Constant teasing

[AHungryCaterpillar]

What do you do about a child teasing your other child? I can’t take my son constantly teasing his little sister anymore, it’s relentless, he has done it ALL day today teasing her and winding her up to make her cry. It’s making me so frustrated listening to constant screaming and crying all day. I’ve told him off, I’ve disciplined him. Nothing works, he still does it all day long. My other children do not do this and it is peaceful when he is not around. How can I tackle this as it’s really bothering me.

Should add he is 8

Have you asked him why? With calm and a listening ear?

If there is a reason, great, that's an unmet need. Meet it somehow. Often it's Golden Child/Black Sheep stuff. If not, tell him he will have to remove himself to his room if he does it. Immediately, calmly make him. Explain that making other people cry isn't OK and you will have to make sure he doesn't. And be consistent with it.

He’s removed every time but it never stops. He says he finds it funny and it’s “just a joke”

My answer to that is, "a joke is when the other person laughs."

Have you asked him why when he hasn't just done it?

Sometimes they do it because they like the power. Dismissing it as “just a joke” is designed to throw you off track.

With older kids at school we often ask them if they are struggling with being kind or if they would like tips and guidance on how to get along with others. This tends to work because they don’t want to admit there is any deficiency or lacking of understanding in how to behave towards others. We sometimes say “either you don’t know how to behave towards others and I can help you with ideas and suggestions and role plays, or you do know and you’re choosing to be mean, in which case we need to apply some negative consequences so you choose a different approach next time. Which is it?”

This might work. Call him out every single time.

Yes I’ve asked him why when he’s not doing it and he just says that he doesn’t mean to upset her (he does) for example I was busy earlier so asked him to put a tv show on for her whilst I get ready and have a shower but he instead he said he was going to put on something else, so she started getting annoyed I said no you know what she wants to watch so put that on but he continued to laugh and tease her saying he was putting on a different show (something neither of them actually watch it was just to get a reaction) so of course I was forced to stop and put what I was doing.

Thank you Cauliflowersqueeze I will try that

That's a very interesting example. Is it often when he's asked to do something for her? Was he an only for a decent amount of time? I wonder if it's about not being the baby any more, if he's missing the baby role.

Is he getting bullied at school? Maybe teasing his sister is a way to regain a sense of power somewhere?

He’s 8, not 2. Say ‘it isn’t a joke, you’re being nasty and bullying someone smaller than you. If it continues then x.’

X obviously being consequence that will matter to him. Losing video game time or an activity he was looking forward to or similar. He’s old enough to be punished for nasty behaviour and I wouldn’t allow an 8 year old to laugh in my face when asked why he was being nasty to a younger sibling and say it was ‘a joke.’

Oh I know it’s not a joke trust me I don’t fall for that, a joke is not at everyone else’s expense and it’s not a joke if the other person doesn’t find it funny. No it’s not only when he’s asked to do something, it’s all day, all day, if she says a word wrong he will laugh at her and make her feel stupid, literally if she pronounces a word wrong. It’s everything. I don’t think he’s being bullied I know he doesn’t have any friends at school but he hasn’t mentioned being bullied by anyone. The baby thing could be the case as he often mentions how he wishes he was the youngest.

I was 'teased' by my big brother for many years and my parents never stopped it. I ended up being bullied my entire life because I never had the sense of worth that I was entitled to be treated well. Don't let your daughter grow up knowing you don't care enough for her that you stop her brother bullying her. Don't set her up for a lifetime of feeling not good enough like my parents did with me. Please don't.

I do discipline him.. I’ve already said that, but it’s not working and he won’t stop so looking for what else I can do. He says he “forgets” that I’ve told him he isn’t allowed to tease anyone. I think it’s horrible and my other children are not like this.

Why doesn't he have any friends at school? Does that mean he doesn't have a 'best friend' but plays in a group of children, or that he doesn't have anyone to play with and spends playtime on his own?

