How do I bond with my toddler?

[fluffyslippersandcoffee]

Feel like a horrible mum. Name change for this - feeling woeful.

DS1 (2.5) was a horrendous birth. Super traumatic. He was a VERY high needs baby. We got various testing done to get to the bottom of his constant unhappiness. I fell into a horrendous depression and never returned to work. He would only ever settle with me.. I’d spend hours bouncing/rocking him whilst crying myself. Then lockdown hit and I couldn’t see the outside world. I thought that I had lost my mind.

I fell pregnant with DS2 accidentally when DS1 was 16 months. Full of dread my whole pregnancy. Cried for a week before my elective section. He arrived and I fell in love. I love spending time with him and snuggling with him. I just utterly adore him beyond words.

DS2 isn’t a typical toddler. I have never seen him genuinely happy, his temper tantrums are next level. He wants what he wants and won’t stop until he gets it. He won’t even visit my parents house without screaming to get home. I can’t have visitors over because he screams and cries until they leave. I can’t make plans to meet people and have lost many friends due to this. Despite all of this, he never misses out, he’s shown nothing but affection from myself and DH, he’s been on 11 holidays abroad in his short life, he goes to soft play almost daily, he gets undivided attention. He doesn’t like leaving the house unless it’s for soft play. Refuses to sit in a pram/car seat. Truly, he makes me miserable and has done since he’s been born. He’s not at nursery yet because he utterly refuses to go anywhere/leave my side so I don’t think he’s anywhere near ready. I love him but I find him a total chore and don’t enjoy spending time with him.

I don’t know how to fix this - I assume that there has been a rupture in the bonding process. Do I need counselling? HV says he has no autistic traits, his tests came back fine from hospital, no allergies. Just constantly miserable.

I’m sorry OP. It makes me feel a bit sad that you’re so bonded with DS2 and not DS1 but you can’t help how you feel and it’s great you’ve identified it. I have similar- DC2 is so cuddly and snuggly compared to DC1 who tolerates the odd quick cuddle but otherwise wants maximum independence. Something I always think of is that old ‘parent the child you have not the child you want’. Ok DC1 sounds tricky and a bit grumpy but he will have lovely points too. Daily soft play is too much. Why don’t you work out a few different things to do (maybe a toddler group, soft play one day, woodland walk, new park etc) and have a week of doing different things. What does he like playing? Set up a little play area after lunch with Lego/play dough etc or whatever you have in. I also encourage ‘down time’ after lunch for all children- either a nap if young or quiet play/ a short film. A full day entertaining children day in day out is an absolute killer- don’t worry about a bit of tv if it helps.

He still has the same behaviours abroad but his routine isn't disrupted as we don't go out for late dinners and the 'usual' routines on holiday. Nap times, bed time and meal times are all the same. All that changes is that he is outside more and he's in a different home. But he is happy in the home.

We have had a sleep study done which showed mild sleep apnea. He was a horrific sleeper for 18 months but only wakens around 2-3 times now.

Sounds like nursery may in fact be beneficial to him. I know that it'll initially be horrible but I can appreciate that there will be benefits of this.

11 holidays abroad in 2.5 years sounds disruptive to a child that young not a good thing.
And if he’s come to expect soft play daily I’m not surprised he kicks off about going anywhere else.
I’d dial things right back. Simple is often better for little ones

Awww I’m glad it helped. You sound like a fantastic mother and you have so many years ahead of you to bond with your eldest DS. Let the guilt go.

Besides, if memory serves, 2-year olds are actually quite horrible for quite a lot of the time. 3 is much better! Being able to take your eyes off them for more than a few moments, the ability to entertain themselves, being able to explain their frustrations with their words... Good stuff ahead!

If you can afford it I would invest in seeing a parent infant psychotherapist. You can find your local parent infant team here parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/
It sounds like he can sense that you don’t enjoy him and is reacting to that. You both sound stuck in a viscous circle. I would try lots of really calm focused activities when you can learn to enjoy each other. Dimming the lights, soft music and snuggling up with stories, Gentle walks in the woods, Bubble baths. Try to comment on what he is doing as much as possible so he feels seen and grab any small moments of joy and really embrace them and delight in him.

Health visitors IME know sweet FA about neurodiversity in toddlers. Mine flew through his two year check, and he is autistic and has a learning disability. Luckily I was on it, and managed to get him to a decent paediatrician just after he turned 3. She spotted the autistic traits straight away.

So if your gut is telling you there may be something there OP, there actually may be something there. I would double check.

I remember someone mentioning something about 'key moments' to me. Apparently, the trick is to be really engaged and switched on at certain times of the day, no matter how you're feeling inside, to give them an emotional boost. So really lovebomb them in those moments. That offsets you being a bit detached at other times. For me, it is when my DC wakes up in the morning (or used to wake up from a nap), when I pick them up from nursery and when they go to bed at night. I try to keep things positive and give lots of hugs and affection during those moments, no matter how stressed I'm feeling.

OP I have 3 boys.. Your DS1 sounds similar to my eldest. He was such hard work as a toddler and pre schooler. He did enjoy nursery but only for 3 hours twice a week.

He screamed a lot and hated change. Autism was also ruled out at 2 by the HV. He was later diagnosed at 5 with autism and 6 with ADHD. You need to meet him on his level.

Please don't take this wrong but first of all toddlers want stability so things like holidays abroad are just a scary experience for them in general not the big fun experience they are for us adults. Get him a sandpit, a trampoline and a slide as it will help his sensory input and go out in the garden and do things while he plays. Encourage him, play with him but get down to his level which means getting back to basics. Put DS2 in a sling if he is tiny but if he is toddling get him involved. Plant things, tidy up the garden, play with bubbles in the garden, give him a mid kitchen to make a mess in and let him use his energy.

I hope this doesn't sound condescending but my oldest is now 10. He does brilliantly generally but we adapted our lives to suit him a long time ago and it made a massive difference to all of us. We don't really go on holidays abroad as he can't cope with it, we don't go to hotels for more than one night as he can't cope but we do go to fancy caravans in great holiday parks, we do order pizza hut for delivery, we do play together and do things like sledging, paddleboarding and sandcastle building.