options are in my family and will be at the service themselves. I am immediate family - I have organised the service etc and will be in the family car.
I was then planning on having DH and child join us for the wake.

My thoughts on child not attending the service & burial -


  • never has been around that many people and can get quite overwhelmed in new situations (expecting around 150 in attendance)

  • has never attended anything as noisy - organ, hymns etc and again, can get very overwhelmed in new situations

  • is very loud and chatty and loves to run about and obviously at this age has very little concept of staying quiet/still etc

I agree entirely with you.
When I was in this position, knowing that I would be reading the eulogy and having my own young child there was not appropriate.
Hope that things go well on the day.

Roselilly36 · 02/05/2022 08:44

Do whatever you feel is right, OP. It’s doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, you know your child best. Don’t be pressured by other family members opinions.

The only points I would consider are, relations could become upset, that could be confusing for a very young child. How would you feel if you had to leave the funeral, should your child become agitated, which would be understandable in such an unfamiliar environment.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

gogohm · 02/05/2022 08:44

Any age, I organise them - we have had newborns to 100 year olds at some. Toddlers are tricky and my advice is if possible ask a friend to come along with you are close to the deceased so they can take them out into the church yard or into the hall if needed but we from the ministry teams point of you do not mind at all if toddlers are running about, they are family too and it's quite fitting in a Lion King circle of life kind of way to have young children at the funeral of an elderly relative. I should add that even the most boisterous of toddler seems to behave pretty well, they take their cue from the adults and provide colour sheets and crayons plus have quite toys at the back

gogohm · 02/05/2022 08:50

I would say there's extra sensibilities if the deceased is not "old" or you aren't close family - in these circumstances talk to the person organising the funeral.

Phillipa12 · 02/05/2022 08:51

I would take the lead from the direct next of kin. 8 years ago my 3 year old daughter died, I was insistent that children were welcome at the funeral but I would leave it up to parents to decide if they came, my pil's were aghast as funerals were no place for children apparently. My reasoning was that she was a child, and her 5 year old brother needed children around him. Lots of children attended, ranging in age from 3 weeks upto 9 years old, no there was not silence throughout the service, but I didn't want that, I wanted to hear children, hear her friends, it brought me immense comfort. We had about 25 children at the service, some friends, some family, at the wake there was nearer 50. It was beyond lovely to see them all running around and enjoying themselves, my son still remembers Pippas party as do his friends.

vdbfamily · 02/05/2022 08:54

Mine have been to lots of funerals since babies but just be prepared to remove them if noisy/ distracting.
I have never understood the culture of not taking children to funerals.
In some ways it is a positive sign of how, despite the grief of losing a loved one, life just keeps on going with new births. It is also a very natural opportunity to talk about death and loss with our children.