If you used gentle parenting how did it turn out?

[Rinatinabina]

There have been quite few references to gentle parenting on mumsnet recently, many of them seem to confuse gentle parenting with permissive parenting. So gentle parenting is recognising developmental stages, recognising and validating feelings, enforcing boundaries in a gentle, firm and consistent way. No reward chards, naughty steps, shouting etc. not permissive parenting or attachment parenting (although I recognise attachment parenting and gentle parenting go hand in hand for some)

if you used gentle parenting techniques how do you feel about the outcomes? I’ve been trying to implement it more and DD’s tantrums have definitely reduced in number and intensity. It actually takes a lot of effort to stay calm (I find it harder than being a shouty parent but I think it is better in that everything is slightly calmer and DD seems happier).

DS is 9 now and I have used the Gentle Parenting approach (along with attachment style in the early days) and I am so glad you posted this as I too have noticed Gentle Parenting getting slagged off on this site when what they are describing is Permissive Parenting.

My son is kind and thoughtful, strong sense of right and wrong. Really quite good at self-regulating emotions, and able to come to us for help when feeling overwhelmed.
I would say we're in a phase of anxiety in some social settings at the moment and he has reverted a little bit to clinging to me initially until he feels able to join in (at which point his confidence soars and I don't see him for dust)

Overall I think it's turned out well for us. He understands boundaries and how to behave in certain situations, he doesn't bottle his emotions up and is very good at articulating them both with us and people outside the family.

I'm not super far in, I started it/discovered it when DS was a year old. I had no parenting strategy that I was aware of. I was very reactive and that coupled with lack of sleep made me a horrible person and horrible mother. Even if I managed to stop myself shouting I would hiss at him and feel awful as I did it.
Understanding both my behaviour and his plus acknowledging the role of my own upbringing was really impactful.

He's now 2.5 and a very happy, well adjusted little boy. We have a good relationship and I enjoy parenting him. It's gotten easier and easier to control my emotions, take a deep breath and respond rather than react.

Social media such as BigLittleFeelings and a few others on Instagram have really helped me surround myself with the techniques I need.

I have a friend who says she uses gentle parenting but is actually just permissive. Her son took a toy out of a specific area at soft play and it took an hour of her negotiating with him until I went and got it back (part of the negotiation, I didn't get sick of it and intervene without permission although I was close to it!). Her son was crying at times, mischievously giggling at others. He clearly didn't understand the boundary or the reason for it. If it was my son there would have been an initial request to bring it back with an explanation of why, a firmer request (despite gentle parenting a stern "mum voice" seems to work really well with him!) And then I would have physically intervened. Situation would have been resolved in less that 5 minutes and he would have felt secure. I feel like my friend's son probably doesn't know who is in charge which must be unsettling!

I’ve just started (DD is 2.5) was feeling like an utter failure and feeling quite enraged a lot of the time. I was starting to shout and it was creating a horrible cycle of me feeling ashamed of myself and more negativity towards DD. Really toxic if I’m being brutally honest with myself. I still get it wrong some days but I’m hoping to keep improving.

I tried “how to talk so kids will listen” but I found “the book you wish your parents had read” just spoke to me more, I’m going to finish that and go back to “how to talk”. I think I had to take a step back to my own childhood to be able to take a step forward.

the point about self regulating emotions is so important to me, I struggled with my own mental health as I wasn’t able to really identify how I felt or contain my emotions. DH had anger management therapy and it was the same problem, inability to accurately recognise and pause feelings.

I’m glad to hear it becomes easier to manage your own feelings with practice. A big fear I have is that it will always be a struggle for me.

a lot of the chat I’ve seen seems to suggest it’s pandering and makes children ego-centric but I can’t help but to think it creates a healthy ego with respect for your own boundaries and those of other people. Perry’s book really helped me reframe it as acknowledging and respecting instead of winning a battle and looking for obedience. I think it really brought home why my own behaviour was so dysfunctional for a long time.

