Hi,
My fiancé has two children that are 17 and 18 years old. They hardly stay with us and when they do, twice a month, they are in their rooms or go out.
My two children are 10 and 12. We have them all the time as their dad has now cut them off completely.
My fiancé always gets annoyed with my two children. My children are not perfect, but they are good children. They are polite, they are loving, they are kind and caring, they are generous and share, they do household jobs like: bring their washing down, make their beds, dust their rooms, helpful around the house, wash their dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, they have good attendance and behaviour at school etc. they are by no means perfect, but they are good kids.
However, my fiancé never compliments any of that. He points out all the things they do wrong. The mucky marks on the walls in the hall way, the way the floorboards creak when my daughter dances or does a work out in her bedroom (she is 12 and her bedroom is directly above our living room) etc.
I think my son has ADHD or similar and is being assessed at the moment, so he is very forgetful about things, answers back, gets moody and angry about circumstances and my fiancé has no patience for this.
He complains everyday about them. So much so that he doesn't want to go aboard with us all together as he thinks my son would ruin it and he said it would be like burning £6k.
He shows me when they haven't rinsed or washed up their things properly, shows me their poo stains in the toilet and shows me all the marks they have made on the door.
His two children are by no means perfect but I just let it go to save arguments. His sons room is a put of dirty washing under the bed, wrappers everywhere from sweets and chocolates these are under the bed, in the bed and everywhere, clothes are strewn across the floor, bottom of wardrobes too. His daughter just hands in her underwear to wash like her brother when they remember, I haven't washed any of their clothing in months. But I don't say anything to keep the peace.
If I don't agree with my fiancé, such as suggest that my daughter has my step son's room when he goes to uni in a couple of year's time etc rather than creaking the floorboards and playing her music loud, he gets really annoyed because he wants ME to tell her to stop doing all the things she wants to do in her room and she can do them in the back room, the garage etc. I said she can do those things in the back room for the next two years but then it makes sense for her to have the downstairs room when she is older if the sound of her annoys him. He got angry at this.
He brought up all the mess they make. I said they are kids, do you not remember when your two were young? Then he said no. He also said that this is why he never talks to me when he is annoyed as he just feels worse. I suggested he talks to someone who had younger children about his feelings to see what they say. He snapped my head off and said no, this is my house and this is what I want. I don't care what others do. I said it would do him good to listen to others and then maybe see that children making some noise, is very normal. He stormed out of the house and went to work early. Just to upset me. He can be very cruel, yet the world sees him as the nicest guy.
He doesn't show his impatient and angry side to the world. They wouldn't believe me. He is so calm, attentive and patient at work and with others. It frustrates me to high heaven. He had an affair two years ago with a work colleague of his, which I am not allowed to talk about either.
He gets so angry with me. He rarely, if ever compliments me on anything I do, I often get a patronising "well done dear" or some back handed compliment. He mocks me (although says it's a joke) a lot of the time. I feel hurt and sad. I often wonder if it's emotional abuse.
Can anyone help or offer some support?