What's wrong with my 3 yo?

[HotCrossTum]

My 3 yo ds is so exhausting and I'm at the end of my tether literally regretting the day I ever conceived him. I love him so much but he is so exhausting. I'm running out of excuses for his poor behaviour. Before it used to be maybe his teeth, maybe he is tired, maybe he is hungry, maybe he needs a cuddle or maybe he is ill but I've run out of excuses for his difficult behaviour. Nursery hasn't flagged up any issues as he is normally ok there and recently started in January where he is getting better at following instructions and sitting down at circle time and nursery has helped in terms of structure, playing nicely etc but he is never happy with anything. Never content. Always wants more and pushes boundaries. Still can't walk alongside me as he has to discover new territories which is dangerous especially by busy roads.

I hate going out with him because I have to constantly find ways or think of strategies to keep him happy in case he has a tantrum and I have to cut a journey short leaving shopping behind and come home because I can't cope. Or if we go to the park, he is the only child there being dragged out kicking and screaming after spending a few hours there. He is constantly whinging and moaning and wanting to roam free like a bull in a china shop. He is physically and mentally draining and I hate spending any time with him. Yesterday we went passed a off licence shop and he kicked off because he wanted a kinder egg and I'm really cautious about the salmonella cases and didn't want to get him one. He would not shut up all the way home and until bed time.

I am sick of this and it hasn't got any easier as he has recently turned 3 where I thought it would get easier. He is language delayed although the pace is picking up and is stringing more words together but whatever I do or say, there is no reasoning. He has basic answers as yes I want to no I don't want to but that's it and understands me. I can't remember the last time I ate a restaurant because that's a no go as he will want to wonder around and everything is like a game to him where he thinks he is playing in really inappropriate places.

I don't know what to do, I've tried everything from distracting to entertaining and he just wants to be set free and do his own thing as he is so wild. Dh helps out a lot but thinks there's nothing wrong with him and thinks dc was very similar to him when he was the same age. Is this normal? Have you ever known a child similar to this? Does it get any easier? I feel like crying writing this and I know they are hard work but this is on another level. Maybe there is something wrong with me but all I want is to be able to enjoy the time I spend with him. I take him out a lot and never fit 2 activities in one day in case he gets overtired. He has experienced the outdoors a lot, holidays, kids activities, the park at least 4-5 times a week. He is a very lucky little brat who is never happy. Is this normal? Thank you and sorry for the long post.

Rather than wait for nursery to mention something to you, why not have a chat with his key worker and tell her your concerns. They may be able to reassure you and look out for anything too. But just to reiterate what pp have said, 3 year old can be brutal. He's only just turned 3 as well, there's still time for things to improve!

High needs child or possibly if any othe signs adhd or asd.

I'd ask hv to visit and discuss behaviour in case of asd but basically it's about lowering expectations of him and managing the environment. So do take him out and do stuff so he gets use to it but make it manageable. If he struggles with not being allowed to do things and being told no pick a park/soft play that only has toddler equipment. If he can't queue avoid queues. If he struggles at gps house take some tools - iPad, food etc and only stay a short time. Find things he enjoys and do a bit each day. Set routine eg - bfast, dressed , play, lunch, outing, tea, books bath bed. Keep it pretty much same everyday. Cook in batch so on challenging days you can grab something out the freezer. Try to clean when you get a spare bit of time but don't do it when ds is needing attention it will just frustrate you both Any thing new happening prepare home with talking and pictures. Consider doing a daily planner. If he has little things he does that help him eg lining toys or reading the same book over and over give him time to do those things. Don't discipline the small stuff pick your battles. Keep discipline consistent and in the moment, don't make empty threats. Time out is a good one, but sit with him for the two minutes. Is he in nursery,? If not can you afford to send him? Do you have oh or family to help?

Eurgh a THREEnager. They are awful. Almost tipped me to the edge of sanity

1. Get some time to yourself by any means necessary to recharge your batteries

1. He's a perfectly normal 3 year old exploring the world, testing boundaries etc. Your response to his emotions will almost certainly shape his behaviour in the moment and in future

1. Try and set him up for success. Make sure there's a safe play space for him where there won't be any "no's" from you. And when you go outdoors, find somewhere where he can run free, again without you needing to shout and intervene so much

1. When it seems he's acting out 'on purpose,' this is often a cry for connection, get down to his level, empathise with him and cuddle him, be there for him, play with him etc. You don't always have to say much.

