Was your mother a birth partner?

[debbietook]

Hi

My daughter has asked to be a birth partner. Of course I've said yes, but I'm also worried...it's 33 years since I had my last baby. I want to live up to this, and would appreciate some help. If your mother was your birth partner, which things did she do that really helped in your labour?

My mother was there twice (she invited herself the second time and in the throws of labour,I wasn’t refusing)

I really wish she’d done the following

listened to me
be my voice when I couldn’t find mine
Stayed calm and told me I was doing well
Held my hand if I wanted it/let go if I did
Helped me to the toilet
Did what I asked of her-really basic things like put my socks on my cold feet

She did none of the above but did take the piss,got the midwives to run around after her,I was ignored and she only got up to ring the bell once the head arrived-the rest of the time I was made to feel demanding and a waste of her time being there

A good tip I read was ‘you are the voice of the labouring woman,listen and speak up/do as they ask,seeing the birth of the baby is a bonus’

I wish mine had

My Mum was my rock both times. I've asked her to look after my two because they adore her whilst I'm in hospital but I'd love her with me really.

My midwife tried to bully me into having mine there even though we had a really poor relationship.

But... you need to understand what she wants for her birth. Be her voice. Listen and do as she asks. Advocate for her.

Brightrainbow Sorry to hear this, but actually all incredibly useful for me - how to be...how definitely not to be..! Thank you so much. x

My mom was a mega support. Encouraging words, there when all I could think is “ i want my mom” able to speak for me when i was out of it on gas and air. She held baby whilst I was getting stitched up.

She also helped me in the shower afterwards.

girlmom21 Yes, I will do my very best to ensure that her birth plan goes the way she wants it if she's feeling weak and tired.

My mum and sister were with me first time , I was a young single mum . I had so much gas & air it was ridiculous I don't know why my mum didn't take it off me !

Thank you danikm151 All this has given me such an appreciation of the role...

My mum was there for all of mine. She was an HCP and I wanted her to keep an eye on everything and to advocate for me and the baby if anything went wrong or if she felt I needed something that wasn't being done by the hospital. She's not backward at coming forward so I knew she'd have no issue speaking up. I also figured that if the baby needed special care there would be someone to stay with me and someone could go with the baby since I also had dh there.
She was very good after the birth especially, helping me to have a bath, washing my hair supervising my stitches etc.

My mum was at DS birth and it was great. She’s lovely and she took the bottom end to help the midwife when DH couldn’t face it. She also took over texting the family including in-laws (ds was born at 4 am so no phone calls needed) whilst Dh and I enjoyed those first precious minutes. And she took photos after the birth which was helpful. And helped to carry all my stuff going up to post natal from delivery!

I'm sure you won't be anything like mine. It was 20 years ago and I just remember not understanding anything that was going on while she huddled in a corner with the midwife, making decisions I never would have made.

I wish I had felt in control of my own birth experience. The advocacy thing is very important as others have said, but also making sure she is prepared and understands every step of the way.

In contrast that baby, now 21 was my birth partner for my most recent baby, and was amazing. She baked cookies and brought them with her, and was basically on hand for whatever I needed. Carrying things, photos etc.

Just being there, and on 'on my side', was what I needed most of all.

Hell no! She wanted to be but I just wanted DH.

Nope. My mum didn't contribute to making the baby, nor was she raising it so she wasnt there.

Advice from a midwife - just remember you are there as support and don't usurp son in law/ partner - give him/her a chance to step up. If he/she is rubbish then fair enough.

Don't share your own birth story with the midwife - this time is about your daughter and not you.

And once baby has arrived give the parents a chance to bond and be a threesome.

And be calm even if you don't feel it on the inside. 😊.

If your daughter has asked you to be there she clearly trusts you. Hope it all goes well for you all.

Mine was there the first time but it was unplanned, she'd come to drop off some things and I wanted her to stay because it was getting intense (very long second stage) and I was scared. DH was great but I could tell he was scared too so having mum there just holding my hand and telling me I could do it was such a comfort.

I have 3 DDs - one of them wished me to be at the birth, the others did not. Fine by me - I wanted to them to do whatever was best for them.

The DD who wanted me there had 3 babies. For the first I was with her throughout a long labour and I felt my role was simply to try and keep her spirits up - I was still there at the point when an emergency section was needed. She was pretty terrified, especially after the house doctor came in and reeled off a whole list of potential complications without introducing herself at all - and then thrust a consent form at her. My OH was a GP - and I just said to her "You know what your Dad would say - you are more likely to get run over by a bus than to have any of those complications." That seemed to help - so I felt I had had some useful role!

I missed the third birth as I did not get there in time; but I was there at the birth of the second - I felt that my job was to be as unobtrusive as possible, but just to chip in with encouragement when needed. Her partner was also there, so I tried to make sure that I did not tread on his toes in any way.

I hope that the whole experience will be a positive one for you and your DD and her OH. Your role is to stay calm I think, especially if any interventions are needed.

My mum was when I had my first DD almost 18 years ago. I had split with baby's dad.

She was great to be honest, baby got stuck and she took one leg when the midwife took the other with my feet on their hips for extra push leverage. She spoke up for me when I was too tired to stand up for myself, she held me, talked to me and was fab.

