Crappy experience at a 5yr old's birthday party

[DidoTwyte]

My DS (5, in Reception/Early Years) was invited to a birthday party today from someone he says is one of his best friends at school. We were excited for it! I don't get to do school pick-ups often because of work so am not very conscious of friend groups etc.

When we turned up, it was just us and another child who my son has been on playdates with over the past couple of weeks. My son says this child is his best friend but on the two occasions he's been over to ours, this boy is very overbearing and I've had to step in a a few times as he constantly bosses my DS about and is generally quite unkind.

I know my DS is sensitive - he has a speech delay and stammer so he's not easily understood. But at the party today, while they were eating, the child whose birthday it was said (DS) is not my friend. The other child laughed and said 'why'd you invite him them?' And he just shrugged and said 'I don't know.' The kids were kind of sitting together and i was behind my son who looked immediately uncomfortable.

Then, as they were getting ready to play again, from a distance I watched both of them tell him they weren't his friend. My DH told me to stay out of it but my DS was really upset and told me they often said this stuff to him at school too. He tried to join in but was basically ignored by these boys ((it was a loud, crowded venue so parents generally unaware).

So, i've gone from thinking my DS was happy in early years to thinking his so-called friends are pretty cruel. I didn't mention it to the mums at the time (one I know fairly well, the other I met for the first time) as didn't want to blow things out of proportion and I also know the dynamic of three is rubbish but how can I help my son? It broke my heart today seeing him so sad. He's so quiet - what would be a good way to grow his self-confidence? Should I encourage him to ditch these 'friends?' Should I just chill the f out because he's 5?

I would ask school about this; my DD was part of a group of 3 at pre school and when we had play dates with all 3 girls there was sometimes these kind of exchanges but the pre school put my mind at rest about it saying that it happens now and again but on the whole they do all get on.

Aw, I can understand how you feel. I think if I were you I'd have a quiet word with the teacher and ask them to encourage
& support your ds in making some new friends / widening his circle.

My son is in reception and has a similar
‘Friend’. I basically say things like “oh a kind friend wouldn’t say that” etc… he’s started to distance himself from these ‘friends’.

It’s really hard in these situations as we all want our kids to be happy and have nice friends who boost their self confidence

Ah, thank you all. It's always better to feel you're not alone in a situation!

Am definitely going to use that language @onceuponarainbow18 and start trying to distance him from these boys as well as speak to his teacher.

I understand how you feel. You must tell your son to steer clear as I know they’re only young but it can affect their self esteem even at this age. He will learn from the experience but you must make him aware what is acceptable and what’s not.

Yes encourage your son to find new friends OP, seek out play dates with nice kids only and gently reinforce it’s not how you behave in your family xx

Nothing useful to add except it must be heartbreaking for you 💐. Your son sounds lovely. Don’t put up, or et him put up with this. Protect him and help him find better friends xx

You don't need to stay out of it, they're only 5 and still need support with friendships. It's fine to intervene (nicely) and say "oh that wasn't a kind thing to say" if another kid is mean to yours. I'd have gone and tried to help him join in, suggested games or ways they could play together. Just knowing an adult is monitoring things might encourage the other kids to have behaved better.

I would say that there's a leader and your boy represents a threat to them - perhaps the other boy likes your DS so the leader feels they have to divert the other boy away by being mean. Id identify the leader and then tell ds to stay clear and also speak to the teacher about this so it's on their radar.

@thebabynanny

You don't need to stay out of it, they're only 5 and still need support with friendships. It's fine to intervene (nicely) and say "oh that wasn't a kind thing to say" if another kid is mean to yours. I'd have gone and tried to help him join in, suggested games or ways they could play together. Just knowing an adult is monitoring things might encourage the other kids to have behaved better.

This. Like fuck would I sit there and watch these two little gobshites upset my 5yo son. No wonder he’s so timid and shy when he’s getting bullied in front of his own mother and even she won’t stick up for him!

As a teacher, definitely tell the teacher exactly what was said and say you'd appreciate him being given support with finding another friendship group. They don't sound like nice boys - I don't think it is just because they're 5. I know plenty of lovely 5 year olds. And if you can, make a real effort to arrange other play dates with other children who may be nicer.

Have you spoken to the mum of the birthday boy? Presumably she must think they are friends if only your son and one other was invited. Maybe her son is influenced by the other boy - kids do have a habit of doing stupid things in groups.

