DH, work trip & new baby?

[AwkwardPaws27]

I'm currently pregnant with our first baby, due in the summer.
I had three first trimester miscarriages so may well be overthinking as this pregnancy has been a bit of an anxious ride so far.

DH has been advised that he may be invited on two work trips to conferences, within a few weeks of each other. Baby will be around 8-12 weeks old.

I'm not so concerned about the UK conference (I think he'll be away for 4 days, but could come home in an emergency) but the other one is the USA & he'll probably be gone for a week.

I'm feeling a bit apprehensive about managing alone. Obviously baby isn't here yet, and I have no idea what I'm doing or what life with a 2 month old will actually be like.

I don't want to be ruled by anxiety and ask him to decline unnecessarily, as its a great opportunity. I'm hoping to breastfeed so imagine I'll mostly be stuck on the sofa half-watching boxsets while baby clusterfeeds, but I guess I'm a bit nervous about not having another person around to help out.

Am I being a bit silly to worry, or should I say something?

My issue is, though, that you don’t know what your own situation is going to be until the baby is born - or even until a few weeks after. You may settle quite quickly into a good routine and find it all quite straightforward. Or you might have difficulties with birth or feeding or whatever that make it much more challenging and a situation you wouldn’t want to be left alone in - I would NOT have coped well, alone, at 6-8 weeks with my firstborn. Is this the sort of thing you can both reassess once the baby is born or is he going to be fully committed once he says yes now? That would be my main concern.

Second all of this. If it’s a completely unavoidable trip then of course you would survive. But survival would have been the absolute upper limit of what I could have achieved at 6-12 weeks PP with DS. For me, they were probably the hardest 6 weeks of the whole of parenthood to be honest.

Is this the sort of thing you can both reassess once the baby is born or is he going to be fully committed once he says yes now?

Really good point - I just asked & he said that if he couldn't go, they'd offer the space to someone else (he actually got his spot this way a few years ago, which I'd completely forgotten about!). He also said that we are his priority & he'll decline the place if it looks like it isn't going to work, so I feel much better about it now.

My ex left me when the baby was two weeks old OP

Not saying it wasn’t hard but it wasn’t the baby care part that was hard, it was the relationship breakup part, the fact that I missed him even tho he was a dick, the anger, and watching him go out fancy free when I couldn’t, and hating how much he was missing with the baby that I wanted to share with him, but didn’t want to share, because again he was a dick. I didn’t have any family or any friends with babies, but the baby care part was the least challenging because well it was just up to me so we found our own ways and our own rhythm and didn’t have any expectations or explanations needed to any other party.

Good luck with your pregnancy

I had newborn twins and a 2 year old - I was happy to send DH back to work after a weeks paternity leave!

You’ll be fine. No pressure to cook or clean if you don’t want too!

It feels scary now because of the fear of the unknown but honestly you will be great!

My DH is military so we get a lot of going away. He deployed when DS was 6 weeks old.

I would consider a sling will really help if baby doesn't want to put down but you need to eat!

Stock up on pre made meals batch cook. I used to make everything for slow cooker stew type things put in freezer back the. Just dump that in slow cooker in morning and presto meals for two days.

Stock up on one handed snacks.

Plan to meet up with people. Maybe not every day but at least twice a week. Give you something to look forward to.

Try and get out for a walk every day if you can.

Good luck.

You've got this

@AwkwardPaws27

Is this the sort of thing you can both reassess once the baby is born or is he going to be fully committed once he says yes now?

Really good point - I just asked & he said that if he couldn't go, they'd offer the space to someone else (he actually got his spot this way a few years ago, which I'd completely forgotten about!). He also said that we are his priority & he'll decline the place if it looks like it isn't going to work, so I feel much better about it now.

That’s great - if he/they can be flexible closer to the time I think that’s key. You can just see where you are then. Best of luck - both with the pregnancy and the trip!

Everyone is different and only you’ll know how you’ll feel and cope at the time!

My DH is army. He was away for a few days the week before I popped and then again when baby was 2 weeks and then we moved across the country with dog cat and horse when baby was 4 weeks. I’ve been left on my own with them all a few times for a few days and it’s been fine because it’s had to be fine.

Personally I actually quite like it 😂 he’s not under my feet and I can eat what I want and watch what I want on tv! Make sure you’ve done a big food shop, stocked up on nappies, milk etc. and just lower your expectations. So you don’t Hoover whilst he’s away, who cares! The first night on your own is the hardest (and baby chose that night to teethe terribly!) but after that you’re a pro.

@ChillysWaterBottle

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I would expect my partner to decline to go abroad and instead prioritize family that early on. Caring for a baby is a partnership and both parents should expect their careers to take a bit of a hit in the early years, not just mother on maternity leave. You'll probably cope, especially if baby turns out to be a good sleeper, but it's about more than just coping, it's about enjoying it and not getting into that stressed, exhausted, zombie state. It's about setting precedence and bonding as a family unit and allowing baby and dad to bond too. But it's really for you and your partner to decide together x

Sorry OP but I agree with this. Vital work trip = yes, non-essential conference in Vegas: no. I’m sure you would manage, but it wouldn’t be pleasant, and I think skipping this conference is a sacrifice he can be reasonably expected to make. Women should not be the only ones making sacrifices when it comes to parenthood.

@AwkwardPaws27 it all feels very daunting OP, doesn’t it?! 😅😬 I remember feeling the same!! A bit different for me as my DH actually works away from home rather than opting in to going on conference. My DH went back to work when baby was 7 weeks old. He works on a 4 week rotation so 4 weeks away then 4 weeks home with us. Baby is now 1.5years and we’re still on that rotation.
I had my first baby during the lockdowns etc and have no family etc nearby so couldn’t form a “bubble” etc 🙈 when DH was away my only adult contact was people I passed in the street or my Tesco delivery driver once a week 🙈🤣

Honestly, you’ll manage fine ❤️ It’s amazing how quickly you will settle into having your new baby. Obviously, any issues aside. Our baby had bad reflux and bad feeding issues so that was definitely a lot more stressful on my own but we survived 😊 Definitely the right thing to keep in mind that you don’t know how things will be though. If the time comes and it’s not right for him to leave then he doesn’t leave 😊

Top tips -

• food shop before he goes
• batch cook some meals for yourself that you can just defrost/heat up to make your life a little easier
• absolutely hire a dog walker for the week if it would take a bit of stress off of you 😊
• don’t worry about chores - the house will survive a few days without major cleaning etc!
• save some good box sets for when he’s gone
• try to enjoy getting all the baby cuddles to yourself for a few days ❤️

You'll cope. If you have a baby that sleeps well and can be put down without crying while you shower it'll be easy (my second child was an easy going baby). Just make sure you have baby groups or coffees with friends booked in the daytime to get adult conversation. Have a good box set too. If you have a baby that likes to be constantly held, doesn't sleep and has the world's loudest cry (my firstborn!) then you'll figure it out alone but if your mum or sister could stay it would much better.

I feel like 3 months is actually kind of a sweet spot with a first child. In the event of problems, he'll have to cancel but that's the same with or without a baby. Get food in first. Make dinner prep easy. Get him to do all the washing before he leaves etc.....

I would have managed fine at that age with both of mine (DS2 - c section) but the evenings would have been tough with colic, especially DS1.
I’d have made sure he’d cleaned well before he left and stocked up the fridge and freezer - and given you plenty of help when he got back.