Crappy experience at a 5yr old's birthday party

[DidoTwyte]

My DS (5, in Reception/Early Years) was invited to a birthday party today from someone he says is one of his best friends at school. We were excited for it! I don't get to do school pick-ups often because of work so am not very conscious of friend groups etc.

When we turned up, it was just us and another child who my son has been on playdates with over the past couple of weeks. My son says this child is his best friend but on the two occasions he's been over to ours, this boy is very overbearing and I've had to step in a a few times as he constantly bosses my DS about and is generally quite unkind.

I know my DS is sensitive - he has a speech delay and stammer so he's not easily understood. But at the party today, while they were eating, the child whose birthday it was said (DS) is not my friend. The other child laughed and said 'why'd you invite him them?' And he just shrugged and said 'I don't know.' The kids were kind of sitting together and i was behind my son who looked immediately uncomfortable.

Then, as they were getting ready to play again, from a distance I watched both of them tell him they weren't his friend. My DH told me to stay out of it but my DS was really upset and told me they often said this stuff to him at school too. He tried to join in but was basically ignored by these boys ((it was a loud, crowded venue so parents generally unaware).

So, i've gone from thinking my DS was happy in early years to thinking his so-called friends are pretty cruel. I didn't mention it to the mums at the time (one I know fairly well, the other I met for the first time) as didn't want to blow things out of proportion and I also know the dynamic of three is rubbish but how can I help my son? It broke my heart today seeing him so sad. He's so quiet - what would be a good way to grow his self-confidence? Should I encourage him to ditch these 'friends?' Should I just chill the f out because he's 5?

Thank you @Schmz - out of school clubs are actually something I've been thinking of. He's very quiet but there's a couple of local clubs we could try - especially if we can convince his older sister to go along too.

And thanks so much for all the supportive comments. Watching your kids navigate all this is so SO hard, isn't it?

A lot of reception kids seem to do this OP - it isn’t necessarily meant in as mean a way as it sounds to adult ears. DS’s best friend decided she wasn’t his friend for a while (and was very vocal about it) but is now back to being friends with him. DS is also pretty vocal about which kids he does and doesn’t like, in a much franker way than any adult would be.

It sounds like a good idea to speak to the teacher and to widen his social circle at school, but if your son says this boy is his best friend you don’t necessarily need to write him off altogether or actively separate them.

@thebabynanny

You don't need to stay out of it, they're only 5 and still need support with friendships. It's fine to intervene (nicely) and say "oh that wasn't a kind thing to say" if another kid is mean to yours. I'd have gone and tried to help him join in, suggested games or ways they could play together. Just knowing an adult is monitoring things might encourage the other kids to have behaved better.

This is EXACTLY what I would do.

What horrible kids! I disagree with your DH, it isn’t interfering to step in when your child is being bullied in front of you. (Men tend to take the lazy path in parenting I find…) I would have either told the other kids off or approached the parents personally.

Anyway, discuss with teacher, don’t accept further invites from those kids, and GET MORE INVOLVED in your child’s social life, the other mums will still be friendly at reception level, but as the children get older and parent cliques form and become established, it becomes so much harder. I known it’s tricky when you work but nothing stops you throwing an xmas party, halloween party, easter party, random summer get together etc. Or just message parents of kids your son likes suggesting a playdate. You need the other kids to think your kid is cool and that won’t happen without help.

Definitely talk his teacher. Let her know what happened at the party. Parties are a great way for parents to see how children behave at school-they give you a glimpse into the relationships and personalities of the children. I expect this really is happening at school and I’d be surprised if the teacher was unaware. Keep talking to your ds about his friendships and his feelings. Help him to build friendships with kind friends-play dates etc, even if you’re really busy.

I work in the school and the dynamics of a group when one or two children join the mix changes everything ! Your son could play perfectly fine with one of them or both of them on their own but when a certain few get together it's a nightmare !

My son included tells me so n so is his best friend then when at school I notice that if so called best friends with a certain other then my son's pushed out as he isn't as strong a character and the best friends personality also changes into quite bossy etc ! .

