To be upset by this or not?

[Muma2one]

So to give a bit of background information, my dd is 2 and the only way to get her to sleep is to breastfeed her to sleep. Which I am happy with unless she is feeding for a long time to get to sleep and not showing any signs of drifting off. Which is what was happening last night. She started to say that she wanted to go downstairs and see daddy. Instead we asked him upstairs to read a story, after 5 minutes he said I’m going downstairs now, I’m not wasting any more of my Saturday night up here. I said that that wasn’t really very supportive. He then said you come down as well then. After about twenty more minutes I went down with her as well and shortly after he disappeared upstairs. I just want him to be more of a help with bedtime and at least try and get her to sleep if breastfeeding isn’t working that night. Am I being unreasonable?

Your h was rude and unhelpful. Does he have form for this? What's he like usually?

Does he have any bright ideas on how to help your dd to self settle, or does he leave all that up to you?

Your husband is being lazy. He should be supporting you to settle her or to make changes at bedtime (if you want to stop feeding to sleep). It's all very well to say "I'm not wasting any more time on this", but he's been happy enough for you to have to responsibility of feeding her to sleep all this time

It's not playing up though really. If we are uncomfortable and can't sleep as adults no one makes it about us being badly behaved.

The OP said it didn't work for one night not that it's not working in general. Her post is about her unhelpful husband.

I would be going out at bedtime every night for at least a week to break the habit.

you seem to be working to a date schedule rather than a developmental one. How close to 2 is she? Has she not attempted to get out of her cot yet? Did you go back to work? Or are you a sahm?

Nothing wrong with bfing to sleep at 2. I stopped just before DS was 2. When it works it’s great but when it doesn’t it’s so frustrating! Your dp gets to relax and not do any bedtimes so yes, he should have been more helpful. Maybe agree a routine where you split bedtimes and she has a bf before hand then a story then bed? When I stopped bfing my son to sleep, I told him beforehand (a day or so in advance and repeated it a few times) it was going to happen then gave him a cup of warm milk, stories x 2, teeth, cuddle then sleep. It takes longer initially but worth persevering and then your DP can do some of the bedtimes himself.

I think a lot of people in general come from the point of view of formula fed/already weaned from breastmilk as the norm. Breastfeeding is supposed to make babies cosy, relaxed and sleepy and is meant to encourage them to nod off to sleep. In my experience, people often have an arbitrary point in time when they feel that your baby is 'too old' for breastfeeding and this has to do with their own opinions rather than any science. I've lived in a few countries where extended breastfeeding (i.e. past 2) is completely the norm, because, biologically speaking, it is. The data also shows that breastfeeding to sleep has a completely different outcome on teeth to formula feeding to sleep, so those assumptions are wrong for a start.

A PP made a great comment when she said she fed to sleep until it stopped working but you seem happy to go on for the time being (until the summer if I remember).

I breastfed my last child until she was 1, and my husband definitely took over on the nights it wasn't working. She was still really hard to settle for a year after I weaned her, so don't think that weaning will mean you will have a child who can miraculously jump into their cot and nod off by themselves.

Also, I think that bearing the brunt of the work as a breastfeeding mother does come with certain downfalls like this, that it will all fall on you. Ask your husband how he feels about everything and factor that in in your decision going forward.

Breastfeeding is such a deep emotional journey at times, and often when you complain or reach out for support, you can get blamed for bringing it on yourself by 'still doing it'. I think with breastfeeding, you generally don't look back and think 'I did that for too long' so keep going until it doesn't work for anyone anymore. Talk to your husband and see what comes up.

Hope all goes well, and well done for feeding your baby for so long!

I still feed my 3 Yr old to sleep. I wouldn't post about on mumsnet tho cos it's always anti bf here.

If you did want to stop feeding to sleep the easiest way would be for your partner to do bedtime.

The problem here really is your partner though, I can't imagine making that "wasting time" comment.

I BF my dd to sleep till 3 when 90% of naps were dropped and she could understand. I followed cues and rubbed dc back instead to soothe to sleep. After a while it moved to reading a story with a comforting hand on their back, then dropped to just a story. It wound down nicely and was a nice end to BF, I don't even know when the last feed was. I don't regret any of it.

