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Original poster

DH, work trip & new baby?

37 replies

AwkwardPaws27 · 27/03/2022 00:01

I'm currently pregnant with our first baby, due in the summer.
I had three first trimester miscarriages so may well be overthinking as this pregnancy has been a bit of an anxious ride so far.

DH has been advised that he may be invited on two work trips to conferences, within a few weeks of each other. Baby will be around 8-12 weeks old.

I'm not so concerned about the UK conference (I think he'll be away for 4 days, but could come home in an emergency) but the other one is the USA & he'll probably be gone for a week.

I'm feeling a bit apprehensive about managing alone. Obviously baby isn't here yet, and I have no idea what I'm doing or what life with a 2 month old will actually be like.

I don't want to be ruled by anxiety and ask him to decline unnecessarily, as its a great opportunity. I'm hoping to breastfeed so imagine I'll mostly be stuck on the sofa half-watching boxsets while baby clusterfeeds, but I guess I'm a bit nervous about not having another person around to help out.

Am I being a bit silly to worry, or should I say something?

OP posts:

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Chely · 27/03/2022 03:59

You'll be fine.

My dh is military and has always gone back working away from home for days to months at a time when we had newborns. Our youngest I had c-section with scar rupture so was a bit worse for wear but I was fine looking after all 6 of ours alone when he went back to work at 8wk pp.

alexdgr8 · 27/03/2022 04:02

do you have a female relative or close friend who could be on stand-by as back up if needed ?
that might make you feel a bit more relaxed.

MGee123 · 27/03/2022 06:01

It's not ideal but you'll manage. As others have said, enlist the help of friends/family for while he's away and you'll get through it. Prepare in advance by having a good food shop in, meals in the freezer you can just stick in the oven, perhaps a cleaner to come before he goes (or he can do it), make sure you're on top of laundry etc.

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Turningpurple · 27/03/2022 06:26

As others say, it's not ideal. But you and your dh have plenty of time to prepare. Freezer meals etc.

NameChangeNameShange · 27/03/2022 06:33

I have to be honest, I sometimes preferred it when my DH was away on business. The baby and I could set our own routine, no alarm going off when he went to work, I didn't really cook meals as just me so snacked or takeaways. However, I do appreciate that's the benefit of hindsight and I'm sure it was daunting the first time. Do you have friends or family members nearby as 'backup'?

ralanne · 27/03/2022 06:39

Is the conference really necessary for his job, or is it a bit of a jolly? If he absolutely has to go then you will manage, as do all women whose DHs work away. However, I'd be pissed off if my DH was proposing to go off on any trip that wasn't absolutely necessary with a baby that young.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/03/2022 06:46

My first baby is now 4 weeks old.
I actually think I would manage fine/okay but would want a break /him to step in when he came back. Ours sleeps pretty well.

For me I have yet to attend a truly imperative conference... its really on him but certainly in my industry you can decline to attend with no adverse effects.
In my current job onboarding involves a trip to the HQ which is a 10 hour flight - several new starters decline it due to family commitments.

Really your DH needs to make the call

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 27/03/2022 06:59

Fathers going away for a few days is perfectly normal for many families. Even mothers going away for a few days.

Its scary now, especially for a first baby when you don't know what to expect. But honestly, most of us can cope. Unfortunately you can't predict things like illness or PND, so you may need to be flexible nearer the time if something does occur.

DH has been away a lot over our childrens lives (Army) and there has only been one occasion I've had to call him when he's been away to say I need him home.

starrynight21 · 27/03/2022 07:04

Another vote from someone with a military husband. Mine was away for both of ours, and I also had no family backup because of living far away from them. Life went on as usual , I didn't want or need him home and he was away for months.

FairWindClearSailing · 27/03/2022 07:18

I couldn't have done it. My son had colic / cmpa and screamed for at least 5-6 hours a day until 14 weeks. It was hell on earth and my DH was needed in those evenings to give me a break

My point is you don't know how it'll be when your baby is here. They are all very different so I understand your apprehension. Do you have family close by to come help? Then it'll be fine. Without any extra help, I'd be asking my DH not to go to the USA

twoandcooplease · 27/03/2022 07:20

I'm hoping to breastfeed so imagine I'll mostly be stuck on the sofa half-watching boxsets while baby clusterfeeds

That's exactly what I was doing 8-12 weeks
Plus, if baby has colic they'll likely only want mum. Especially if bf. By this point ds was out of the lying on daddy's chest phase and only wanted to be held by me so he could rapidly latch whenever he woke it was a hard time actually as I couldn't put him down but as long as you have a sling your arms are free

You'll be okay

MartinMartinMarti · 27/03/2022 07:23

My DH went away when DD was a few weeks, abs it was fine.

He was supposed to go to the US when she was about 12 weeks. It was cancelled due to COVID and I was actually a bit annoyed as I was looking forward to a bit of me time!

diamondsareforever1 · 27/03/2022 07:24

You'll be fine.

My DH is a pilot and didn't get any leave after our child's birth. 3 days later he was back to flying and being away for 3-5 days a week.

We survived 😃

custardbear · 27/03/2022 07:31

You'll be fine e, do you have friends and family to call upon if needs be? You can't give an excuse at work that you can't do your job because your wife can't stay home alone with a 2-3 month old baby

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/03/2022 07:38

You will be absolutely fine.