1. Go back to number 1 again!!

He sounds EXACTLY like my DS, even down to the stroking your face whilst demanding you be happy. He has improved considerably recently now he is heading towards 4. We enjoy him much more now. He needs firm boundaries, lots of exercise and decent sleep.

It will improve OP, and it sounds all very normal.

This all sounds very normal! What I think you need is a few days off/away, can this be arranged?

It does sound on the more extreme end of normal and very exhausting. Definitely worth pursuing SALT – they might also be able to advise if the speech delay is isolated or if it's part of any wider issue. A friend's DS is going through this process now and the speech therapist has indicated she thinks that the speech delay is part of a wider condition rather than 'just' being a delay. And that has given my friend some ammunition to push things with health visitor.

I will say that DD is generally a very chilled and well behaved 3yo but I wouldn't expect her to sit in a restaurant for any length of time other than to eat her food. We choose family places with outside play areas etc that she can go in when she gets restless. So I don't think that part is unusual at all! But some young children are just more 'challenging' than others, and not necessarily any indication of behaviour or character a few years down the line.

The book 'How to talk so little kids listen' has some good strategies for avoiding tantrums and conflict. I've found quite a few things work well on my DD.

Another vote for avoiding restaurants; I thought that was pretty normal, I don’t often see 3 year olds sitting for hours on end.

When our 2yo has a tantrum I just hug him and tell him it’s ok to feel frustrated if something happens we don’t like. Feeling frustrated is ok, I shrug and say ‘urgh’ and he does the same and we usually move on.

I mean sometimes he’s led down at the self service checkout screaming because I didn’t let him press the buttons on screen, they are quite bad but have always been solved with the above. Explaining things to him seems to help him chill out.

I think this all sounds ABSOLUTELY NORMAL. He's a 3 year old little boy!! I know it's not fashionable to acknowledge that boys and girls are in fact different, but in general most little boys are going to be a bit boisterous. They are unlikely to be quiet, compliant and interesting in sitting down activities at that age. Somewhere between the ages of 5 and 7 he will probably calm down a bit.

I really think we need to stop pathologising normal little boy behaviour. They don't all have ADHD and autism. Nothing the OP has said shouts neurodiversity. It's getting ridiculous now.

Boys can be physically hard work at this age, it's just a developmental stage they have to get through.

My son was exactly the same it was exhausting, when he was about 7/8 it was like a switch flipped he became a lot calmer a real pleasure to spend time with, is now at Uni and the most lovable cheeky kind young man. Hang on in there it does get easier!

Hi there - I have had an exceptionally volatile almost 3 year old so far as well. This may be of zero use but:

I have found that most of my frustration or anger with my child's behaviour comes when I am anxious. If I reflect on what specifically in the instance is making me anxious, I'll usually be able to.work out that I'm worried my child will become / be viewed as / adopt behaviours X Y or Z. For example, my son came whining to me a couple of days ago. He's 2 and quite sensitive, and needed a cuddle. Instead, I said briskly, must you whine? I realised later, to my shame, that this was what my family said to me. I was a 'whiner' and even now I remember being made to feel shitty because of it. I can still feel everyone's borderline disgust at me because of it. So I projected this.

It sounds like your child is a bit confused - is making you angry a good or bad thing? Are some patterns of behaviour a game or is he just acting out patterns of behaviour learning about the world?

It may be useful (or may not be) to reflect deeply and honestly with yourself on 2 questions:

1. Which aspects of his behaviour frustrate you the most and why is that? He's a toddler and is just doing what toddlers do. So realistically it's likely to be your hangup. Working this out really does help you not project it onto him.

1. If you were (again) honest with yourself, what do you think you're doing "wrong". I don't necessarily think you are doing anything wrong, but all parents (good ones) have acres of self-doubt and sometimes we double down on frustration and discipline to compensate for that. For example, I worry that I'm too strict / not strict enough from day to day, and talking that through with people helped me realise it was both. I was too scared of the tantrums to say no calmly, often enough, and had too little faith in my own authority to be calm in the knowledge that my boundaries were fine and he should fall In line. As a result, I often boiled over and got too angry when it all added up. Since becoming conscious of this, I've been very consistent in calm boundaries and our relationship is much better.

