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Original poster

Help me deal with my 4 (nearly 5 year old)!

35 replies

Poyyu23 · 27/04/2022 20:37

I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help. She’s fine at school, I presume masking her emotions, but at home, she’s so volatile. She can snap at anything and anytime. She will hit, bite and scream for ages. I was very understanding previously as she started school in September. But honestly, I can’t handle it anymore. We have so many meltdowns. She’s constantly screaming about something. I am done. I can’t be there managing her four meltdowns every hour! Is this freakin’ normal?!

An only child who has everything; we both work full time but arrange our work to pick her up and drop her off. Doesn’t have to attend either the breakfast club or an afternoon school club. Won’t do any after school activities, and we don’t push for it. We are taking all our leave separately to maximise our time with her over one million school holidays. I make sure she has enough playdates and sees her friends.

As I said, no issues at school nor previously at nursery. Has a good group of friends.

I am just exhausted from managing stressful work, being available for her and her constant meltdowns.

We are now looking for a therapist to help her deal with her anger issues.

It’s my only child, and I had her late in life, so I don’t have much to compare to, but she has always been demanding. wouldn’t do pram. Would only sleep with me - still does! I am glad I never had another child, as I mentally wouldn’t be able to do it!

Any suggestions?! Help, please. Does this gets better?! I know about the after school meltdowns, and I have tried to handle those, but enough is enough.

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Thinkbiglittleone · 27/04/2022 21:23

This sounds tough.

I agree with others about sleep.
I think children respond best when they have clear boundaries and know what it expected of them, consistent repercussions for failing to behave.
A good routine and a good amount of sleep.

Any violence is not acceptable, they need to be taught to use their words and other ways to express their emotions.
If you put them-in their bedroom, they must stay there, get a gate on the door or simply find something else as a punishment, not something that shows you can be ignored.

I hope your assessment helps and allows them to sleep better.

helloitsnotmeanymore · 27/04/2022 21:24

I'm going to go against the grain and say she's exhausted, she just needs to watch Tv / iPad and relax after school for a bit. I have this with my DS he can be quite 'teenage' on the way home from school, but a sit down with some fruit and a biscuit/ roll and the iPad and an hour later he's reset. I don't ask about his day straight after school and I don't make demands as he can't cope with it.

His routine is after his hour is up at 4.30 that is reading time. He's reluctant, but it's the rules or no iPad the next day. He reads his school reading book or similar to me and then does his spellings (he's year one) then he mooches about around me working or cooking in the kitchen, he not so much one to go off and play.

Once a week he goes to swimming, but only started that in year one. He couldn't cope with anything in reception. Kids are different, not all kids need nightly activities, don't be guilted into wearing them out.

Original poster
Poyyu23 · 27/04/2022 21:26

NameChange30 · 27/04/2022 21:19

It might be difficult if she is behaving well at school as they might not take you seriously, but try raising it with her teacher - they do need to be aware of issues at home. My advice is to focus on her wellbeing, because she clearly must be struggling if she's having so many meltdowns, and because that's how my DS's teacher took us seriously (he is a similar age and challenging in similar ways, not identical but can be hard work).

My DS was saying quite worrying things (he doesn't want to be alive Sad) and also hitting and biting himself - the teacher did notice him hit himself at school, which was weirdly a good thing because she believed us and took it seriously. They referred us for some MH support for him. I actually suspect that it's more than a MH issue as there is clearly some sensory stuff going on. I recently paid for a private OT assessment for him and I'm awaiting the full report but from what the OT told me on the day I know it's going to be incredibly useful. I think my DS might get some kind of diagnosis eventually but whatever the issue, it's "mild" and he's masking / "high functioning" enough for it to be too soon at the moment.

I managed to work out that DS's most challenging behaviour is often anxiety-driven (which wasn't obvious to me at first). I have read up about PDA (pathological demand avoidance) and whether he has it or not (hopefully not) I find the recommended strategies very helpful, they are working with him.

There is also a book called "The Explosive Child" which I haven't read yet but it's highly recommended. Maybe check it out.

Anyway I don't know if any of this is helpful. But some things to consider. Don't dismiss the possibility of some kind of neurodiversity or other issue, keep an open mind about what might be causing her meltdowns.

Thank you. That is very useful.

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helloitsnotmeanymore · 27/04/2022 21:26

Oh my Ds has his tonsils and adenoids out improved his sleep no end as had sleep apnea and dribbling issue. Always give the consultant the worse case version and sexist as it is it took my DH to attend an appointment for them to finally do it.

Whataboutno · 27/04/2022 21:27

My DD was like this and it was awful, you have my sympathy. Nothing I did made any difference, she got to 5 and just changed overnight pretty much. I think you just have to ride it out and be there for her until the storm passes so to speak.

She did no activities either, straight home watch TV and try and get her to unwind! Praying my second I'd not like it!

Whataboutno · 27/04/2022 21:28

*is not like it!

NameChange30 · 27/04/2022 21:30

helloitsnotmeanymore · 27/04/2022 21:24

I'm going to go against the grain and say she's exhausted, she just needs to watch Tv / iPad and relax after school for a bit. I have this with my DS he can be quite 'teenage' on the way home from school, but a sit down with some fruit and a biscuit/ roll and the iPad and an hour later he's reset. I don't ask about his day straight after school and I don't make demands as he can't cope with it.

His routine is after his hour is up at 4.30 that is reading time. He's reluctant, but it's the rules or no iPad the next day. He reads his school reading book or similar to me and then does his spellings (he's year one) then he mooches about around me working or cooking in the kitchen, he not so much one to go off and play.

Once a week he goes to swimming, but only started that in year one. He couldn't cope with anything in reception. Kids are different, not all kids need nightly activities, don't be guilted into wearing them out.

Yes, this too. DS is never up to much after school and is calmest when we give him a substantial snack (we take it to school as he always wants it straight away) and then let him watch TV. I stressed about TV a lot before but I've realised that he kinds of needs it to relax and wind down. If he has warning (we use a visual timer and verbal reminders) and if we let him watch to the end of an episode, he will stop without a tantrum.

orangetriangle · 27/04/2022 21:41

Is she very bright my niece nearly 4 can have quite volatile tantrums at time and her sleep is often all over the place

Original poster
Poyyu23 · 27/04/2022 21:53

Thank you everyone so much. A lot of helpful messages. Good night. Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day!

OP posts:
orangeisthenewpuce · 27/04/2022 21:54

OP she can control herself. She manages at school. I agree with the post that said she's learnt that shouting and hitting gets her her own way and upsets you. I agree with getting a gate on her bedroom and every time she does this she's put in her room and has to stay there. If she escapes put her back. Even if you have to do it 50 times.

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