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Original poster

Parenting seems to stop for men overnight.

34 replies

Twobecomingthreeplusthedog · 01/04/2022 00:12

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable here or whether my partner is just being the biggest pee taker.

We have a 10 month old who annoyingly does still wake for a bottle at 4am sometimes. He’s teething bad, has 11 teeth already so sometimes during the day doesn’t eat enough to fill him up.

I returned to work full time at 5 months old. I work a 9-5 job, (4 days remote, 1 office) and earn more than double my partner who works shifts and often 60 hours a week.

Baby goes to nursery full time Mon - Thurs and Fridays I have him until 9am then my partner gets up with him as I start work. Often on a Friday I get ‘can you just’ for multiples of 30 mins so I barely get any work done and have to work the evenings to make up for it. 50% of Fridays he has to do a 12 hour nightshift after having the baby since 9am so I’m very lenient.

I do 99% of all nursery runs both ways due to his shift times and I do EVERY night shift with the baby, he probably does twice a month.

My issue is when he is off work on a mon-Thurs and baby is at nursery he has those days to himself. He can stay in bed, go to the gym, see friends…my days off are sat and Sun and I have the baby both of those days so any social activities I do are with a baby. As a result I’ve been going out for dinner one evening a week with friends. When he is off on those days he refuses to do any of the nightshifts or morning shifts taking baby to nursery. Claiming he only has 2 days off, he needs a lay in, he works harder than me. It’s constantly thrown at me that my job is easier. Yes, it’s not manual but it’s high pressure and exhausting! Especially on 4 hours sleep which can be numerous nights in a row. All I get is ‘you don’t understand what it’s like to do nightshifts’.

I’ve lost my shit this evening, despite him being off today, tomorrow and Sat, apparently he can’t do the nightshift tonight (he’s not getting up until 9.30am and doesn’t have a nightshift to go to) because he’s tired (he managed a 2 hour gym session perfectly fine this afternoon though).

Am I losing my mind or is he being unreasonable. I just want one solid night sleep a week!!

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DeirdreRashid · 01/04/2022 00:18

Parenting doesn’t stop for men overnight. And a good man doesn’t think it does either

zigzagzigzagz · 01/04/2022 00:22

I have a close friend pretty much exactly in your situation, down to the nursery days and night shifts and he is exactly the same and she is exhausted. He says he needs time to himself but as she points out when is her time for herself? Sorry I don’t have practical advice, I’m sure other posters will, but you have my sympathy.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 01/04/2022 00:28

So you're doing a full time job and parenting solo apart from a few hours a week? He's doing 60 hours a week and some parenting on a Friday?

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Peaplant20 · 01/04/2022 03:59

YANBU

Findingneeemo · 01/04/2022 04:28

I knew two couples, in each couple one was a full time school teacher.

First couple female teacher, male office worker. Female did more as she got time off in the holidays and finished work at 4.
Second couple male teacher, female office worker. Female did more as he was a teacher and worked such long hours in an inflexible role and needed holidays to recover!

I have met plenty of women who work nights to avoid paying childcare. If roles were reversed I’m sure because he was earning more and you were ‘used’ to being awake in the night you would have the same issue.

Bickles · 01/04/2022 04:51

It isn’t men, it’s just your DP. Don’t have any more children with this man.
Most (good) men are willing and active parents at all hours of the day and night.

Scottishskifun · 01/04/2022 04:54

No he's taking the piss!
Tell him to buck up and look after his child more!
My husband was up through the night and I breastfed he would do a nappy change and settle etc.

timeisnotaline · 01/04/2022 04:55

It’s your dp. There is no way my dp would be such a dickhead. He might not think off his own bat to step up or take the night shift but if I pointed out both of our loads and said these nights are on you he’d agree.

lovingtheheat · 01/04/2022 05:42

@DeirdreRashid

Parenting doesn’t stop for men overnight. And a good man doesn’t think it does either
This.

I have a 5 month old and I'm still on mat leave. In the beginning my husband was a bit clueless. Having had a frank chat with him he does some night feeds and has generally really stepped up. He hasn't used his full time job as an excuse. Your husband is being selfish and unreasonable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2022 05:53

60 hours of physical labour in shifts is awful. I've done it and it was dreadful, made me feel ill all the time.

However you're not much better.

Do you have any help, anyone who could give you both a rest?

Original poster
Twobecomingthreeplusthedog · 01/04/2022 07:15

@MrsTerryPratchett

60 hours of physical labour in shifts is awful. I've done it and it was dreadful, made me feel ill all the time.

However you're not much better.

Do you have any help, anyone who could give you both a rest?

