To be upset by this or not?

[Muma2one]

So to give a bit of background information, my dd is 2 and the only way to get her to sleep is to breastfeed her to sleep. Which I am happy with unless she is feeding for a long time to get to sleep and not showing any signs of drifting off. Which is what was happening last night. She started to say that she wanted to go downstairs and see daddy. Instead we asked him upstairs to read a story, after 5 minutes he said I’m going downstairs now, I’m not wasting any more of my Saturday night up here. I said that that wasn’t really very supportive. He then said you come down as well then. After about twenty more minutes I went down with her as well and shortly after he disappeared upstairs. I just want him to be more of a help with bedtime and at least try and get her to sleep if breastfeeding isn’t working that night. Am I being unreasonable?

Feeding to sleep is still normal at her age. It's probably the comfort factor of feeding that she's looking for (which is just as important as getting milk!) My DD stopped feeding to sleep a while before that age but still needs a dummy at 2.5 for comfort - same deal. I only stopped feeding to sleep because it wasn't getting her to sleep though! If feeding to sleep isn't working now you could try other strategies to get her to sleep which your partner can and should be a part of. I'd at least expect his support and solidarity if you're doing and have been doing the majority of the bedtime routine. Where is she sleeping? Can you do a quick feed and then your partner reads her a story, gives her a cuddle in bed? It will be an adjustment for her so expect it to take a while for her to get used to a new routine. Then you can decide if you want to continue with the quick feed or start dropping that too.

I know how easy it is to get into bad habits but this sounds really unhealthy for everyone.
Her teeth might suffer a bit too with the feeding to sleep.

I fed to sleep until it stopped working.

It's stopping working for you so you need a transition plan.

I did controlled crying for both mine and we returned to the process at various points over their toddler years.

If you want your partner's help you have to discuss together what you're going to do next. He can't help you with breastfeeding.

What do you do when you go out, either just you or with your partner? How does she settle then with him or a babysitter?

Thank you for your reply that addresses the issue in a kind way. I do all the bed times, how does your DC cope with not breastfeeding on DH nights and what routine works for you? How old is DC if you don’t mind me asking?

Just to add OP I bf all mine to sleep (not bad for clean teeth due to components of milk and because milk isn’t pooling round teeth anyway) and as they got 2-3 they naturally started to settle without. I never taught any sleep habits as they are developmental it’s just culturally to many have too little understanding of what longer term bf lookalike. All the posts with judgement or shoulds or musts are wrong - you can do what you want and are still allowed to ask dp to be involved. The only thing stopping him from being able to settle his own child is his attitude.

kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/tooth-decay/ helpful on feeding to sleep and tooth decay - the takeaway point is good tooth hygiene is really important to get rid of sugars on the teeth from other food and drink prior to feeding to sleep, but breastmilk on it's own isn't an issue.

You’re going to have to actively wean her off it though. She is dependent on it and probably
unlikely to willingly stop herself now.

look up some weaning guides maybe. I actively weaned my son and it worked well (however he was much younger).

it will be hard for a while but you’re going to have to take a step back and get your partner to do some heavy lifting at bedtimes so she is less reliant on you. Hopefully then you will have more of an even balance at bedtimes.

is he prepared to do this and do you both know what will be involved?

Might be wrong but does your husband just want to implement a slightly harsher just leave her to get to sleep method and you are against it?

Well done for BF for so long OP, it's really an achievement. Quite normal for a BF 2 year old to still fall asleep at night with a BF. My dentist said it wasn't a problem for my DD to feed after cleaning her teeth earlier in the evening so don't worry about that. The truth is, your DH could have helped more last night, but it is hard when they usually feed to sleep. I recently weaned my toddler and was scared about how bedtime would work. But suddenly she's fine with some cows milk and then a cuddle to sleep - so when you are ready it's worth trying. It took much less time than I thought it would.

Thank you to all of those that agree breastfeeding a 2 year old to sleep is completely normal. I was feeling very stressed anyway and some of these posts have made me feel terrible! It normally does work to get her to sleep, she’s asleep within minutes, she had a longer nap yesterday which probably meant she just wasn’t tired, but still I expected help from my partner. The reason I say summer is because by then I plan on dropping her nap completely so will eliminate day time feeding, we also plan on transitioning her to a toddler bed then as she currently sleeps in a cot in her own room.

