Parenting seems to stop for men overnight.

[Twobecomingthreeplusthedog]

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable here or whether my partner is just being the biggest pee taker.

We have a 10 month old who annoyingly does still wake for a bottle at 4am sometimes. He’s teething bad, has 11 teeth already so sometimes during the day doesn’t eat enough to fill him up.

I returned to work full time at 5 months old. I work a 9-5 job, (4 days remote, 1 office) and earn more than double my partner who works shifts and often 60 hours a week.

Baby goes to nursery full time Mon - Thurs and Fridays I have him until 9am then my partner gets up with him as I start work. Often on a Friday I get ‘can you just’ for multiples of 30 mins so I barely get any work done and have to work the evenings to make up for it. 50% of Fridays he has to do a 12 hour nightshift after having the baby since 9am so I’m very lenient.

I do 99% of all nursery runs both ways due to his shift times and I do EVERY night shift with the baby, he probably does twice a month.

My issue is when he is off work on a mon-Thurs and baby is at nursery he has those days to himself. He can stay in bed, go to the gym, see friends…my days off are sat and Sun and I have the baby both of those days so any social activities I do are with a baby. As a result I’ve been going out for dinner one evening a week with friends. When he is off on those days he refuses to do any of the nightshifts or morning shifts taking baby to nursery. Claiming he only has 2 days off, he needs a lay in, he works harder than me. It’s constantly thrown at me that my job is easier. Yes, it’s not manual but it’s high pressure and exhausting! Especially on 4 hours sleep which can be numerous nights in a row. All I get is ‘you don’t understand what it’s like to do nightshifts’.

I’ve lost my shit this evening, despite him being off today, tomorrow and Sat, apparently he can’t do the nightshift tonight (he’s not getting up until 9.30am and doesn’t have a nightshift to go to) because he’s tired (he managed a 2 hour gym session perfectly fine this afternoon though).

Am I losing my mind or is he being unreasonable. I just want one solid night sleep a week!!

It really doesn't matter whose job is 'easier' or 'harder' than the other.

What does matter is the number of hours on duty, and the child-free hours each person gets. The child belongs to both of you, and you both deserve some free time unencumbered by dc.

I'm sorry you are going through this op.
It's not a competition if who is more tired and who works the most. You should be a team, helping eachother with raising your child and running the house.

You are both entitled to 'me time' to do what you like.

I wouldn't allow this behaviour from my husband. Your partner doesn't respect you, I would get rid.

@nearlyspringyay

Parenting stops for the man you are with, not all men. If you earn double him can he be SAHD and not pay nursery fees?

He could go part time, yes, but he doesn’t want to and I’m not going to force him to. He just about manages a Friday parenting and that’s his lot.

@MotherOfDragon20

So going out on a limb here but I can see both sides to this. It sounds like yous both have pretty tough demanding jobs but they are wildly different which means you just can’t see each other’s side.

The over night issue yip I’m with you he needs to step up.

but you say he has time to himself during the week when the kids at nursery but surely you get time to yourself in the evening when he’s at work and the kids in bed?

It sounds like yous are in a competition for who works the hardest and who has it most difficult and ultimately that will only lead to resentment on both sides.

My husband and I are in a similar position but reverse I’m a nurse and I’m out the house for over 14 hours 3/4 days a week he does 9-5. Kids in childcare 5 mornings a week so I end up getting a few mornings to “myself” my I usually use most of that time to prep for the days I’m working, eg batch cook, deep clear, catch up on laundry etc. husband ends up doing less house work but also ends up with less free time: ultimately we both do what’s best for our family and both work very hard. It’s not a competition.

Thanks for your response, you’re right in that it does become a competition.

He has at least one but usually two days a week where baby is at nursery from 7.30am -5.30pm so he gets a lay in and two full days to himself.

Baby goes to bed at 7.30pm and I go to bed at 9.30pm because I’m so exhausted from usually being up in the night and early morning.

I get 4 ‘evenings’ to myself a week, one of these I spend on a 2.5 commute from London. The other 3 I spend at least one cleaning, washing, cooking, and one of those having to get my laptop out to finish off work from the day. So if I’m lucky, I get 2-4hours a week to myself, no lays in, no solid sleeps.

That's severely unbalanced in terms of equal time 'off'.

Regardless of overnights, you need time off and he needs to step up and do some housework on his free days.

We have a 10 month old who annoyingly does still wake for a bottle at 4am sometimes.

^ my baby is a similar age and wakes up at least three times a night for milk. I'm still breastfeeding but my husband does try to give a bottle of expressed milk if I have pumped that day or at least does the winding and re-settling in between feeds etc almost every night and works full time. Your partner is lazy in that respect.

Re night feeds, going against the grain here but my DH was awful at night, not much help to the kids and often made it worse.

So I did all the nights, and he did everything from 6am.

The kids are now teenagers and I am still getting lay ins and tea brought to me in bed. He does all the breakfasts. Long term it was a good bet. Also meant that there was no ambiguity about whose ‘turn’ it was.

If you are at the stage where you are making Excel spreadsheets something has gone badly wrong. DH outearns me by a lot even though I earn well (six figures). But never has he imagined himself to be a lesser contributor to our domestic life before or after kids.

(He’s also made career decisions to benefit my career over his which makes him a MN rarity).
DH does what he does because he is a dad and a husband and he takes those roles seriously (sometimes too seriously- I have to force him to take some time off and go for a bike ride).

It sounds like he’s jealous of what you earn and is punishing you by not helping out more. Let him know that if you were to split he’d have DC 50% of the time. Agree with what PP has said, I wouldn’t have another DC with this one.