Do you punish your child with ADHD?

[ColourfulOnesie]

Is there any point?
Is there anything at all they respond to?

Hear me out, my boy is 7 yrs old and has been diagnosed for a few years. We haven't got any meds that work yet, we've trialled a few! I've coloured 15 pieces of pasta in and put them in a tupperware tub, attitude, cheekiness all leads to a bit of pasta being put in the other tub. At the end of the day if the tub is empty and all the pasta is in the original box he gets a treat, switch time, later night etc.......he always has a chance to earn pasta back, by eating all his meals, helping out, being kind....I think it helps as it's more visual. Sorry for the rambling lol

I'm stumbling my way through parenting a teen with ADHD and ASD.

For us punishment doesn't work. She doesn't respond to any consequences in any way than seeing it as a challenge to overcome or with uncontrolled rage.

What I have found works though is rewards and incentives. (She calls it blackmail). However, a reward for staying on track with behaviour and incentives for specific tasks - like taking daily meds, does work reasonably well.

Mostly she does things to earn weekly pocket money as having her own cash to spend is something that motivates her a lot.

It's still not easy. I don't think it ever will be, but it helps keep things from falling completely off the rails.

I hope that helps, even if just a lttle bit. I know it can be very very tough.

Oh god don’t tell me that about meds, he’s due to start some end of this week and I’m kind of pinning all my hopes on them helping 😬

I’ve semi tried this, it was more of a moving up the chart for good behaviour and down the chart for bad but he genuinely didn’t seem to give a shit - also I think he only ever got a reward once because of all the bad behaviour so must’ve decided there was no point and stopped trying, how do you deal with that?
(Also I long for the days I’ll care about attitude and cheekiness, our bad behaviour is more like punching me in the face, smashing up iPads, choking his sister, running off and not responding to us calling him back etc 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Sorry I had only seen one response when I replied
I think our DC are similar @Lindy2 he just doesn’t seem to care about punishments, I’m not sure if it’s because I give in too much but honestly the kid can scream for 6 hours straight so at some point I’ve got to just say ‘enough’

Bribery I could probably get on board with, like training a puppy with treats - I often compare him to a puppy so I don’t know why I haven’t tried this yet
I need to figure out what I could use, what age did you start this tactic?

Ds 13 loves a list. Daily expectations!
Make bed
Brush teeth
Empty dishwasher
Don't eat more than 2 biscuits

How old is he?

And what is the punishment for punching you in the face? For strangling his sister?

Punishments probably won't work, but enforcing boundaries absolutely yes, for their own sake and others. My brother has ADHD and when you mention choking his sister makes me really sad as my childhood was largely hellish because of him. My parents did what they thought was right, unfortunately none of that was trying different ways to try and manage his behaviour. Yes adhd makes it more challenging and more traditional methods probably won't work, but absolutely a child will take advantage of knowing they can do what they want.

He’s 6
And it’s basically just remove him from the situation/make it safe, make him apologise (he doesn’t always do this), take something away like screen time or if we were going to do something nice - then he’ll scream solidly for the rest of the day and/or smash shit up in anger, so it really just doesn’t feel worth it

Sorry that response was to @PotteringAlong

@DeyHuggee this is a big part of why I’m asking, DS is one of 4 DC and the older two have in the last few months started to make comments about how he can do what he wants/never gets told off etc, I’ve tried sitting down and explaining to them that punishments just won’t look the same to a child with additional needs but I really really don’t want them to grow up resenting him how is your relationship with your brother now?

[quote ColourfulOnesie]@DeyHuggee this is a big part of why I’m asking, DS is one of 4 DC and the older two have in the last few months started to make comments about how he can do what he wants/never gets told off etc, I’ve tried sitting down and explaining to them that punishments just won’t look the same to a child with additional needs but I really really don’t want them to grow up resenting him how is your relationship with your brother now?[/quote]
We aren't particularly close for various reasons, I guess deep down even though it's wrong and selfish I do resent the impact he had on our lives but that's not why we don't get on very well. I did leave home as soon as I could and moved far away which I wouldn't have done otherwise, but it proved to be really great for me so worked out okay. How old are his siblings?

@DeyHuggee I don’t think it’s selfish at all I think it’s completely understandable, he’s my son and I think I even resent the impact DS has had on our lives a little bit, I just desperately wish he was ‘normal’ (now that’s wrong but hey we’re all anonymous here)
The other DC are 12, 11 & 4, so he’s bang in the middle, the 12 year old in particular gets very angry with him (and us) and tells him he hates him/wishes he’d never been born etc which just breaks my heart
Can I ask how you feel about your parents and what your relationship is like with them?
I think the 12 year old absolutely hates me a little bit because of DS too
I just can not possibly please everyone!

our bad behaviour is more like punching me in the face, smashing up iPads, choking his sister

That level of violence is not just 'bad behaviour' how old is his sister and what are you doing to make her feel safe at home? If you're just sitting them down and saying 'oh there's no point in punishment it's just how he is' its not just him they'll resent.

@MichelleScarn that’s absolutely not what I said I say to the other children

l just can not possibly please everyone! well no, but you need to protect your children who are being assaulted at home?

It sounds very stressful op, but I think you need to move away from this about managing 'punishing'your child who has Adhd and look at protecting your other children.