What happens when you go out for the evening to see friends or do something for yourself?

Perhaps try starting to alternate bedtimes, he puts her in bed after a story and cuddle and leaves her to settle. Children will do different things for different people

Sounds like the nap was the issue then - keep an eye on that over the next few days and hopefully it'll fix it. It could be worth considering having your partner take over bedtime one day a week and finding his own way of getting her to sleep? You'd get the mental break of knowing it's not all on you.

sorry you’re not getting much support here OP, I think your DH was not being very helpful and it would have annoyed and upset me. I breast-fed my daughter to sleep until just after her 2nd birthday, and I think plenty of people do this. To wean her off my DH took over from bedtimes for a while, so that took feeding out of the equation, I would think that might be good for you to do too. Only took us a few nights I think. But she did still want someone there with her while she fell asleep, so we did stay with her, and bedtime wasn’t always quick and easy. I don’t think all children can self settle easily. My DD is 3 now and bedtime is much quicker.
Good luck, and hope you get some more support from your DH

Your DP was not being very helpful with bedtime, and that would annoy me. You have a way (bf) that works the majority of the time, which is great, but you need your DP to be willing to help too.

Ideally I'd look at having some nights where you give an earlier feed downstairs and then go out and leave your DP to do bedtime. But he would need to be on board.

My DS is 3 and still likes to be bf before bed, but doesn't fall asleep feeding. This makes it easier for me to go out. This just happened though (stopped feeding to sleep at 8m) so no super skills on my part!

Why did you take her back downstairs? All that teaches her is if she plays up she stays up.

Also I'm not sure why you are just looking for people who reply and agree with you, what you are doing isn't working, a different approach is required.

Gosh people on here are so weird. If posters don't breastfeed to sleep then how do they know so much about it to comment on in?!

I breastfeed my 19 month old to sleep but my husband and mum can also put her down for bed no issue. So it's nonsense what people are saying. Plus you've said it usually only takes a short while. It was this one occasion that you were struggling (like happens with all bed time routines, not just feeding ones!!) and would have appreciated some help from your husband, who reacted selfishly. I would have been very upset by his response.
Especially as he buggered off when you came down anyway! Your husband either needs to step up and take on more bedtimes (if you want him to) or accept that some evenings when you have a toddler are incredibly frustrating.

I think maybe your dp was frustrated because your toddler has you dancing to her tune as bedtime. You breastfeed her to sleep sometimes for long periods of time, but then when she wanted daddy, he was summoned, then when she wanted to go downstairs off you all went. For as long as she can run the show like this she won't settle easily. Sit down with your dp and decide on a routine (get him to do his bit too) maybe you breastfeed for 15 minutes then he does one story, tuck in and goodnight. Then stick to it and let her know what the boundaries are.

I’m not only looking for opinions that agree with me. I was asking whether I was being unreasonable for being upset at DP for his response! I wasn’t asking to be slated about breastfeeding my daughter and lectured about her teeth. So the comments that portray breastfeeding in a positive way which is how it should be portrayed as well as the comments that offer positive solutions to how DP should and could be more involve are the kind of posts I appreciate more.

He doesn't help with bedtimes as you are still breastfeeding her to sleep, the nights it doesn't work you have already eaten into the evening by trying. The best thing for everyone would probably be to try and come up with a new routine. A breastfeed downstairs before heading up for nighttime routine? He would need to do that part for a while though, ideally with you out of the house so she doesn't cry until you give in. Breastfeeding that age is great, but it doesn't mean feeding to sleep, and it's important to do teeth after as the depth of the latch changes as they get older.

I still bf my nearly 3 year old to sleep.

In this situation if she had a longer nap and wasn’t tired then she wasn’t going to sleep for anyone, I would have got her up rather than keeping trying. Do you go to sleep when you’re not tired? 2 is a funny age for sleep and she maybe ready to drop her nap soon.

I completely agree I shouldn’t of gone downstairs. I went downstairs to seek support. I was shocked and disappointed in him that he just left me upstairs because he had to ‘enjoy his Saturday night.’

Oh and in this situation my DH would have taken the responsibility for supervising the 2 year old while she pottered around until she was tired.

That’s true, in the past when this has happened we have just let her stay up if she wasn’t tired. She was yawning a bit this time though which made me think she was goi no to fall asleep