Should we have more children

[Nutcracker12]

Hi I’m 34 years old and already have 2 children a 10 year old and a 6 year old. My problem is should we have more? I love being a mum and the thought of them growing up kills me, my life literally revolves around them. We wanted more children after our 2nd child but life got in the way and the thought of another baby was pushed aside. I would still like to add to our family but now our children are older I am enjoying this stage where we can all go out together and do things like go cinema and out for a meal, bike rides longer hikes, theam parks and it’s also nice to be able to just get on and do the house work as they can occupies them selves. I really don’t want the toddler stage again with all the toys and the mess but I also feel in a few years time I will feel board and lost without them being around as much, I really enjoy taking them on days out and I feel that my children make my life worth living and the make me experience things I would never do on my own. Also in my family there is negativity around having more than 2 children so I am really scared about telling my family if I have another baby, also we currently live in a small 2 bedroom house but have just been given a 3 bed house by the council so both my children are excited about having there own room and if we have more children it would mean them sharing again, my husband is also happy to have more children and his concerns are the same as mine, it’s been on my mind for the last year and I have lost a lot of sleep over the situation, I want to know if any one else is in my situation and how they cope with the big age difference between there children? All I have read is negative thing about children with big age gaps.
thanks for reading

the thought of them growing up kills me

That's one of the saddest things I've ever read on here.

So you want to have another baby to replace your existing children? What's wrong with enjoying your relationship with them as they grow and enjoying seeing them develop their lives?

Another child will grow up too. What then? Going to talk about them in the same horrific way? Try to replace them?

Your mindset is the problem, not the blessing of your living children growing older.

What would be in the best interests of your children? 11 years would be a bog age gap to manage.

I wouldn’t in your position. I have one and count myself incredibly lucky. I think you should maybe try and expand your own interests a little so you have a life outside of your children.

This!

Surely if you had a third, you’d just be kicking the can down the road on what you apparently would view as a total loss of meaning in your life. So then you’d “need” a 4th. And a 5th. And then when you couldn’t have any more, you’d feel just as bereft.

I think you need to focus on your mindset instead. Your life inherently has value and meaning, children or no children.

My sister was like this. Has a 7 and an 8 year old and was dsbating whether to try for a third. Then looked after my 6 week old daughter for the afternoon. Whilst she loves my daughter she remembered how hard it was to be tied down and not be able to just go out and do what they liked....and she'd forgotten about the crying.

Honestly a complete stranger cannot tell you whether to have another child.

My dad had a big age gap with his siblings and they were all close growing up and now. But it's a really personal choice and it's one you and your husband have to make together - no one else's opinion matters.

Op I have an almost 10 year old and a 6 year old. I think it’s brilliant how independent they are now. We can do so many fun things and I can give them my attention. I can’t imagine going back to sleepless nights and bottles and potty training and peppa pig. You would also have a teen and a toddler which sounds exhausting. I think that even when your children are more independent in a few years time, they will still need you and your attention. They won’t be gone. I think you need to think about what is best for the children you currently have as opposed to what is best for you really.

So what happens when the 3rd child starts to grow up? You will keep having babies until you can't?

You need a hobby or a pet.

No, absolutely don’t do it. Do you work? Have hobbies? Time to start being you again.

I think you should focus on enjoying your children at the lovely ages they currently are and have some breathing space before they head into teenage years. And also start thinking and planning for life once they’ve grown up and have moved out.

@Nutcracker12

I completely understand I have 3, and one on the way. If it's something you as a woman can think you can manage and u have the love and support of ur husband then why not !! It's a sibling for ur two children and yes it will be difficult for the first period of time but u have older children who will not require as much as the baby will I fact they can be ur little helpers. I have a 17 year old. 10 year old and a 3 year old.
Some people are born to be mothers and have natural mothering instincts. Don't be put down by negative comments... the only thing I might suggest is make sure it's for the right reason and not because you feel lost or lonely. In that case fill up ur day with a hobby ..... or something but if it's because you want to expand your family and want a sibling to join ur family then yes why not !!! Xx.

To give a different point of view, I have DC age 6 and 7 and I am pregnant with dc3. I have so many mixed feelings about it as I feel we are in that sweet spot of life with 2 school age children and the stresses of toddlerdom and preschool is over.
However I never felt like our family was complete and always wanted 3.

You're always going to be a mum, whatever age your children are, I felt I would regret not having a third more, than having a third. Unfortunately we are not blessed with hindsight.

Ultimately its your decision and nobody can tell you whether it's the right choice or not.

You need your life to stop revolving around your children.

Thank you Januarybirthdays, for understanding. It’s something I really wanted 3/4 year’s ago when I was still in the baby stage with my youngest but my husband had a break down from work, so with him being in a bad way it wasn’t the best time to bring another child into the world. I would get extremely jealous of women that were pregnant or women who had another baby as it was something I wanted so much at the time. But as my children have gotten older and more independent it’s nice to be able to do things as a family and another baby would mean starting again. But I can’t shake the feeling of wanting a bigger family. But I feel like iv now left it to late. And no I would never want to replace my children I love them both very much I’m just not ready to stop being a mum, even tho of course you are always a mum I encourage my children to be independent and allow them to have a range of different experience’s even without me, I hardly see my 10 year old in the summer holidays as she has such a busy personal life, which she really enjoys and I’m so happy that she is growing into a responsible amazing young lady. Yes I do have a job but again my job has had to fit around my children as I have no help from family ( they would help more if they could but they don’t live close by) I did start a hobby during lockdown which I do when I have some free time. But my main enjoyment is being with my children, but like I said there are certain things now they are older I don’t want to really do again, I think I would just like a ready made 3yo 😂 and skip the toddler years.

Op I know exactly how you feel. There’s nothing wrong with it! Some people really enjoy the chaos of young kids. I do too.

An emotional urge is always going to outweigh small practicalities (as long as they’re not insurmountable ones) in your mind. You’re still young enough for sure, it’s not too late.

What you won’t have this time, though, is what you probably had when your older two were young - siblings who play together.

No one can make the choice for you though - good luck with whatever you decide!

To an extent this makes sense, but I'm also intrigued why others have had kids? For the good of the nation, I suppose, not for any selfish reasons, obviously.

It's normal to miss them being little, as long as you're realistic about what another baby would actually involve.

Sometimes you just can't shake that maternal yearning , I started again when my dc were , 12, 16 and 20. As long as you are fully prepared for sleepless nights , and the logistics of having such a gap and you are both on board then by all means crack on .

This! I think it’s sad that your life revolves around your kids. Find other interests to get involved in. Your kids are older why start all over again? No matter how many kids you have they will grow up and leave you.

I felt I wanted a third, I got a kitten instead.

^The thought of them growing up kills me, my life literally revolves around them,
children make my life worth living^
This is really disturbing, OP.

I think you know the answer to this is no, definitely not.

It would a huge strain on you and the kids and your husband.

There’s a lot of sadness in your post OP - is your husband better now? If you aren’t feeling great in yourself go and see the GP.

it is sad as kids grow up, but their more grown up stages are great because you can do more as you say. You need to slowly start building your life up, and on a practical note - get a kitten to go with the new house.

Sorry but you can't provide for more surely- your existing children are excited to finally get their own room and you will be taking that away from them.

You are only thinking if your wants and desires here.

No

Kids grow up
So would another
Why not Enrich your life in other ways ?