Help me deal with my 4 (nearly 5 year old)!

[Poyyu23]

I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help. She’s fine at school, I presume masking her emotions, but at home, she’s so volatile. She can snap at anything and anytime. She will hit, bite and scream for ages. I was very understanding previously as she started school in September. But honestly, I can’t handle it anymore. We have so many meltdowns. She’s constantly screaming about something. I am done. I can’t be there managing her four meltdowns every hour! Is this freakin’ normal?!

An only child who has everything; we both work full time but arrange our work to pick her up and drop her off. Doesn’t have to attend either the breakfast club or an afternoon school club. Won’t do any after school activities, and we don’t push for it. We are taking all our leave separately to maximise our time with her over one million school holidays. I make sure she has enough playdates and sees her friends.

As I said, no issues at school nor previously at nursery. Has a good group of friends.

I am just exhausted from managing stressful work, being available for her and her constant meltdowns.

We are now looking for a therapist to help her deal with her anger issues.

It’s my only child, and I had her late in life, so I don’t have much to compare to, but she has always been demanding. wouldn’t do pram. Would only sleep with me - still does! I am glad I never had another child, as I mentally wouldn’t be able to do it!

Any suggestions?! Help, please. Does this gets better?! I know about the after school meltdowns, and I have tried to handle those, but enough is enough.

Does she have more meltdowns at certain times - e.g when she is tired, thirsty or hungry?
My daughter does. I try to get her to have a drink when she is like that because it is often because she is dehydrated.

How’s her sleep- you say she sleeps with you, does that mean late or disturbed sleep. Honestly I would start putting her in her room, she doesn’t need to sleep in your bed to feel happy safe and loved.
what happens when she kicks off? I’m all for calm parenting, recognising emotions but sometimes kids are just brats who need a time out.

Thank you for your reply. It’s normally after school. I bring her snacks. But maybe she’s thirsty? Although she’s like this on the weekends too…usually when we won’t let her watch rubbish on YouTube or let her eat junk food… What else helps your child?

So when you collect her has she got your full attention or are you back working. Because she is 4 and is struggling a bit she probably needs full engagement. Has she a chance to run off some energy after school, an opportunity to decompress with you? Does she know what to expect after school or does it vary. Some kids take longer to adjust and are exhausted keeping being on for the school day.

She has some allergy issues/blocked nose and her sleep is not always the best. We are seeing a specialist about it. No chance of going to sleep in her room. She just kicks off.

I used to be calm and give her a lot of hugs. But now I have had enough. I tell her to stop hitting me and screaming at me but that doesn’t help either. I try to remove her to go to her room but she just follows me around kicking and screaming, yelling on top of her voice. I understand she’s young and can’t control herself but I can’t handle it either anymore. I told her when she gets angry to hit/punch a cushion or kick it with her legs but that doesn’t help. She will come down after a while but will kick off very soon after until she goes to sleep.

All your posts read that it’s too much hassle to enforce any routine or discipline- I appreciate working with young kids sometimes we settle for an easy life but if I can see you’re a pushover in two sentences I’m sure your daughter has clocked. She keeps coming out of her room put her back- put a stair gate on her room if she keeps at it. Remove toys, remove communication- physical violence means you don’t get to engage with mummy for 5mins. However tired or hungry you don’t get to be violent.

We had an explosive child and I do understand. I do think as we work we tend to busy people and do things faster than children can process.

I would recommend slowing things down at home.

We also had a few picture books about all sorts of things anger, telling the truth and kindness which is helpful to explain to the child about feelings and behaviour.

My DS used to get angry and would end up crying out of fear when he got angry. Talking about that "volcano in the stomach" which is how he described it helped to control it himself. He said that being angry and if we were angry made him sad.

I found the book started a useful dialogue on how to control it. This is not the book we used but a good example

I spend about half an hour with her or even more after school. We go to a cafe or we take her bike around for a spin a bit. No playgrounds nearby and frankly she doesn’t want to go to run around. Her dad finishes work early 2-3 time a week and he takes her out too. We don’t do any activities after school and there and everything else is constant. When WFH we finish at 5 pm and both spend time with her.

Thank you about a book recommendation. I will try that.

Following with interest as my reception age child is the same, although she's not an only child, and her siblings are perfectly calm and reasonable! She's recently started shouting that noone likes her and she's different to everyone else. We were contemplating trying to speak to school about it to see if anything is going on there because it's almost unbearable at this stage.

