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Original poster

Step mother duties

36 replies

GoldenGoose2022 · 14/04/2022 07:20

Hi all,

My first post as I’m not a mum but have found myself in the unofficial position of step mum with zero experience of kids or divorces.

My partner has 3 boys, 2 of which only come to us now -due to a lot of his friction from his ex etc.

The 2 boys that come (7) are nice boys but in my eyes extremely molly cuddled and it’s starting to cause rows between my partner and I. He goes out of his way to not make them do anything for themselves, because he is so scared that they wont want to come stay with us and think we are too strict.

What I’m taking about here is putting their own breakfast bits together or getting their own glass of water, ( I bought child friendly glasses and put on low shelf). I won’t even get into how they fling their coats etc on the floor and walk off as if I am staff to pick it all up.

I generally do the traditional household/cooking stuff despite having a full time job like him. So, in mornings because they are so wrapped up in cotton wool, I have to serve them their breakfast as well as everything else on top and really I don’t get any thanks in return.

Am I being unreasonable to ask 7 year olds to be able to do these simple tasks or because they are out the other side of a bad divorce should I be making allowances? In my eyes they will never be independent and where does one draw the line?

I don’t want to be the evil step mother 😌

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 14/04/2022 07:21

You have a DH problem.

fangle · 14/04/2022 07:22

Leave. Do not have children with this man.

I can assure you he willl never change. Neither will his children

Bornsloppy · 14/04/2022 07:25

Why are you doing all the cooking/housework? Is it 1952 where you live?

Yeah you've got a DH problem.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Mochatatts · 14/04/2022 07:29

It's a slippery slope to absolute hell. I speak from experience. I'd never live with anyone with kids again. It's thankless and you don't get to have an opinion on anything to do with the other person's children despite them being in your home. Run

Fuuuuuckit · 14/04/2022 07:37

And he's doing what exactly, when his kids are visiting you? His kids, his responsibility. Your home, your rules. If the two don't align then something has to give.

He needs to pick up their coats if he won't tell them to do his own. He needs to fix their breakfast if he insists they're not able to manage it themselves. You do you, he does them. If they're hungry at 11am because he wouldn't allow them to get their own breakfast, or make it himself, he deals with hungry kids. That's the top and bottom of it.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 14/04/2022 07:43

How often do they come?

Leave him to it. Plan your days, go out, to the gym, take your laptop to a cafe, arrange to visit friends. Have a sleep in. Tell him you’re shattered and he can get up with them. Present it as doing him a favour giving him some quality time alone with the boys.

You need to change the doing all the wifework too. His kids, he picks up and sorts them- changes beds, cleans bathroom.

Mackmama · 14/04/2022 07:44

This is a phenomenon known as Disney dad-ing, he’ll not challenge his kids from the previous relationship on anything, whatever it is, for fear he’ll seem uptight and the kids won’t come. You’ll also be expected to participate by facilitating this behaviour, you’ll probably also be expected to be very happy about it, why wouldn’t you be deliriously happy about waiting hand and foot on somebody else’s kids 24/7. If you say anything, you’ll be told they were there before you and you knew what you we’re getting into. Honestly I wouldn’t recommend it OP, get out while you can.

SoggyPaper · 14/04/2022 07:49

@Mochatatts

It's a slippery slope to absolute hell. I speak from experience. I'd never live with anyone with kids again. It's thankless and you don't get to have an opinion on anything to do with the other person's children despite them being in your home. Run
Yes… exactly this.

It’s completely a DH problem. This kind of guilt ridden, Disney parenting is really dreadful for everyone. It’s impossible for stepmothers and atrociously bad for the children.

I’d suggest reading stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. It’ll give you insight and also show you why it’s a DH problem.

Vsirbdo · 14/04/2022 07:50

We had this; more because DH seemed to have almost missed that DSD was no longer a baby and wanted to do those things for her because he didn’t get to see her much. I spoke to him about it and suggested some small changes and if I was the one doing breakfast I got her to help herself and if DH did breakfast then it was up to him how he did it.
He was perfectly within his rights to wait on her hand and foot but I wasn’t going to go the lengths he was.
It worked because my DH was able to recognise what he was doing and he open to different approaches.
In the examples you give just step over the coats, remind them where the glasses are when they went a drink, put the breakfast stuff on the table for them to help themselves. Some of this stuff if just kid stuff, I had to do that with the coat yesterday for my teen DSD

AntarcticTern · 14/04/2022 07:54

Stop serving them breakfast and picking up their coats. If your partner doesn't want to tell them to do it for themselves, he needs to be the one doing it for them.

AntarcticTern · 14/04/2022 07:55

No need to get cross about it - just step over the coats and say cheerfully "good morning, help yourself to cereal".

