If you used gentle parenting how did it turn out?

[Rinatinabina]

There have been quite few references to gentle parenting on mumsnet recently, many of them seem to confuse gentle parenting with permissive parenting. So gentle parenting is recognising developmental stages, recognising and validating feelings, enforcing boundaries in a gentle, firm and consistent way. No reward chards, naughty steps, shouting etc. not permissive parenting or attachment parenting (although I recognise attachment parenting and gentle parenting go hand in hand for some)

if you used gentle parenting techniques how do you feel about the outcomes? I’ve been trying to implement it more and DD’s tantrums have definitely reduced in number and intensity. It actually takes a lot of effort to stay calm (I find it harder than being a shouty parent but I think it is better in that everything is slightly calmer and DD seems happier).

I think i "gentle parent". My dc have never had the naughty step, time outs, been shouted at, etc. As babies/toddlers there was a lot of attachment parenting style stuff - like co sleeping, extended breast feeding, etc but thats just because it was something that felt natural to me and seemed to work for us as a family.

They are now 8 & 12. Both are beautifully behaved at school (and mostly at home too). Dd is polite, funny, independent - shes started secondary school this year and boundaries have naturally shifted with regards to rules/expectations as shes becoming older and less reliant on me. Some things are non negotiable still (like ensuring she does her homework, not fighting with her brother, no screens at the dinner table), others I've relented on (like the state of her bedroom floor - it seems she'll only tidy it when she has a sleepover planned).

Ds is kind, empathetic, funny but is still a bit too young to be as independent as dd.

We do have rules, but always explained the logic behind them so they understood.

I also did a lot of "playful parenting" so learning how to deal with situations through play, getting them to do things they didnt want to by turning it into a game, etc. I read the book when dd was 1 or two and out of all the parenting guides this book probably had the most impact on how i interact with the dc - i think its by laurence cohen -maybe--

It's just about calmly asserting boundaries and empathising with emotions. So far it seems to be working for us, but it does need quite a high level of self awareness and emotional intelligence from the parents. This is the hardest part and definitely an ongoing process

I think the empathising with emotions part is the most powerful and important part. My own DM wasn't especially harsh or shouty as a parent, but we were never 'allowed' any emotions and that has led to us all struggling to acknowledge or manage emotion - we were taught always to suppress it.

I had DC (foster/step) before gentle parenting was 'a thing' but I always tried to empathise with their feelings, though of course that doesn't always mean accepting any bad behaviour that those feelings provoke, especially if the behaviour has a negative effect on someone else.

Glad you’re distinguishing it from permissive parenting op as I’m seeing some really bad outcomes around that 🙁. But we try gentle, emotionally responsive parenting in principle.

My dc have never had the naughty step, time outs, been shouted at, etc

I think the idea behind time outs has got totally distorted. They can be helpful in situations when if it is helpful for an overwhelmed child to be removed from the situation that is overwhelming them. The time out is to benefit the child and give them a chance to catch their breath, mentally. They shouldn't be used as a punishment, but they often are.

Permissive parenting = Neglect
Gentle parenting = Respectful with explained boundaries

There is a world of difference between the two.

@LittleMissLego, I also loved the "playful parenting" book and would highly recommend it.

I would also add that, despite trying to parent as gently, patiently and respectfully as possible, I have absolutely had my moments. I am human, and there have been times when I have lost my patience, shouted at dd etc. And when that happened, I simply apologised and explained that adults get it wrong too sometimes.

I guess what I'm saying is that you don't have to be the perfect parent and you don't have to get it right all the time. Your kids will be fine if you screw up occasionally, as long as they know that they are loved and respected and that their feelings matter.

Surely nobody actively chooses shouting as a parenting strategy, but it's just something that happens in frustration and you have to be mindful of it and actively try to use a different approach- which of course some manage more than others.

I was always a 'firm but fair' type of parent with dd- we never did time out, naughty steps, reward charts or anything. I sort of expected her to be well behaved and if she wasn't then the consequence was released to the crime- eg. if you draw on the wall then no pencils allowed, or if you are noisy in the cinema we will have to leave, or if you make a mess in your bedroom you will have to tidy it etc. I always gave her clear boundaries and had high expectations of her in terms of school work, behaviour, manners, and taking care of her toys etc. but I admit I did still shout a fair bit if she really pushed me and a very firm NO! was often used. She's 17 now and always been very well behaved, calm and quiet and done well at school, has lots of friends and gets on very well with most things- apart from being the usual solvenly lazy teen of course- not sure what is down to parenting and what is just luck and personality though.

Like others in this thread I deliberately went for this style of parenting as my childhood was awful because of my parents’ style.

I've been thinking that my husband and I should read a parenting book to see if we can reach common ground on our approach. Gentle parenting is often associated with not smacking or shouting but there is so much more to it that gets missed if you don't read up I think.

Out of the three, would you recommend How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen? Or the And Listen so Kids Will Talk book? Or The Book you Wish Your Parents had Read?

Ideally looking for something with an attachment lens.

I would say that I used the gentle parenting approach, although I was unaware that I had a ‘style’ for many years.

I have an almost 15 year old daughter and honestly, I admire her. She is self assured, independent, able to see big picture, she is studious and very focused on her future. She loves her friends and her family. I couldn’t ever imagine her speaking to me or her dad in the ‘typical teenage’ way. Even when she is annoyed with us about something, it is handled as a discussion and respectfully.

obviously we are all human and occasionally I will have a shout but I always apologise for shouting and explain why I was so angry. She will occasionally have the ‘I’m in a mood attitude’ but again, we will just talk it over and sort it out.

I still give her a cuddle and kiss every day.

