Help - how do I meet new people

[albosmum]

Help - I am a mum who has been desperately trying to meet other mums - but just don't seem to be getting anywhere. I do all the right things go to mother and baby groups, music clasess, exercise etc. (but frequently end up on my own as everyone else seems to know each other or they seem really cliquey). Am I doing something wrong. I have tried meetups twice on this (am posting under a pseudonym) but it appears no one lives near me.
What can I do to meet other mums?
Th loneliness is really beginning to get me down.

I know how you feel as I have the same problem, find it very difficult to meet other mums for playdates. Somehow i always get the timing wrong or misread the signals...

But then that is very like me in pre child mode, always been quite choosey about the people that I become friends with and I take my time in building friendships. So I have decided not to stress about it and maintain my friends who have no children.

So no advice really, but stick in there - I think that a lot of mums have the same problem. Good luck, you are not a social leper and there is nothing wrong with you - just some of us find it difficult.

Now if you are in SW london ??

i feel the same, look for another mum sitting by themself and try a hello. i think too many people forget how difficult it is to make friends when everybody has alreasy sorted themselves into groups. don't take it personally, they probably just didn't think to say hello.

What a poignant post!
I wish Icould come and have a cup of tea with you right now!
Have you thought that perhaps you look poised and confident on your own, and people don't want to bother you?
Or perhaps people are just so busy doing their thing that they just don't notice?
The most unlikely people are shy I find. Was amzed once to discover that a woman I know who is smart, attractive, intelligent,the works, didn't dare to turn up to ouraerobics class alone but lurked in the corridor until she found someone sheknew to go in with!

A lot depends on whether you like doing your own thing or not (obviously not it seems). My idea of heaven is an afternoon trip to the cinema alone, but when Itell people that they look at me pityingly, or say they wouldn't dare!

You don't have to do 'mumsy' stuff you know if you dont want to. My sister has 4 kids and has never had a mumsy conversation in her life!
I find that often women with small children talk at each other not with each other (rather like elderly people boasting about their marvellously successful offspring.......'our Philip has ever such a responsible job in computers!')

Just keep trying stuff out, you will find something fun eventually. Alternatively you might find that you are just happier doing your own thing and that is ok. I'm like that-actually take the newspaper to read when getting my ds from nursery. Sure the other mothers think I'm a snotty cow, but Ijust can't be arsed!

Good luck!

I felt the same way when I first started going to M&Ts. Then during the school holidays when all the groups were shut, I took DD1 to the park, and I recognised practically every mum around, and they all said hello - they all went to the various different M&Ts that I had gone to. After that, everyone started talking to me. Could you try chatting to one of the organisers and mention that you've been going a while, but don't seem to know anyone? Some groups are plain cliquey though, and I just shopped around until I found some I was happy with.

hello

i know how you feel, i found it hard at first and didnt really start trying until dd was 3 months. mums i met i just didnt feel a connection with and would feel "what the hell am i doing here!?!?"

but i was lucky enough to meet three lovely mums who when i first met would not of guessed how close we would become. we were totally different but im so glad i stuck in there and made the effort to get to know them. i consider them some of my best friends now.

when i meet a new mum i can sense they are a bit delicate and i always try a bit harder with them as i know what its like. it annoys me when other mums dont welcome new mums into circles.

i have been to play groups were no one made eye contact with me the whole time was there.

dont give up - keep trying, start a new thread up now to meet up in your area for people who gave been in your situation. at least you know who ever turns up will try talk to everyone.

to all of you:
where do you live, if you live near me, your very welcome to come to my mad house!

Moondog, have you been speaking to my nan by any chance?

Mummylove, I'm from Swanley in Kent. Where are you?

hello

im from surrey, my sil lives in cranbrook in kent and my mil who we visit often lives in hythe in kent anywhere near you?

I did the same things as you did. Have you tried showing up a little early to music and babygroup? When I was the first one there in music, then the next person who came would pretty much have to talk to me. Also showed up early at playgroup, too, but not too early as to be rude.
If I see a baby the same age as mine at the store, Dr. office, etc, I will go up to the mom and say how cute the baby is, and ask how old. This often starts a conversation. That is how I found my playgroup.
It was hard for me, because this is a small town, and pretty much everyone here has grown up together, but I kept going, and tried not to be pushy, but always made myself be involved in the conversation. I also picked who seemed the friendliest ones out of the different groups I was involved in and invited them to lunch, or asked them if they knew what to do with babies around here, as I was having a hard time finding things, and they were nice and we set up several playdates and lunches, which helped me get to know them better, and it is easier to get to know them on a one-on-one level.
Somehow out of that, DS and I have 2 playgroups and music to go to. It was hard, because I'm fairly shy, but it was worth it, and I am a lot happier and busier now. Wish I could come meet you, but I am thousands of miles away.

Mummylove, they are further into Kent than I am. Cranbrook is lovely. We were thinking about moving there, but I think we could probably only afford a garden shed there (and a small one at that!).

yes its lovely, renting there is reasonable though. they are renting a lovely property, it was originally a coach house so it has loads of character. their rent is exactly the same as our for a little flat in surrey!

my sil has twin boys under one. they're lovely.

Is there a branch of the NCT near you? Can you get involved with it in some way, perhaps the committee needs volunteers?

