What does zero tolerance actually mean?

[BeMyFriend90]

My DS is 2. He is very difficult. Exhausting. He often tries to hit me and DH.

This weekend, he went for two other kids in the park. Running towards them to hit them. I managed to stop him both times. He used to be obsessed with hugging other children, always trying to kiss adults, saying 'big cuddle' all the time. But in the last 6 months the affection is getting less and less, and the hitting/pushing/kicking more extreme.

I've been reading advice online and trying to work out how to help him and stop him from hurting us/other people. And someone commented 'I have a zero tolerance to hitting. My kids just wouldn't be allowed to do something like that that. It's a non-negotiable'

Or something like that. And I just don't understand? What does zero-tolerance mean? I'm happy to be very angry with him. Happy to take him away from the situation straight away. Happy to do whatever I need to do to stop him. But none of it is working. So how does someone choose to have zero tolernace? How can you stop a kid doing something in the moment?

I feel like a total failure. I've read so much of parents on here saying 'what an awful kid hitting/biting' etc and my kid isn't awful. I don't think any kids are awful. But he's not being particularly nice right now. And he doesn't seem v. happy either.

Everything is fine at home. He goes to nursery which he seems to enjoy and he doesn't do anything wrong there.

Zero tolerance is a bullshit comment that generally comes from parents who have relatively easy kids who respond to 'no'

Your child is at least high need, possibly Sen, has limited communication you are not coming from the same place as smug parents who think they have nailed parenting.

My ds is autistic and use to have many, many meltdowns it was so hard. Some things that helped were a consistent routine, a picture board of activities we were doing that day on the wall. Lots of opportunity for down time. Short sentences and one step instructions. I always wore trainers/ trousers to run after him easily and kept my hair tied back to avoid pulling. If he hit he would get a time out of 3 min. I didn't discuss anything it with him as he wouldn't understand a barrage of language I would just say "we don't hit" . I kept it simple with a short consequence and I sat with him during time out so he felt safe in it. If he repeated the behaviour over and over we would leave. Partly as a consequence of his actions but also because he clearly wasn't coping with the situation. Behaviour is communication, your ds is not being naughty he's struggling and reacting to his situation. Hitting his baby sister seems awful to an adult but he doesn't realise the implications of what he's doing. Meltdowns are frightening for children, they feel overwhelmed , unable to communicate effectively and scared. If my child has a meltdown I remove him from the situation (if possible) and sit with him till it ends, if he needs holding during it I hold him. My job during a meltdown is to bring him back to feeling safe, telling off, giving consequences during a meltdown will not be understood and will probably make the behaviour escalate.

Is your son under speech and language, if not I would suggest he is referred. Who raised possibility of autism? Have you considered seeing paediatrician? It's a long process, it can take a couple of years to get to assessment. If you think it's a possibility it would be better to do it now as he may need support in school.

With regard to behaviour a lot of children (asd or not) mask behaviour in certain situations where they feel less safe to let their emotions out and then as a result display more negative behaviour at home because they do feel safe to let their emotions out. This is not really control, the emotions don't go away they still need to come out. If you imagine you got upset at work , you may not want to cry at work so you wait until you get home. You haven't resolved the emotion you just let it out when you felt safe to do so.

Zero tolerance is a bullshit comment that generally comes from parents who have relatively easy kids who respond to 'no'

Agree with this- suggests they think that not allowing something means it doesn’t happen. That may be true for some kids but definitely not all.

@ParisHarris

Zero tolerance is a bullshit comment that generally comes from parents who have relatively easy kids who respond to 'no'

Agree with this- suggests they think that not allowing something means it doesn’t happen. That may be true for some kids but definitely not all.

Agreed

I would recommend the book 1,2,3 magic by DR Thomas Phelan. I bought it when my 2 year old ds started attacking his older sisters face and biting her in anger. If I told him off he would have an absolute meltdown and be inconsolable so I was at my wits end.

The book worked, the magic worked on both of them and he never hit it scratched her again. They're now late teens and i used the same simple theory from the book through their entire school years.

Also most of us has zero tolerance to hiting etc including you op. Id just say "I agree" and leave it at that,