What's wrong with my 3 yo?

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My 3 yo ds is so exhausting and I'm at the end of my tether literally regretting the day I ever conceived him. I love him so much but he is so exhausting. I'm running out of excuses for his poor behaviour. Before it used to be maybe his teeth, maybe he is tired, maybe he is hungry, maybe he needs a cuddle or maybe he is ill but I've run out of excuses for his difficult behaviour. Nursery hasn't flagged up any issues as he is normally ok there and recently started in January where he is getting better at following instructions and sitting down at circle time and nursery has helped in terms of structure, playing nicely etc but he is never happy with anything. Never content. Always wants more and pushes boundaries. Still can't walk alongside me as he has to discover new territories which is dangerous especially by busy roads.

I hate going out with him because I have to constantly find ways or think of strategies to keep him happy in case he has a tantrum and I have to cut a journey short leaving shopping behind and come home because I can't cope. Or if we go to the park, he is the only child there being dragged out kicking and screaming after spending a few hours there. He is constantly whinging and moaning and wanting to roam free like a bull in a china shop. He is physically and mentally draining and I hate spending any time with him. Yesterday we went passed a off licence shop and he kicked off because he wanted a kinder egg and I'm really cautious about the salmonella cases and didn't want to get him one. He would not shut up all the way home and until bed time.

I am sick of this and it hasn't got any easier as he has recently turned 3 where I thought it would get easier. He is language delayed although the pace is picking up and is stringing more words together but whatever I do or say, there is no reasoning. He has basic answers as yes I want to no I don't want to but that's it and understands me. I can't remember the last time I ate a restaurant because that's a no go as he will want to wonder around and everything is like a game to him where he thinks he is playing in really inappropriate places.

I don't know what to do, I've tried everything from distracting to entertaining and he just wants to be set free and do his own thing as he is so wild. Dh helps out a lot but thinks there's nothing wrong with him and thinks dc was very similar to him when he was the same age. Is this normal? Have you ever known a child similar to this? Does it get any easier? I feel like crying writing this and I know they are hard work but this is on another level. Maybe there is something wrong with me but all I want is to be able to enjoy the time I spend with him. I take him out a lot and never fit 2 activities in one day in case he gets overtired. He has experienced the outdoors a lot, holidays, kids activities, the park at least 4-5 times a week. He is a very lucky little brat who is never happy. Is this normal? Thank you and sorry for the long post.

Two things.

First, and I know it's really not the point of your post but Yesterday we went passed a off licence shop and he kicked off because he wanted a kinder egg and I'm really cautious about the salmonella cases - what's the connection between kinder eggs and salmonella?! I could be being super think here!

Secondly my DS has always been full on. From birth. I didn't really realise exactly how much because he's my only child. Things have hit a bit of a wall earlier this year as he's in year 1 and is struggling. Currently undergoing assessment for potential ADHD, ASD, speech issues and slow processing speed. I can't for a second say there's anything like that with your son, but I used to excuse a lot of behaviour away, or think that's just how my DS was, or compensate a lot without even really being aware and then it all kind of hit me.

I think it's really worth speaking to an understanding health visitor or GP to see if they think there could potentially be anything else going on which gives your child extra challenges.

@DropYourSword www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10703879/Urgent-recall-Kinder-Surprise-Easter-eggs-salmonella-contamination.html

Get him assessed for autism.
In the meantime time look up strategies for kids with autism and use them.
Try to remember he is good inside and anything he does is due to his brain development. He's not trying to be naughty.
It's hard x

Kinder eggs have been recalled due to an outbreak of salmonella connected to them.

This all sounds like typical 2/3 year old headstrong behaviour.

Some kids really put up a fight for what they want. That trait will stand to them when they're older but at that age it's a pita.

I would get his speech checked privately by a SALT. Frustration about inability to communicate feelings can contribute to meltdowns.

Don't wait. Much ground can be lost before school will flag anything.

In the meantime, make sure you spend time talking to DS about feelings. Make faces, name facial expressions, use a mirror, and any toys you can find where you can alter a facial expression. Teach him to tell you what he is feeling.

Thanks @Blondie1984!