I would encourage self love, and love from yourselves to him build his self esteem up were trying hard with my.son who's just 6 but very sensitive!! And he takes it all to heart X x

@Neverreturntoathread I’m not that bothered about other kids thinking DS is cool - I’d be happy with him just having a kind friend.

Definitely have a low opinion of these two children now but can also see @Changechangychange point too.

As for stepping in - I would have but as I said before it was a really weird dynamic for a party - I’d imagined it was a class party but it was a few children at a busy skate centre - there wasn’t much opportunity for monitoring and the music was really loud. I wish I’d done more in retrospect though.

You definitely need to speak to the school as although they are 5 things can escalate and we want our children to feel in a safe environment as well as on the flip side to be kind and treat others with kindness. As a parent of my son was mean I would want to speak to him about it. We have books on kindness and discuss how this is what’s most important in the world, empathy and respect and kindness to others.
My son is 5 and loves school since he started in reception and has quite a few friends, the party invites are at times exhausting lol but he wants to be with the boys he finds I think really cool with their superheroes - he has a mixture of girls and boys as friends. Well I got a call from the school 2 weeks ago by his teacher who was upset and said one of his “best friends” when my son took something they were playing with pushed him to the ground and got two other children to help him poke him with sticks… my son later confirmed he took a stick that he was proving him woth. They then chased him laughing and poking him and jumped on his back. The teachers were horrified and my son was devastated… they got them to apologise and had my son tell them why it upset him abd how it made him feel … the headmaster was called into it and parents notified - one parent I’m very friendly with as the ringleader was his best friend and they have had play dates. She told me next day she was mortified - told him no TV and discussed that this wasn’t rough play it was Bullying- she expressed to me how although they are 5 they are in the process of being shaped, she won’t have her son do such.
We often say boys will be boys in this world but as I’ve seen written this isn’t what we should think but rather they should be good humans. I’ve since been told the parents are being brought in to discuss that this is not what is expected.
I have also been trying to gently steer my son to his other friends - asking him to make sure he plays different things with different children as think that’s also helathy. He was totally forgiving and fine the next day saying “mummy they said sorry it’s ok” but I haven’t been - it saddens me and scares me the lord of the flys image of the “gang” mentality and I worry for him and check daily with the teacher as school is meant to be a safe place. So definitely talk to teachers so they at least keep an eye and read books and instil in the children kindness and values

This whole ‘then I'm not your best friend’/’you're not my friend’ all that it's so puerile but my daughter never does it but I notice some children do. It's never really meant but it's just a way to immediately hurt the person you perceive as hurting you, for not giving over a toy etc. I tell my daughter in no uncertain terms that the person does not mean it and are trying to hurt her because they are being petty. I just try to teach her about how people say things they don’t mean and why. No tests have been carried out, therefore we cannot comment on their use the fittings are considered to be serviceable but most respective purchasers would look to upgrade these in the future, the cost and inconvenience of which should be appreciated. There's not much else I feel I can do, even though I do say to the child saying it things like that is a silly thing to say, you don’t mean that, or sometimes ask ‘why are you saying that?’ or tell them they are being not nice. If their parents won't or can't do it then I will, only politely though as it's the truth.

My girl gets very upset by this at times, she is 6, and takes it to heart as she is sensitive and loves her friends.

It's also very natural for children such as my daughter and your son and many other children to proclaim a child is their “best friend” straight away as that’s how they feel. I'm the same, if I get along with someone then they instantly become like a best friend to me because I know how valuable people are who are decent.

If your similar to us then your child would not dream of saying such a thing, but many important in this world say hurtful things for various reasons and our children just need to know this is something that happens.

I would talk to the school, but I would try not to write off the birthday boy. They are still very young if they've only just turned 5.

My daughter is five and her idea of what friendship is much more of a temporary 'how I'm feeling about this person this second' than an adult understanding of the word friendship. She can be best friends with someone she's been playing with for two minutes and will declare someone she's played with for the years is no longer her friend because they fought over a toy - and the friend will do the same, and yet they'll be thick as thieves the next day.