Not wanting to send DC to nursery?

[ctd11]

My sons 10 months. I don't work, my partner does and my partner is happy for me not to go back to work (yet) as we are planning another DC In a year or so. Obviously I won't need childcare as I'm at home but I do like the idea or my DC socialising and having friends etc. I'm quite an old fashioned mum, I don't want to send him to nursery as I feel that's my job to be there for him and I'm lucky to be able to not go back to work (my opinions only not meaning to offend anyone! As I know some people have no choice)

What age is best to send them to nursery? He still needs me to get him to sleep etc and realistically I wouldn't want to send him until he can talk and communicate his needs. anyone else been the same? I mean I could send him for 2 days a week so he still socialises etc?

I don't know what I'm asking really, what's everyone's thoughts? Anyone been in the same position?

Thanks x

My DC started nursery at 11 months old (because I was going back to work). I had all the same thoughts as you - wanted her to have social interaction but was nervous about her needing me/sticking to her routine.

But she's been great and loves it. Got used to a routine at nursery but has her own when she's with us. I'm sure your DC would get used to sleeping ok at nursery (they're experts) and still co sleep at home with you.

I believe there is research suggesting that from age 3 nursery/preschool is really positive. Apparently it is good at age 2+ if from a deprived background and that, at a younger age, it is not ideal. (Before I get jumped on mine went to nursery after my mat leaves but I was not under any illusions that it was positive or that my 1yo needed socialisation! It was, as for most of us, a necessary evil)

Research says that nursery is beneficial around the 2.5-3 year mark.
Prior to that it's no more beneficial than not going. It doesn't do any harm, most people put their children in nursery because they want to/have to depending on what's happening at home/ work etc.
I take my 2.5 year old to toddler groups, socialise with friends with children the same age and grandparents look after her 2 days per week when I'm at work and they're really good. It's now I'm thinking she would benefit from a couple of days at nursery, she'll do 15 hours in September

You don't have to send your child to nursery if you don't want to, it is a choice.

My dd was 18 months when she started (I don't work and DH works as hoc from home) but she was 3 months when covid hit so we decided it was better for her social development to be with other adults & children, without us. She started on 2 mornings a week and now she's 29 months she goes 3 mornings a week and has lunch there, then comes home for her nap. Come September, we plan to increase 1 of her days to 8:30am to 3:30pm to get her used to more longer days.
She has loved going since her settling in sessions of which she had 2, with DH there. She merrily strolls in without a backward glance and comes out full of smiles. She eats a far better range of food for her lunch at nursery than she will at home and her talking has come on massively.

I also take her to a toddler music/dance class once a week and she will often not sit with the other children, choosing to sit on my knee to watch the puppets or whatever. Whereas at nursery, I know she'll happily play and interact with the other children and adults.

It is personal choice though

If you don't need childcare, then you can choose what to do with your DC. But be sure to prioritise what is best for you child- not what suits you. And as long as they are eventually ready for school, it's up to you how they get there.
No need for nursery - if DC can learn elsewhere. They can be sociable and learn to take turns etc at playgroups whilst you are present. They can learn to dress themselves, go to the loo, carry a tray of food etc at home. You are doing them a huge favour if you can help them learn to separate and be independent. You can do this by having other people take care of them for short periods of time initially. In your own home , then in others' homes. You can get them to do activities where you watch, then you wait outside etc.
Nursery is probably the best way to get them used to the idea of going to a setting regularly, and spending longer periods away from you and building a relationship with a carer/ teacher- so great preparation for school but not the only way.
If you're having a second child, it could be in DC1's best interests to be settled in a nursery before DC2 arrives- so they are settled and stable and you can have some hours to devote yourself to the newborn. Up to you though.

My children were all in nursery 3 days a week before the age of 1, but until 2 it was for our benefit, after 2 it has (to varying amounts depending on the child) been a real positive for them. Benefits in terms of confidence with other children, exposure to different ways of doing things, the messier side of play that’s not my forte, in fact quite a lot of play!

and yes that feels shitty but needs must. My youngest usually says she would rather go to nursery than have her day off with mummy!

I wouldn't send at 10 months unless out of necessity. My DD (second child) is the same age and will go a few times a week when she's around 1. If I didn't work I would probably put her in nursery a little from age 2 and then 30 hours once she turns 3.

I wouldn't send them till they are 2 if not needed for childcare.

But I would worry as you say partner instead of husband giving up work for years without any legal back up or protection. But that wasn't your question

Don’t worry about napping! Mine didn’t nap at all but does now at nursery - it’s magic, I’ve no idea how they do it!!

No way would I send a 10 month old to nursery if I didn’t need to.

imo people who have to use nurseries (and the nurseries themselves) will justify it by talking about socialisation etc, for obvious reasons. But it’s best for your baby to be with you until around 2.5-3. Before this they can get all the socialisation they need at playgroups etc. My DD didn’t go to nursery until the free hours the term after she turned 3 and it’s been great for preparing her for school.

Whether you are comfortable with nursery or not is neither here nor there. No one is bothered by you making the choice not to send them if you don’t need to for work. You don’t have to justify that with phrases like “old fashioned” etc, just don’t send them. It’s fine.

If it’s just for socialising then I don’t think it makes any difference to them until 3+

Mine both went at 2ish when they could walk confidently and talk. Both went 2 days a week.