You aren't UR to get a bit frustrated when things don't run so smoothly but it's always temporary. Also not UR to be upset at DH being unsupportive but he's only human too. Have a chat about it and come up with a plan for next time. Make sure you both get a break and take care of each other then you're both more about to cope with the hiccups that inevitably come with young children.

I breastfed my two to sleep until they were three. Then I lay with the older one until she was four. With my second, after weaning I lay with her for a couple of nights, then sat by the bed for a few then by the door. I think you get the drift. I wish I had done that with the first. Laying with the first was something both me and dh could do and we both got resentful about it as we would fall asleep and have no evening.

However, I would not do it differently as my children are now adults and are really secure in themselves and have many healthy relationships. I also have very close relationships with both. Others will be on to say that their adult kids are too but that they did controlled crying. I always followed my gut and did what felt right. I still feel that I did the right thing 20+ years later.

IMO babies are meant to be close to us, breastfeeding to sleep is a mix of last bottle and a dummy- but they get the real McCoy.

The reason they want babies and mums separated is it makes it easier to get more people working to feed the economy.

You are doing the best for your child, well done you.

The OP said it didn't work for one night not that it's not working in general. Her post is about her unhelpful husband.

But if she bf to sleep how can the father help with settling?

Easy. Little ones do different things for different people. I breastfeed to sleep but my husband and mum have their own ways of getting her to sleep. Kids know it's only their mum who can give breast milk at this age.

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. Can imagine the insistence that BF to sleep was the issue was very unhelpful for you. It's sadly quite predictable in our culture though.

Just wanted to add my child was BF to sleep until he was 4 and it has caused no issues with his teeth and our bedtime routine has always been nice and relaxed and he usually goes off to sleep within minutes in his little floor bed that he has had since he was about 1.5.

If ever he was resisting (not often) I took it to mean he wasnt tired enough and jusy brought him down for a few stories or a puzzle or some other type of calm play. After half hour of that he was usually ready. A late daytime nap was the usual cause.

He now goes to sleep with daddy while i take care of the baby. They have their own routine with brushing teeth, pyjamas, stories and then they tell a few knock knock jokes in the dark and he goes off to sleep easily. My husband has done teeth and pjs and stories for a long time now, and used to hand over to me for a last feed to finish him off. So it has been a fairly smooth transition to take the BF away and has happened fairly naturally without too much forcing. I would definitely recommend your husband starts being included in the bedtime routine in a similar way to start a gentle transition and get used to him being a normal part of the routine.

You’ve had some unfair responses OP, and I never breastfed so no skin in that particular game.

Some people are just fixated on the idea that children should, from a young age, be put in their own bed to sleep alone and left
to it.

If feeding to sleep normally works for you and you’re happy to keep going then fine. If last night was not just a one off but starts to be a pattern then maybe you need to look at other ways.

Either way you need a conversation with your husband. ‘When you said bedtime was wasting your Saturday night it made me feel upset and undervalued, like it was ok for my night to be ‘wasted’ but not yours. What was going on for you when you said that? Do you think we could work together to come up for a plan for those nights when bedtime doesn’t work so smoothly? It would be helpful if you had some strategies for settling dd too, so I feel supported and like it’s not always down to me’.

I don’t breastfeed but my nearly 2 year old still only really settles for me at bedtime, however if I’m not in the house/ not an option, she’ll go down for DH just fine. Sometimes I go for a walk/ drive just because I need it not to be me that night for whatever reason. Other times DH supports by doing bathtime, or stepping in on the odd time it really is dragging and I’m getting wound up - she will cry at the switch but he’ll stay with her and comfort her whilst I take a few deep breaths/ have a wee/ get a drink then when I get back in she usually settles much more quickly.

Thank you all for reassurance, I feel much more positive now than at the start of the thread! I didn’t realise I’d get the responses I was getting! Breastfeeding is amazing and my daughter is thriving and we have an amazing bond. Partner does bath time and we get her dressed together and then he brushes her teeth before bringing her to me for her bedtime feed. He is really involved which is lovely, it was just that comment he made that upset me and how he felt entitled to rest! I will talk to him later and discuss a plan of action for if this happens in the future. Calming stories and puzzles is a good suggestion.

Thank you, it’s lovely to see a positive and helpful comment from someone who doesn’t breastfeed as well as those that do. That sounds like a good idea to go for a walk or a drive when you just need it not to be you. Will also definitely have that conversation and hopefully will get a positive response from it. Thank you

Yikes! The first responses are a bit... weird!

