Partner was a sperm donor - when to tell children

[DancingBarefootOnIce]

I’ve looked for advice but all the info I come across is about if the children’s dad isn’t biologically theirs as they used a sperm donor. In our case my partner was a sperm donor before I met him. I assume our children should be told this at some point since there are children out there biologically related to him. Is there guidance for when to tell?

Why would you tell them? Surely your partner was a sperm donor not because he wanted to be a father, I don’t think it’s your place to get involved in this at all

Does your husband know the child? Or was it confidential?

If he knows the child, has that child been told he is their biological dad? Or is it kept secret?

I probably wouldn't until they were adults themselves and could understand. Realistically, it's unlikely to impact your lives at all until any prospective children turn 18 and can seek him out anyway.

Is the donor informed of any children born? My friend was an egg donor as part of her IVF and was informed of a baby born from one of her eggs. She feels no connection to the child though, she's just glad she could help another family. I don't think she plans to tell her children.

The assumption that my partner wants to remain silent on this while I’m championing telling them myself is false. My initial thoughts were not to tell or to wait until they’re adults. It’s from my partner that I got the idea that they should know sooner. So I tried to find any info or guidance on it. I don’t get the question about why I’m involving myself in my own children’s lives and trying to find out info on what best to do.

To answer other question. Yes he’s been informed that children have been born.

Late teens, as they won't understand before then I feel. Like, physically, how that all works!

Teens, they may well learn about surrogacy, sperm donation in science or PSHE and you can mention it then. Before then they won't have any real reference to it. Or there are quite a few films where sperm donation is part of the storyline (there's definitely a JLo one I can't remember the name of, Big Bang Theory too) which could prompt a discussion.

I'd do it around 11/12 before the rebellious teens or once they are past the teen stage. It would depend on the child's personality though, some can process info like this earlier than others.

Personally I'd do this before they can properly understand it, at the age when they just accept things and it seems normal to them. If you wait until teens it may seem like a bit of a bombshell (because seeking identity is such a key part of the teen years). I'd tell them at around 8/9/10 and answer questions in an age appropriate way.

I see no reason they need to know.

@KosherDill

I see no reason they need to know.

Well, presumably op doesn’t want to end up with a situation you see on here often when people are tracked down through ancestry dna and feelings are hurt as they aren’t told of their parent’s pasta and the possibility of something like this happening.

As others have said. Teenage years when they can understand this a bit better.

As early as you can. I'm donor conceived, and it was a huge shock to me to learn later in life (I was 21).

Obviously it's different, but if your husbands biological children get in touch when they're 18 (assuming post-2005 births) then it's much easier if your children already know this might happen. If they are pre-2005 births then your children may unwittingly end up being the point of contact if they join DNA sites and donor-conceived children are searching for their bio father.

As PPs have said, tell them when they're young enough to accept it as totally normal, and answer questions as and when they have them.

My mother told my 10/11 year olds I had a miscarriage before they were born, they were really shaken by it, why hadn't I told them, why it wasn't with their dad. It seemed to shake their idea of family.
On this basis I would tell them from very young so it isn't news (like when you talk about different families, some have two mummies, some have two daddies, some have help from doctors to become mummies and daddies. Your daddy helped the doctor so another family could have a baby, this can be extended as needed)

10? They don’t need all the info all at once, but they definitely need to know. Ideally they need to know how many kids were born from their father’s donor sperm and vague time frames/geographic areas. Sex would be helpful too
So, info like; dad donated sperm and has 3 bio kids (2girls and a boy) born in the UK between 2005 and 2010. They need to know that any future romantic partners are not half siblings.

I was asking if your husband knew the child personally and if the child knew he was the bio dad because if your husband knew the kid, but the kid didn't know he was the bio dad then I would have said you cannot tell your children. Because they would totally spill the beans.

But if it was anonymous and you simply know that children exist then I would start the discussion about sperm donation when you do the sex talk at around 9/10. Once they understand that, you can then go on to say that daddy did that so someone could have a child and that means there are children out there who they have a connection to but may never meet. You'll need to explain how it will be the decision of that child, and your children won't be able to go find them. That might be hard to explain so really depends on how mature you feel your children are, and whether they are highly emotional and would find that very upsetting.

There is also the vainshingly unlikely event that one of your children could unknowingly end up in a relationship with a sibling they dont know is a sibling! So DNA testing before any marriage would be an idea.

When were the donations made; pre or post the change in the anonymity law in 2005?
If after, you have to tell your kids as they might eventually get half siblings turning up.
If anyone registers with Ancestry DNA or equivalent too. I think it would be far better to tell them when before either of these things have a chance to happen.

The main risk here is potential relationships with half-siblings. Beyond that, it’s up to your partner what he wants to share.

As early as possible in my opinion. It doesn't need to be some huge revelation or announcement.
It's not the same, but my daughter is donor conceived (lesbian couple). We used simple language when she was very young - it takes an egg from a lady and a seed from a man to make a baby. Mummy and mama only have eggs, so a very kind man gave us a seed he didn't need to help make you.'

You could use similar language and explain it in exactly the same way you might explain that (for example) daddy gives blood - because it helps people. Daddy wanted to do a very kind thing to help families who needed some help to make a baby... that kind of thing

Now and often until it is just part of normal life. It will become more normal and by not telling them you are treating it like something that needs to be hidden, which it isn't.

Before DNA ancestry then I probably wouldn't mention it. Given the risk of a contact when adult, I'd mention it without fuss before they are too old, perhaps when donation is mentioned in a news story or if a family member undergoes IVF.

The Donor Conception Network have a book for 5-10 yr olds called My Story, My Gift: How I Became A Sperm Donor. There are two versions - known recipients and unknown recipients. I can't comment on the quality or content but the DCN are very helpful in general on issues surrounding donor conception.

I would tell them at a young age - basically as soon as possible - in an age appropriate way, so that they simply accept it and won't ever be shocked by it.

I think saying they don't need to know seems silly in this day and age where people go in ancestry sites etc and can match dna
Imagine finding out you have bilogical half siblings and you think your dad has had an affair or whatever
Also there is also a chance that maybe a child could meet later on , sim but not impossible

I’d tell them as soon as possible. Knowledge before understanding is what’s advised for children of donor conceived children, and I don’t see why it would be different for children with potential donor siblings. Then it will never be a surprise, and the information is not delayed and put off as too awkward or not the right time, until your child unexpectedly finds a half sibling on a DNA testing website. There are many books for children which explain different types of families set ups including donor conception. You could read that with your children and explain that your husband donated sperm to help other people have a baby and answer any questions they have truthfully. If they are young children they’ll probably just accept it.

The reason I wouldn’t tell them is because it’s too complex an issue to comprehend as a child- it’s not a half sibling as such, they may never know them- don’t even know if the child/ children that were conceived know they were conceived in such a way.
With all due respect no idea why your husband consented to such a thing, surely sperm donors need to be detached from the whole idea of this being their child