Partner was a sperm donor - when to tell children

[DancingBarefootOnIce]

I’ve looked for advice but all the info I come across is about if the children’s dad isn’t biologically theirs as they used a sperm donor. In our case my partner was a sperm donor before I met him. I assume our children should be told this at some point since there are children out there biologically related to him. Is there guidance for when to tell?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

The reason I wouldn’t tell them is because it’s too complex an issue to comprehend as a child- it’s not a half sibling as such, they may never know them- don’t even know if the child/ children that were conceived know they were conceived in such a way. With all due respect no idea why your husband consented to such a thing, surely sperm donors need to be detached from the whole idea of this being their child

I think the idea that sperm donors just donate and never have anything to do with the child again is outdated. Current sperm donors in the UK are required to maintain up to date contact information so that any children conceived as a result of their donation are able to contact them as adults. This has reduced the amount of people willing to donate sperm, but for many donor conceived children, it’s important to have that ability to connect with their biological parent. Depending on when OP’s partner donated sperm (and assuming he donated through a sperm bank), he could have his biological children showing up to meet him in the not too distant future.

but for many donor conceived children, it’s important to have that ability to connect with their biological parent seems like a contradiction in terms

As soon as they can talk and tell them in the form of their life story

Then it will be normal for them that they have a dad but their biological dad is someone else.

From my early teens I found outside things like the blood groups of my parents, and in late teens I got asked about family medical conditions.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

but for many donor conceived children, it’s important to have that ability to connect with their biological parent seems like a contradiction in terms

I dont think you know what the phrase means.

Those terms are not contradictory.

Child psychology has shown well enough the importance of being able to connect with their biilogical past, if that is something they want.

Your husband should ask to see a Counsellor at the fertility clinic or sperm bank he donated at. Then you and he can discuss telling your children. Best to do this as early as possible an not wait until your husband's donor conceived offspring seek him out.

Thanks for the replies, some helpful suggestions. I agree that with dna testing and ancestry kits so easy to get that it makes sense to tell them at some point so not telling isn’t an option. I’d hate for them to do one and then think my partner had an affair etc.

I would tell early and simply with a 'daddy helped other families have babies' type explanation. I wouldn't talk about them being half siblings until older when they can grasp that these are 'genetically' their half siblings but might not ever be in social terms, as they may well never meet.

I definitely wouldn't ever hide something like this from my kids.

I think as soon as they are old enough to have some awareness of assisted reproduction it should be a thing to casually drop into the conversation ("...for example, Daddy did that years ago so that some other people could have a baby...") so it's never something they don't know.

I agree with people who say the younger the better.
You can easily bring it up when talking about how babies are made.
Much better to tell them before they understand it fully (and to mention it regularly after that) than to wait until late teens.

@SamBeckettsLastLeap

My mother told my 10/11 year olds I had a miscarriage before they were born, they were really shaken by it, why hadn't I told them, why it wasn't with their dad. It seemed to shake their idea of family. On this basis I would tell them from very young so it isn't news (like when you talk about different families, some have two mummies, some have two daddies, some have help from doctors to become mummies and daddies. Your daddy helped the doctor so another family could have a baby, this can be extended as needed)

Agree

It doesnt need to be a massive thing out a family secret.

I also agree tell them before they can understand, so that it's never a big announcement/revelation. It should be just part of their lives, like with any children born from a donor or a surrogate, adopted children, children who have lost a parent or sibling. They should always know right from the start, so much easier for them to deal with then.

Yy, best that it’s just always a part of their family story. No need for it to be a Big Secret until they’re older, will just make an issue of a non-issue.

I'd tell them perhaps in late teens, when they get BFs or GF's and start having sex and using contraception.

That's an opening for DH to start a conversation with them about how every child should be a wanted and planned child and he has, in the past helped infertile couples by being a sperm donor.

In the early days of sperm donors, Official UK donors were guaranteed anonymity. But the law has since changed enabling the resulting children to identify their donor at age 18 (in line with adopted children having the right to identify birth parents). So it's possible that some time in the future, his offspring may identify and trace him. (Conversation about " would we want to meet our siblings?)

I have a donor conceived child and I’ve talked to her about it from a very young age, though I’ve tried to never made a big deal of it. She doesn’t really understand it yet (she’s four), but it will never come as a shock to her. We have a book from the Donor Conception Network which I’ve read to her. On her own initiative, she has given the donor a first name.

I don’t really talk about the fertility treatment itself, because I’ve read of children who found IVF so confusing, that they spent years believing they were a robot or otherwise not human!

My DD also has donor half-siblings, but I haven’t mentioned them yet. Thanks to the HFEA, I have very basic info about them e.g. 2 boys born in 2017, 1 girl born in 2019. I must request an update and think about mentioning how “Paul” helped some other families to have babies, via a clinic.

@KosherDill

I see no reason they need to know.

As others have said in case they are tracked through ancestry websites. There is also the slim possibility their paths could cross and they end up in relationship together, which would clearly not be appropriate

I agree you should tell them, for many reasons. I'd book a consultation with a family therapist (or child's psychologist) to give you advice on how to go about it, but I wouldnt wait too much. If you make it a big deal (and a big secret) it will be a whole thing. If something is reffered to calmly, and as a normal thing, they will accept it and understand it easier.