It’s not related at all because it’s the opposite of what he is like at home but he has selective mute. He doesn’t speak at all in school (only in school everywhere else he is fine) and only spoke in reception, he hasn’t spoken at all in school since year 1. This is why he has no friends.

Your son needs professional help, if he isn't getting it already. It is very, very common for children to bully (and this is bullying) when they feel isolated, unwelcome, unloved or unhappy. Evidently his situation at school is causing him distress that he is projecting onto his sister. Saying that it isn't related because he speaks at home is woefully naïve.

Ok well I’ve tried to get him help but nowhere is interested, I’ve spoken to the drs and school and both have dismissed me several times!! I’ve been told it will be extremely difficult to get any sort of diagnosis for selective mute on its own and school has dismissed it several times. I was asking for help not judgement

I wonder OP if you could turn the request around, so instead of asking him to do it for his sister you could ask him to do it for you. Eg "Could you put on DD fav TV prog so I can get changed DS? The sooner I can get changed we can do x, y z that you want to do. Thank you for helping me."

His school really should be supporting him in a pastoral sense so he has friends too, that must be so hard for him.

When I said it’s not related it’s because he’s the opposite at home, he has so much character and such a big personality he is the loudest of all my kids. I’ve spoken to the school they said he has “no SEN” gp have said he won’t get a diagnosis if the school won’t back it up as that’s the only place he is selective mute and have also said a diagnosis of SM on its own is very difficult. I’m aware kids tease so I don’t think it’s purely down to that, my brothers use to tease me.

Also to add, if GP and school show disinterest in helping you, could you find your local speech therapist and self refer?

How is your ds academically? Does he have any interest, hobbies, sport, music anything else?
These behaviours are often due to a complex range of actors in family life and I suspect that family therapy would help. Does relate possibly offer affordable therapy?

The way you describe your ds, could he have ADHD? If he is the loudest at home where he feels loved and comfortable and free to express himself as it feel natural to him but is unable to tone it down and create relations with his peers, he might be neuro diverse?

From your dd's perspective, your ds must be a horrible pain and make her family life miserable and totally unsafe. You need an intervention because your ds struggles at school but your dd struggles at home, which absolutely should be her safe place.

What does your dh say? Does he discipline your ds? Are you showing a united and very firm front when you deal with bullies his sibling?

I feel for you, what a horrendous situation to be in.

Are you showing a united and very firm front when he bullies his sibling?

Well if he feels isolated and like he has no power at school, he is bound to take it out on others at home.

I think you need to make a nuisance of yourself at the school. It’s not on that they are leaving him to fend for himself. That must be very hard for him.

I feel quite sad for him. SM at school, no friends, lost his baby position at home and gets attention by bullying. It's all a bit unhealthy. No judgment BTW, it's hard. I also have a 'good enough at school' child with SEN who gets no help. I suggest being a very very squeaky wheel. If he's not an issue for them at school, maybe you need to be.

You said 'all my kids'. Are there a lot of children wanting your attention? Does he get 1:1 time?

I’m a single parent so no no 1:1 time. I can’t do anything about that unfortunately as much as I would like to but it’s just me at home. Ive tried with the SM so it’s not that I haven’t, he’s in a few groups at school but it hasn’t changed anything, they’ve given him board games to play with at play time (so that’s other kids will come over to play) they’ve asked me to see if he will name any kids he would like to play with but he says no that he doesn’t want to do that and won’t name anyone, he’s changed class which I told him may be an opportunity to meet new friends as they won’t know he doesn’t speak so he can start fresh. Nothing has worked that has been tried so far. The senco has told me she doesn’t believe he has any sen which I agree as well I don’t think he has asd/adhd I think it’s anxiety based. He’s never liked school since he started he use to cry in reception when I took him but everyone said he would start to like it but he has always hated it and resents going and that hasn’t changed.

Where is he in the family? Is he the second youngest? I would take a break from asking him to do anything for his sister, I realise putting on a tv show is a small ask but there’s obviously a pressure point there.

Have you tried one to one time? Lovebombing?