How much YouTube does she watch? What’s she like when you turn it off? It is now banned in our house as DS was horrible when he watched it. He still watches TV, I’ve not had to get rid of screens altogether but there was something about those godawful YouTube videos which made him rather unpleasant. He’s like a different child these days!

There is probably some truth in that but I was overly disciplined as a child and I don’t want that for her. Enforcing harsh measures in place for her won’t yield any positive results unfortunately as I tried that before. I am now more consistent and if she misbehaves she will lose some of her privileges.

I read reviews on different books, but reading a picture book when she isn't angry is a good way to start a constructive dialogue.

I know my DS did not like getting angry as it scared him. Also I do think they see and experience things at school they can't express. My DD used to burst into tears when she saw me on some days, I don't think they can articulate how their days are sometimes at school. Like our work some days must be stressful

You have my sympathy! I have asked the school and they told me she’s a delightful child, so loving and caring towards her friends and they love having her there…Errr…ok!

Fully understand that. It’s a very long day for a small child. I think equally my DD doesn’t like when we get mad at her behaviour. She’s sad we get mad but it’s not possible to be calm and collected when someone is kicking you and hitting you

Between 30 min to 1 hour probably 3-4 days a week. On the weekend is maybe 15 minutes. She goes crazy when I ask her to give the iPad back…I now pre warn her and tell her hi have 10 min, 5 min, 1 min…

How much sleep is she actually getting a night? My DD is the same age and turns into an absolute banshee when she hasn’t slept enough.

Enforcing harsh measures in place for her won’t yield any positive results I agree but what did I say that was harsh- I’m all for talking through melt downs but accepting physical violence is a slippery slope, you can talk to mummy and we can have a cuddle and a cry but if you hit you go to your room for x amount of time.
I think the key is the sleep- children need a good sleep routine to enable them to cope with school.

She sleeps from 8 pm to anything from 7am-8am…but often wakes up momentarily. It could be sleep apnea and we are seeing a specialist about it next week. I hope it is and she can have a surgery and that solves our issues!

I understand your point of view but you can’t make her do a time out or send her to her room. She’s uncontrollable. She will hit and scream and push you. I now go to my bedroom and lock myself to calm down while she’s with her dad but he can’t calm her down and I have to come back and hold her until she’s calm.

I have recently downloaded the Explosive Child book which seems to be all about solving whatever "problems" are the root cause of the anger. I'm not too sure that's going to help us but I'm prepared to try it next..! We do have a book of feelings (think it's called In My Heart or something similar) that my daughter sometimes asks to read and talk about when she's feeling overwhelmed, so I agree picture books may be a good tactic. We also once tried drawing in the immediate aftermath (once the full on screaming and lashing out had stopped) where she drew faces with progressively happier faces 😂

Mine is in breakfast and after school club 3-4 days a week however so I do suspect that's more her problem. Hope you manage to find some respite though!

Tried once. Screaming so much I thought the neighbours will call the police

It might be difficult if she is behaving well at school as they might not take you seriously, but try raising it with her teacher - they do need to be aware of issues at home. My advice is to focus on her wellbeing, because she clearly must be struggling if she's having so many meltdowns, and because that's how my DS's teacher took us seriously (he is a similar age and challenging in similar ways, not identical but can be hard work).

My DS was saying quite worrying things (he doesn't want to be alive ) and also hitting and biting himself - the teacher did notice him hit himself at school, which was weirdly a good thing because she believed us and took it seriously. They referred us for some MH support for him. I actually suspect that it's more than a MH issue as there is clearly some sensory stuff going on. I recently paid for a private OT assessment for him and I'm awaiting the full report but from what the OT told me on the day I know it's going to be incredibly useful. I think my DS might get some kind of diagnosis eventually but whatever the issue, it's "mild" and he's masking / "high functioning" enough for it to be too soon at the moment.

I managed to work out that DS's most challenging behaviour is often anxiety-driven (which wasn't obvious to me at first). I have read up about PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and whether he has it or not (hopefully not) I find the recommended strategies very helpful, they are working with him.

There is also a book called "The Explosive Child" which I haven't read yet but it's highly recommended. Maybe check it out.

Anyway I don't know if any of this is helpful. But some things to consider. Don't dismiss the possibility of some kind of neurodiversity or other issue, keep an open mind about what might be causing her meltdowns.

My last suggestion then, much like with a younger child’s tantrums you can’t punish at the time I get that now, try and ignore and walk away- as long as she’s somewhere safe- can you talk and enforce consequences after she’s calmed down?