It is normal to still be bf at 2, and also to bf to sleep. That's not the problem.

I agree that your dh and many pp seem to think that the problem is YOURS to solve. And that's the issue. Because you bf, you've got to solve how to settle her when bf doesn't work.

We took it differently. I bf all mine to sleep (till 2 or 3 depending on the child), and when it stopped working, as you describe, and they would still be awake we started a new routine. I'd bf them, if they fell asleep quickly then great, but if they didn't, he'd take over and sing/ tell stories in the dark room until they either were sleepy enough to put into bed, which he would do, or if they became tired and unsettled, I'd pop back in and do a final quick feed and put them into bed.

So gradually it shifted over to the new routine as they learnt they didn't need milk. But it took both of us doing our bit to get that to work. My dh didn't just say bedtime was my problem and would only do it if it involves nothing other than plonking a kid in bed!

Routines and habits can be changed gently and successfully if you're both on board. No need to put her in her bed and just leave her, which would be a big change from bf to sleep.

All mine are able to be put in bed, quick story and song, then lights off and sleep now. So bf to sleep as toddlers doesn't ruin them for life ;) mine are now 7, 4, 3 and youngest still feeding to sleep at almost 2. Oldest 3 all asleep in minutes on their own.

But again, totally normal to still be bf at 2! I've lived in 4 countries with my various babies, and the UK is the only one where bf is seen as a weird and unnatural thing.

It sounds like you don't have a routine. Feeding to sleep means that your dd is reliant not just on the comfort of the feed but also on being cuddled by you while she drifts off. You need to break that association so you can both do a routine that works for everyone. Drink story into bed and leave. Return every few mins gradually increasing time away. You want him to help with something time consuming which is unlikely to go well. Most 2 year old do not feed to sleep.

So you say he's normally an involved and active parent. Does he get involved in other aspects of child rearing too? Feeding her,playing, teaching her etc?

Does he agree with the feeding to sleep method? Have you had any conversations about it before? Has he suggested other ways to get her to sleep and you refused?

I stopped feeding to sleep at around 14 months and night weaned at the same time. It meant DP doing all bed times and night wakings for a couple of weeks and now it's easy for either of us to put him down. You need your husband to play a bigger role here,

I breastfed mine to sleep until 2.6 and then I got pregnant and explained to DS that he is a big boy now with big teeth and doesn’t need breast milk. The first two nights he got just a little teary (not crying) and asked for daddy (I guess my milk smell was upsetting), then I took back sleep time on night 3 and just cuddled and sang him to sleep (still do now at nearly 3).
From my experience bedtime drags out if: not enough exercise in the day; day sleep; room not dark enough; developmental leap.

Also ignore the nonsense about breast milk harming teeth. It’s categorically untrue - as any good dentist will tell you.

@BunniesGonnaHop me too, and the UK was the only place where people act like you're into some kind of abnormal fetishism for breastfeeding past 6 weeks. Someone in the UK was absolutely horrified when I was bfing my then 9 month old, saying I should have stopped. I wish I'd told her to go and tell the World Health Organisation that they'd made a mistake!

@crossstitchingnana you are bang on about the economy!

I BF my 3 year old to sleep, sometimes it can take longer so we cuddle and read stories or chat, but he isn’t allowed to leave his bedroom.

the stage in between when they sometimes need a nap and sometimes don’t can be difficult to get the balance right.

If your partner has never done bedtime then he ‘clocks off’ in his head and his parenting is done for the day bf mother’s don’t tend to have that mindset as we know they could wake up at any point and need us.

I wouldn’t have liked his comment either, do you feel like a lot is left to you?

I think many two year olds feed to sleep still

I don't know any 2 year olds that are still breastfed... I know some would be but I think being breastfed at that age wouldn't be overly common and less so that they'd need to be fed to sleep.
I wouldn't be doing that and I am not surprised your husband isn't going to promote the pandering. YABU.

Breastfeeding your two year old to sleep is fine as long as it is working for you. You may want to think about whether this is still working for you. If it is, then carry on. If it’s not then it’s time to make a change. I loved breastfeeding my toddler, and met lots of people that did the same. I only stopped when I became sick, because it wasn’t working for me anymore.