Oh it’s not physical labour. It’s minimum 6 hours of 12 sat on his arse, with 2 hours in the gym and the other 4 doing some light duties. Manual labour is a different story.

Sadly we are both miles from family, my mum has been down for the week to help out which has been super helpful but it’s rare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twobecomingthreeplusthedog · 01/04/2022 07:20

Thanks for the reassurance that I’m not losing my mind. We’ve had the conversation probably on a weekly basis since baby was born and he sees my ‘remote’ job as a doddle. Apparently they pay people 150k a year to do (and I quote) ‘eff all’. He doesn’t actually understand my job or the responsibilities involved.

I’m now going to keep an excel of every day this month who does the night, morning and nursery shifts and show it to him at the end of the month.

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 01/04/2022 07:20

@MrsTerryPratchett

60 hours of physical labour in shifts is awful. I've done it and it was dreadful, made me feel ill all the time.

However you're not much better.

Do you have any help, anyone who could give you both a rest?

He’s managing to get in 2 hour gym sessions though
PermanentTemporary · 01/04/2022 07:25

He'll just say if you've got time to monitor his actions and make a spreadsheet, you're not doing anything.

It isn't unusual to loathe your partner for a bit at this stage, but by God he's making it easy.

Covetthee · 01/04/2022 07:27

If you both work, then you both need to share the responsibility of night wakings.

I don’t understand these men who do this, either I’m extremely lucky or some men take the complete piss.

My husband works very long hours most days 7-10 most days and does all the night wakings (granted there isn’t a lot but when there is) because i am exhausted from looking after them all all day while he works long hours and he knows i need the rest but he gets a lie in on his days off for as long as he wants … its about team work and respecting each others needs

I hope you manage to speak to your husband and work out a solution

wishing3 · 01/04/2022 07:27

He sounds awful.

RussianSpy101 · 01/04/2022 07:29

I’m with @DeirdreRashid and @Bickles on this.

Your DH is shit

Ragwort · 01/04/2022 07:33

It isn't all men ... I was a SAHM but my DH still did more than 50% of the care (plus housework, cooking, gardening etc) when he wasn't working and enabled me to have a complete break at weekends, evenings etc to see my friends, do my own hobbies etc. He wanted to be a fully engaged Dad to his own DC.

But sadly this sort of thread comes up time and time again on Mumsnet ...

Yaty · 01/04/2022 07:39

Yes he is BU, this doesn't sound a fair split of time/looking after baby/jobs at all. Fair enough if you were breastfeeding you might do majority of the nights but you're not. My partner and 1 split all night/morning duties with our LO since I stopped breastfeeding. We both work and both are entitled to sleep and some time to ourselves. Sorry OP he sounds lazy and entitled.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 01/04/2022 08:06

@DeirdreRashid

Parenting doesn’t stop for men overnight. And a good man doesn’t think it does either
Agree and I’m a sahm.
YRGAM · 01/04/2022 09:39

The same advice for everyone in this situation - you are both entitled to equal leisure time (when you're not working or looking after baby). Put it on a spreadsheet if you have to

ididntevennotice · 01/04/2022 09:51

@DeirdreRashid

Parenting doesn’t stop for men overnight. And a good man doesn’t think it does either

This.

It sounds like yours is a lazy sexist pig.

CupcakeNabber · 01/04/2022 10:01

I've noticed this with 99% of gfs. All of their partners don't get up to do the night feeds. The only woman I know whose male partner helps out at night is my sister in law. Not saying its acceptable - imo its not, just saying its common.

MotherOfDragon20 · 01/04/2022 14:31

So going out on a limb here but I can see both sides to this. It sounds like yous both have pretty tough demanding jobs but they are wildly different which means you just can’t see each other’s side.

The over night issue yip I’m with you he needs to step up.

but you say he has time to himself during the week when the kids at nursery but surely you get time to yourself in the evening when he’s at work and the kids in bed?

It sounds like yous are in a competition for who works the hardest and who has it most difficult and ultimately that will only lead to resentment on both sides.

My husband and I are in a similar position but reverse I’m a nurse and I’m out the house for over 14 hours 3/4 days a week he does 9-5. Kids in childcare 5 mornings a week so I end up getting a few mornings to “myself” my I usually use most of that time to prep for the days I’m working, eg batch cook, deep clear, catch up on laundry etc. husband ends up doing less house work but also ends up with less free time: ultimately we both do what’s best for our family and both work very hard. It’s not a competition.

nearlyspringyay · 01/04/2022 14:33

Parenting stops for the man you are with, not all men. If you earn double him can he be SAHD and not pay nursery fees?