GrazingSheep · 14/04/2022 08:02

Why do you do the housework and cooking?

familyissues12345 · 14/04/2022 08:02

Personally, I think you have slightly high expectations of 7 year olds, I don't think it's that unusual for parents to still be helping with breakfast etc at that age. So ultimately I think your DP needs to step up and be the one sorting them out - by doing their care, then working with them so they start to do it for themselves

Neverendingwashingpile · 14/04/2022 08:07

I still get my 9 year and younger siblings old her breakfast. Though she can get her own and often does at the weekend, it is a nice thing for me to do for her and is easier/quicker/less messy it I do it. I expect her and her 6 year old sister to do things like take their dishes to the sink, put coats and shoes away, make her bed etc but she needs reminding/support sometimes. These things don't need to be a battle. Kids aren't mini adults. They don't care about these things so if we want them to do them we need to accept they will probably need reminded and prompted most of the time.

Ragwort · 14/04/2022 08:15

You've got a DP problem, why isn't he caring for his DSs ? I personally think it's pretty normal to have breakfast together as a family - but surely your DP should be the one sorting breakfast and clearing up after the boys? What is he doing when it's the DC's breakfast time? I wonder why his first marriage broke down ...

Have you read the SP threads on here? Leave now, you can 'date' but don't live together, it is well known that single dads look for a new 'mother figure' preferably younger than the ex W and who will provide great sex who will help raise their DC and do the housework etc.

Don't come back in a few months to say you 'didn't realise what it would be like'.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 14/04/2022 08:17

You need to sit down together when the DC are not there, and discuss this. Cover all his responsibilities and yours. I think it is odd he will hang up their coats instead of telling them to! He should tell DC to hang up their coats, do not do it for them. I always made their breakfast though, that is my preference to do so. I don't think breaking up is the only way to change things for the better. Good luck!

Original poster
GoldenGoose2022 · 14/04/2022 08:19

Thanks for all your responses, some very helpful bits in there and some terms I never even knew are a thing, so I’ve got some reading to do. I find myself googling ‘age kids should tie laces’ ‘age kids can Bla bla bla… So it’s good to get several different viewpoints on it.

I think my main annoyance is that because he is so busy tending to them It gives me extra work doing everything else, so then being like that ultimately effects me weather I’m entertaining it or not.

Anyway I have just hit him with ‘Disney Dad’ and have had the most blank, confused look ever. Certainly made me chuckle this morning 😆

OP posts:
Forgottenmypasswordagain · 14/04/2022 08:19

@Neverendingwashingpile

I still get my 9 year and younger siblings old her breakfast. Though she can get her own and often does at the weekend, it is a nice thing for me to do for her and is easier/quicker/less messy it I do it. I expect her and her 6 year old sister to do things like take their dishes to the sink, put coats and shoes away, make her bed etc but she needs reminding/support sometimes. These things don't need to be a battle. Kids aren't mini adults. They don't care about these things so if we want them to do them we need to accept they will probably need reminded and prompted most of the time.
Exactly how we think.
AlisonDonut · 14/04/2022 08:22

Leave the coats where they drop them and make your own breakfast and let him sort them out. He should be the one parenting, don't get into the habit of running around doing his job for him.

DragonOverTheMoon · 14/04/2022 08:28

Run, run away as fast as you can. These disney dads don't get better. They're moddycoddling is disguised as love but is actually control.

I was brought down the lowest I had ever been by being cast as the villain to my ex h Disney dadding.

familyissues12345 · 14/04/2022 08:38

I think Disney dadding is a tricky one. I've got a few male friends/relatives who have children from a previous relationship. As the children have got older, it's been harder to get them keen to want to come - not necessarily because they don't want to see their dad, but because they've got a better offer at home (friends local, own things at their house etc). The Dads feel they have to step up even harder to make their home seem extra appealing - but getting the balance right with making it a nice place, and making the children very spoilt, can't be easy!

FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 14/04/2022 08:40

Sounds like children being children not molly coddled. 🤷‍♀️

I give my DCs breakfast and remind them not to leave shoes and coats everywhere. Doesn’t feel like a burden to me or bad behaviour from them. They get older.

FelicityPike · 14/04/2022 08:40

You don’t have “duties”.
Let your boyfriend do everything for his sons.
Also…you should stop doing ALL the household tasks, your boyfriend lives there too and if he’s grown enough to have 3 children, he’s grown enough to hoover, dust, laundry & do dishes!
You’re being a mug!

AlisonDonut · 14/04/2022 08:41

@FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith

Sounds like children being children not molly coddled. 🤷‍♀️

I give my DCs breakfast and remind them not to leave shoes and coats everywhere. Doesn’t feel like a burden to me or bad behaviour from them. They get older.

Yes, that is exactly what their DAD should be doing.
namechange30455 · 14/04/2022 08:44

You have high expectations of 7yos and seemingly very low expectations of a grown man.

Why do you do all the housework? That's your problem, not the kids.