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Original poster

please will you honestly answer this question?

34 replies

clumsymum · 07/01/2008 14:11

I am disabled (walk funny), and an older mum, I was 39 when ds was born.

DS is now 8, in year 3 at school. There are still a few mums who don't talk to me in the school playground, even just replying to a "hello" and a smile, and a couple who will talk to me if I'm on foot (drive to school and walk in) but ignore me if I'm on my mobility scooter (which I sometimes use so that ds can walk to or from school).

Why are people still afraid of disability?

And why would anyone tell their child not to play with my son? (yes honestly, it has happened).

I'm not being self pitying, I'm kind of used to it, having been disabled all my life, but I am still mystified by it.

OP posts:
karen999 · 07/01/2008 14:17

Ignore these people - it is them who have the problem!! God I don't understand these people. I have to say that there is a mum at dds school who uses a stick and sometimes a scooter but I am not aware that she has to deal with this kind of thing - I certainly hope not anyway.

makingnosense · 07/01/2008 14:17

I have a foster child who is disabled and people shrink away from him. All I can assume is that people are afraid of it, and don't know whether to talk about it with you, so do the opposite and feel its best to ignore you. It's not right at all, but from our experience that's what a lot of people do.

I'm sorry you have to deal with negativity like this on top of coping with your disability.

VictorianSqualor · 07/01/2008 14:34

Firstly, can I just say it might not be about your disability, some people are just rude and won't talk at school anyway.

As for someone telling their child not to play with your son, I think it's disgraceful, but again I don't know why, do you know that the parent definitely said it and the kid wasn't just a little shit?

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Original poster
clumsymum · 07/01/2008 14:44

VS, thanks yes, I'm sure sometimes I think it's because I'm different, but it is just in fact that the other person is rude/stupid or whatever, and maybe doesn't talk to anyone. There are a couple of little groups tho' who go quiet if I stand too near them (awfully tempting to do it, very naughty of me).

The child who was told not to play with ds was back in Y1. It may have been him being a L.S. as you say.

I do know one child has teased ds directly about me. Fortunately ds is pretty thick skinned, and he and I discussed it. I said that he could choose to ignore her, or he can tell me, or his teacher about it, as he chooses, but he really doesn't ever need to get upset about it. The bit that really ed me is that child is the daughter of ds's former CM, so knew me better than most of the kids. I haven't told her mother, but promised myself I will if it continues.

As I say, I'm not here to complain, but would like to understand. I won't mind if someone comes on here and says "Well, I'd steer clear of you because ...."

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 07/01/2008 14:57

I think it's maybe a useful self-weeding out mechanism...the people who avoid talking to you or even tell their kids to avoid your ds, are very conveniently 'outing' themselves to you as complete wastes of space who you would no doubt have difficulty getting along with anyway

I have to say I have found that lots of people at the school gates are very cliquey and don't easily talk to others, unless they are part of 'the group' so some of this may have nothing to do with your disability, though I know it's hard to kind of judge that one.

I'd advise taking your mobility scooter in as often as possible and just running 'em over

VictorianSqualor · 07/01/2008 14:59

I doubt they would come and say that though, because anyone who does steer clear of someone because of a disability knows there is no logic in it and cannot explain themselves.

Wisteria · 07/01/2008 15:00

Agree with honoria - run the bigoted bastards over

I used a stick for a long time and a wheelchair on very bad days and noticed a distinct change in peoples' attitudes when I was 'showing' my disability- I think they're scared that they might catch the dreaded disability disease - you have to lagh really (although I know it can be upsetting)

Original poster
clumsymum · 07/01/2008 15:05

You are right Wisteria, I have to laugh about it sometimes. But sometimes I would just like to understand it, partly so I can help to stop it happening for other people.

Is that it VS, people know themselves there is no reason to avoid us, but do it anyway?

OP posts:
Wisteria · 07/01/2008 15:13

I find them just socially inept personally and I think there is a slight bit of this as well:

oh if I smile she might think I pity her

I'm not sure what to say so I'll just pretend I've not noticed she's smiling at me

I also think people are so scared of doing or saying the wrong/ un-pc thing that they just think it's safer to say nowt - when in a wheelchair should they bend down or stay at full height etc.