Although she still complains now about the cramp in her foot while I was having an episiotomy and I don't doubt for a second she will be pulling that story out again at DDs 18th later this year 😂

I had my Mum and my partner at both my births. I couldn't imagine not having my mum there!
Literally her just being in that same room and her saying "I'm here love, you're going to meet your little girl soon" whilst holding my hand was every bit of support I needed and more.

My step mum who has never had kids was one of my birthing partners and she was amazing so don’t worry about how long it has been since having children. I think when it’s time your own maternal instincts will kick in and you’ll know what to do.
Every woman is different in labour and will have different preferences.
My step mum was really encouraging, and just having her there and hearing her voice was soothing enough. She held my hand and stroked my head (once again not every woman will like that during labour).
I think as long as you’re listening to you daughter and not being controlling/argumentative or have it in your head how it should be done then you will be an amazing birthing partner.
It may be worth having a conversation with her before hand and seeing what her preferences are, maybe even help/go through her birthing plan with her?
The fact you have been asked, and you are worrying about how to help her through it shows that you’re a lovely mum and you will be an amazing support.

No. I felt it was a very personal thing between me and dh.

Yes, she was brilliant. She counted between contractions and made sure I took a puff of gas and air ten seconds before the next one as that was the best way to take the edge off. She wasn't pushy, she didn't interfere in any way, just held my hand. Her presence alone was just reassuring.

My dm had a bottle of champagne and plastic wine glasses at the ready! Not only was my dm the most amazing birth partner, lots of encouragemen, but also was a fantastic advocate. I've never felt so loved as when my mum supported me during my labours/births. I'm a middle child, never felt as if I was the centre of my mother's world apart from during my labours/deliveries, was for us a huge moment of bonding.

My mum was there for my first birth (she held the Fort at home for the other two). My DH and I didn’t plan to have her past bringing us into the hospital, but ultimately I’m extremely glad she stayed.

She did a few very helpful things.

• early stages of labour, she played Scrabble with me and brought me snacks :-)
• when things started ramping up and getting very painful (augmented labour with a drip), she helped me decide whether I wanted an epidural. I did. But the midwives couldn’t get a hold of the anasthaesiologist, so my mum left for a bit to try to track someone down (unfortunately she was unsuccessful and I never got that epidural in 8 hours of labour… but that’s another story)
• she, my DH and my midwife took turns putting counter-pressure on my back at the level of the baby’s head. That ended up being the only “pain relief” I got but was pretty helpful. It’s a very physical job, so my DH definitely missed being able to share the role with her in the next two births, haha!
• She kept everyone calm. My DD’s heart rate became a bit irregular at some point and my DH started feeling faint, so she took him away to a corner of the room to sit down and then came back to keep supporting me. The midwife was a student and so was the OB, and neither was able to reach their supervisors (?!!). They were starting to panic and advocating an EMCS, but my mum actually coached THEM to breathe and calm down a bit and got them to agree to see what might happen with 2 more contractions (DD stabilized and was born something like 5 minutes later… I’d never have made it into the operating room!)
• she kept the mood light for me. When I cried “I can’t do this”, she pursed her lips, cocked an eye brow, and said “I hate to break it to you, sweetie, but that ship has sailed”
• she reminded me that the pain wouldn’t be forever. When I was in transition and terrified that I would literally die if the pain became any worse when it came time to push, she reassured me: “ it sounds crazy, but you will WANT to push. Pushing will feel really satisfying. This is far and away the worst part right now. Your body will take over when you need to push and you’ll feel totally capable and accomplished.” She was right!

My mum was there for my second. It was a planned c section and she was there because my husband had fucked off four weeks beforehand 🙄 up until the moment I went into the room I was adamant that I wasn't going to have anyone in with me because it was going to be too painful that they weren't my husband. The plan was that my mum was going to wait outside the room and if the baby had to be rushed to NICU (this had happened unexpectedly with my first hence my need to factor this in just in case) then she would accompany the baby while I was getting stitched up.

Anyway just as I was going into the room the midwife, who had no idea of this plan cheerily said 'coming then Mum?' and my mum was about to say no and looked so alone out there in the corridor that I just couldn't leave her there and told her to come in.

She was great. By my side but not intrusive, held my hand while the spinal was going in, talked calmly to me and gave me something to focus/distract me when I started going dizzy when the cannula went in (always the cannula!). She was very worried she was going to go wobbly at the sight of any of the 'gore' of the c section so made sure she knew where to position herself by subtly asking the midwife, she ensured she got some great photos of fresh out of womb baby on the scales and reminded me of all the things I particularly wanted so that I could remind the team (eg I wanted to find out the baby's sex for myself rather than have it announced)

She was just in every way a stunning and calm advocate without being bolshy (which is saying something if you've ever seen her tear some poor customer service assistant to pieces in Sainsburys. She can definitely do bolshy but there wasn't a scrap of it in the room that day)

She listened to what I needed. She took what I said seriously and she spoke up so I could concentrate on being in my bubble of breathing and being with my baby. I would absolutely consider having her in the room for labouring if she did the same things. It was incredibly special and definitely made for a lovely story to tell DS which he delights in knowing, that Grandma was there when he was born. Good luck OP, the experience I had with my mum has made me a bit furious I've had boys as I doubt any future daughter in laws will want their mils in the room but I'd love to be there for a birth!

I'd like to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who has contributed. I've been copying and pasting bits out of your messages. It's all been enormously helpful and will go towards making my daughter's experience (and that of anyone else who searches here for similar) the best it can. Much love and best wishes to you all.