Feel free to use, abuse or ignore the above advice

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think he does pick up on my behaviour as well as I'm quite a anxious person. Maybe it's become more obvious overtime with my patience thinning. I'm also a bit of a control freak but at the last play date, there were literally 10 other kids on top of the slide and I was the only parent there shouting at ds to wait for his turn. I do helicopter him a lot unfortunately, not because he is a precious first child but because I get worried he is going to cause destruction or accidental injury to another kid. I can never fully relax when I'm in public with him and must be on full alert. I've started the gym recently where I get 2 hours to myself and I've recently talked to my mum where she has agreed to take him for a couple of days overnight.

My mum who looks after him sometimes says he is well behaved only when I'm not around, I think he is only very difficult to me and dh where he knows we are his comfort zone. At nursery, he is very affectionate towards the teachers and generally well behaved. Only complaint we have had so far is he once threw his toy and it bounced and it another kid. When he saw the other kid crying, ds apparently cried as well and said sorry and hugged the kid.

I really feel for you OP, it's clear that you need a bit of time to yourself and I am glad that your Mother is going to facilitate that.

It sounds really positive that your DS is actually well behaved when you aren't there. Also, he clearly has empathy from his reaction to accidentally hurting another child at nursery.
When he is with you he is pushing the boundaries. It is exhausting, it is not fun and it brings out all of those toxic self doubts that we anxious parents battle with. However, it is perfectly "normal".

It might seem unbelievable to you, but from an outside perspective I can see that things are turning a corner already. Your DS is already improving his communication skills and behaves well in other settings (because of the work that you have put in showing him those boundaries he's always pushing).
You are already taking more time for yourself, which is going to give you the breathing space to see clearly, improve patience and grow resilience.

You are both just around the corner from a more relaxed and enjoyable place. I'm not suggesting that there will never be tantrums or difficult moments but I suspect in a couple of months time you'll find that they are rarer than now and you are more able to brush them off.

All the best OP x

He's difficult for you because your his safe space to let his feelings out which whilst it's hard for you is fantastic that he has that. I know what you mean about the worry, if I heard crying my first thought is "what's he done now" it does get easier communication as they get older massively helps as does starting school.

@HotCrossTum

Thank you everyone for your responses. I think he does pick up on my behaviour as well as I'm quite a anxious person. Maybe it's become more obvious overtime with my patience thinning. I'm also a bit of a control freak but at the last play date, there were literally 10 other kids on top of the slide and I was the only parent there shouting at ds to wait for his turn. I do helicopter him a lot unfortunately, not because he is a precious first child but because I get worried he is going to cause destruction or accidental injury to another kid. I can never fully relax when I'm in public with him and must be on full alert. I've started the gym recently where I get 2 hours to myself and I've recently talked to my mum where she has agreed to take him for a couple of days overnight.

My mum who looks after him sometimes says he is well behaved only when I'm not around, I think he is only very difficult to me and dh where he knows we are his comfort zone. At nursery, he is very affectionate towards the teachers and generally well behaved. Only complaint we have had so far is he once threw his toy and it bounced and it another kid. When he saw the other kid crying, ds apparently cried as well and said sorry and hugged the kid.

This rings true for me also. I think some of us have expectations that our toddlers should be behaving in a very specific way, all of the time. I'm a teacher, and more and more I realise that I'm expecting what I would expect out of a teenage student, at home. That's just not reasonable. The child had emotions, the world is crazy and he has to let of at us and learn what's okay, what isn't, and just have a safe space.

The playdate also helps me with that. I see other parents not taking it so seriously, not getting anxious. Stepping in - yes - but shrugging it off as normal toddler behaviour. I really need that - the constant reassurance that it's normal- that I haven't inadvertently created a monster.

How is he now ? My 3yo is similar x

I replied to this almost three years ago, at the time I'd had a super tough day with my three year old boy. Everyone told me "You're just not used to boys, it's normal toddler behaviour." Now he's five, he's already been off-rolled from school as they couldn't cope. He has a PDA diagnosis and I've had to step in as his home educator. (This is not my choice but there is no education available for in between children - mainstream can't cope and traumatise them but they are too academic for SEN schools.) My son is now doing well but I've sacrificed a lot. I've had to learn a whole new skill set and totally different parenting techniques. I just wanted to update for those reading who blame themselves or are being blamed. If you're struggling sometimes there is another reason, I'm glad I was an experienced parent, I would have struggled and blamed myself if I couldn't clearly see the differences with my children.