School “mum” friends

[AHungryCaterpillar]

Am I the only one who has never made mum friends at their kids school? I see people say it like it’s almost an assumption you will make loads of mum friends once your kids start school but that’s never happened with me. No one seems particularly friendly, everyone stands around they don’t really make eye contact. It would be hard to even start a conversation. I’m not the type to approach people so it just never happened. I don’t see anyone anymore now as different pick up time but like I said people say it likes it’s a given. Has anyone else not made friends at the school gate?

When dd1 was at nursery, there was a very weird unfriendly dynamic among the parents and despite me actively being friendly, I only got to know two parents. When dd joined school, the dynamic was completely different. I behaved in exactly the same way and made loads of friends. My DC are now teens and some of those parents have become very close friends. I suppose what I'm saying is that sometimes group dynamics make it difficult to make friends and at other points, the group dynamics make it much easier.

@lancslass17

My Ds is at nursery, and nope no friends I am Facebook friends with a few. Last Christmas I put my number in a few cards and said if you ever want a play date let me know, not heard back from anyone. See what school brings in September.

@lancslass17 That's such a shame. I would be delighted if someone made the first move and did that. Keep doing it when you get to school, hopefully someone reciprocates.

I thought there'd be more play dates/parties but my y2 dd doesn't get invited to that many. I'm an 'outsider' though, most parents seem to be locals in that they grew up in and have never left the area and know each other and tend to favour their friends kids when it comes to parties. The few of us who aren't from here haven't been accepted and the other 'outsiders' are quite quiet/reserved. I say hello and exchange pleasantries but have so far avoided the cliquey politics.

I also work ft and share pick up/drop off with dh which appears to make me a terrible parent and dh a saint 🙄 poor, poor man having to collect his own child while the heartless woman dares have a career!

I have DS year 5 and DS year 3, when eldest started I got chatting with a few parents and out of those have remained close friends with 2/3 of them, a couple more I say hi to/general chat now and again but not really close. I think I made more effort with other parents the first time around, by the time my younger one started I already knew a few of the parents cos of the older siblings etc. I honestly don't go looking to make friends now with other parents, as bad as it sounds, my life is busy and full with other family/friends/kids/work/uni etc, but if I happened to get chatting to someone lovely I would of course be open to becoming closer. One of my close school mum friends is my DS's best friend's mum. There are lots of cliques/groups of 'cool' mum's that go out a lot but I've never been interested in that stuff, I'm quite introverted and not massively into going out etc. The school mum friends I do have I tend to see at playdates with our kids, but coffee/meal out/drinks every now and again.

It is nice but it wouldn't massively affect my life if I was without it I guess. I think being close with other school parents can bring drama, especially when kids fall out etc it can become awkward.

@MajorCarolDanvers

I work and don't do the school gate and I have my own friends

Just because women have children the same age doesn't mean you will have anything else in common.

If you need/want friends take up a hobby, volunteer., get a job - you are far more likely to find new friends with common interests that way.

Yes. This . 👆

And in my experience, they'll be a lot more genuine too.

@2beautifulbabs

My idea of hell I don't want to get friendly with any of the other mums at my childrens school as pp have mentioned they all tend to be clicky Or two faced. I'm happy to say hello if someone says hello but that's about it.

I could have written this.

Let it happen naturally. If it does great but don’t try and make friends… does that make sense?
Also from experience, remember you potentially have to see these people every pick up throughout your child’s primary years, so if you make friends then find it doesn’t work out, things get difficult very quickly.
I am friendly but keep a distance. Best way.

If your child is only in Reception it's early days. I'm sure you will make a mum friend. I have only one mum friend and we go for tea at each others houses. I've held a party... and to my surprise a few parents turned up.

I've been to another child's party also.

I have children in year 6 year 5 year 3 and reception

@Mol1628

Let it happen naturally. If it does great but don’t try and make friends… does that make sense? Also from experience, remember you potentially have to see these people every pick up throughout your child’s primary years, so if you make friends then find it doesn’t work out, things get difficult very quickly. I am friendly but keep a distance. Best way.

Yeh that’s kind of how I expected it to happen, naturally, hence why I haven’t gone over board with parties/ play date invites, setting up WhatsApp groups, inviting people to the park/for coffee etc 🤦🏻

I have one in Yr3 and one in reception and no I haven't made any friends. There's a few mums that I purposefully go and chat with every day or arrange a trip to soft play with etc, always sit with at parties etc. But I wouldn't class them as my friends - they are the mum's of DC school friends and that's it.

You might just have weird classes, DS is in Yr6 and his class has always been like this, it's just a group of people who don't really gel. DD is in Yr4 and her class is absolutely lovely, some of my best friends are mums from there.

Didn't make any mum friends from DC1's primary class. They were very cliquey. However, the mum's and kids from DC2's class were lovely. Dc2 is in y13 and I'm still friend's with several of the mums and DC2 is still friends with the kids.

The school is in a middle class area with virtually no ethnic minorities or foreigners and limited horizons.

Hi, don't take it personally. I used too but realised it's better to do something like hobbies where you have something in common to be able to make friends. I made myself miserable for years thinking there was something wrong with me. But realised most people have friends already and work so just can't fit in another friend. I now do Parkrun , Tuneless Choir and have joined the National Women's Register, met lots of friendly people. Good luck!

I find it really strange that school parents are considered cliquey and two faced. They’re just parents, normal people?! I think it must be awful if that’s peoples experience and I wonder if it’s in small towns and villages where parents may have friendships/history before school.
My eldest is in reception in a large school in big city suburb. Parents are generally lovely but busy- we have a termly parents drinks night and a group WhatsApp and therefore no cliquiness although of course some parents are friendlier or have more time to socialise than others. There’s whole class parties and some smaller parties but all kids seem happy settled and included. I’ve made some nice school gate friends and chat to plenty but don’t feel I need to socialise with them loads- I find it hard enough to fit my proper friends in with 2 kids and work!

I didn't make any at my eldest's first school but when he moved to a different area, different demographic, I made quite a few and now have some genuine friends from that school.

It seems to be completely random, sometimes you click with people and sometimes you don't.

I thought it was me for years but I don't think I changed much and now I think it's just luck.