My son was similar to this. He’s 5 now and he has matured and his behaviour has improved. Not perfect by any means but he’s doing better. He’s still extremely active, curious, and stubborn and I think this is just his personality. I’ve since had a daughter and she is not as busy or difficult. Sorry you’re finding him so hard to handle right now but keep up hope that he will mature. Keep in mind that age 3 is still really young.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

@mathanxiety He is so cheeky as well. For instance when he mentally drains me, he will come up to me and say "mummy happy face please" stroking my face as well. He has always been good with reading emotions but it's just he is so senseless and impulsive and doesn't follow through as he gets stuck at the very damn thing he wants to do at that very moment. Everywhere these days feels like a mine trap ready for us to step in where he will just kick off and explode. I'm thinking about private SALT therapy and any ways to help him, I guess I wanted to put him into nursery first to see if it will help with his speech which has helped for the past 3 months but I guess he needs that extra help. Dh and I were late speakers as well.

@thesnaleandthewhail

Get him assessed for autism. In the meantime time look up strategies for kids with autism and use them. Try to remember he is good inside and anything he does is due to his brain development. He's not trying to be naughty. It's hard x

Knew that would come within a few comments. 🙄

Sounds normal.

I thought about asd but the nursery hasn't commented or raised anything yet as I did have worries with him especially when he was 13 months not responding to name etc but then he had just started walking. He was literally like a cub out of his cage and into the wild discovering everything and into everything.

The pointing etc came at 18 months but before that, with his eye contact he had very good joint attention looking into my eyes trying to see if I saw the same amusing thing as him. Other than that, as he is an only child with no friends and has started nursery recently, he is still playing alongside with other children but the other children at nursery who are older than ds are also playing alongside each other, as I've seen through pick ups, drop offs and all the video/photo sent to me. Obviously I don't want to rule out asd and SALT may pick up on it.

He's 3. It's normal.

"I hate going out with him because I have to constantly find ways or think of strategies to keep him happy in case he has a tantrum"

This jumped out to me. Are you maybe trying too hard to keep him constantly happy, and thus inadvertently not teaching him to deal with frustration ? Every kid throw tantrums. It doesn't mean you have to give in to it. People stare, so what. If you say no to something and he kicks off, don't try to placate him or to give him something else to make him happy. Just explain kindly that no means no and screaming won't make a difference.
(obviously you may have already tried this, if so just dismiss what I said).

"I don't know what to do, I've tried everything from distracting to entertaining and he just wants to be set free and do his own thing as he is so wild."

You don't have to entertain him every single minute you know. When I'm having my coffee in the morning I'm happy to let mine entertain themselves (they're 2 and 3). They have toys to play with, kiddy books, etc.

" I take him out a lot and never fit 2 activities in one day in case he gets overtired. He has experienced the outdoors a lot, holidays, kids activities, the park at least 4-5 times a week."

Maybe you're taking him out too much ? If his schedule is very full it means he doesn't get as many quiet times to cool down ? Does he get enough sleep ? Mine still has a big nap in addition to a full night's sleep.

The kicking off because he wants a treat sounds pretty normal tbh. The "mummy happy face" thing sounds cute, unless he is saying it in an insolent tone. The speech delay is a bit more worrisome but at that age they can still catch up really quickly (both of mine had their speech evolve in spurts where their language improved massively within a few weeks).

Is he able to focus on an activity for at least a few minutes at a time ? What happens if you're not constantly paying attention to him ? Is he able to play nicely on his own ?
Do you have a set routine or does his schedule change all the time ?
Have you tried an earlier bed time or longer nap to make sure he's getting enough sleep ?

Thank you for your response @Marty13 I agree with the first two points you have made. I guess I'm giving in more easily than I should to avoid conflict which in the long run is much more harmful than a peaceful essential shopping at the supermarket. I am strict at home though and never give in too easily for his endless demands. To answer your other points. he has his naps in the afternoon and gets a good solid 11-12 hours sleep at night although wakes up a couple of times for me. He plays with his toys and loves legos and hot wheels although he is obsessed with aeroplanes right now and he can concentrate for 15 mins or more if he is interested and enjoying what he is doing until he moves onto something else. He is creative with the way he plays and it's generally a cause and effect style where he wants to see what happens next.

