How do I bond with my toddler?

[fluffyslippersandcoffee]

Feel like a horrible mum. Name change for this - feeling woeful.

DS1 (2.5) was a horrendous birth. Super traumatic. He was a VERY high needs baby. We got various testing done to get to the bottom of his constant unhappiness. I fell into a horrendous depression and never returned to work. He would only ever settle with me.. I’d spend hours bouncing/rocking him whilst crying myself. Then lockdown hit and I couldn’t see the outside world. I thought that I had lost my mind.

I fell pregnant with DS2 accidentally when DS1 was 16 months. Full of dread my whole pregnancy. Cried for a week before my elective section. He arrived and I fell in love. I love spending time with him and snuggling with him. I just utterly adore him beyond words.

DS2 isn’t a typical toddler. I have never seen him genuinely happy, his temper tantrums are next level. He wants what he wants and won’t stop until he gets it. He won’t even visit my parents house without screaming to get home. I can’t have visitors over because he screams and cries until they leave. I can’t make plans to meet people and have lost many friends due to this. Despite all of this, he never misses out, he’s shown nothing but affection from myself and DH, he’s been on 11 holidays abroad in his short life, he goes to soft play almost daily, he gets undivided attention. He doesn’t like leaving the house unless it’s for soft play. Refuses to sit in a pram/car seat. Truly, he makes me miserable and has done since he’s been born. He’s not at nursery yet because he utterly refuses to go anywhere/leave my side so I don’t think he’s anywhere near ready. I love him but I find him a total chore and don’t enjoy spending time with him.

I don’t know how to fix this - I assume that there has been a rupture in the bonding process. Do I need counselling? HV says he has no autistic traits, his tests came back fine from hospital, no allergies. Just constantly miserable.

I'm confused how old is DS2? And how old is DS1?

Congrats🥳 I have two boys too.

You said he like to be with you all the time, can DH or other family members take him out?

Was he like this before 2?

Do you get any rest bite at all?

I posted a thread the other day about having a really stressful 21m old and I thought I was hiding my frustrations well and it turns out I wasn’t 🥴 someone said be overly cheery, like comically over the top happy and see what happens and he was like a different kid. I was so embarrassed I wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought 😂🥲.

Ds2 was born during lockdown but has been abroad 11 times?

@RedWingBoots sounds like DS1 is 30 months and DS2 is 5 months?

Sounds really hard OP. I have heard of some nightmare babies/toddlers that have turned into perfectly delightful children so there is hope. I know you say you don't think he is ready for nursery, but the right place could actually be really good for you both, so maybe give that another thought.

My son is a little bit older but I was beginning to find him very difficult and manage a lot better now he goes to preschool 3 hours a day. It's like a break to recharge and give my best. And he has become so much better too since going. (and the same he never left me before and only wanted me)

Did you mean to say DS1 isn’t typical toddler in your 3rd paragraph as I’m a bit confused too…

Honestly I would look at nursery for your older one. Not full time but 2-3 mornings. Will be hard at the beginning but maybe good for him?

I say this in a kind way but it's not always possible to mask irritation and frustration - which is understandable but maybe he is picking up on that?

What activities does he love doing?

11 times? That's be stressful for you all. I'd strip things right back.

I have a child a similar age to your first and it sounds like the poor thing doesn't know whether he is coming or going. 11 times going abroad is excessive in 2.5 years let alone when you take into account for a lot of his life he was in lockdown.

He sounds like he needs a firm routine and he would probably benefit greatly from going to nursery.

I would also suggest doing less, but more quality time rather than rushing from one softplay to another holiday then back. I would also push through and send him to nursery 3 mornings a week, to give you both a break from each other. It sounds suffocating.

Rest bite

It sounds like you do a lot with him, I wonder if it's too much. I would stop going to soft play so much and spend more time one on one at home. I also think pre school could be beneficial for both of you.

Sorry all. Meant to say DS1 isn't a typical toddler!

We have a home in Spain. He's very settled there and is a great traveller. Holidays are by no means a negative - he plays on the beach, at parks and it means we don't spend lots of time being stuck inside during winter months.

I would suggest trying nursery / pre school to give you some respite. Start with a small amount of time and build up. It sounds very difficult for you. Sounds like he wants your undivided attention and unfortunately that isn’t possible without breaking you.

So he is fine on holiday but not at home?

More time at the park or in the garden and less on organised activities/soft play plus fewer weekends away made a big difference with my DD2 who was quite similar. Even trips to family broke the routine and were exhausting. All little ones thrive on a routine, but some more than others. Nursery was amazing for helping with this too. My DD is 9 now, she settled down as she got older and is a happy child.

Have you had him checked for:

Glue ear
Ear/adenoid/tonsil infection
Sleep apnea

Have you tried a play therapist?

@AuntieJoycesPurpleSlacks

Rest bite

I know that was brilliant!

Some 2 year olds are more testing than others but it sounds like you may have got into the habit of giving in

I would try nursery for a couple of days and then focus on spending enough 1-1 time with him when he is at home. The settling in might be horrible but you only have so much to give and you can't give from an empty cup.

One thing I used to do with my DC when they were younger was have a nice warm bath with them, which I found really relaxing. I'd read my book, DC would play with some bath crayons or toys and it was quite a peaceful, easy way to bond. We still frequently have bathtime as an activity for an hour or two as DC finds playing in the warm water soothing.

You’ve had a really tough time. I wish I could reach out through the screen and give you a hug.

I would guess it’s a ‘perfect storm’ combination of disrupted bonding, the pandemic affecting his early social experiences and his personality.

I think counselling could help if you can access it.

What is your DS interested in? I wonder if you could find a way to join him in his world, so to speak. I know it’s hard when they’re so young. My DS never really played with toys in the ‘normal’ way and it took me a while to learn to just play alongside him and let him interact on his terms. I used to struggle to get DS to engage in anything outside his interests, but once I learned to just go with it everything was much easier. For example, he went through a stage where he was obsessed with windmills, so we filled the flower beds with little rainbow coloured plastic ones and I’d take him on picnics to the local wind turbine. (Don’t worry, he’s a perfectly normal teenager now!) Your DS sounds really active. I know it’s probably the very last thing you feel like, but could you join him on some ball park type adventures? Let him see you pretending to enjoy the things he enjoys, ask him for his help negotiating your way around. Let him see you being silly and laughing and having fun.

@AuntieJoycesPurpleSlacks

Rest bite

😂🥲🤭 My apologies

@PineForestsAndSunshine

You’ve had a really tough time. I wish I could reach out through the screen and give you a hug.

I would guess it’s a ‘perfect storm’ combination of disrupted bonding, the pandemic affecting his early social experiences and his personality.

I think counselling could help if you can access it.

What is your DS interested in? I wonder if you could find a way to join him in his world, so to speak. I know it’s hard when they’re so young. My DS never really played with toys in the ‘normal’ way and it took me a while to learn to just play alongside him and let him interact on his terms. I used to struggle to get DS to engage in anything outside his interests, but once I learned to just go with it everything was much easier. For example, he went through a stage where he was obsessed with windmills, so we filled the flower beds with little rainbow coloured plastic ones and I’d take him on picnics to the local wind turbine. (Don’t worry, he’s a perfectly normal teenager now!) Your DS sounds really active. I know it’s probably the very last thing you feel like, but could you join him on some ball park type adventures? Let him see you pretending to enjoy the things he enjoys, ask him for his help negotiating your way around. Let him see you being silly and laughing and having fun.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this reply. Thank you so much. X