Yeah, it definitely becomes easier with practice and, as corny as they feel to use at first, having stock phrases to almost robotically repeat helps in the moment when you just need a plan.
"You're feeling angry that you can't watch more TV, it's ok to feel angry. It's time for dinner now. We can watch some more TV tomorrow"
So much easier than shouting "because I said so" over and over again 🙃

I didn’t intentionally use any technique, im just a gentle person. I’ve never used harsh punishments, or shouted. My children, now adults and teens, are calm, quiet, well behaved. However, they are also lazy and unmotivated. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I read the Philippa Perry book before our daughter (nearly 3) was born and I found it life changing on a personal level. My husband also read it and we are on the same page re parenting approach, which helps.

I wouldn't label how I approach parenting as 'gentle' - it doesn't describe it well imo. It's just about calmly asserting boundaries and empathising with emotions. So far it seems to be working for us, but it does need quite a high level of self awareness and emotional intelligence from the parents. This is the hardest part and definitely an ongoing process.

Yeah thats how I see it, I think it’s probably mis-named a bit becuase it doesn’t really encompass how important boundaries are in gentle parenting. I don’t really call it that either. I don’t really call it anything.

Why do you think that is? Genuine question.

Yup definitely finding this quicker than the toddler vs parent death spiral argument.

It shouldn’t be called gentle parenting, just parenting! Then it might get less stick.

We understand enough about how children’s brains work that this should be the norm (obviously easier said than done to parents who are struggling).

Watching with interest. I think my main interest is in what it’s like when they grow up.

I didn't read any books either, but think my parenting style (and DH's) is 'gentle' but with strong boundaries.
Between us we have 3 kids raised this way (ex wife also similar!) two in their 20's and one teen. They are all great, were/are easy at home, helpful, hard working and well motivated. It's worked very well for us and them I think.

I think it's just...Good parenting isn't it? Surely nobody wants to shout and yell or punish or just do "Because I say so!" or have sully obedience ? And everyone wants to be in a close warm relationship with their children?

I think just any exploration of how to do parenting includes a)look at your own needs and make sure you're not acting out through your children. b) be respectful of their feelings. c) set boundaries that are clear. d) don't go apeshit and take it personally when boundaries are tested.

Nothing gentle about it. It also works for management & adult relationships...

Yes and love how the kids/our relationship is turning out now they're older. Punishments wont work once they are teens so in my mind although its a lot of work when they are young its worth it to develop a good foundation for older years.

We dont do permissive either. Quite a few homeschooling friends of ours claim to gently parent and I can see why they give it a bad name from the outside.

Its one of those things where most people will look at others and say "theyre permissive" but not see it in themselves or see others as stricter etc I think.

i think just any exploration of how to do parenting includes a)look at your own needs and make sure you're not acting out through your children. b) be respectful of their feelings. c) set boundaries that are clear. d) don't go apeshit and take it personally when boundaries are tested

I think this sums it up nicely 😀

Yes, it really is more about how to behave in relationships in general rather than specifically adult-child.

Surely it's just about modelling being a well rounded, emotionally literate human being. And that definitely takes practice (well it does for me!).

My parents were quite gentle in their approach even though it was the 90s. No smacking, shouting or harsh punishment but we were always aware of how we were expected to behave. I had a happy childhood I felt very loved and secure. I try to do the same with my toddler now.

Yes to @BiscuitLover3678

I didn’t know I’d done a “style”, but did this with DS as it’s my natural style, and he’s turned out very well so far. He’s 13. Easy, polite, motivated.

*I recognise I sound smug and may well live to rue the day I posted this 😃. Wouldn’t change my approach though.

My parents were "gentle parents" before it had that name. But in the 90s they were very obviously different for rejecting the popular gina ford techniques and my mum (an educational psychologists) basically used attachment theory to inform their parenting. I always felt safe, that's my main sense of how I feel about my childhood - I knew I would never be shouted at and my parents were consistently calm but also very playful. I could talk to them about anything. My brother and I have spoken as adults about how we felt listened to from a really young age. There were also basically no arbitrary rules- our house rules were largely about safety. So our pals liked coming to play too as usually the answer to "can we play at xyz" was "sure why not".