[quote ColourfulOnesie]@DeyHuggee I don’t think it’s selfish at all I think it’s completely understandable, he’s my son and I think I even resent the impact DS has had on our lives a little bit, I just desperately wish he was ‘normal’ (now that’s wrong but hey we’re all anonymous here)
The other DC are 12, 11 & 4, so he’s bang in the middle, the 12 year old in particular gets very angry with him (and us) and tells him he hates him/wishes he’d never been born etc which just breaks my heart
Can I ask how you feel about your parents and what your relationship is like with them?
I think the 12 year old absolutely hates me a little bit because of DS too
I just can not possibly please everyone![/quote]
Ah bless him, being 12 is bloody hard anyway isn't it, although unpleasant to hear sounds like he is lashing out; if push came to shove I'm sure he'd do anything to protect his little brother. I am close to my parents now, but don't have much respect for them in some regards- they still let him walk all over them. But I also understand, especially since becoming a mother myself, I have let go of a lot of feelings around never being prioritised even when I needed it, them allowing him to steal from me, hurt me and dominate every aspect of our childhood- but it did take therapy and time. Sadly as you know support and especially support for families is severely lacking, its clear you want to do the best for all of your children but will invariably be pulled in different directions. I'd try some of the suggestions up thread, they're clear and visual for him but also demonstrate to your other children that his behaviour to them won't just be tolerated because he has ADHD. Hopefully the medication will make a difference too, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job.

@MichelleScarn yes I don’t protect them at all, I just let DS have at them, in fact sometimes I cheer him on 🙄 I appreciate you trying to offer advice but it sounds like you have zero experience here so I respectfully ask you to move along

@DeyHuggee Thankyou so much for your input it has been very very helpful to see where we may be in 20/30 years time
I will definitely be trying some more things that have been suggested

If use of punishment is causing a problem could you just move away from talking about punishment. I have one with ASD, but I don’t tend to go in for punishment in terms of retribution for either. With the little one I try to manage behaviour and sometimes there are consequences, but more natural consequences. The older one wouldn’t have certain privileges. I never use the word punishment. This doesn’t solve the problem with ds, but might assist with the resentment of the others.

This sounds very difficult for you and him and particularly his siblings. Its good that you've recognised that something needs to change -otherwise if he's still having a verbally or physically aggressive response to a boundary being put in place when he's 19 it could end up with some very serious consequences. Having ADHD means that you need to manage behaviour differently, but you still need to manage it. So, yes, lots of understanding around how hard he finds it and support to help him through his emotional responses, but he still needs boundaries.

It's also worth bearing in mind that he is, above all else, a six year old. Some of the things he does might be down to ADHD, but some will just be a six year old being six and exploring what he can and can't do. I would suggest reading some parenting books that recognise some kids need ninja level parenting skills and see if any appeal to you. The Explosive Child might be a good place to start

@Petronus that’s a very interesting point and one is never considered, I’ve been more focused on trying to change him to fit in with how we generally do things than thinking about changing things for everyone
I see lots from accounts I follow on Instagram about gentle parenting and parenting without punishments and I just wish I had the patience tbh, we’re all so bloody tired (did I mention he doesn’t sleep either) that I just think breaking rules = a punishment is the quicker way to go, but it’s obviously not working anymore is it

@MoMuntervary it’s funny you say that about when he’s 19 as this is something we say a lot we watch a lot of police shows and any time there’s a cocky knobhead being arrested for being violent or unnecessarily abusive to police we always say to each other ‘that’ll be DS’ - and I obviously do not want this!
I have literally just gone straight to Amazon and ordered that book Thankyou for the suggestion

I think I’m realising I may have been to inflexible here; we have rules up on display where everyone can see them and I’m very ‘break a rule you get a punishment’ and invariably end up punishing myself with a screaming child for 6 hours because, well sometimes he can’t control himself, then the older ones kick off because I hold my ground with them, because they can control themselves! And now the younger one copies DS6 because she’s clearly seeing that the rule/punishment system doesn’t really mean anything

I’m going for a complete overhaul!

Thank you all btw I so appreciate everyone taking the time to reply and be so kind

@ColourfulOnesie it sounds like you’ve got a plan in place and sometimes you just need a bit of a plan. It might be worth a chat with school too because if you could get a consistent plan between home / school so you’re both singing from the same hymn sheet as it were that might help?

I would also flag the 12 year old up at school - they might have a young carers scheme (I know you won’t see him as such but at my school anyone who has their live impacted by a disabled sibling / parent comes under our young carers scheme) that he could access that might help him.

I’m not sure I have a plan yet, I just have a plan to make a plan
A young carers scheme would never have occurred to me in a million years, I will definitely check this out when he goes back next week thankyou!

Ds has asd, and being investigated for adhd.

This works well for us- he is allowed start screentime at a particular time. If he has not responded to a request and a warning, he has to wait 5 minutes longer for screentime to start. I can keep increasing the wait by 5 minutes but I’ve never got further than 15. He can also earn the time back with chores.

It’s simple, consistent and proportionate. I can follow through (adhd myself). I never take it off the other end because that’s a million times harder.

Other than that there’s a lot of listening, loving, building self esteem. My experience is that you need about ten times more positivity to balance out how hard things are. But boundaries are hugely important too.

If I go past 15 minutes, I change tack because there’s something bigger at play (eg bullying, bad day) and I’m usually right. So I’m not a fan of punishment for the sake of it. It’s only useful if it’s helping him get a grip on his impulsivity.