Original poster
clumsymum · 07/01/2008 16:01

Wisteria, Interesting about the wheelchair bit, never considered that, partly cos I'm only 4'10" standing I suspect.

I spent a year in a wheelchair a while ago, and that was more of a problem.

Would also explain why people who will exchange pleasantries when I'm standing are more reticent if I'm sitting on the scooter.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 07/01/2008 16:14

What makes me laugh is that everyone is so scared of doing the wrong thing that they never stop to consider that once you are in a wheelchair nobody gives you a list of things that are PC/ nonPC so we are none the wiser anyway!!

VictorianSqualor · 07/01/2008 16:19

I can totally understand the reason of not wanting to offend, one of the parents of one of DD's friends is deaf and although I've msiled at her I've never spoken to her, because I don't know how to, and wouldn't want to offend, I assume she can lipread but I would feel terrible if I couldn't understand her reply.

Wisteria · 07/01/2008 16:24

do try Victorian - the worse thing is when people say nothing for fear of getting it wrong. She can probably speak and if in doubt just say things that are easy to reply in sign - small talk, then you can work out how easy it is to communicate.

We had a deaf lady in our college group and I was amazed over her power of speech, incredible.

VictorianSqualor · 07/01/2008 16:26

Oh, I know she can speak, I've heard her talk to the teachers, I just can't understand what she says so would feel awful if it was the same when I spoke to her.

Doodletoyou · 07/01/2008 16:29

Message withdrawn

LoveAngel · 07/01/2008 16:29

I cannot answer your question because I honestly do not know why. Ignorance? Fear? Downright bloody rudeness? I can't imagine not speaking to another parent at the school gates in a normal friendly way just because they were disabled in some way. What kind of bullshit is that?

Original poster
clumsymum · 07/01/2008 19:57

Oh Doodle, that seems a bit lame (no pun intended). I have a tiny folding up to-put-in-car-boot-one, not one of those stonking great things. And anyway, I'm talking about when we are all standing stationary, waiting for the hordes to be released from school occasions.

Surely people aren't frightened of a mobility scooter?

OP posts:
Original poster
clumsymum · 07/01/2008 20:07

Sorry, didn't mean to offend, and said wanted honest responses. I have no idea that folk can be scared by me on a mobility scooter. I know I said I'm an older mum, but I am only 47, you know.

OP posts:
hotbot · 07/01/2008 20:27

clumsymum, i think the playground mentality never really leaves some people....
what a boring world if we were all the same...
i would make them talk to me,,but them i am a bit devilish!

SueBaroo · 08/01/2008 09:00

clumsymum, huge sympathy. I was once rendered completely invisible by my crutches at a mums and tots Christmas party. They even gave me a three foot forcefield around my chair so that no-one over 4 could actually get close enough to speak. It was a joy

Original poster
clumsymum · 08/01/2008 13:21

Ah yes Sue, that happened to me too. I persevered with toddler groups for ds's sake, but hated every minute. The only time anyone spoke to me was if a grandmother took her grandchild. Then they would make a bee-line for me, assuming I too was a granny !! Once they discovered I was a mum, who had done a career and stuff in the past, then conversation would dry-up.

In the defence of mums at M & T (and to a certain extent even now) they all seemed to know each other from antenatal classes (I hadn't attended the local ones), whereas I was a stranger.
I have always tried to be friendly tho'.

OP posts:
Libra · 08/01/2008 13:27

It could be the age difference more than anything else?
I'm 42 and work full time so am rarely in the playground. When I am, very few mums talk to me. Even the ones who spoke to me when I was on maternity leave and therefore around every day, don't speak now. To be frank, I've given up and don't really try now. They talk to my au pair quite happily and that's more important to me.

Grouchyoscar · 08/01/2008 13:50

Clumsymum. I have experience of this. I have MS that relapses and remits. When DS started school nursery some mums would just look right through you and a couple of others have admitted to thinking I was an alcoholic (WTF DS went to morning nursery!)

May as well have a T-Shirt with I HAVE MS OK? YOU CAN'T CATCH IT FROM ME

I found the best thing was to tell people and be open about why I sometimes walk funny. It's really nice to get the apologies when people have prejudged you

Doodletoyou · 10/01/2008 00:03

Message withdrawn

Phatmouse · 10/01/2008 00:14

Thats awful, your poor kid as well.

Sod them, I would run over their toes next time.