Same, I didn’t actively choose to be a horrible shouty mum and there will be people who don’t actively choose to be calm parents. It’s hard undoing learned behaviors.

i like the sound of calm parenting

All good, but I think “the book you wish your parents had read” was good for me because it looks at your own behavior first and how that came about. Really starting from zero in my case. It clicked for me. I’m going to read how to talk again after this.

I’m glad to see so many people feel it’s turned their children into rounded happy people!

i have playful parenting too but was still too angry to be able to absorb it i think. Will read that as well!

the point about empathy is a strong one, I think DD appreciates that the most, and the more I empathize (even if at first it was a bit of an act truth be told) the more empathy I have with her.

The playful parenting book can be a tad American in some bits, but i found it really influenced how i dealt with behaviours and conflict, so its worth persevering with. It describes why childen play, how they play, process their emotions and experiences through play, how you can use play to divert things from descending into arguments, how you can use play to teach, etc.

Like, when dd was 3 she had a bit of a phase of biting at nursery. So i used play (teddy bears picnic circle with all her toys) and one teddy would do silly things (like sit on my head, just fun silly stuff to make us giggle) as well as biting other teddies. And we'd both tell the 'naughty' teddy off "no teddy, no biting - that makes the other teddies sad because it hurts them", etc. And this way she learnt that biting was wrong and naughty and made people sad and angry, without focusing so much on saying DD YOU BITE AND YOU ARE NAUGHTY. So it taught her the behaviour was wrong, why it was wrong, without necessarily focusing on how naughty she was being and making the who issue into one of her being a naughty child. I hope this kind of makes sense. (And amazingly it worked)

We did intentionally parent towards what you describe and studied and agreed on this before we had DC.

I initially (pre-children) leaned more towards attachment parenting but then my first born was a child who thrived with external structure and needs lots of guidance. So we moved more towards focusing on secure attachment, recognising and being responsive to developmental stages, emotional regulation support, critical thinking, and social communication skills.

I agree with pp who said that this kind of parenting work requires emotional intelligence- I certainly had/have to work harder than DH at parenting. DH is more skilled at his own emotional regulation than I am and he is less impulsive/reactive than I am. But I am more spontaneous/fun and more able to emotionally co-regulate.

Our DC are now late teens and we have very strong relationships, sometimes I am surprised at how much they trust us for advice and support.

They are, however, very different children - one needing external structure and the other highly self-motivated. They didn't go through a big rebellious stage or drugs, etc.

They are responsible, respectful and socially aware but certainly not perfect. One still requires a lot of outside structure or can quickly lose focus but that DC is aware of this.

I don't know though, they are both very much their own selves. Who is to say that we had such a huge impact on them? It feels more like we provided a particular environment and they grew into their own personalities rather than we influenced them so greatly to be who they are.

Although with the increasing knowledge of ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and the developmental impact on children, at least, as parents, we tried to prevent trauma as much as our influence allowed us.

I used gentle parenting while raising my son. I won’t be making that mistake again

I am a single mum with young children and have found it very effective in creating a calm atmosphere. I’ve also found it easy to diffuse situations because you don’t get pulled into a cycle of shouting the loudest. I also have found that when children feel validated and heard they feel less of a need to ‘speak’ through poor behaviour.

Still learning but I am very fond of this approach and it works well for our family

I've used gentle parenting, because I'm a very gentle person with few stresses in my like so I'm content.
My children are now 11 and 9 and are both calm, respectful, tolerant, kind, understanding people.
There is very little drama in our house, yes, I might have to remind my dd to do something several times before she actually does, she will do it and in the time frame I've set.
We always get where we need to be on time, without any raised voices.
Everyone goes to bed when they're asked.
We all respect each other, we are great at talking and listening to each other and I feel we really know one and other so less likely to upset or anger each other.
My children are both doing very well at school and have never been in any trouble, either in the house or out of it.
Disclaimer: I'm calm, never in trouble, my children might just genetically be calm and gentle people too!

I've used gentle parenting with all my DC's, they are 21, 20 and 12. They are all polite, level headed and thoughtful individuals. The eldest 2 are at Uni and both have part time jobs, they all have good solid relationships with family and friends. Teenage years were relatively drama free and gentle parenting definitely helped. I have a lovely close relationship with all of them and they feel able to talk to me about anything as they know I will remain calm and listen to them.

We used firm but fair. Two polite respectful teens we are close to. Never took any back talk from them - never will. Often told how “lucky” we are to have such “easy” kids. Hmm.

I do, for us as a family (and many families built by adoption) it works very well, of course he is still sometimes a pain and a bit annoying. He is generally well mannered, fairly sensible (6) and will reliably listen and follow. For us natural consequence works very well, it’s quite funny listening to him playing as he copies me when his dolls have been a royal pain in the arse.

I can see both sides. I would say I was a gentle parent: I always went to DD when she wanted me (despite snide remarks about ‘you’re making a rod for your own back’ and ‘helicopter parenting’). We did no reward charts or time out or shouting, breastfed til 3, coslept a lot longer than that.

How it turned out? Almost no tantrums, very kind well-behaved child with incredible empathy and generosity to others, teachers adore her, she does get very tearful about little things, can be kinda a wuss, and will talk about her feelings forever. We’re incredibly close. I wouldn’t change what I did, but I do definitely need to find a way to help her toughen up and not cry so much over small things. Not sure how 😬

But. I know a couple of mums who used gentle parenting as an excuse for bad parenting, and their kids are just horrible now. A boy punched a girl in the face because she didn’t want to play with him and the mum’s sole concern was helping him explore his feelings and assuring him that he had a right to be upset. At no point did she tell him it isn’t ok to hit a girl and especially not for rejecting him. Another close friend never told off her child, and now that child is not someone I can let in the house.

So it depends if it’s done well or used as an excuse for laziness.