Definitely keep an eye on it but I wouldn't worry too much.

That's quite a judgement there @babadook76. I saw what was happening from a distance but we only got the full story after. He was on a skate rink at the time but from body language I knew he was upset and guessed it had followed on from what I'd half-heard when they were eating.

Thanks so much for the supportive comments. I only asked here because a) it honestly broke my heart and b) DH was all for minimising - don't make a big deal etc.

Am going to definitely mention it to the teacher and make a proper effort to find like-minded friends for him.

We had similar and arranged a meeting with the teacher who was fantastic about the whole thing. If your son isn’t happy at school, he won’t be able to focus on his learning. It’s in the teacher’a interest as well for your son to be happy and settled in a friendship group.

It’s fine to ask for a meeting or a phone call with the teacher about this, rather than just mention casually at pick up.

I agree with some social engineering. Maybe get the teacher’s advice on who is maybe a bit quieter and also kind.
And reinforce to your son that friends are fun but they are also kind to you.

Sorry - get advice on who and then ask them for a play date.

Was it just the three boys there?

Next time, take him away straightaway. He's 5. He doesn't deserve to get treated like that.

Just re-read

When we turned up, it was just us and another child who my son has been on playdates with over the past couple of weeks

The birthday boy has obviously asked his parents to invite your DS so it's very strange. Kids can be horrible at times though.

I stand by my previous comment of remove him next time. There are other children who won't treat him unkindly.

It’s common for children with speech delay to have difficulty with friendships (my son did) and sadly often children are not kind.
Great advice from other posters about speaking to your son and to school.
Also what helped my son was social stories and books The Berenstain Bears. Just a bit extra social scaffolding. Also good are structured clubs with a caring adult presence. Makes the child feel safe and confident.
Trust your gut. You are his Mum and know him best.

Yeah, we did we remove him early from the party as soon as I'd spoken quietly to him and realised exactly what had happened. It is odd that he was one of two boys invited - I was entirely convinced he was close friends with the birthday boy as DS always talks about him - I'd hoped he was kinder than the other boy and was ready to set up some play dates.

It's so rubbish, DS is honestly the sweetest. If I'd had understood the full conversation when they were eating we would have left then and there. I came over a little late as I'd popped to the loo and caught the tail end of it - along the lines of 'I don't know why I invited him, he's not my friend' but I didn't realise he was referring to my DS as they'd all been scooting together. I asked the mum I knew well what was happening as my DS looked uncomfortable but she just smiled and turned away saying 'oh, I don't know - kids!' Then, about ten minutes later I saw the exchange on the skate area (from a distance) and realised something was definitely up. Then, after checking in with DS I insisted we leave straight away.

I didn't realise anything was up beforehand as they were all just scootering around and not really chatting.

Thank you @nrlySp. We will check out the bears! I've mentioned this to his class teacher before - that I'm concerned about how he will settle in socially with his speech delay and stammer - but she's always said he's doing brilliantly. And I thought he was too - until witnessing his interactions with his supposed 'best friends!'

The fact that he said they do this to him at school makes me very worried about his self-esteem, as others have said, so will definitely take advice and make the teacher aware next week.

The fact that he said they do this to him at school makes me very worried about his self-esteem, as others have said, so will definitely take advice and make the teacher aware next week.

Definitely work with the teachers, great idea from PPs.

Help him reframe it as best you can. I remember years ago, my little nephew trying to give his friends sweets. They kept running away from him.. I called him over and raved about how there was now more sweets for us! It's horrible and it's heart breaking. But he's got you.

Bless him he sounds like a really lovely lad, I would deffo mention it to teacher for a bit of support finding some friends not frenemies !!
Would he go to out of school clubs ? Make new friends and develop confidence ??

I grew up with a cousin like this, @DidoTwyte. She consistently played favourites and just had to let me know that she liked Emma or Deborah or whomever better than she liked me — in front of us both.

Time marched on, and the only constant was that we were very close as cousins. She burned many bridges with friends, through backstabbing, money and the like.

She died at 40 from cancer — friendless, except for me. It was pitiful.

Your son may go through this for awhile — and it’s painful for you to watch. But it won’t last forever and in the end, your son will be more empathetic and kind and will choose the kind of friends he deserves. Hang in there. ❤️