Step mother duties

[GoldenGoose2022]

Hi all,

My first post as I’m not a mum but have found myself in the unofficial position of step mum with zero experience of kids or divorces.

My partner has 3 boys, 2 of which only come to us now -due to a lot of his friction from his ex etc.

The 2 boys that come (7) are nice boys but in my eyes extremely molly cuddled and it’s starting to cause rows between my partner and I. He goes out of his way to not make them do anything for themselves, because he is so scared that they wont want to come stay with us and think we are too strict.

What I’m taking about here is putting their own breakfast bits together or getting their own glass of water, ( I bought child friendly glasses and put on low shelf). I won’t even get into how they fling their coats etc on the floor and walk off as if I am staff to pick it all up.

I generally do the traditional household/cooking stuff despite having a full time job like him. So, in mornings because they are so wrapped up in cotton wool, I have to serve them their breakfast as well as everything else on top and really I don’t get any thanks in return.

Am I being unreasonable to ask 7 year olds to be able to do these simple tasks or because they are out the other side of a bad divorce should I be making allowances? In my eyes they will never be independent and where does one draw the line?

I don’t want to be the evil step mother 😌

Remind them to pick their coats up and their shoes where they’re meant to be. Don’t do it for them. Note: my 16 year old still abandons her coat and shoes randomly around the house, it’s a long learning curve.

Introduce them to the idea they get their own drinks and 7 year olds probably is quite normal to have hell with breakfast eg I would still pour cereal or they’d be leaving half of it having poured enormous bowls and I’d probably do the toast but leave them to spread it. Whether that’s you or DH to do is up to you. I don’t believe in totally disengaging but it’s probably a balance between leaving them to things and having to still give a hand and lots of reminders at that age,

Who does it, up to you!

I came perilously close to ringing the police to report my 14 yr old missing, because when I came in from work there was no sign he'd come home.

For once in his life, he'd come in from school, put all his stuff away where it should be and was in his room with headphones on.

@picklemewalnuts

I came perilously close to ringing the police to report my 14 yr old missing, because when I came in from work there was no sign he'd come home.

For once in his life, he'd come in from school, put all his stuff away where it should be and was in his room with headphones on.

Ha!

Is your DP asking you to pick up the coat, take on childcare duties etc? If not, it's up to you whether you do it. With regards to the coats, I would make it clear to the kids that "in this house" coats are hung up by the wearer but generally it's up to your DP to do the parenting, not you.

My DP has a 10 year old and I don't parent her at all. I tend to prepare meals as it's what I usually do for DP and myself so it wouldn't make sense to dig my heels in about that. Other than that, I'm perfectly content doing my own thing while DP makes sure her room is tidied, her bed is made, teeth are brushed etc.

I think that DPs DD is molly-coddled in general (by both parents) and I will occasionally suggest (out of earshot of DSD) that she is more than capable of doing stuff herself but more often than not I don't get too involved in the parenting side of things and focus more on fun stuff (be it movie night, walks, shopping etc)

7 years of age is still pretty young though and I think I probably served my kids breakfast at that age. If nothing else as it would save me the mess of cereal all over the table / floor.

If you feel you are doing too much, take a step back and hopefully your DP will step up (if not, that's what you need to deal with).

I agree it is normal at those young ages to be given help with breakfast, but your partner should be the one doing it.

@FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith

Sounds like children being children not molly coddled. 🤷‍♀️

I give my DCs breakfast and remind them not to leave shoes and coats everywhere. Doesn’t feel like a burden to me or bad behaviour from them. They get older.

But they're not OP's children.

Dad needs to take a BIG step up here op, and not just when the kids are visiting.

@AlisonDonut yes but the question is framed around the children their lack of independence and being mollycoddled. They are not. I don’t disagree about the father stepping up but I worry less about which adult does what than appropriate parenting for children.

To be honest it is a Disney dad thing.. but I have a 15 and 8 year old and definitely note my younger isn't doing as much as older sibling at that age. Covid knocked a lot of little learning steps out of sync. One example I noticed kids tend to learn laces later as the sizes of non laced shoes have extended and are not as uncool. Have a discussion agree a couple of things include the kids and remind dad you are giving the children life skills. Kids tend to react positively to responsibility if it brings choice so I give as much choice as possible. Good luck hopefully he gets on board.

I don’t think 7 years old is particularly old to still be serving breakfast to, but WHY are you doing it rather than your partner? This kind of stuff gives me the rage, why are you the default domestic worker? When my DSD was that age, and we were both in the house, it would be my DH who would generally give her breakfast etc. if she wanted a drink of water she would ask him - her parent.

This sort of behaviour isn't unusual for a 7 year old but it should be their dad doing the vast majority of this stuff.