Other than that, the showing up early to baby groups idea is a very good one. Just be friendly, show interest in the others' babies and if they're still snooty cows, try another group.

If you live anywhere near me (west London), I'll meet you for lunch!

Thank you for all the advice will go out this week a new me and try arriving everywhere early.
and kaz33 is right I am very choosy re friends having had one very bad experience with some one I trusted.

Plus moondog - I do have a habit of taking a book to read no matter where I go, enjoy going to the cinema alone etc.

However I feel it is really important for me to set a good example to my children and create play date opportubnities the boys. As up till a few months ago I had 2 very close friends one childless on with a child but they have both moved away.

So I will try again and get back to you

Yes mummytummy, say your Nan the other week in Asda, so am up to date with your incredibly intelligent,succesful and popular family

Hope you are a bit cheered up by the suggestions.
Just do what makes YOU happy, not the things that you think you should be doing for your child.

Ultimately if you are there for them, then that's all that matters.

I spend loads of time alone with my ds and dd because after trying that sort of thing, I decided it just wasn't for me.

(I don't even go to birthday parties unless I know and like the mum/dad! I'm sure they don't miss me either!)

I felt similar to you when i moved into a new area and started going to m&b groups. I thought that everyone was v cliquey, but after a couple of weeks i decided to just force my way into their conversation, and now i meet up with a few during the week, and i feel like a real regular with everyone chatting to me. I always make a point of talking to new people now as i've been there. Whereas in the past, i think i would assume they didn't want to talk if they were sitting alone, and i guess many others think like that.

Since i have been there, i chat to one mum who has been going a lot longer than me, and she said it was nice to talk to me as everyone else was v cliquey there. But again i think it appears that way to her as she hasn't put the effort in.

Good luck, i'm afraid i live nowhere near you, otherwise i'd offer to meet up!

Oh yes- I also want to say - I have put some effort in I have really tried to chat. One group I tried for about 6 weeks continuously . One week I chatted to a group of mums, the following week I went back to thems and they moved to sit with some one else!!!. I was slightly offended I thought this was a bit rude and stopped going to that group - but maybe I should have perservered - what do you think?

Moondog - it would make me happy to have an adult conversation once a week not online, not with my husband.

I'm sorry that you still sound sad.
Maybe you need to consider doing something for YOU?!
I know it sounds naff but how about something like a night class or an exercise class?

Sometimes it is fun to decide to get into something pretty obscure then just to enjoy the company of all the wacky people there.

One of my best things like that was a quilting class. I was the youngest thereby about 40 years and they were all completely different to me but it was a real laugh (and I have made some great stuff as a result!)

One of my best (childless) friends feels like you although her major gripe is lack of nice blokes. I try telling her to go on a dry stone walling w/end or something instead of hanging around bars (the blokes would have great bodies for a start!)
but she just laughs in my face!

To moondog,

don;t get me wrong - I love my dh but no matter what meeting some one for coffe having a moan abiout work, dh, ds, a gossip, exchange of views, books etc is nice part of life and I am a bit sad but not depressed.

Might look into doing a course during the day have always fancied doing something a bit different

What area are you in?

I can send months on my own( have to as dh works in obscure parts of the world) but then go mad, and have loads of people over, do big dinner parties and so on when back in UK then I get sick of them all and want some peace.

However lovely your dh is, of course you need more!

How great to have some time off in the day. Go and do something wacky like Bookbinding or Mastering the Sitar!
(Wish I had a few hours off in the day to do my own thing!)

Glad you're not depressed.

BTW Wine Appreciation was a hoot!

Thank you again for advice

only have time of during day because am on maternity leave and then am returning part time plus local college has a creche - so will investigate.

I live in south london/surrey

Hi mummytummy, I live in orpington and was wondering which groups you went too as I find it really difficult to get past the friendliness of the groups that I attend to taking it further. I attend music classes and will be starting tumble tots in the new year. I work 3 days so am only free on thursday and friday. I feel that once upon a time I was a lively sociable person, since having my son I feel strangely shy at these groups....very strange!!

Don't take a book

Smile at people, keep a mental note of those that smile back

Start to say hello

Comment on children or ask advice about a particular problem (Potty training / weaning / behaviour)

Have a laugh, and be natural

Do it over a period of time (weeks ie first week smile and say HI, next week say Hi to same person, ask how they are / comment on their kids), not all at once or you'll look desperate

....

I am probably overly socially confident and make friends quite easily TBH but it comes from having no barriers (I'll talk about anything and everything to anyone .. but judge the kind of thing they'll talk about first).. its amazing how many people love the opportunity to talk about themselves

I wouldn't approach anyone obviously reading a book because I would think that they're taking a well-deserved moment to themselves

I will smile at anyone but after a few weeks of just smiling without having started a conversation I will probably just keep smiling but not consider that person a potential friend

Its being able to create openings for conversation

And some people do have too many people in their life and can't find time for new 'best friends'

sorry I rambled but I get really upset when I read posts like this and realise how many people feel uncomforatble at these M&T places which are supposed to be our lifeline .. I just want to take you under my wing

Oh forgot one of the key ones .. suggest a coffee after group (maybe for the following week) either at cafe or your house .. particularly to mums you like who have nice kids (DO NOT INVITE the group 'child of terror' round to your house .. there's always one )