JustWonderingIfYou · 27/03/2022 07:50

You'll be fine. At 8 weeks you'll be recovered from the birth, have a general sort of routine, be going to groups etc.

Get lots of your favourite crap freezer food in and invite some friends round to break the week up it'll go in no time.

ChillysWaterBottle · 27/03/2022 07:52

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I would expect my partner to decline to go abroad and instead prioritize family that early on. Caring for a baby is a partnership and both parents should expect their careers to take a bit of a hit in the early years, not just mother on maternity leave. You'll probably cope, especially if baby turns out to be a good sleeper, but it's about more than just coping, it's about enjoying it and not getting into that stressed, exhausted, zombie state. It's about setting precedence and bonding as a family unit and allowing baby and dad to bond too. But it's really for you and your partner to decide together x

Original poster

AwkwardPaws27 · 27/03/2022 10:27

Thank you, I feel much more reassured!

I think we'll be OK as long as we get a food shop before he goes, & maybe organise a dog walker for that week.

It's all a bit unknown as I'm not really sure what to expect & our trust aren't running antenatal classes due to covid so I feel even less prepared.

Answering a few questions:

do you have a female relative or close friend who could be on stand-by as back up if needed?
Both our mums work full-time - they are under an hours drive so could possibly pop round for an hour or two in the evening once or twice. I'm not sure how much help they'll actually be though but at least I might get a shower / nap!
Most of my friends aren't keen on children. My best mate is brilliant for emotional support but she's juggling work & single parenthood so wouldn't want to add to her plate, although I could try and set up a couple of coffee dates to break up the week.

Is the conference really necessary for his job, or is it a bit of a jolly?
It's not essential and it's in Vegas so there is certainly an element of being a bit of a jolly. But his team all WFH so I think there's also an element of team building.

You can't give an excuse at work that you can't do your job because your wife can't stay home alone with a 2-3 month old baby
In this case there's a difference between doing his job and attending two conferences in one month, involving 4-7 days away. He's not presenting at the conferences & you can view the talks remotely, although you wouldn't get the full benefit of workshops etc.

@FairWindClearSailing that sounds really hard.

I've said that I'm happy for him to go if everything is going ok, but we may need to reassess if baby is having bad feeding issues etc and he said that's absolutely fine. Thanks everyone, I feel a lot happier with it now.

OP posts:

shivawn · 27/03/2022 10:29

I would have found it difficult because my baby was a bad sleeper so I needed my husband to take him for a couple hours in the evening while I napped. If your baby is a half way decent sleeper then you should be okay

Ihaveoflate · 27/03/2022 10:35

My husband went to Vegas on an unavoidable work trip when our baby was 13 weeks. It was also my first week back at work (2 days a week) so not ideal. She was also not an easy baby: colic, reflux, had to be held constantly.

My mother stayed a couple of days and I was on my own the rest of the time. We survived. I had a good sling, which was vital.

You don't know what kind of baby you'll or how you'll feel, but whichever way you'll survive.

AnotherNC22 · 27/03/2022 10:37

We had a friends wedding overseas when DD was 12weeks old. My parents are a couple of hundred miles away but I went to stay with them for the 4 days of the wedding so that DH could go. They work full time, but mum could help in the evenings and was just there for moral support. We had a horrible feeding journey (breastfeeding, pumping and formula top ups) and i would have really struggled to do it on my own, but my DD was a relatively good sleeper, so i could manage the nights on my own. Could that be an option?

Original poster

AwkwardPaws27 · 27/03/2022 10:45

@AnotherNC22

No, we have a dog and other pets so can't just stay elsewhere really. Plus my relationship with my mum is a bit difficult (I left home/was kicked out at 16 as we clashed so badly); fine to visit for a few hours, but I'd be more stressed there, I think!

OP posts:

bluejelly · 27/03/2022 10:47

You'll be fine, try not to worry!

Papayamya · 27/03/2022 10:49

I'm sure you'll be fine OP, DH worked away a lot when DS was small, I was fortunate to have a good support network around though, which is possibly more common in military communities. I enjoyed the time to get into our own groove, I found some series' I wanted to watch, got some nice and easy meals in an online shop delivered the day before he went and just relaxed really.

PiratePetespajamas · 27/03/2022 10:56

Mine went away several times (4-5 days at a time) from when my second was 6 weeks. I had a 4 year old and a newborn to deal with. Luckily the 4 year old was a pretty good sleeper, and at school; the newborn didn’t sleep but was generally an easy baby otherwise. And it was my second, so I was a lot more relaxed and knew what to expect. I wasn’t thrilled, and dreaded it, but it was basically fine.

My issue is, though, that you don’t know what your own situation is going to be until the baby is born - or even until a few weeks after. You may settle quite quickly into a good routine and find it all quite straightforward. Or you might have difficulties with birth or feeding or whatever that make it much more challenging and a situation you wouldn’t want to be left alone in - I would NOT have coped well, alone, at 6-8 weeks with my firstborn. Is this the sort of thing you can both reassess once the baby is born or is he going to be fully committed once he says yes now? That would be my main concern.

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