We don't use screen time during the day and I only use it when he needs some down time when me or DH is preparing dinner as he has had enough with his toys for the day or if we have been out that day. Rainy days we are indoors anyway . I can go to the toilet in peace but have to leave the doors open to make sure he is safe which he usually is or he just follows me trying to reach the liquid soap to make bubbles or something. Our schedule generally is that he just has a nap at home as he never falls asleep in his pushchair and other than that, we don't have rigid routines and quite flexible which he adapts easily until he sees somethings he could do.

I just wanted to say you are not alone. Yesterday I just felt done with my three year old son. I've got no more tolerance left. I give an inch, he takes a mile. I'm sure today will be better and I hope things improve for both of us. I absolutely feel you.

He does sound very full on; I'm not well placed to say whether his behaviour is NT but, I would say, I'd never take my DS (age 3) to a restaurant! We might manage a self-service cafe but the second he is finished eating, we are all up and off. My dd on the other hand was beautifully behaved in a restaurant at this age.

It's a tricky age. My son's speech improved dramatically age 3 years 4 months and now he is a lot happier and more manageable. I do agree that there is something about brain development in boys that speech helps calm them down an awful lot

OP I completely sympathise - my DS was similar in many ways until recently and we definitely still have our moments! He is 3Y 4M.

How often does your DS go to nursery? Also, do you regularly visit a family member or friends with kids of the same sort of age? I ask because interested in his interactions with other familiar people- my DS often would save his finest tantrums for me alone.

My DS doesn't have speech delay but he does have issues around communication (silence, not expressing his needs and wants but becoming distressed instead) and the SEN department have set some targets in the last few weeks which have really helped already. This was lead by CM. I would maybe push the nursery to refer your DS for something similar.

We found emotion peg dolls / books about emotions really useful. Sitting together and discussing them. Getting them out when DS is starting to become upset / sleepy / scared and asking him which doll he is etc.

I / CM will also sit and do something whilst describing it to DS too (they call it modelling play?) most commonly I will build something with Duplo and say everything as I do it "I am going to put this blue block here".... initially you feel like a total knob but it's actually quite relaxing and almost like doing mindfulness 😂 DS will come and join in and say what he's doing too and it's a good way to open communication.

We're lucky enough to have an enclosed garden and for a long time I couldn't face the park or other public outings. I would lock the gates and go out into the garden with DS. We use the garden to hunt for things (signs of spring fact sheets are online at the moment, but could be as simple as finding different colour flowers etc.) Sometimes I will sit for 20 minutes and have a coffee whilst he runs wild - I can see him and he's safe!

We tried reigns when walking along busy roads but DS would flop. No option other than to use a buggy even though he could walk. Of course, with CM he would be absolutely fine, but with me he would bolt! We can walk around holding hands now and your DS will get there too, it's only happened recently. We can't get away with walking around a supermarket still - he sits in the trolley seat or in his buggy and I distract him if he doesn't like it. I do the main shopping as a click and collect to minimise time spent in supermarkets with DS.

If DS shouts and cries because he wants something whilst we're out and about I just repeat "I know you want ### and you're upset but Mummy can't get you anything if you're shouting". It doesn't usually stop him but it's almost like a mantra to me and everyone in earshot - I am actually in control of this situation and doing the right thing for my child by not giving in.

Sorry, it sounds like I am just waffling about me but I am hoping some of this will be helpful! X

When we are outdoors, hell breaks loose as he sees outdoors as a massive fun fair that offers vast amounts of fun and exploration. He doesn't walk long distances despite being a good runner with a active personality and he doesn't walk alongside me despite training him to walk shorter distances without the reigns, so I have to strap him in the pushchair as he will either run off or come back for me so I can carry him.

Maybe it's me where I'm finding it difficult to cope with as I've never had any time off since the day he was born but I just find him exhausting and extremely tricky to handle. It's always uphill. We had a play date the other day and the two other kids were just being the usual annoying kids but my ds at the end of the play date was kicking and screaming not wanting to leave his friends and the play area after playing for 2 hours. Going home from the play date it was all uphill. The two boys at the play date were early speakers, speaking in sentences at 2 whereas ds was using a few words here and there. He very recently turned 3 so it's really interesting where you have mentioned about speech helping boys to calm down and I do hope this is the case with ds @LollyLol.