They really flourished there so I personally think it is worth while. Besides the obvious socialising, learning to share etc., I found nursery to be especially helpful with 'self-help' skills (dressing, using a knife &Fork) etc. Which I found hard to get them to do at home without a tantrum! It was also really helpful with potty training.

Keep him home if you are happy. I worked in the early years and wouldn’t send under 3 years old if I didn’t need too. My dc didn’t go to nursery at all and didn’t suffer for it.

Instead of a nursery, why not look at a playschool where you could send him for a few hours to socialise / group activities? I found it hugely beneficial to myself and child, she has found a great friendship group and it has continued into primary.

Both of mine went at 1 due to work but eldest had to finish as I was made redundant and it felt a bit like setting fire to £200 a week. 😆 We did lots of classes, stay & plays and playground trips instead (until Covid). I don't think it matters at 1 but once you get to 18mo - 2yo I do think they are more interested in other children even if they don't really know how to play yet. By 3yo I was bloody done in and I was delighted to chuck him through that nursery door a couple of times a week.

My excellent nursery says socialising isnt important until age 2 years old. If you are able to make mum friends so you can organise regular playdates and go to groups, I'd say no earlier than the term after they turn 3 y.o. so you can then just use the term-time free hours.

Children benefit from playing with or alongside other children and it simply isnt the same playing with an adult. So you need to build that in. I can say that since age 3 my son's development has been massively accelerated at preschool, up to that point I don't think it was really necessary.

Mine went to nursery from 12 months as I had to go back to work. I wanted to go back to work. I love my job.

I don’t think they gain anything at nursery that they couldn’t from you before they are 2ish. I disagree with PP that say it’s traumatic & full of tears & a necessary evil before that. Both my DDs loved nursery & cried for the first couple drop offs & never again 🤷🏼‍♀️ They both developed very loving bonds with their key workers & genuinely got excited when they saw the building! BUT that wasn’t necessary if I wasn’t working. By age 2, socialisation, learning routines, being away from parents for a short period, experienced EYFS practitioners etc start to become more important & certainly, by 3, vital.

Im an ex EYFS teacher. You can 100% tell the difference in children who have & have not been to some form of nursery or pre-school when they start in reception. Those children are genuinely quite hard work initially & take a lot of settling (despite what their parents might think 😉) But in all honesty, it’s pretty rare to get many kids who haven’t done pre-school or nursery these days. Most parents work, at least part time.

I coslept with both too. They really do adapt when you aren’t there, pretty much instantly. It’s tempting to want to play the starring role in their lives, but ultimately it’s temporary.

@FolkSongSweet

It’s best for your baby not to have stressed parents, whether they are worrying about working or not working - a caring parent doesn’t need any added judgment (they can do that all for themselves). If you don’t need to work, or don’t want to, and stay at home - then that is the best. If you do need to go to work, or just want to - then that is the best. Parents are different, babies are different. Some nurseries are great, some childminders are great, some parents are great. But, some can be bad too. The people who are asking these questions obviously love and care for their baby - otherwise they wouldn’t be asking. Apart from being fed, warm, clothed etc., babies also need to be loved and the parents who love them don’t need this ridiculous judgment.

I LOVED my time at home with my 10 month old. He was learning to walk, starting to communicate more, we went swimming, to baby cinema, for long walks. And he was just so damn cute. Ah, it was great.

At 18 months, I was pregnant again, absolutely exhausted, had a demanding, defiant toddler and desperate for him to attend nursery. He only went for mornings though, picked him up at 11.30, quick lunch then off for a nap (often me too!)

So just see how you go. You may get an easy, calm toddler who you still love having at home all the time. Or you may be glad of the chance for DC to socialise and to have a few hours to yourself. My experience was during lockdowns and with no friend or anyone I knew with young children around - so that may make all the difference to you.

Having worked in nurseries I don’t think children get much in the way of socialising until they’re at least 2. By 3 I think most enjoy it. If you don’t want to send him to ‘nursery’ you could look for pre-schools or playgroups instead once he’s older.

My two went to nursery from six months as I went back to work. If I hadn't chosen to go back to work, I definitely wouldn't have sent them before age 2, probably age 3. Even if I didn't need it for my own sanity (which I would have done), I'd have made sure they were occasionally left with others (as well of course as with DH), eg my mum or a friend or a babysitter or the creche at the gym or church, so it wasn't such as big shock when they eventually had to separate from me more regularly. And I would have gone to toddler groups with them for the their socialisation once they were a 12-18m (or in fact from birth for company for me!) So no what you are doing is fine for now. Also once you have two, you may find it helpful to use a nursery or pre-school for them for a bit of the week at least as you can't give them as much attention each as when only one.

The research says benefits are measurable from age 3 but my son definitely benefitted from age 2 / 2.5 from forming attachments with particular other children and having them draw him into games he wouldn’t initiate himself, and very different from activity I would do.
He’s an only child and I do think that nursery is good for only and oldest children at age 2-3 in a way that is unnecessary for children with older siblings.

@Qwill it’s not judgment, it’s a fact that being with a parent is better for a 10 month old baby than being at nursery (obviously not where the parent is a bad one). Do you really think otherwise?!

If the parents are working then obviously there is no choice, and all the irrelevant stuff you posted comes into it, but that’s not the case here - the OP isn’t working.

As long as you are happy with your own choices that’s all that matters.