Anyway we have really good family relationships as adults, I'm still close with my parents and genuinely like them as people. My partner and I try to implement the same style of parenting with my daughter and on the whole I'd say she is a happy pre schooler who has experienced minimal tantrums (so far!)

When my children have been little I have found it pretty easy and natural to ‘parent gently’. As they have got older I have used punishments/consequences occasionally, usually losing screen time or sending them to their room to cool down, which I understand is not in line with gentle parenting. I do think there are times when they need an immediate consequence to snap them out of their behaviour. When they are little it is much easier to physically remove them from situations. I wouldn’t say my children are any better or worse behaved than their peers who have been raised more traditionally.

I’m not sure it’s other people slagging it off as much as people using the description wrongly themselves. And it’s a crap description to start with because it doesn’t emphasise the importance of strong and clear boundaries which are needed to make it work. Calm parenting? Steady parenting? I feel like that’s what we do, but didn’t breastfeed/baby wear/cosleep so I don’t use the term gentle parenting because those things seem to get rolled into it so often.

”"You're feeling angry that you can't watch more TV, it's ok to feel angry. It's time for dinner now. We can watch some more TV tomorrow"

This is a good example of good gentle parenting. You’re acknowledging their feelings, in a calm way, but there’s also a boundary in place. Ie. No more tv for now.

it falls down whereby people assume you have to negotiate out of the situation, and it ends up with the strongest person winning.

I chose gentle parenting nearly 18 years ago after an abusive childhood, I decided I wanted a peaceful family life with respect and kindness being at the core of our family.

Fast forward to now, it has worked out very well for us. My dc are exceptionally kind and compassionate young adults, they have noticeable quiet confidence and high self esteem. They have high standards of the people around them, aggressive or toxic friends don't last for long and both have a very strong bond with dh and I. Our teen years have seen no drinking, drug use or other harmeful things. I don't know whether that is the gentle parenting or we just been lucky.

I combined GP with early attachment parenting, and mindfulness which is not something people talk about often, so they always felt listened to and that I was always present and focused on them, and the world around us.

I have not been a permissive parent though, we have strong boundaries around screen use, violent films etc. As the years have passed I have found I don't need to tell them, they are already work out what is not good for them and adjust their own behaviour. I raised them to love wildlife, life long vegetarians and to follow their own dreams/choices. I have made a point of not interfering/pushing, as a result they are quite self motivated.

It did not come without conflict, my family thought we were 'weak' parents and that the dc would run riot eventually and 'rule the house' (This was proved totally inaccurate btw and they do acknowledge that they have turned out very lovely people who did not feel the need to run riot because they were listened to) other people say it is 'pandering' to ask them where they want to go/eat/holiday/days out but I see it as respectful not pandering. Lots of work men telling me I would pay the price when dd was 15, they could not have been more wrong. I think this kind of parenting brings out insecurity for those that have parented differently and maybe feel bad about some of their own actions.

My dc are not perfect, nor do I want them to be. We have very few arguments, if they want to change something they know to talk and debate, that gets results here not shouting.

I have never heard of gentle parenting, but what you describe is very much in line with how I have parented dd. Never punished, never rewarded, just explained. Tried to respect and acknowledge feelings etc. I also did a lot of things that are probably associated with attachment parenting, though I was always just following my instincts rather than any particular school of thought.

DD is almost 17 now, and I am absolutely delighted with how things have turned out. Confident, kind, considerate, respectful towards others but able to assert herself diplomatically. Hardworking and self motivated. We have a great relationship and are closer than most of her friends are to innate their parents. Whether that is down to personality, luck or parenting, I will never know...probably a combination of all three.

I just wanted to add that gentle parenting is the best thing I ever did, I had to be so mindful in the early days when I was very tired and overwrought not to become shouty and military and slip into my parents model, but after practicing and watching every word more or less in the early days, it became second nature after a while.
It has given me a sense of pride that I have managed to be a really calm and kind parent, one that has cherished each stage of their childhood and the children themselves could not feel more loved or secure, and now are just about to become adults we have a wonderful relationship that is a great basis and foundation for the rest of their lives. If I am going to be a mother, I really wanted to give them my best shot.