@builtonrocks I feel exactly like you. When he cry's or demands something, I honestly feel like using my noise cancelling AirPods as it just feels like a noise nuisance. Because he is loved, fed, well looked after but from that point, there's nothing more I can give him apart from my life so therefore I have no emotions towards him.

Maybe it's me where I'm finding it difficult to cope with as I've never had any time off since the day he was born but I just find him exhausting and extremely tricky to handle.
This stands out to me too - a couple of months ago I realised that I no longer had the resilience or patience that I desperately needed. I tried to find ways to help myself, but everything seemed like another task on a never ending to do list and in turn that made me feel worse. I went to my GP and have been taking a low dose of antidepressants since - medicating isn't my usual thing but it's made a massive difference. Things feel possible now, even though they aren't always easy. I look forward to things, realising that not everything actually is bad but I have the resilience to deal with difficult days.

Sounds like you need a break - arrange this with your OH.

Are you giving him plenty of warning that the play date is ending/it’s time to go home? Make sure he’s aware of transitions.

He sounds like a normal 3 year old to me!

I have 4 children and they all behaved like this at that age. They were full on. By the end of the day i was drained and couldn’t wait for bedtime. I often did not enjoy their company!

I think its easier if you just accept that at this age they can’t fully control their behaviour. Keep reminding him about the correct way to behave but don’t worry to much was the tantrums and defiance.

With my first child i was careful about screen time but i think i was a bit over worried about it. My youngest is 3 and i always let her watch a movie during the day so i can have some peace. I couldn’t survive the day without this break!

One of my children did turn out to have autism. His behaviour has always been more difficult to manage but he is 12 now and not at all like when he was 3. He is well behaved most of the time but occasionally has a bit of an outburst when feeling really stressed bit it quickly blows over. He is happy at school and getting on well with the work.

my son is nearly 4 and is like this! he doesnt seem to understand simple things either like if i ask him to wait a minute he will just scream like ive told him no.

I wonder if you're over estimating his comprehension abilities and making some assumptions about the nature of his language delay. This communication struggle could be a major factor in why things are feeling so hard (above the normal terrible pre school behaviour you're describing).

If you started thinking of him as 24 months old for instance, how would that shift things (if at all)?

Sounds very normal for a 3 year old.
Regarding the outdoor tantrums, honestly they all do this just yours is doing it right there and then, with you. Makes you notice. I don't register when a child is crying if it isn't mine or isn't in acute distress.

I do remember a child being dragged to cross a road. mum was obviously taking her to the pub and she was in full meltdown "but mum I need the toilet" and mum calmly stating "that's where I'm taking you!". I found it hilarious. Mum was exhausted...

See if you can recharge your patience batteries somehow. This too shall pass. If it doesn't, it'll become obvious when you need medical assistance but in a first instance treat yourself. 😉

I don’t know OP, sounds very normal to me for a 3 yr old boy. They’re bloody hard work! Nursery will teach him some boundaries and he’ll slowly get used to social situations. Wait and see if nursery flags anything. They’re pretty good at picking things up.
Mine is now 5 and still hard work!

Better speech can help me with the frustration to some extent. You could work on recasting with him. It's an early intervention strategy to improve speech. I'd say it could all be normal, 3 year olds can be little terrors, they can really big emotions that they don't understand. There's a wide range of normal behaviour. Having said that he sounds a lot like my youngest who is Autistic. I'd start with getting a referral for the speech delay as this can be a big part of frustrated acting out. Keep an eye, note down anything you have concerns about, there's no rush at 3. With my older DC it was very obvious he was Autistic by 3.5, younger one was nearly 5 before I was sure. Youngest has always been the child that would find it hilarious to run off and hide while I were desperately searching for him. Until very recently I had to put him in the trolley at the shops or he'd run off, even using an iPad he can't sit still. If he is Autistic he may be having meltdowns because he's overwhelmed. Sensory issues can be a big part of this. My older DC especially needs lots of down time and for them screens help them regulate as they can zone out for a bit and give themselves a break from everything else. Not for everyone, some DC go for other way, but for mine screentime helps them regulate and gives me a break. It's still tough, but in different ways and there's ebbs and flows, sometimes we're in a bad patch sometimes things are easier. The biggest issue at the moment is my health not DCs behaviour. It being hard so far doesn't mean it always will be.